How does someone who can't even get a date go about becoming a "sexual deviant"?

[MattW]

I'm not sure what this community thinks of "casual sex", but let me start by clarifying about myself. I'm a 24 year old guy, never had sex, never been on a date, never gotten anywhere with a girl. What I always REALLY want(ed) was to find a "proper" relationship, but I no longer believe that's a possibility for me. I'm just never going to have that, plain and simple. Having said that, I'd very much like to explore my sexuality. I'm not "desperate", I'm not obsessing over losing my virginity due to peer pressure, or anything silly like that. I just simply have a lot of curiosities that can only really be solved by firsthand experience. Since I can't find a "proper" relationship, why not try to have a little fun with the physical aspect of things? If I'm going to die alone, I might as well make it one hell of a ride, right?

 

Anyway, I find myself wondering how someone who can't even get a date can possibly get someone to "hook up" with me, though. Especially as someone who lacks good looks and a silver tongue. I don't want to have to lie, be dishonest and manipulative, and/ or lead people on, either. Is there a "polite" way to find and pursue casual sex? For what it's worth, I'd be more interested in more "friends with benefits" type scenarios than simply "one night stands". And no, I wouldn't want to pay for a prostitute.

 

Just something I've been becoming increasingly curious about.

[SpottiOtti]

Do you live in a metropolitan area?

[MattW]

More of a suburb, really.

[The_Seeker]

Just make sure it's protected. STDS.

 

Go ahead and explore your sexuality HOWEVER make sure to let the girl know before hand that you are not looking for a relationship or that you are.

 

TWO. Don't use the girl if you are not EVEN attracted to her. That screams out your character.

[SpottiOtti]

Well, you've got to start exploring different areas of sexuality in general, to feel more comfortable about sex and to find out what turns you on. So, you could accomplish this and meet people who are up for sexual exploration as well if you can find a swingers club, a bondage club, something like that. Lots of open-minded people exploring their sexuality there. Is there a city close to you?

[Blue Spiral]

The mainstream "dating sites" (outside of eHarmony) are basically meat markets. You should be able to find willing women there. They won't outright say what they're after, but they may have euphemisms in their profile: "casual dating" or "just having fun" or something similar. I didn't have much luck with women in conventional scenarios, but FWBs has worked well for me. If a woman takes a lot of risque pictures of herself, or always has a drink in her hand, well...there's no way to know who someone is on the inside, but they may be sending signals. Come to the dark side, we have cookies.

[SpottiOtti]

If a woman takes a lot of risque pictures of herself, or always has a drink in her hand, well...there's no way to know who someone is on the inside, but they may be sending signals. Come to the dark side, we have cookies.

 

Hahahaha! Well said, Bluespiral!!

[MattW]

Just make sure it's protected. STDS.

 

Go ahead and explore your sexuality HOWEVER make sure to let the girl know before hand that you are not looking for a relationship or that you are.

 

TWO. Don't use the girl if you are not EVEN attracted to her. That screams out your character.

 

Absolutely, hence why I'm talking about how to "politely" go about finding and pursuing this kind of thing. Like I said, I don't want to mistreat anyone, and I'd like to find ladies that are interested in the same thing (something "casual"), so as to lessen that risk.

 

Well, you've got to start exploring different areas of sexuality in general, to feel more comfortable about sex and to find out what turns you on. So, you could accomplish this and meet people who are up for sexual exploration as well if you can find a swingers club, a bondage club, something like that. Lots of open-minded people exploring their sexuality there. Is there a city close to you?

 

I'm near Cleveland, but not really sure what kind of "naughty" stuff is going on there. I don't really want to get into fetishy stuff (bondage and BDSM stuff are HUGE turnoffs to me), I'd just like to be able to find some ladies here and there that would want to have a little fun with me. Honestly, I'd kinda prefer to find some older and more mature ladies for this type of thing.

 

The mainstream "dating sites" (outside of eHarmony) are basically meat markets. You should be able to find willing women there. They won't outright say what they're after, but they may have euphemisms in their profile: "casual dating" or "just having fun" or something similar. I didn't have much luck with women in conventional scenarios, but FWBs has worked well for me. If a woman takes a lot of risque pictures of herself, or always has a drink in her hand, well...there's no way to know who someone is on the inside, but they may be sending signals. Come to the dark side, we have cookies.

 

Yeah, I have a hard time interpreting that kind of thing on a dating site. Women MAY intentionally use those euphemisms in their profile, but you can never really be sure, and I don't want to assume that they are, only to find out there was a misunderstanding, and end up hurting someone, yanno? Not to mention, I couldn't even seem to get girls to respond to my messages on dating sites even when I wasn't looking for something more "casual", so not sure how this could be any different.

 

I actually wanted to give Adult Friend Finder a try, because I found over 40 local women on there that I would've been interested in contacting. But you have to be a paid member to contact anyone, and I'm too paranoid to give my credit card information to a site like this. So I went out and bought one of those prepaid Visa gift cards to use instead, but it looks like AFF doesn't accept prepaid cards. v_v

[The_Seeker]

Absolutely, hence why I'm talking about how to "politely" go about finding and pursuing this kind of thing. Like I said, I don't want to mistreat anyone, and I'd like to find ladies that are interested in the same thing (something "casual"), so as to lessen that risk.

 

 

There's no politely saying. Be direct. Say what you mean. That's it. Don't sugar coat it.

[shellyf62]

There are a few online dating sites in Australia that actually cater to casual sex & FWBs. One is called "Adultmatchmaker". I am sure there must be something similar in the States.

A friend & I looked it up once for a giggle. It actually has photos of peoples "appendages" and what they are looking for in a potential partner. It is very specific, so you don't need to worry about offending anyone.

Good luck

[Roxie84]

It saddens me that you have come to a firm belief that you will never find love. Wouldn't you rather take this time to focus on the positive changes you can make within yourself so that you can find a healthy relationship?

 

I can imagine at 24 you probably feel that your virginity is a burden, so I am not going to be hard on you about wanting a sexual fling here and there.

 

My only wish for you is that you pick yourself up and take the time to learn how to talk to women and be a desirable boyfriend. If you know in your heart that you want love, then it is never impossible.

[Jennifer89]

Plenty of Fish has plenty of guys and girls looking for a quick hookup, but you can't be too shy to ask, you need to message girls that are looking for "friends" for "hangout" type of thing. Your first message could be real simple, like "Hi, I'm Matt, I think your really pretty and would like to talk" most women looking for an FWB type of thing will look at your pic and profile and respond if interested, if not, at least you didn't waist time typing up a long letter.

 

Just get out there and try it, but you should know that a lot of people fall for the first person they are with and want to date them... hard.

[jonny15]

First off. OP.....Just wanting sex does not make someone a deviant. I don't know where you got that from.

 

The mainstream "dating sites" (outside of eHarmony) are basically meat markets. You should be able to find willing women there. They won't outright say what they're after, but they may have euphemisms in their profile: "casual dating" or "just having fun" or something similar. I didn't have much luck with women in conventional scenarios, but FWBs has worked well for me. If a woman takes a lot of risque pictures of herself, or always has a drink in her hand, well...there's no way to know who someone is on the inside, but they may be sending signals. Come to the dark side, we have cookies.

 

I don't think it's that easy to find women for hookups. Unless your good looking.

 

Women have the pick of the litter online, since men without a doubt outnumber them on many of these sites.

 

Also...not to be mean. But from I can recall, OP is like 5'2. So I don't know if online hookups are gonna be his means for having sex.

[MattW]

It saddens me that you have come to a firm belief that you will never find love. Wouldn't you rather take this time to focus on the positive changes you can make within yourself so that you can find a healthy relationship?

 

Like what? Besides, why bother, anyway? I know that's not going to happen for me. The longer I continue holding out hope that there may be someone out there for me, the more miserable I end up feeling when I find out that it's not true. I'm done trying to believe in something that quite clearly isn't in the cards for me.

 

I can imagine at 24 you probably feel that your virginity is a burden, so I am not going to be hard on you about wanting a sexual fling here and there.

 

*shrug* I look at it less as a burden, and more as "I've never done this thing that most people have been doing since they were teenagers... I wonder what it's like?". I just have a lot of curiosities, and there doesn't seem to be any good reason to wait.

 

My only wish for you is that you pick yourself up and take the time to learn how to talk to women and be a desirable boyfriend. If you know in your heart that you want love, then it is never impossible.

 

What I want doesn't really matter. This is the hand I've been dealt with, and I think it's long past overdue for me to start learning to accept it and stop wishing I could have a better hand dealt to me.

 

Plenty of Fish has plenty of guys and girls looking for a quick hookup, but you can't be too shy to ask, you need to message girls that are looking for "friends" for "hangout" type of thing. Your first message could be real simple, like "Hi, I'm Matt, I think your really pretty and would like to talk" most women looking for an FWB type of thing will look at your pic and profile and respond if interested, if not, at least you didn't waist time typing up a long letter.

 

I have a lot of rough experiences with POF. One odd problem I always run into is that despite having set my location on the site, any time I search for people or look at matches, they're always people that are 50+ miles away from me.

 

The other issue is that I never really see any "signs" or "euphemisms" in anyone's postings that they'd be up for something more casual. In fact, I always see a lot of women write in their profiles "If you're just looking to hook up, don't contact me!".

 

Aside from that, like I said, I had hopes for Adult Friend Finder, but that crapped out on me when I found out that they don't accept prepaid Visa cards. I've also tried responding to and posting ads on Craigslist. Whenever I respond to someone's ad, they never write me back, and whenever I post my own ad, all I ever get are obvious spam e-mails.

 

Just get out there and try it, but you should know that a lot of people fall for the first person they are with and want to date them... hard.

 

Eh. Honestly, the kind of women I'm attracted to for casual sex aren't the type of women I'm attracted to for a "proper" relationship, so I don't know that that would be an issue for me.

 

First off. OP.....Just wanting sex does not make someone a deviant. I don't know where you got that from.

 

Well, no, I mean, I didn't mean it in a derogatory way, it was just an easy-to-understand term to get my point accross.

 

I don't think it's that easy to find women for hookups. Unless your good looking.

 

Yeah, that's kinda what I'm afraid of. Truth be told, though, I'm not particularly wrapped up in trying to get with nice young "hotties". If I could find some older women that aren't traditionally attractive, themselves, that would be open to this kind of thing, I'd be fine with that, really.

 

Also...not to be mean. But from I can recall, OP is like 5'2. So I don't know if online hookups are gonna be his means for having sex.

 

That's true. What would you suggest, then?

[jonny15]

Well, no, I mean, I didn't mean it in a derogatory way, it was just an easy-to-understand term to get my point accross.

 

Well...deviant is a rather regative term.

 

Deviants are molesters and rapists. Not really horny guys that wanna get laid.

 

 

That's true. What would you suggest, then?

 

I'm not for sure myself what you should do.

 

I just don't know if looking for hookups online is gonna be good. Since it seems alot of women have very high standards online from a physical perspective.

 

If your lookin for just sex. then I guess go to craigslist and post about wanting to lose your virginity.

 

Maybe some chick might see it and wanna bang you?

[MattW]

Alright, well... Can anyone else offer some input at all?

[joffie]

Alright, well... Can anyone else offer some input at all?

 

You are not alone. I am 25 and never done anything either.. no kiss, sex ect. Never ever been "close"

My work collages want to take me to a brothel so I can lose the V, but I keep saying I would rather wait for someone special to come. Sadly, I don't think that will ever happen (in this country). All the young people my age are too narcissistic.. Facebook this, instagram that...

[MattW]

Okay, so I may have found a woman that may be willing to mess around with me, but I'm not sure how to progress things from where they are now. Let me go over what's happened thus far...

 

I was on the free chat system of Adult Friend Finder last night, and I saw a local woman on there that looked attractive to me. I wrote her telling her as much, and that I was interested in chatting with her. To my surprise, she wrote me back. She asked me what kind of "relationship" I'm looking for, and I said that I was looking for something fairly casual, but that I was open-minded. She said she was also open-minded about it. She asked me what I was into sexually, and I decided to just be honest and tell her that I've never had sex, but that I was very interested in learning. She seemed surprised I hadn't ever had sex. She asked for a picture of me, so I sent her one. She asked me some other little questions about my physical traits. We exchanged email addresses and phone numbers, and since it was getting kind of late, I told her I'd text her tomorrow (which is today).

 

I have to work until the evening, so I'll probably text her later tonight. But I'm not really sure what to say to her, and how to progress the situation from here. I don't want to seem too eager and try to push for us to get together too soon, but I assume given the site we met on that she probably doesn't want to waste TOO much time just sending texts back and forth, either. I'd also like to talk to her about whether she's STD-free, though I don't know when the most polite time/ method would be to do so.

 

And obviously, I think it would be a good idea to meet her in a public place beforehand, but... where? Going out for drinks seems the most appropriate, but I don't really drink, and I'd rather get together with her in the afternoon or early evening, as I don't plan to spend the night. And there's another question... I know I shouldn't assume we're going to have sex immediately after meeting up for the first time, but since this isn't a traditional "date", should I budget in time for sex afterwards when figuring out when she and I can get together and meet up?

[Jennifer89]

Don't worry about STDs because you will be wearing a condom anyway (I hope), just text her when you get home telling her you are getting in the shower and wondering if she'd like to grab a drink with you after... she'll get the hint.

[Batya33]

I think you should be very concerned about STDs (yes even if you wear a condom) and also about being alone with this stranger -if she is actually a woman you don't know who else she'll tell to meet you at the hotel or wherever you're going to hook up - or perhaps her husband or boyfriend will figure out where she is and barge in -not safe IMO.

 

I think you're making far too much of how much "fun" casual sex with a stranger is going to be for you - I don't think all the risks (including emotional risks) are worth the benefits. If you meet a woman you're attracted to through a dating site or at a party, etc and you get to know her and it looks like there's no long term potential well then that's a safer bet for a casual fling -but a stranger from a site geared to casual sex? I would avoid it.

[MattW]

If you meet a woman you're attracted to through a dating site or at a party, etc and you get to know her and it looks like there's no long term potential well then that's a safer bet for a casual fling -but a stranger from a site geared to casual sex? I would avoid it.

 

Yeah, but that's never going to happen. I am aware (and very concerned) about the risks that come along with something like this, but... It's not going to happen any other way for me. It's either this or nothing, for me, and I'm sick of "nothing".

[BrianH46]

I thought you dont find women attractive unless you get to know them?

[MattW]

For dating, yes, that's true, but for casual sex, I don't really care.

[Jennifer89]

Yeah, but that's never going to happen. I am aware (and very concerned) about the risks that come along with something like this, but... It's not going to happen any other way for me. It's either this or nothing, for me, and I'm sick of "nothing".

 

Matt I have had casual sex with 4 guys and 3 of them were met online, and you know what? I haven't had a single STD yet. I am, as you say, aware of the risks, and I use condoms every time, in fact, I make it clear before meeting up with someone that a condom will be involved. I have a "condom bucket" with regular and large condoms, some plain ol' condoms and others are ribbed or whatever, some are the "thin" condoms... whatever the guy wants, unless he is being really picky, is in the bucket, and if they are still unhappy, they can hit the road. Shockingly I have never had anyone hit the road over a condom. As the women, I also provide my own, as it makes me feel safe, but I wouldn't necessarily turn someone down if he brought the condoms. I also get tested every few months, so if I do get something it should be caught early on.

 

As far as getting your heart involved, just don't go there. Don't imagine being together, don't go out on dates... I would recommend meeting someone at a bar the first time and then after that, just show up. I guess everyone has differing opinions on this one, but I normally just invite my friend over, he comes in, and depending on the guy/mood we either just strip down or we may have some casual polite talk, or maybe we undress the other person... but after getting to talk with a guy some, I just skip the "friend" part and go straight to the sex. I normally give a little hug or high five after, if they guy is into it I give him a firm pat on the a*s then send him on his way.

 

These boards can be a little conservative so a lot of people are against the casual thing, but it worked for me and I don't regret it.

[BrianH46]

So you can look through an adult site and find someone attractive enough to message and ask for casual sex but cannot do the same and ask to hang out with a girl? Attractive enough to ask for sex but not enough for coffee?This woman online is not the "99% of women that have a trait in common" with your mother?