I'm curious when the 'Dumper' feels the loss & pain of a LTR?

[SooSad33]

It's been about 3 months after our BU. Were together for 5 yrs.

Although he seemed to have found another 'interest' slightly before our split, I'm pretty sure

IS a 'Rebound', since he's recently told me how he misses me and still loves me...As well, he's called me on his own ( NOT instigated by me), a few days ago.

I am aware though that my ex did admit he does miss me and still loves me,,, ya right, this is 'love'?

Then why are you not here???

I've been working on this all week, trying to 'take it with a grain of salt' and understand that of course he's going to still have feelings.

 

So, now, I'm wondering with all of this going on, IF he's beginning to feel a tinge of 'guilt or loss'?

Does it seem like he is in a 'rebound relation'? I understand that in these types of relationships, the rebounder can't go far and it won't work out because they are not emotionally available. Guess not, if he's still got these feelings for me?

 

 

I'm curious to hear from those who have done the 'dumping' and moved on so quickly to another

relation/dating.

If or when they actually start to feel any negative feelings for what's happened between them and their ex?

 

Does it take a few weeks because you put it on the back burner (your feelings), or are you still sitting in some type of 'denial' 2-3 months later?

or... does it actually start to sink in after a few months? Does it have anything to do with

YOUR feelings towards your 'new relationship'?.. the rebound? ( Like regrets for doing this)

and do you wish you didn't leave your ex and miss them??

 

I'm trying hard here to understand how this works for the 'other side'. I don't understand HOW they can move on this way, after having a LTR and act like it was nothing.

As I have been sitting here for months so lost and empty It hurts so bad!

[sharky988]

As long as you stay in contact with him, to ease his guilt and keep him from missing you? He never has to feel that loss!

[Edmund Exley]

Usually they have made their peace with the breakup before it even happens. That is how they have decided its time to move on. They have spent all the time rationalizing what life without the other person will be like and they come to the conclusion that is what they want. This is why the "dumpers" seems to move on to another relationship so fast. They have already dealt with the pain before they left.

[Edmund Exley]

Its also not a good idea to get tied up on the "Its just a rebound" thinking. It may be, but it very well may not be. Both of my previous long term relationships went on to marry the person that I was convinced was "just a rebound, she'll be back". Glad I didn't wait it out.

[True2V]

I agree.

 

I knew 6 months before I ended my relationship that it was over. Actually, I knew before that, but I planned to leave 6 months before I did. I can't say I loved him the day I left him or any day since. The dumper gets bored or lonely and calls, but there really is no emotion behind it. You are familiar and convenient, once something better comes along, you are out of the picture for good.

[surfjon]

Be extremely careful not to fall into this trap, I recently did (was the dumpee), she wanted back after six months, was still ambivalent, so I bailed again this past Monday and NO WAY am falling for it again......

 

I agree with all who say it is out of lonlieness, convenience and familiarity, if they loved us, they wouldn't have ever left in the first place....

 

I won't be the chump looking stupid when she finds something better cause I'm gonna beat her to it.....I'm out!

[SooSad33]

Yes, guess that could be true... to call because I'm familiar to him? Sumone also said he's 'bored' and watch it.

I listened to his 'tone of voice' when he called me 3 days ago- left me msg. He sounded 'low' and said 'If I wanted to talk to let him know'. Maybe he was having a 'lonely night'?

I found it a lil odd though to actually hear him say to me on the phone last week, admitting how he 'still loves me'. I didn't expect to hear that. Especially if he's got another interest?

I noted above, mention of fact he could have no more 'feelings; re our relationship or for me? Then why would he be telling me all of this stuff still, if he's 'over me'? (Missing me, still loves me.. still calling)

 

I guess I'm also still wondering WHAT these dumpers and rebounders actually feel and when?

Do they have any feelings at all for what they had for so many years?

[mhowe]

They have memories, not feelings.

[ParisPaulette]

As a former dumper I can also verify that I did indeed check out mentally from the relationship well before I pulled the plug. Did I feel lonely and miss him, yes. Did I toy with the idea of calling him just to soothe my ego and get an ego boost if he responded. No, because I couldn't be that selfish and I knew that way lay madness. I see you keep posting on here about this, but why don't you just send him a text and aski him why he said those things if he's still with his current GF. Then tell him how much it hurts you and if he's not sincere about getting back together and leave the other woman to come back to you to just stop it, because he's being incredibly selfish in wanting both of you.

 

Otherwise you can speculate and hope and assign all sorts of potential reasons without ever knowing the truth, because you aren't asking the one person who knows--him.

[SooSad33]

So you think it's an 'ego boost' thing, Paulette?

To be replying back to your ex (texts) and calling now and then to talk.. even saying how he misses me and

'still loves me'?

And like Mhowe mentioned.. not feelings, just memories.. How long were u together Paulette, where you left?

Was it on bad terms?

I'm just curious about a few things like how or when they feel sad etc? Probably right away like we do, because of the loss of the person/relation?

I'm thinking maybe he feels a little of something, since he doesn't mind hearing from me and admits he misses me too- stuff like that?

Ugh- I dont know..?

[Ms Darcy]

He is using you to get over you. I am sure he's a little lonely, but it is unwise to offer him friendship.

[mhowe]

He isn't.looking for her friendship. He has moved on...he "allows" OP to text him. He said is letting her use him to get over him in her own time. Like a benevolent pity.

[Annia]

It seems weird for me.

 

I was dating this guy and I thought he really liked me. Then all of a sudden he breaks up with me by text and 5 days after dumping me he was in a relationship with another girl (with whom he's still now... it's been a year or so) . My theory is that he already had something with her or at least had the idea of having something with her and as soon as he saw that was possible he dumped me. He wanted me to believe it was an accident that he met her, but do I really believe that they met and started a serious relationship 5 days after by accident?

 

When the rebound is too soon maybe it's not a rebound... I'm not saying he cheated on you, but I don't think you should get your hopes high just because he says he loves you, yet he dumped you and is with someone else. Love is about actions, not words. Try to move on and put the ball on his court, that meaning that if he wants you he's the one that has to prove to you that he's worth it. If not you'll be moving on to greater things.

[iam42]

i have felt different levels of attachment to the ex whether as dumper or as dumpee. the thing that mainly determines how i deal with those feelings of attachment is my level of determination to move on. in other words, if i am convinced that a relationship is not for me (regardless of who left), then my romantic attachment to the ex is less relevant than my wanting to find a more suitable partner in the future. (this is the attitude of most dumpers, but dumpees who have been afflicted with excessive pride often feel this as well.

 

i think it is important for dumpees to allow themselves to feel turned off, dismayed, disappointed, disinterested even in the one who left -- if only because that person left. it seems to me that knowing that your beloved has (possibly cheated and) moved on with someone else creates an automatic internal shut-off. sure, there are strong feelings of rejection, betrayal, pain to get over, but active desire for that person dies. at least that is what has happened with me. good luck.

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, I do think to some degree it's an ego boost thing any time an ex leaves someone then calls them up to tell them they miss you, play with your head, get confirmation you feel the same way and then do not ask if you and they can have another chance. Especially when someone else is in the picture. I think that, because logically nothing else makes any sense. Also alot of times I see that sort of thing done when the new relationship the ex is in isn't quite living up to their fantasy and they just need someone else to remind them they are indeed as desirable as they hoped they were, but now the new flame is maybe making them doubt that they are. Especially if their ex let them get away with something the new flame maybe isn't--i.e. you let him go play poker every Monday and she doesn't. That's just an example, but I think you get the picture.

 

The relationship I'm talking about is the last ex (I've had several) and it was an on-again/off-again thing where he played with my head pretty heavy breaking up with me only to come back when things didn't work out for him with whoever it was he'd left me for the time before. The last time we got together I was alot more cautious and skeptical, I gave him one last chance but early on I started seeing signs of things being "off" again and sort of knew what was coming. At that point I shut down emotionally and started to just not care about him and I began keeping "score" in my head every time I saw a behavior that indicated he'd be leaving soon. I stopped answering the phone, stopped really thinking about him, sort of checked out and would just go throug the motions and then when I found proof he was cheating on me I just ended it for good. By that time I was just fed up and disgusted with him and myself too. He tried to reach out several times with the whole "I love you, I miss you" thing by text and phone messages and even in person and I just didn't care. I knew for him it was all about the chasing and confirmation I was still into him rather than him wanting a real relationship, so I just kept telling him no and finally had to get pretty nasty to get him to leave me alone since he took to showing up at my house and/or "bumping" into me at places he knew I hung out. He stopped when I told him I was embarrassed I'd ever thought he was anything special, which was actually the truth. I still squirm about it sometimes thinking I wasted so much time over him and I squirm more about my own role in the whole mess because I had my own responsibility by continually going back for more after I knew he'd left me and kept leaving me for other women. Even once, just someone at his work who it turned out didn't actually like him, but he still broke up with me to try and have a chance with her. Yes, I was that deluded--sad, right?

 

I also realized my ex had some sort of weird self-esteem issues where he would be too shy to approach other women unless I was in the picture. So long as I was there feeding his ego he felt safe enough to go ahead and pursue other women, something he finally admitted to. That was just a little too weird for me, but it's something I suspect alot of players and hot/cold men and women have going on. They don't feel attractive and they have esteem issues, but if they have someone they know is waiting in the wings for them or validating them then they can convince themselves maybe they do deserve that other gal or guy they normally wouldn't pursue after all. Anyways that's what a therapist friend and I came up with and yes, the whole on again/off again/let's be friends/I miss and love you but will choose to remain with other people thing messed with my head that badly. It took me six years to find my way out of that particualar cursed forest and all I can say is Never Again.

 

By the way there's a really excellent song about all this by Evanescence titled "Call Me When You're Sober" that says it all. Look up the lyrics, it really does sum up exactly the sort of thing you are going through and the only response you really should be giving him. Obviously the writer of that song had been there too. I played the heck out of that song after my breakup.

[mg22]

Honestly if they dump you they are relieved your out of the picture. I don't think for one minute they miss us in a romantic way. Most dumpers have a good reason to walk away, the majority either fell out of love or started dating someone right away. So my conclusion is they may think about us but not in a romantic way, if they still loved us why did they dump us?? Best is never to think they will regret leaving us and come running back for forgiveness, its only setting us up for disappointment. That's why NC is so important, remember NC is for the DUMPEE, it allows us to get control of our feelings and move on. I also thought maybe one day my ex would regret and come back, but he didn't, by then I had followed NC that I was strong enough to accept it and move on.