My experience with attraction: can anyone relate?

[Blue Spiral]

How do you do that, mostly online?

 

Yes. My "finding women in public" skills aren't that good, but they're better than they used to be. I've actually met two recent FWBs in a grocery store and a book store, respectively. That was a big step for me.

[quirky]

Yes. My "finding women in public" skills aren't that good, but they're better than they used to be. I've actually met two recent FWBs in a grocery store and a book store, respectively. That was a big step for me.

 

How do you approach them, just start chatting? Also to the ladies online, do you reveal your intentions straight up?

[Blue Spiral]

How do you approach them, just start chatting? Also to the ladies online, do you reveal your intentions straight up?

 

Sometimes I start chatting, and sometimes they start chatting with me (shocking, I know). As my social awareness has improved, I've realized that women actually look at me/linger around me from time to time, and I eventually got up the courage to talk to them.

 

And it isn't so much revealing my intentions as it is revealing my personality/lifestyle. I don't make a request or try to seduce them (that'd be comical, believe me), I'm just honest about who I am. If they feel like taking advantage of that, they do; if not, they usually fade away and find a monogamy-minded guy to chat with. But you can tell when they want to have the option around. A little bit of chatting every day is easy and quick, and it keeps you on their radar; if they suddenly get in the mood, you may be at or near the top of their list. If you've made them feel good with attention and (honest) flattery and such, they may let you make them feel good in other ways.

[Deciduous]

I'm saddened, Blue Spiral,

 

I honestly thought this was going be to a radical post about a man choosing to live his sexuality in a wonderfully freeing and open way. Finding happiness and peace by sharing himself with multiple partners and multiple friends in a way that nourished him and his sexual community.

 

Instead I read a sorrowful tale of desperate lonliness, an inability to connect with other human beings and repressed anger. I'm actually disappointed. I feel I've been sold a very old car by a used car salesman who despises his job.

 

You hint that we should all live this way. That this is our true nature. To be this lonely, this removed from human affection and habour a deep seated anger for those who provide us sexual enjoyment.

 

In your original post, you of course, tell us so little of the salient details of your back-story. The tale might lose it's romantism if you did.

 

You do not go back far enough. You only mention the bits that are palatable to you.

 

You do not tell us about your parents. You do not tell us about their deeply unhappy marriage, the misery it caused to both of them. Or alternatively you do not tell us how one abandoned the other, leaving them embittered, angry and deeply mistrustful of opposite the sex.

 

You do not tell us how you swore you'd be different to them. That you would find love, honesty, happiness and authenic affection. They failed. You won't.

 

You do not tell us that the two devastating break-ups in your early twenties, caused such hurt, such rage and such pain linked to early childhood, that you never actually healed from it.

 

Instead you did what was easiest. You shut down. You extort the value of shutting down to us. The value of failing to heal pyschic wounds and merely letting them festering until you are truly unable to connect with another.

 

My friend this is a sad and devastating tale. Although I am monogamous, I do believe people can be happy with completely different style sexual expression. Whether it be open relationships, multiple partners, swinging etc.

 

But I'm sad to say, this isn't an example of it.

[tiredofvampires]

Basically, you're saying that it's okay for me not to get married because I suck, but not because marriage itself sucks. "Okay, you don't have to get married, but don't you say anything bad about it!" Well, that's a step up from past views of the issue, so we're making progress. Willfully-single people used to be viewed as pretty crazy/subversive, and I'll definitely take "you'd make a lousy husband" over that.

 

First of all, on the "lousy husband" bit -- you went out of your way to itemize all the ways that that would describe you, so I was just agreeing. Just not kid-gloving the terminology. (though some of those items, in and of themselves, could be worked out in the "right" marriage, especially if the woman was a workaholic who doesn't want children with tons of friends she likes to go out with.)

 

But it's hard to know which came first, the chicken or the egg. Did those needs/qualities arise as a reaction to having become jaded, or did those qualities already exist and lead to being an unfit partner, then feed the jadedness? Probably more the former...if we can even say.

 

When a high percentage of something is failing, I don't think it's crazy to say, "Um, maybe we should think twice about that whole idea." If marriage were a car or a prescription drug, it would've been recalled long ago.

 

You can't compare marriage with a consumer good that is out there for the entire public to access, which is mass-produced and has to meet certain standards. No way. Marriage is a customized, unique arrangement/agreement between two unique individuals. And if one marriage fails, that does not affect any other marriage, whereas if you're talking about a faulty product, that would affect anyone who ever bought it. So yes, it would be crazy to try to "recall" a tradition that each person feels differently about and endeavors to succeed at on their own terms. What you are saying is essentially, in a perfect world, the people it's working for would be denied their marriage. Some people ought to speak for everyone? And THAT'S not crazy?

 

Also, you're correct that many (I personally think most) men cheat, which brings about divorce. But I also think that most of that cheating happens because women lose interest in sex. Two wrongs don't make a right, etc., but cheating doesn't usually happen in a vacuum. Is it because they aren't doing whatever to make the women feel secure and loved? I have no idea,

 

Bingo. So you DO have an idea, actually. That is the correct model. Man stops making woman feel secure and loved/heard/cared for. Woman retreats sexually due to this disconnect. Man goes out and cheats. So, 3 wrongs, not 2. Starting with men.

 

In all seriousness though...it's always possible something precipitated him starting to neglect her feelings as well. And maybe he did something before that...ad nauseum. To point the finger at women though for starting to roll the ball of doom is clearly a prejudiced view.

 

I agree with the posters who are saying there are a lot of things that don't add up. And, stupendous post by Deci. I couldn't have written that more eloquently.

 

You say you're slowly pulling more and more away from people (and are you holding that up as healthy? a healthy choice?), yet your comfort socially has improved.

 

You say all you can think about is getting more sex, but you also say that it's no big deal and you could forego it. So you're an apathetic, indifferent horndog looking for poon through the net and any other avenues possible?

 

You say you get women interested in you by being attentive and genuinely nice, safe, and flattering. But earlier you said your thought bubbles while people are talking are, "Why are we still talking?" and "Why are we not having sex?" and "When can I go home?" So you're showing *authentic* interest and care, but you don't care, but you're good at showing it, but you hate PUA con artist stuff and just let them know what you're honestly about. ??? I don't know, if I thought a guy was genuinely considerate and attentive, and suddenly I could see through his head and the script was, "Why are we still talking?", I'd end the convo on the spot. If you had a glass head, based on what you said your inner dialogue is, you wouldn't have too many FWB's. Because not many women even casually want kind/considerate on the outside and "this is all bull, and a terrible bore" on the inside. This is taking your posts at face value, and the inconsistencies you present.

 

What I see in you is someone who is deeply lonely and has adapted to that by walling himself off in a shell of indifference, trying to convince himself that it's enlightened. And, who has perfected the art of beating others to the punch of stating all the reasons you'd be a letdown, because lord knows, if you can convince people (and yourself) that your weaknesses are part of a greater plan for living and therefore fit in with your CHOICES, and here are all the ways you're actively standing for the anti-goal, no one can ever point these weaknesses up and make you feel vulnerable again. "Yes, I know, and it's all intentional! One step ahead of ya!"

 

"Not masculine? Got it covered! Not naturally charming? Got it covered! Not good partner material? Got it covered! Not fit for romance? Got it covered! I'll shoot myself down before you can."

The dead give-away that you are protecting yourself, not just making a liberated choice, is how you speak in terms of how dating, mating, and marriage institutions are failures for everyone. I'd almost buy that "this is who you are" except that you don't allow others their own road to bliss. You condemn it wholesale. You speak as though you have the one right answer and everyone else is either a sucker, a fool, brainwashed, or needy. If you said, "this works for me, and of course I realize this isn't for everyone and others can make what I can't work, work" that'd be one thing. But you keep speaking as though no one can make it work if they're in their right mind.

 

If it can't work for Blue Spiral...it can't work for anyone. You NEED for other people's systems to not work, to keep your lifestyle fully legit to yourself. So that's not just about a personal choice born out of self-discovery. It's reactive, in essence.

 

That in psychobabble lingo is a classic case of cognitive dissonance -- the Fox and the Grapes. "I can't have the grapes, I tried to jump and reach them but they were too high, so I conclude that they were sour anyway. So oh well, I wasn't missing out on anything." The mind needs to reconcile what was desired and not acquired, with what happened instead. That's where we get the expression, "sour grapes."

 

Second dead give-away is that you keep referring to women as "you". "You ignored us [guys]." Me? I ignored stable, decent men to live out my wild years? Why don't I recall that as distinctly as you do? What do you know about my life, to lump me in with your categorical demographic of women you're calling "you"? But I'm a woman, so I belong under the "you" designation, which is all women. Otherwise, you wouldn't talk to abstract women. You wouldn't speak of women in the second person, as if the entire gender is your target audience.

 

So yes, I agree with Deci that you're pretty angry. I wouldn't say you come off as someone to go postal, lol, but I think your MO right now is the long, slow burn of a kind of revenge that takes years to mete out -- and only boomerangs in the end.

 

Sorry to come off as a bit indelicate, but you don't seem like the type to want to beat around bushes. In fact, I sense in you a wee little bit of provocateur. Just a skosh.

[tiredofvampires]

When you are genuinely interested in a person instead of what they can give to you.

 

Not everyone is cut out for that epiphany. Some people truly stay self-centered to the bitter end, either knowingly or unknowingly. Just speaking generally.

[Blue Spiral]

I normally try to avoid conflict in the evening, but...

 

I'm saddened, Blue Spiral,

 

I honestly thought this was going be to a radical post about a man choosing to live his sexuality in a wonderfully freeing and open way. Finding happiness and peace by sharing himself with multiple partners and multiple friends in a way that nourished him and his sexual community.

 

That remains my ideal, yes.

 

Instead I read a sorrowful tale of desperate lonliness, an inability to connect with other human beings and repressed anger. I'm actually disappointed. I feel I've been sold a very old car by a used car salesman who despises his job.

 

I'm not that lonely, but I do have some repressed anger (I feel it's justified) and an inability to connect with others. I don't think I ever claimed otherwise.

 

You hint that we should all live this way. That this is our true nature. To be this lonely, this removed from human affection and habour a deep seated anger for those who provide us sexual enjoyment.

 

I don't care how people live, and I'm not out to convert anyone. I don't know if this is our true nature or not, but I do know that monogamy is an invented social construct (as is pretty much every other type of relationship). The only thing I want to do is get people to think twice about certain assumptions. How they react to that, and where they go from there, doesn't matter to me.

 

In your original post, you of course, tell us so little of the salient details of your back-story. The tale might lose it's romantism if you did.

 

You do not go back far enough. You only mention the bits that are palatable to you.

 

You do not tell us about your parents. You do not tell us about their deeply unhappy marriage, the misery it caused to both of them. Or alternatively you do not tell us how one abandoned the other, leaving them embittered, angry and deeply mistrustful of opposite the sex.

 

I've mentioned some of that on ENA. But this post wasn't about my history, it was more about my take on attraction. As I said, this wasn't the full Blue Spiral Origin Story, it was just the ugly middle chapter.

 

You do not tell us how you swore you'd be different to them. That you would find love, honesty, happiness and authenic affection. They failed. You won't.

 

That wasn't quite what I swore, no. It was more in the vein of "Yeah, that isn't worth the stress."

 

You do not tell us that the two devastating break-ups in your early twenties, caused such hurt, such rage and such pain linked to early childhood, that you never actually healed from it.

 

One was in my mid-twenties, for the record. But no, I didn't tell you about that, beyond the very basics.

 

My early childhood was awesome, btw. The happiest time of my life. When I had to go to preschool and be around other people, it all went downhill from there.

 

Instead you did what was easiest. You shut down. You extort the value of shutting down to us. The value of failing to heal pyschic wounds and merely letting them festering until you are truly unable to connect with another.

 

I like doing what's easiest, I like being shut down, and I don't like connecting with other people (beyond the physical).

 

My friend this is a sad and devastating tale. Although I am monogamous, I do believe people can be happy with completely different style sexual expression. Whether it be open relationships, multiple partners, swinging etc.

 

But I'm sad to say, this isn't an example of it.

 

I never claimed to be some sort of poster boy for non-monogamous relationships.

[Blue Spiral]

You say you're slowly pulling more and more away from people (and are you holding that up as healthy? a healthy choice?), yet your comfort socially has improved.

 

If someone enjoys that, yes, it's healthy. And I'm doing better at getting what I want, but I want it less and less. That's called "irony".

 

You say all you can think about is getting more sex, but you also say that it's no big deal and you could forego it. So you're an apathetic, indifferent horndog looking for poon through the net and any other avenues possible?

 

I like sex, it's one of the main things I think about...but it's not the main thing. I've had to cut it out of my life before, and I've found that I have an incredible amount of self-control in that area. (If I didn't, some woman would have seduced me into marriage, by now.) Also, women ignored me for quite a while when I was younger, so I'm used to going without. And, last but not least, dealing with women's drama frequently kills my sex drive.

 

You say you get women interested in you by being attentive and genuinely nice, safe, and flattering. But earlier you said your thought bubbles while people are talking are, "Why are we still talking?" and "Why are we not having sex?" and "When can I go home?" So you're showing *authentic* interest and care, but you don't care, but you're good at showing it, but you hate PUA con artist stuff and just let them know what you're honestly about. ??? I don't know, if I thought a guy was genuinely considerate and attentive, and suddenly I could see through his head and the script was, "Why are we still talking?", I'd end the convo on the spot. If you had a glass head, based on what you said your inner dialogue is, you wouldn't have too many FWB's. Because not many women even casually want kind/considerate on the outside and "this is all bull, and a terrible bore" on the inside. This is taking your posts at face value, and the inconsistencies you present.

 

You'll note that my quoted inner dialogue was with women I'm not having sex with. When sex (or the possibility thereof) enters the picture, my attention span and attitude radically improve. I'll admit that I'm not big on talking with people in general, or liking them, but I'm capable of a certain level of genuine polite friendliness.

 

The dead give-away that you are protecting yourself, not just making a liberated choice, is how you speak in terms of how dating, mating, and marriage institutions are failures for everyone. I'd almost buy that "this is who you are" except that you don't allow others their own road to bliss. You condemn it wholesale. You speak as though you have the one right answer and everyone else is either a sucker, a fool, brainwashed, or needy. If you said, "this works for me, and of course I realize this isn't for everyone and others can make what I can't work, work" that'd be one thing. But you keep speaking as though no one can make it work if they're in their right mind.

 

Oh, I'm absolutely protecting myself. I'm very cautious and risk-averse. And, as I said in another post, I don't think that only I have the right answer. I'm just not willing to bet the farm on someone else's answer. Do I think that many people doing it the normal way are suckers, fools, brainwashed, or needy? Absolutely, but there's no way to know for certain. Please don't criticize me for thinking that, you all seem to think even worse things about me...

[tiredofvampires]

And, as I said in another post, I don't think that only I have the right answer.

 

Then maybe it's time to stop generating the continued rhetoric that has characterized all your posts on marriage/monogamy/etc. to the effect that it's obsolete, antiquated, wrong just because it's a madmade construct (like, clothes are a manmade construct, too -- why are you not on a soapbox about being a nudist, and why aren't you one yourself?), etc.? In this very thread, you said marriage, like a faulty car or dangerous legal drug, should be removed from the market. That sounds like you're issuing a pretty strong referendum. So I was just responding to that and many other opinionated pronouncements like it you've made over time. I've never heard you once say, "This works for me, and I'll grant that marriage and/or monogamy can and do work for others."

 

If you'd like to say that, now would be a good opportunity.

[Deciduous]

Hello Blue Spiral,

 

Good to meet you at last.

 

but I do have some repressed anger (I feel it's justified) and an inability to connect with others. I don't think I ever claimed otherwise.

 

Your rage is due to old wounds and your inability to successful and honestly face or explore them. You fear them, so what lies at their core remains hidden and repressed at a subconscious level. At a conscious level you have twisted whatever emotion lies in the subconscious, into rage and pushed it onto women.

 

Sex has become an act of hostility and emotional aggression. Those disrespectful thoughts you have about your sexual partners "Why aren't we having sex yet? Why is she still talking" gives relief to that rage. Temporarily. It is your secret revenge. Your temporary relief. Like putting a cold compress on a headache.

 

Then it flares up again, becomes unbeareable. And onto the next woman.

 

Due to multiple sexual rejections when you were younger, and the demise of two substantial relationships, you clearly went into a spiral. It went to the core of your self-esteem and obliterated it. That happens to most of us. But as we heal, we recover our self-esteem, we feel our rage and heal the pain and the rage goes away.

 

That has not happened here. In actual truth it is sign of a complicated grieving process which has frozen mid process, never to restart

 

Whatever self-loathing you felt over sexual rejection back then, has been externalised an pressed upon women, who you see as all powerful. It is no wonder that you have such rage. We pick and choose which man will come to our bed, whilst callously rejecting others.

 

You are consciously aware of that rage, but not of the internal issue. That is where the healing needs to happen. If you still nursing your anger, it's because old wounds have not been allowed to heal and have festered over time.

 

But why live like this? It is possible to live in peace and solitude. They are not mutally exclusive.

 

All the best

 

Deci

[Blue Spiral]

I didn't say that marriage should be removed from the market, I said that such a product would be, if it failed that often. Granted, by that logic, relationships as a whole would be removed, since the failure percentage for them is ridiculously high.

 

I've never heard you once say, "This works for me, and I'll grant that marriage and/or monogamy can and do work for others."

 

If you'd like to say that, now would be a good opportunity.

 

Alrighty. This works for me, and I'll grant that marriage and/or monogamy works for others...maybe twenty to thirty percent of the time.

 

Again, you're trying to get me to compromise: "You don't have to do it, but you can't say anything bad about it!" Au contraire. I don't have to do it, and I can say whatever I want about it.

[Blue Spiral]

Deci, I'm definitely trying to get rid of my rage, and I've gotten rid of most of it. You should have seen me in junior high and high school. But pointing out logical things isn't the same as rage, to me, and I'll continue to do that.

[Deciduous]

Deci, I'm definitely trying to get rid of my rage, and I've gotten rid of most of it. You should have seen me in junior high and high school. But pointing out logical things isn't the same as rage, to me, and I'll continue to do that.

 

Alas, as long as your "logic" is viewed through the lens of anger and unhealed emotions, it will remain inauthentic.

[tiredofvampires]

Alrighty. This works for me, and I'll grant that marriage and/or monogamy works for others...maybe twenty to thirty percent of the time.

 

Done. haha. 20-30% is actually probably on the generous side.

 

Again, you're trying to get me to compromise: "You don't have to do it, but you can't say anything bad about it!" Au contraire. I don't have to do it, and I can say whatever I want about it.

 

When did I say you shouldn't say anything bad about it? That would be ridiculously black-and-white.

 

For the record, I'm a traditional romantic (emotionally, not so much in material displays) and had hoped to marry, though I'm unmarried and don't know if I'll even have another relationship. But I'm far from "conventional" in my general approaches to relationships and life.

 

I'm not sure why you felt the need to post that part in bold, because I have absolutely no vested interest in "getting" you to do or say anything. Not sure how you turned this into a power struggle where I'm trying to muzzle you, but I suppose enough people trying to force an idea down your throat makes anyone else look like they're doing it too, even if that's nowhere in the content of the discussion.

 

I was merely trying to point out to you that someone who is judging others' lifestyles has an agenda that is usually quite emotionally charged -- whether that's condemning gays, polyamory, monogamy, or traditional marriage. So you're no exception. People who preach to others about the value of traditional marriage are no more or less moralizing and judgmental (and to do that, you have to have emotional baggage) than those preaching about the foolishness and social backwardness of marriage. You're just the other side of the coin.

 

Perhaps you'd like to enter into a self-critique about the emotions behind that, for you -- how they are serving you, or not serving you.

 

Or not. Just am a huge non-black-and-white thinker, and thought I might rally you to the cause.

 

If you are satisfied with your life, you are the only arbiter of that. And only you know for sure what the score is. I've just seen as many ways for people to deceive themselves as people in the world.

[agatha]

This has got to be the best topic on ena this year. It deserves a medal, truly.

 

I'm all pro-fwb and nsa, and I feel it's necessary to point out:

 

Blue Spiral says he can't connect (he listed his issues one by one), but before saying that, he said he doesn't want to. But he has already connected (twice or thrice before). And it all sounds very... inconsistent, right?

 

That inconsistency points to many unresolved emotional issues there, and of course he can't be happy just patching the glitches, everything needs to be solved so he can really move on (or so he's told).

 

He wants the sex, but no relationship, and for that he must be crucified... (or so it seems)

 

Well, to me it looks more of a matter of choice - he is choosing not to connect. Been there, done that. FWBs are theoretically easier, as long as they keep their end of the agreement. I'm younger and on the other side of the gender pool (and I don't think monogamous relationships are all doomed to failure), but I get the picture.

 

What I really don't get is how has a topic on the attraction and flirting forum, about attraction and gender dynamics regarding the optimal effort to build a sexual connection turned into a "let's dwell on Blue Spiral's emotional issues because he's selling something emotionally unhealthy" topic. Have you guys ever stopped to wonder that many happy families were built from "broken" couples (people emotionally unstable that decided they wanted to be together)? People have issues, choosing to cope with them alone, in a healthy or unhealthy emotional environment is that: choice.

 

Like when the world collectively spends more on defense and war than on guaranteeing human rights, and then we feel guilty about the famines in Africa. Talk about inconsistency...

 

talk about being human.

[ycmanvs]

Very well said...

I've seen posts from the OP for the past few years, and he seems to know himself rather well.

[Deciduous]

Agatha,

 

You are, of course, right. This could have been an imformative and amicable thread where we discussed the merits of different sexual life styles - and hope-fully promoted understanding. Or some such thing.

 

Not rigidly closed minds.

 

However, I'm not so sure Blue Spiral adopted "a live and let live" stance which might have facilitated that goal. He was contempteous of those who choose monogamy as a way of being, and belittled the emotional reasons behind those choices.

 

There-fore, in turn he wasn't respected. It is difficult for him to be really heard and respected when he take this avenue. It is also inevitable that we would be curious about his own emotional environment and the emotional catalsyt that begin his way of thinking.

 

What could have been a great discussion, is a rather disrespectful one. But then, I often find humans get a upset when you belittle and mock the very values they are building their entire life around.

 

Many of Blue Spiral's detractors on this thread could have been originally approached in a manner that would have encourged open conversation. Having said this, I realise that Blue Spiral doesn't have much human interaction, so perhaps we should have been a little more understanding, a little more accepting of some of the social blunders.

 

He wants the sex, but no relationship, and for that he must be crucified... (or so it seems)

 

I think you misunderstand. A lot of us have had either ONS or FWB. I even wrote a thread about it, some-where.

 

I don't think many people think that they should outlawed or banned. I think the point is perhaps, for the brief time you are with that person, you should treat them with dignity, a little kindness and a modicum of R.E.S.P.E.C.T. That doesn't seem to be occurring in BlueSpirals case. That is the issue.

 

 

Deci

[tiredofvampires]

This is not just a thread about an observation, theory, and method of operation around attraction.

 

This is also a thread where Blue Spiral has chosen to lay bare the reasons he has chosen the lifestyle and priorities he has -- with posts laced with disparaging views not just about lifestyles he's rejected, but about women's exploitative and opportunistic ways throughout the courtship process, set in an autobiographical framework. His entire premise of how he's come to lead this life is based on the views he has of the opposite sex, none of which are edifying.

 

I've been reading Blue Spiral's posts for ages (though this is the first thread I think I've seen), and while I don't always disagree with some of the individual statements he makes, on whole, he introduces an element of gender warfare into nearly all of what he says. This thread is no exception, so it's not just a neutral attraction discussion.

 

So you can't separate his life choices in this thread, or the abstract discussion of attraction, from his very personal conclusions and negative commentary about the opposite sex and how they've driven him to this, in a way. I see he's making a choice -- AND, that choice is also built on resentment which he openly expresses.

 

I feel that everyone here has just responded to that in kind. And as this forum is about helping people work through unresolved issues, it's par for the course when the OP submits them as part of the subject itself, whether that was his intent or not. His polarizing commentary elicited that. I trust that as an OP, he also is perfectly capable of steering it somewhere else. I see Blue Spiral as hard to offend, and that's a compliment.

 

I don't see he's been crucified for choices -- he's been asked to question his conclusions, perhaps because even for someone who professes to be pretty set in his ways, there's still room for growth. It's an active choice he's making not to live a conventional sexual or relationship life. He's fine with that. Is it also an active choice he's making to continue to cultivate warfare, gender or otherwise, in his heart? Is he fine with that, too? Because that is the lifeblood of much of this thread he's made, and if that element was not injected, perhaps another kind of discussion could have unfolded. Maybe if he changed these themes for himself, the threads would follow.

 

And even then, posters have said hey, if you're happy and it's working for you, more power to it.

[Blue Spiral]

Alas, as long as your "logic" is viewed through the lens of anger and unhealed emotions, it will remain inauthentic.

 

If unresolved emotional issues prevent logic, then no one is logical, surely.

[Blue Spiral]

I was merely trying to point out to you that someone who is judging others' lifestyles has an agenda that is usually quite emotionally charged -- whether that's condemning gays, polyamory, monogamy, or traditional marriage. So you're no exception. People who preach to others about the value of traditional marriage are no more or less moralizing and judgmental (and to do that, you have to have emotional baggage) than those preaching about the foolishness and social backwardness of marriage. You're just the other side of the coin.

 

I disagree, obviously. I'm honestly not a judgmental person, outside of self-defense (i.e. determining what's safe for me) and trying to figure out what works and what doesn't. My lack of judgmental...ism has actually gotten me in trouble, as has my lack of jealousy. It isn't any of my business whether people are getting married, or being monogamous, or doing polyamory, or are gay, or whatever. If it works for them and doesn't hurt anyone, more power to them. I can't tell you how many times someone has tried to gossip/complain about something someone is doing, and I'm all, "How is that any of our business?" or "Who cares, as long as they're happy?" I have certain philosophical beliefs, but I keep them to myself, I'm not out trying to convert anyone.

[Blue Spiral]

This has got to be the best topic on ena this year. It deserves a medal, truly.

 

Huzzah!

 

Thank you for the defense, but there's one thing I should clarify:

 

Blue Spiral says he can't connect (he listed his issues one by one), but before saying that, he said he doesn't want to. But he has already connected (twice or thrice before). And it all sounds very... inconsistent, right?

 

My "connections" didn't last long or really work at all. If you added up my two and a half relationships (sitcom rights are available!), I've been in relationships for maybe a year and a half of my life, and that's being generous. And I wanted to connect, back then. Now, as you said, I'm choosing not to connect.

[Blue Spiral]

I don't think many people think that they should outlawed or banned. I think the point is perhaps, for the brief time you are with that person, you should treat them with dignity, a little kindness and a modicum of R.E.S.P.E.C.T. That doesn't seem to be occurring in BlueSpirals case. That is the issue.

 

You're right, I don't have much respect for humanity as a whole. (I'm a misanthrope, not a misogynist.) I'm working on that, but it seems to go against my nature. I treat people well, but if I woke up one morning and everyone but me was dead, I wouldn't think it was any big loss. It's hard for an asocial person to find non-sexual value in other people.

[tiredofvampires]

It's hard for an asocial person to find non-sexual value in other people.

 

If I woke up and everyone but me was dead....there'd be a huge problem.

 

There'd be no one to make the music. No one to help fix my computer. Oh wait, but there would be no one to email and no videos to watch anyway, so I guess nix that (guess I could watch re-runs). I think I'd be most worried about the fact that at 45, I'm not prepared to whittle a spear and start fishing with it. Especially if my car broke down, I couldn't bring it anywhere to get repaired, and I had to haul the fish back to my apartment from the ocean for a mile, and that's considerably better than hauling bison if you live in that part of the country. This forum sure would be dead. And this time, literally.

 

What would you do with your weekends during the fall and winter season?

[Blue Spiral]

What would you do with your weekends during the fall and winter season?

 

Well, obviously, I'd have declared myself Ruler of Earth and God by then, so I'd be working on converting some big building into my temple. With no artificial heat, it'd have to be somewhere warm, so probably Cali. Florida has too many hurricanes...

 

In all seriousness, I haven't talked to any of my FWBs or FWB candidates, today, and I can't say that I mind.

[Me82]

Robotic women? you need a psychiatrist.

The need of regular sex it's all bs. Excuses. A guy in a decent in a relationship have that everyday, if not multiple times a day. But you, single, can't afford.

You want sex, but don't want to date, is like wanting a ferrarri but too lazy to learn how to drive. Doesn't make any sense.