For all you 'shy' guys out there......

[Purusha]

It's because there's a lot of generalising language being used.

You can't generalise without upsetting someone.

 

Just being a shy person is bad enough. We don't need people saying untrue things about us as well.

 

 

Of course it may not apply to you, we're talking about our individual experiences and our feelings/thoughts on it.

 

If you choose to take it as a personal sleight that's up to you.

[happy_snapper]

Of course it may not apply to you, we're talking about our individual experiences and our feelings/thoughts on it.

 

If you choose to take it as a personal sleight that's up to you.

 

I don't take it as a personal sleight. The thread title, OP and a number of the posts are generalising. I take them as a general sleight.

There's a difference.

 

You seemed surprised that the thread has stirred emotion, I was just telling you why that might be.

[Purusha]

No, I wasn't particularly surprised, just trying to lighten the atmos.

 

If you have different views or opinions you're very welcome to comment - we all may not agree, but that's life and it's good to hear alternate opinions to aid keeping an open mind and such.

 

It is pretty difficult not to generalise unless we start talking about one person that we all know intimately, which isn't going to happen on this forum - the caveat should always be added that everyone's different and has different issues/motivations or whatever. Although some of us have had similar experiences there's no way to know the person behind it and what they've been through or are going through, the only thing that we can deal with is what we know, which by not knowing someone will by nature be supposition.

[jonny15]

All the "shy guys" or just the ones unfortunate enough to come accross you?

 

Basically she is saying that shy men should just stop being shy. As if it's that easy, and not a part of their personality.

 

And that women should stay away from them.

 

It makes shy men feel really good that there are women that are basically encouraging other women to avoid us. Then claim we are players. LOL What is all that about?

[jonny15]

I don't take it as a personal sleight. The thread title, OP and a number of the posts are generalising. I take them as a general sleight.

There's a difference.

 

You seemed surprised that the thread has stirred emotion, I was just telling you why that might be.

 

She is making generalising statements because she has no clue what she is talking about when it comes to shy men.

[vacant]

I'm an occasional lurker on these forums, and a (recovering) shy guy myself. I think some good points have been made by both sides, and I’d like to add my two cents for whatever it’s worth.

 

Given everything I've read, I don't feel there's enough here to draw any kind of conclusion. Other posters have mentioned how shy guys don't intentionally give or get signals, and I'd agree for the most part. This is all textbook shy guy behavior. It's not some cruel game we play. It might seem dodgy, confusing and out of place, but at face value, his behavior doesn't mean much beyond that he’s shy and probably socially awkward. I’m not excusing it, but it is what it is. What you might perceive as a signal is most likely not registering in his brain as such.

 

Maybe he just wants to be friendly from time to time, but is awkward about it. Maybe he thinks you’re attractive, but has no intentions beyond that. Maybe he legitimately likes you. Who knows? The point is moot. He’s obviously not available to you in the way you’d like him to be. You’re going to drive yourself crazy, and end up resenting him over notions you conjured up in your own mind. For your own sake, I’d let this go.

 

And speaking of generalities… while shy men and shy women might be able to relate under the common experience of shyness, being shy / socially anxious has certain deeper implications for men than it does for women. In our society, men are expected to pursue and be forward about their desires. By its own nature, shyness directly contradicts this. Shy men are social deviants since we deviate from this social / cultural norm. This is not an easy stigma to live with, and especially so for men who have been shy their entire lives. Likewise, the difficulties we experience interacting with those we're attracted to directly contradict our own male biological programming. Again, this is not an easy thing to live with. All these things can have very pronounced and unfortunate effects on the psychology and behavior of shy men. I don’t want to stray off with this as there are enough publications out there on this subject to read on your own, but my point is you can’t assume or generalize anything about shy men especially if you aren't one yourself.

[unsureinlove]

'Vacant'

So based on your reply, we shouldn’t consider any move that a shy guy makes towards a woman as anything more than him just being himself. OK….fair enough! I will buy that, but if the shy guy IS truly interested in that woman HE should not expect her to understand his behavior or his intentions therefore he will end up NOT getting the girl! This is why shy guys spend most of their time alone pondering “does she like me”?

 

I’m not a shallow person and I don’t go for ‘hot’ guys that can talk your pants right off. I’m a kind person who just wanted to understand and get to know a guy I found cute and perhaps interesting.

 

But….I’m over it!

[notafraid]

'Vacant'

So based on your reply, we shouldn’t consider any move that a shy guy makes towards a woman as anything more than him just being himself. OK….fair enough! I will buy that, but if the shy guy IS truly interested in that woman HE should not expect her to understand his behavior or his intentions therefore he will end up NOT getting the girl! This is why shy guys spend most of their time alone pondering “does she like me”?

 

I’m not a shallow person and I don’t go for ‘hot’ guys that can talk your pants right off. I’m a kind person who just wanted to understand and get to know a guy I found cute and perhaps interesting.

 

But….I’m over it!

 

oh, how I love this response!

[Purusha]

Hey vacant,

 

Thanks for chipping in! It's good to get alternative vantage points, but unfortunately because it's mostly the ladies that have commented and very little from the chaps apart from displeased comments, it's turned into a rather one sided debate.

 

I agree that it's impossible to draw conclusions, you will never get inside someone else's head and can only bear any judgement on their behaviour from your own experiences.

 

I have to disagree to a point about the signals part, as a lot of the stuff the ladies are talking about are overt signals and are not in any way subtle, very difficult to be misconstrued. The lack of response is what is confusing, however, it does make them emotionally unavailable and therefore not available to you.

 

It's one of those things that you recognise once you've experienced it, and can therefore move on from more easily in future, if you're (for want of a better word) virginal to these situations it can really mess with your mind and affect your self esteem if you let it.

 

If someone essentially cannot respond to your overtures, it is best to let it go, and try to accept that this may be for reasons that you are unable to understand.

 

I get what you're saying about social stigmas and do totally accept this to be a factor, and I think on top of shyness it can make things ten times worse in your head than it actually is, but again I would say that these are insecurities that need to be dealt with by the person in question and are a contributor rather than a root cause.

 

A lot of these stigmas are abounded by the media, and your perceptions of what is expected of you and how much you buy in to that, but I can guarantee are not reflected by actual reality, as witnessed by the ladies here saying that initiating getting to know someone isn't a problem, the lack of response to the invitation is a problem.

 

The concept of the alpha male has a lot to answer for.

[vacant]

'Vacant'

So based on your reply, we shouldn’t consider any move that a shy guy makes towards a woman as anything more than him just being himself. OK….fair enough! I will buy that, but if the shy guy IS truly interested in that woman HE should not expect her to understand his behavior or his intentions therefore he will end up NOT getting the girl! This is why shy guys spend most of their time alone pondering “does she like me”?

 

Agreed. Just as I talked about not reading too much into questionable shy guy behavior, I’d also tell shy guys (and remind myself) not to expect women to magically understand our thoughts. Obviously, the ideal scenario is one in which both parties meet each other in the middle. For many of us shy guys, the biggest roadblock is breaking the ice. Not knowing how to approach or what to say keeps us in our own heads instead of taking action. There are plenty of shy guys who’d gladly reciprocate if given the opportunity from an interested woman. Likewise, shy guys (myself included) could stand to benefit from creating our own opportunities.

 

However, in your situation, you've been outwardly friendly and welcoming to this guy, and for whatever reason he isn't reciprocating how you’d like to him to. Other posters have mentioned that the only way you’d get an answer is to be direct and upfront with him, and while I agree with this in a general sense, I don’t think you’d get the answer you’d like in this particular case. That’s not to say he dislikes you (he may like you in fact), but from what I've read I just don’t get the feeling he’s on the same level as you.

 

 

I’m not a shallow person and I don’t go for ‘hot’ guys that can talk your pants right off. I’m a kind person who just wanted to understand and get to know a guy I found cute and perhaps interesting.

 

But….I’m over it!

 

You seem like a genuine person, and I’m glad to know there are women out there like you. I hope my previous post wasn't too blunt or discouraging to you or others reading this. I’m just trying to be realistic. Reading your posts about this guy reminded me of myself, and I completely empathize with the difficulties shy guys face. I’m naturally introverted, and I've also been dealing with social anxiety for most of my life. It can be very frustrating to say the least. It hasn't been until the past few years that I've made big strides by forcing myself out of my comfort zone. I still have more work ahead of me, but I've learned a lot about myself and others in the process. I guess my views on these kinds of situations have become more balanced as a result. Again, this is only my opinion so take it for whatever it's worth.

 

Anyways, I hope things work out for you.