For all you 'shy' guys out there......

[happpybear]

I totally get what you mean by the "he likes/hates me" thing. The guy i dealt with would shyly try to talk to me sometimes, and then ignore me and run away other times, a few times he would say something mildly flirty or noticeably check me out, and then he would be a ghost for 2 weeks. He would do sweet things like offer me medicine when was sick but then totally ignore me at office functions/parties...And the kicker was that he knew that I liked him, and he still did nothing. This went on for a good six months. It was totally exhausting and quite honestly messed me up a bit emotionally, I still do not know if I trust my instincts anymore, and i'm not naive either, i'm well into my thirties. On his last day I had to say goodbye to him (to be polite) and he said "oh well we will still see each other all the time" While he was eye flirting and looking me up-and-down...Surprise, I never saw him again....talk about mindf*ck

[SA_Guy99]

I see I have some great responses from the female perspective…..how about the ‘shy’ guys? Where are you?

 

In trying to explain why I feel the shy guy is more of a game player vs. a guy who is comfortable with letting a woman/girl know he is interested in getting to know her and maybe asking her out is that the shy guy goes back and forth.

 

 

Us shy guys wouldn't know how to play games if we tried. We hate games. Part of the reason some of us have grown to be quite bitter at dating/relationships is because it seems like we need to play games to be successful with women. We don't recognize any "hints" that women send our way and we don't have the fortitude to be straightforward to tell a woman what we want.... if we're lucky enough to even talk to them.

[happy_snapper]

I'd personally say that unless you are a shy guy, don't try to decide for yourself what's going on in our heads.

You have no idea.

[Purusha]

I know that none of us know what goes on inside a shy guys head, but we can certainly empathise being shy girls.

 

However, at the same time I do think it is important to realise the impact of shy behaviour and the mixed messages and screwy situations that it can create, and the results upon the person you're being shy with.

 

Being shy does necessarily entail another person putting themselves out there and making themselves vulnerable before you, and if people choose to do this and get no response, or are ignored then it often leads to the other person feeling belittled and can affect their self esteem. It can also wrap them into a game of trying to divine what your intent is, to try and draw you out and this can all get very complicated and unnecessary the longer it goes on and can then be seen as a 'game'. We all understand that this is not the intent, but it nevertheless doesn't change the result, because as you said, we can't read minds.

 

Nobody's behaviour affects just that one person, so although it's not 'game playing' per se in that you're not planning it and designing it's execution for a particular result, it has this effect regardless.

[sidehop]

You have to understand the typical 'shy guy' syndrome and its roots which is very much similar that makes them look like they are playing games but in reality they are not. If anything they are frightened but deeply caring and sometimes in love (or obsessed) with the woman of their attraction but there's a huge wall in front of them that keep them from taking that one extra step to actually have a conversation.

 

It's similar to a person who doesn't know how to show physical affection because they were never shown by their parents growing up and to them it's a completely different language.

 

In shy guy's case, their mother was the protector and only learned to treat her in a way to make her happy out of fear; fear of losing their one and only woman in life growing up and never had the chance to create a healthy boundary. This generally happens within first five years of life. Most shy guys will either have a father that's not in the picture or wasn't in their life as much sadly. Of course as an adult this pattern continues and they have the tendency to put women on a pedestal to keep them happy and don't take the chance of embarrassing themselves or do anything to possibly upset their potential partner. It ends up affecting further into other aspects of life including work, circle of friends and prefer to be alone in order to feel safe. Shy guys do great when they are approached with shown interest whether they are a girl or a guy just being friendly. When they have that secure and lack of hostility they respond well.

 

Now this is all an assumption as I'm sure there are shy guys out there that had healthy relationship with both parents and simply come their natural trait or perhaps life experience that made them shy. But from what I read for many years and case studies a lot of shy men who consider themselves too shy to talk to women often times have very similar childhood.

 

With that said they aren't playing games. They are VERY careful on how they approach to not embarrass themselves and may seem a bit creepy at times because they have every intention of wanting to show affection or tell you how much they like/love you but they just stop short at looking all the time and act as if they aren't interested once you give them even an ounce of attention. Again it frightens them. They automatically deny that they cannot be loved or failure is inevitable. They don't take that big next step even if the whole Universe is screaming "THIS GIRL LIKES YOU". Often times they rather hide in the shadow to be in a safe zone rather than stepping out which to them is not their territory.

 

But having said that I still consider myself shy. It took me years to get out there and sort of break the shells open through co-workers and friends. While I have no problem making small talks with random strangers these days large venues, small parties with unknown people and still find myself feeling awkward at times in social situations. So I do sympathize a lot with many shy guys and girls alike that are having trouble getting out there.

 

In a sense I always tell people here if you find shy guy/girl attractive, either you can show a lot of interest but you're going to have to be pushy at times to get an answer. If not ask them out bluntly. And if you're that shy guy/girl, you're not alone and there are just so many ways to find new friends even if they are only few. I feel over the years getting married and having children I agree with many people that your circle becomes very selective. And that's perfectly okay. If you're still in your 20's, single and by all means enjoy life. Experience and enjoy the moment. Unless you set yourself to be single for rest of your life I'm sorry but you're not going to die alone. Someone will just naturally come along.

 

Okay that was long lol...had too much caffeine apparently.

[Purusha]

Totally agree with your reasoning sidehop, and I can totally empathise with shy guys too as I was chronically shy for years, but it's important to recognise what this behaviour puts other people through also - it's an often neglected subject of shyness as the focus is on the shy person and the possible reasons for that, and ways around it.

 

It's really important to recognise the poor b*gger on the other side of the coin who is the subject of the shy person's behaviour and how it makes them feel - there are consequences to everything and just because you are shy doesn't negate the importance of the feelings of others, shy people need to remember this too.

 

I actually found this really quite helpful to deal with my shyness, as it helped to change the emphasis towards making other people comfortable around me, rather than myself comfortable around other people - it doesn't solve it but it does help to recognise it and take the focus away from yourself. Shyness is a kind of self-absorption (for whatever insecurity or feeling of lack), and if something helps you to break out of that mind-set to give a little more concern to those around you it can help to distance yourself from feelings of inadequacy and such.

 

You can practice this with new friends even, and as you get more positive feedback it will hopefully increase your confidence level and sense of self esteem, then, you never know, you might get the courage to smile at the person who takes your fancy. Before then though, if you're not able to connect, please try not to mess with his/her head - intentionally or not, it's pretty hard to take.

[notafraid]

OMG :sorrow: Thanks sidehop for posting this!

[unsureinlove]

Thank you sidehop for that insightful view on the ‘shy guy’.

 

But here’s the issue I have and as I’m reading all the different threads here with the same topic. Women are frustrated with trying to figure out the shy guy’s ‘signs’. Does he like me….does he NOT like me always seems to be the question for us women.

 

Take today for instance, my shy guy sat with his back to me in the cafeteria, which he has never done before, most of the time he faces me no matter where he sits. What does this mean was the question I was asking myself. Was he interested in me at one time….is he not interested in anymore….what did I do or say wrong to turn him off when we’ve hardly spoken…..these are all questions that run through OUR minds when we feel we been rejected by someone who we THOUGHT was interested. I don’t know about other women, but this leaves me feeling like crap and I have always been a pretty confident person in who I am. Unfortunately, this ONE person has turned my life upside down. The funny thing is, he is not all that attractive….he’s (and I hate to use the word) geeky looking and not even my type. But I found him to be attractive without even knowing anything about him.

 

Question…..how long does the ‘shy guy’ hold on to their crush/attraction? Are they like other guys who go from one girl to another?

[unsureinlove]

happybear, I think your guy and my guy were cut from the same cloth….LOL.

 

It seems as though you got more personal attention from your guy than I have from mine. I remember we did had a card for one of the ladies at work who just had surgery and it was being passed around, I didn’t get it so I asked my guy if he’d seen it. Most people would have just said “it’s in so-in-so office” my guy got up and walked me into the office and picked it up and handed it to me. Very nice gesture, but not necessary.

 

And like you, when we would pass each other in the hall or whatever, he would look me up and down.

[happpybear]

I totally agree with what Purusha wrote about how shy guy behaviour makes the recipient of that behaviour feel. In my case, I hope I never cross paths with that shy guy ever again. I'm not even kidding. I don't hate him or anything, but the whole situation left me feeling so uncomfortable and unattractive and left such a bad taste in my mouth.

[unsureinlove]

I totally agree with what Purusha wrote about how shy guy behaviour makes the recipient of that behaviour feel. In my case, I hope I never cross paths with that shy guy ever again. I'm not even kidding. I don't hate him or anything, but the whole situation left me feeling so uncomfortable and unattractive and left such a bad taste in my mouth.

 

I agree as well, but unfortunately as I've said before, I have to SIT near mine EVERY DAY! I try not not to look at him but kind of hard..... as I leave my workspace....THERE HE IS.

 

I found myself 'looking' at HIM today (which I swore I wasn't going to do) and found he was not looking back. So now I'm back to second guessing myself and my gut instinct. This is worse than being a teenager with a crush at least then usually you had a new crush in about 3 weeks.

[happpybear]

ya, you might find it helpfull to date other men. Join a dating site or something and force yourself to meet other men. How about changing your desk? Have you asked if you can do that?

[unsureinlove]

ya, you might find it helpfull to date other men. Join a dating site or something and force yourself to meet other men. How about changing your desk? Have you asked if you can do that?

 

I would welcome the idea of dating other men, but they seem to be scarce these days. Most of the men I work with are married. I’ve never tried a dating site before, thought about it but I’m a little apprehensive going that route.

 

I haven’t brought up the desk move to my boss yet. I’m thinking of a creative way to approach the subject without sending up a red flag in my department. I know it would make day to day life a lot easier if I didn’t have to look at my crush day-in-and-day-out.

 

The sad thing is, I was HAPPY with my life before all of this and now I feel tied up in knots over some guy….a guy I hardly know…..how pathetic is that!

[happpybear]

I would welcome the idea of dating other men, but they seem to be scarce these days. Most of the men I work with are married. I’ve never tried a dating site before, thought about it but I’m a little apprehensive going that route.

 

I haven’t brought up the desk move to my boss yet. I’m thinking of a creative way to approach the subject without sending up a red flag in my department. I know it would make day to day life a lot easier if I didn’t have to look at my crush day-in-and-day-out.

 

The sad thing is, I was HAPPY with my life before all of this and now I feel tied up in knots over some guy….a guy I hardly know…..how pathetic is that!

 

Don't feel bad, it's all chemical, the body wants what it wants...

 

Try online dating, just to go on casual dates, I wish I had of done this to be honest, just to get myself around other men.

 

I moved my desk at work (not to avoid a guy, but because my cubicle mate was annoying) and I told my boss that I felt like I needed a to move because I felt distracted where i was sitting and it was affecting my performance. It wasn't a lie, my coworker distracted me constantly, but I didn't want to say that my coworker was the reason behind it because I felt like that would be drama-ish.

[SA_Guy99]

Totally agree with your reasoning sidehop, and I can totally empathise with shy guys too as I was chronically shy for years, but it's important to recognise what this behaviour puts other people through also - it's an often neglected subject of shyness as the focus is on the shy person and the possible reasons for that, and ways around it.

 

It's really important to recognise the poor b*gger on the other side of the coin who is the subject of the shy person's behaviour and how it makes them feel - there are consequences to everything and just because you are shy doesn't negate the importance of the feelings of others, shy people need to remember this too.

 

So why is the onus all on the shy person to make something happen? If you're wondering what a shy guy is thinking, take some initiative yourself and make the approach. Take the risk you are demanding of the shy person.

 

It's disheartening to see that even with some insight as to how horrified some of us can be of social situations and asking a girl out, it's still our fault for making you feel uncomfortable? I'm sorry, but that's just garbage. If you allow a shy guy's lack of approach to make you feel uncomfortable, unattractive and unhappy, that's your problem, not his.

[Purusha]

So why is the onus all on the shy person to make something happen? If you're wondering what a shy guy is thinking, take some initiative yourself and make the approach. Take the risk you are demanding of the shy person.

 

It's disheartening to see that even with some insight as to how horrified some of us can be of social situations and asking a girl out, it's still our fault for making you feel uncomfortable? I'm sorry, but that's just garbage. If you allow a shy guy's lack of approach to make you feel uncomfortable, unattractive and unhappy, that's your problem, not his.

 

I understand that it's disheartening and frustrating, but we're not talking here about people who have not approached, we're talking about ladies who have approached and made an effort over an extended period of time in order to help the shy guy get more comfortable, and the shy guys who cannot meet us half way to build a rapport or some kind of friendship.

 

The only risk that I have ever seen asked of a shy person on this board is to have general conversation, to get to know them, and people are generally willing to put themselves out there for that often with no response or rejection from the shy person, you cannot expect people to make themselves continually vulnerable for you when you are responding like that. And it's certainly too much of a jump to then tell people to ask them out when as a shy person, you run away at 'hello'.

 

It's behaviour that we all understand, and I'm not blaming shy guys for their behaviour, I'm just pointing out the little talked about other person's perspective and the impact it has on them. Just as it's important for people to have insight and understand why shy people react and behave the way that they do it's important for the shy people to understand the repercussions that it can have on someone else. Understanding and empathy should be a two way thing, what one person does affects other people, we don't exist in a vacuum.

[unsureinlove]

So why is the onus all on the shy person to make something happen? If you're wondering what a shy guy is thinking, take some initiative yourself and make the approach. Take the risk you are demanding of the shy person.

 

It's disheartening to see that even with some insight as to how horrified some of us can be of social situations and asking a girl out, it's still our fault for making you feel uncomfortable? I'm sorry, but that's just garbage. If you allow a shy guy's lack of approach to make you feel uncomfortable, unattractive and unhappy, that's your problem, not his.

 

The whole point of this post(s) is the fact that I (and a few others) have done just that! We have made it known to our shy guy that YES we ARE interested in you as well BUT.....we get NOTHING in return but ignored. This is what I am having an issue with. I very much like my guy and have (or at least I thought I had) made it clear to him and I feel I've been given the brush off. NOW how would it feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I gave my shy guy the brush off.....how do you think he would feel? My guess is just like me and all the other ladies out there that this has happened to.

 

The bottom line is we ladies are not mind readers and it's a fine line between the shy guys signs of interest vs. disinterest because they're never consistent with their behavior. So the question becomes 'why should the woman try to figure out the shy guy's motive(s)" and be the one to do all the pursuing only to find out "he's just not that into me".

[unsureinlove]

Don't feel bad, it's all chemical, the body wants what it wants...

 

Try online dating, just to go on casual dates, I wish I had of done this to be honest, just to get myself around other men.

 

I moved my desk at work (not to avoid a guy, but because my cubicle mate was annoying) and I told my boss that I felt like I needed a to move because I felt distracted where i was sitting and it was affecting my performance. It wasn't a lie, my coworker distracted me constantly, but I didn't want to say that my coworker was the reason behind it because I felt like that would be drama-ish.

 

Well, I approached by boss about moving and unfortunately I cannot at this time. The few empty cubicles we have are being used for the next year or so for a study group…..UGH.

 

Any suggestions on how to deal with having to sit near the “object of my affection”? I’m really trying hard not to look or pay attention to what’s going on behind me, but it is a little difficult knowing he's sitting right there.

[nfperception]

Well, I approached by boss about moving and unfortunately I cannot at this time. The few empty cubicles we have are being used for the next year or so for a study group…..UGH.

 

Any suggestions on how to deal with having to sit near the “object of my affection”? I’m really trying hard not to look or pay attention to what’s going on behind me, but it is a little difficult knowing he's sitting right there.

 

You can (if you want) treat him like someone you haven't seen in years.

[Purusha]

It's a difficult one alright, I would go with Happy's suggestion of trying to meet and get chatting to other men so your focus isn't entirely on that ONE person that you're interested in. It's difficult when you're around them every day, most of us have been there!!

[nfperception]

Well, I approached by boss about moving and unfortunately I cannot at this time. The few empty cubicles we have are being used for the next year or so for a study group…..UGH.

 

Any suggestions on how to deal with having to sit near the “object of my affection”? I’m really trying hard not to look or pay attention to what’s going on behind me, but it is a little difficult knowing he's sitting right there.

 

[video=youtube;PU5CfdEirVE] ]

[happy_snapper]

Ok, from now on I'll just stay at home where I won't upset anyone.

[Purusha]

Peter, I'm not trying to upset you or anyone else and I am sorry if I have, I was only trying to make the point of other people's reactions to shy behaviour.

 

Many people come on to these boards and can spend months, hell, years, hung up on something that's just never going to happen because the other person can't connect. As much as I understand shy people being a shy person myself, I also understand what it's like being on the other side of the coin as being on the receiving end of an even shier persons behaviour (and this is with me trying to connect, approach, talk, etc).

 

It's a romantic ideal that someone is patient for that long and then something magical happens to make it all seem worthwhile, but oftentimes that just doesn't happen and all you end up doing is feeling bad about yourself and with however much wasted time in your back pocket.

 

This isn't a way to blame either party, but just to make clear that there are two sides to the story and if your approaches are proving futile, that maybe your walking down the wrong path.

 

In not playing the blame game this perspective (it is a perspective, and not a way to blame anyone) is useful for the shy person to understand to take emphasis off the self, which is what the shy game is all about. I feel inadequate, I'm not attractive, I'm not good enough, I'm not I'm not I'm not - I.

 

One of the hardest aspects of being shy, I find, is getting wrapped up in your own insecurities and problems and sometimes it helps to gain a wider perspective, which is all I was trying to do here as empathy works both ways.

[notafraid]

Beautifully said. I have had my share of experiences with shy men. And I am a shy woman but when given the opportunity I will let the shy man know that I'm interested in my own way, just like you said Purusha. Most of the shy men I have encountered are through work and I know it is difficult when you are in a working environment to break down the walls of shyness so-to-speak.

Because of the experiences I have had up until now, everytime I meet a shy guy, I almost want to run in the other direction because I have no problem meeting the shy guy half way (if in fact he is interested), it's just that usually they are so shy that they are not willing to take that next step. For crying out loud, I have had shy guys just look at me like I fell from outerspace at the words "Good Morning, how are you?".

FYI shy boys: it takes two to create a friendship/relationship, so get over yourselves!

[unsureinlove]

It’s interesting to me that so many women have encountered the same issues that I have with a shy guy. If we pursue…..we scare them off…..if we hang back and do nothing they think we’re not interested and give up.

 

What’s a girl to do……