Silent Treatment

[shortchica]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and have been living together for about three months. He is about 10 years older than me. We have a very happy relationship and enjoy each other immensely. I could go on about how perfect we are for each other, but I'll spare everyone.

 

My problem is his use of the silent treatment. After an argument, if I don't apologize (even if it's not my fault) he'll ignore me until I do. If I say something wrong, he'll ignore me. For example, we had gone to the store to grab a few things and he expressed interest in some ice cream. I enjoy dessert, but not nearly as much as he does. If it's in the house, I'll take my time in eating it over several days to enjoy it to it's fullest, while he consumes it all in one sitting. He asked me what flavor I wanted, and I said simply, "I'd prefer the chocolate, but I probably won't get a chance to eat it, so get whatever flavor you'd like." That invoked him storming out of the store and not talking to me for the rest of the night. I never know what will cause him to get angry and ignore me. I receive the silent treatment randomly, and he won't express to me what I apparently did to make it happen.

 

I am currently undergoing the treatment for what is a mystery to me. The only thing I can think of is that, while shopping for a few items to make tacos for lunch, I hurried up to grab the items we needed and while he browsed through random things and met back with him when I had everything.

 

When he gives me the silent treatment, it's never 100% silent. He usually won't approach me, but if I ask him something, I will get a rather rude, short brief answer. If I ask him what I did, he says nothing. If I ask why he's angry, he says he's not. He just shuts down on me for no apparent reason, usually shutting himself in another room to pout.

 

If I say the wrong word, the wrong sentence, rather than say something about it, he ignores me, leaving me to criticize myself and wonder what I did wrong. It drives me crazy when he does it.

 

I've tried different courses of action when he does it - I'll ask him to talk to me about what's bothering him; I'll try to be nice to him and do things for him; I'll leave him to his pouting and do something else. To me, a man in his 30's shouldn't be acting this way, but I don't know if I'm doing something to provoke it. What should I do to deal with this?

[annie24]

I'd prefer the chocolate, but I probably won't get a chance to eat it, so get whatever flavor you'd like.

 

Well, that's a pretty passive-aggressive statement on your part. Maybe you guys should talk about how to communicate more constructively?

[sara-pezzini]

i agree with Annie, that statement would totaly piss me off too....

some people are just not good in expressing themselves....maybe you come accross too intimidating to him?

[savignon]

I've read some about the silent treatment b/c a guy was dating used it a few times on me. I found it to be arrogant, controlling and manipulative as well as a power play. It's a form of emotional abuse when used regularly and/or for long periods of time.

I would suggest an alternative behavior and ask that he respect you enough to use it (ie say out loud "I'm going to take a bit of a time out. We can talk later" or something). If he's unwilling to be more communicative and/or talk about what you did/didn't do for the sake of nurturing your relationship, I'd urge you to consider if your overall needs are being met. If in the grand scheme of things it's something tolerable and ok with you- you feel safe, loved, secure and trusting- then I'd still try to work on it but wouldn't end the relationship over it.

Me personally -I'd be crying and a mess and it wouldn't work for me - I'm too sensitive. My sister, if it were her hubby would say "don't e an a-hole" and it would roll right off her.

Examine your own feelings about it and see if together you can make some improvements.

[savignon]

Well, that's a pretty passive-aggressive statement on your part. Maybe you guys should talk about how to communicate more constructively?

 

Totally agree. That was my first reaction when reading your post...that's a pretty strong reaction when he was being considerate of your taste.

[Moontiger]

Well, that's a pretty passive-aggressive statement on your part. Maybe you guys should talk about how to communicate more constructively?

 

I agree. I do think he over reacted. Sit down with him when the two of you are both calm and express your concerns in a respectful way. The two of you need to work on communicating with each other.

[oitnb]

These type of posts always upset me because they start off saying how amazing there relationship is and then describe the issue and well... Doesn't sound so amazing after that.

 

Anyways, he sounds a bit childish. Shutting you out for hours over a little comment? That's no way to solve an issue. I'd rather have it out for an hour and then figure out what's wrong than deal with a man pouting like a child. I don't think much could solve this issue, besides counseling maybe?

[Kendahke]

I have news for you: you two are not perfect for each other and this is not a happy relationship. Yes, all relationships have their moments of tension and friction, but as two adults and him being in his freakin' 30's, you both should be able to address grievances with one another without being snarky or employing childish silent treatments. Nothing either of you do should elicit such an extreme response as to shut one's self off from the other for hours upon days.

 

Here's the thing, and it pains me to put it to you like this, but I suspect that right now, moving out is not in your realm of consideration--it should be. So "since you're the one who wants to continue living with a man who will punish you for ANY little slight at ANY time which suits his fancy, you need to change how you approach him. I'm sure it's not the only thing you're going to have to eventually change about yourself, but if you insist upon living with him, then change you must. He doesn't have to--what he's doing is working for him--it's you who is having the problem. "

 

You're not doing anything to provoke him--he's provoking himself and blaming it on you. I'm quite sure his reasoning for how he treats you is that "you made me do it". It's stupid beyond belief for any adult to behave like a 3 yr old, but if you won't move out and leave him, then understand that he has absolutely no reason to change and he's not going to. You're going to have to figure out a way around this.

 

Quite frankly, you need to start nipping that mess in the bud. It's a control tactic and unless you enjoy never knowing when he's going to decide to launch into control freak mode, the next time he does that, you need to tell him "you know what? This living together thing isn't working for me. I'm used to resolving issues with my partner by talking them out, not having the silent treatment administered. I would rather you own your voice and speak up so the issue gets resolved, but I'm not going to walk around on eggshells until you decide to grow up and act like an adult if there is something I've done that bothers you. I'll be out by the end of next month". And then do it.

 

Really. Because this is how emotional mistreatment gains a foot hold in relationships. You needed to know him a lot longer than 9 months before you moved in with him. Did he do this mess while you were living in your own place?

 

Also, I get why you would say what you said about the chocolate ice cream and in a perfect world he wouldn't inhale the ice cream in a day and you wouldn't have to watch what you say about it, but perfect worlds don't exist. In that case, you did provoke him because that was snarky and demeaning--and I do get your frustration about it, but that wasn't the thing to say. You could have just answered the question and then bought your own ice cream.

[Longview01]

I'm gonna play Devils Advocate here and say that statement wouldn't of bothered me at all, me and my wife would often take the mick out of each with statements like that have a laugh with it.

 

He needs to chill out tbh

[metrogirl]

It doesn't appear that you are perfect for each other like you say. Someone that is perfect for you, doesn't make you beg for forgiveness when you have done nothing wrong.

[happpybear]

This^^ is perfect