Struggling post divorce and want my ex wife back

[lostandhurt]

Do you think the way you have been acting is attractive to her?

 

Do what Lester has suggested. You really need to take her down from the pedestal you have her on in your mind. You mentioned some things in your posts that tell me she has a pattern. Who knows if it was youth, selfishness or just the way she wants to live her life.

 

It can never go back to the way it once was and you need to accept that as fact. The future is unknown and uncontrollable. The one thing you do have control over is you. Learn what NOT to do and you will be way ahead in this journey.

 

Cut all verbal contact with her as much as possible. Text or email for arrangements for your daughter. No more expressing your feelings to her about anything!!! This means if you are happy, sad, in love or lonely. She gets nothing from you and then after some time she will start asking you how you are. Then vague answers is all she will get from you. During this time you need to do a 180 degree turn and build up your body and mind. Living in the past wishing you had her back will get you nowhere fast.

 

Get your life going, be happy, enjoy your time with your daughter, do the things you used to do before you met her, call up old friends and hang out, get a new hobby, dress nice and be positive in your movements through life. This will make you attractive to not only to your ex but to yourself. The way you see yourself has a lot to do with the way you carry yourself through life.

 

Basically she knows she can have you back anytime she wants so why should she be in any hurry to do that?

 

Time to work on you so you can move forward

 

Lost

[KUDSM]

Thanks again for the continued words and encouragement. It seems people in this place seem to know a lot to do in this situation!

 

I will adopt the lack of contact and has actually started that this weekend and sent an email tonight regarding our daughter.

 

I've bought the book Lester recommended and I've also bought a book on self esteem as I do think that mine is low at the minute. Before I met her, if someone had treated me how she has I would have just walked away with no concern and wouldn't turn back. I am verging on despising myself as I don't feel that way now and I do feel quite pathetic for feeling the way I do when someone has done want they did to me.

 

I agree I need to get her off the pedestal and other people have said that to me also.

 

So thanks for the encouragement and guidance. I've bookmarked the page and so will keep on dipping in!

 

Thanks again everyone

[Lester]

On low self-esteem...

Because of mass media saturation of pop culture "wisdom," low self-esteem is to be treated like a disease instead of a learning phase as it's meant to be.

 

Only when we are down and humbled do we open our hearts to God and allow him to move closer to us. It takes time to be humbled!

 

So be careful Kud when taking advice and being in a rush to alleviate your pain.

 

Only from your pain will come true growth.

 

True Growth:

- You move closer to God and thank him for what you have. (More than you know! Think)

- You learn what the words honor and integrity mean.

 

PS, Honorable men value character not processions, status, looks, popularity or other soon to fade values.

PS2 Being honorable makes you lifelong attractive.

[KUDSM]

Well the smalley book recommended arrived today and I had read some 50 pages...

 

I have found it useful and interesting but have had to out it down for 2 reasons. Firstly, she is in love with someone else....which means, secondly I cannot win her back. All this book is doing currently is telling me things I should have done to be a better husband. While that is good stuff I am no longer married. I'm divorced and she is in love with someone else.

 

It is just upsetting me even more that I can't win her back and the things I'm reading cannot be employed in my situation.

 

Should I leave the book until I am in a better place and then read to try and make any future relationships better?

[KUDSM]

Would there be any advantage in telling her what I've read and what I'm reading to show how genuine I am - or is that not going to have any affect at all?

[Lester]

Would there be any advantage in telling her what I've read and what I'm reading to show how genuine I am - or is that not going to have any affect at all?

 

No it would have the reverse effect.

[Lester]

Well the smalley book recommended arrived today and I had read some 50 pages...

 

I have found it useful and interesting but have had to out it down for 2 reasons. Firstly, she is in love with someone else....which means, secondly I cannot win her back. All this book is doing currently is telling me things I should have done to be a better husband. While that is good stuff I am no longer married. I'm divorced and she is in love with someone else.

 

It is just upsetting me even more that I can't win her back and the things I'm reading cannot be employed in my situation.

 

Should I leave the book until I am in a better place and then read to try and make any future relationships better?

 

To be frank Kud... anything you do and I really mean anything, that will keep you from talking/calling her is good.

I understand the pain you are feeling! I really do... but you must go through it.

 

Right now, you are in great danger. The chances of you falling into another incompatible/loveless marriage are very high. (You are a great guy... and attractive! You wouldn't be here if you weren't!)

 

Put Smalley to the side or read from the back forwards.

 

PS, I'm not interested in you getting you wife back. I interested in you being the man you should be...

PS2, Don't let pain you are feeling make you do crazy things. Crazy... talking to your ex about anything.

 

 

 

From this will spring all your happiness.

[Lester]

There are some great guys over in "Relationship with X!" Talk to them for more support.

 

Looking back on your marriage; could you say now that you were compatible from the start? Was the romance rushed or trapped?

[hopingforbettr]

KUDSM,

 

Trust me cut ALL contact to emails and text.... You will gain nothing what so ever by telling her how you feel... I've done this and have been where you are and the only thing you can do is move on find anything that will make you look forward to tomorrow and think happy thoughts. Make yourself smile! Smiling will help you feel better! Go outside and look up at the sky and think wow its a beautiful day how can I enjoy it, even if its raining! Yes I've danced in the rain many times with laughter..

 

I just saw my ex this morning in the deli at work, we work in the same building, she is downstairs I'm up. Thankfully we rarely see eachother! She actually held the door for me as I walked through it today as she came through first. She didn't look at me with anything other then disgust as I won't talk to her and it makes her mad. Why would anyone want to talk to someone who took every ounce of their inner being and trust then stepped on it and threw it all away?

 

My ex has moved in another guy within 2 months or so of leaving the house and alot of other stuff.

 

Me I've found my happy place in life and do what makes me happy.... I've focused mainly on my kids, I've looked back to the time before I was married and found part of that guy who enjoyed rodeo's and horseback riding and changed my wardrobe back to that guy,I've spent time around horses and rodeos again and I've spent days and nights driving long trips just to turn around and drive back home when I get there just so I could say I've been there, I'm looking at a long distance trip to go get a new puppy very soon possibly this weekend. I've had a girlfriend who wasn't ready to commit into a relationship and we broke up and I'm still happy! Find your happiness, look forward toward tomorrow and smile!

 

Whatever it takes look forward.....

[KUDSM]

Thanks Lester I will do that. In hindsight and when I think objectively, I think it was somewhat rushed and that there was something that happened previous when I should have walked away. But I wanted it to work. You live and learn!

 

Just hope its not too late for me. Not now, but one day!

[KUDSM]

Thanks for your story. It's comforting to know I'm not alone - but not nice for so many people and on so many levels!!

 

Life certainly isn't fair is it? Thanks for encouragement and advice. Hope you also find what you're looking for, whatever that is!

[Lester]

When I read between your lines… I hear incompatibility.

 

My core reason for being on this forum is to teach husbands how to save their at-risk, compatible marriages.

There are two broad percepts that I follow:

1. You can only change yourself; but in doing so you can change the world around you.

2. You both had to be compatible and of free will to marry. No sexual/emotional/financial traps.

 

The above would be easy to understand and follow if it were not for the madding mind haze a failing marriage creates in its victims. (You!)

 

 

You were caught off guard because you thought you knew all there was to know about marriage/failing marriages. (Turn on the TV and count how many relationships are in the grips of infidelity.) Add to this, the before the fact pop-culture advice of “just walk away, just divorce, find another, etc., and you have a fertile situation for a Kudsm who has been “caught in the headlights.”

 

As you found out Kudsm… it’s different when it hits close to home!

 

So where are we at now:

I am trying to save you marriage, just maybe not this one.

You must get to a good place first, (no mind haze), where you can be free to think. This will take time!

 

Be kind to you future… stop all chasing of this woman!

 

 

PS, A failing marriage is no different than having a gun pointed at you. It’s different when it happens to you!

[Jeffbobo]

There are some great guys over in "Relationship with X!" Talk to them for more support.

 

Yes! A MUST read AND *do* post there.

[KUDSM]

Hi everyone

 

Well I have absolutely got it into my head that I don't want that woman back and that I want as little to do as possible with her. I almost wish I could be really quite nasty to her, but as my daughters mum and that fact we need flexibility around childcare, I can't and won't do that.

 

I'm currently on holiday with my daughter and this is the first time I've been away with her alone on holiday as a single dad with her. It's sometimes tough doing the things amongst the other families and seeing them leasin normal family life.

 

Yes I still have up and downs but I'm focused on trying to find me again, build my life and find my self confidence and self esteem again as I've been crushed these last few months.

 

I've found comfort in readin others stories and seeig how they are so similar. It's good to know I'm not alone and what I'm feeling is natural. Will keep coming back to this place and hope to be able to help others as time moves by.

 

Cheers all

[Lester]

This is good stuff! Your trials are not over but you are on the right track!

 

Keep it up but steady yourself for the weird.

 

Soon your ex will begin probing and investigating you.

Once she realizes you are moving on her world will start crumble. She will panic; For this will be the first time really see's you.

 

It will also be the first time she see's the person she's with! (You see Kudsm, you have been preventing that with your chasing!)

 

This will be a bad day for her and she will most likely want to talk to you.

She needs this to keep her propped-up store front intact.

 

 

Do not waver when this happens! Do not be mean or condescending. Do not allow her to drag you into conversations about you and her.

 

Remind yourself of your mistakes and how you need more time to sort this mess out!

 

PS, Want to help others? God is moving toward you!

[Hijazi]

Hey KUDSM,

 

My wife left me 9 months ago out of the blue as well , but for different reasons.

 

What I can tell you for sure is the following: there is a huge difference between what your heart wants (in this case your love for her) and what your brain and logic tells you.

 

In my case, I always wanted to see her or talk to her despite every advice I received telling me not to. What I've realized is that I was not in love with her as a person anymore, she hurt me too damn much for that.

 

I was in love with the happy memories I had with her! Of course you'll tell yourself you'll never find such deep happiness ever again bla bla bla. But you know what? In the end, this experience will make you stronger and a more attractive partner for women as you mature and learn from past experiences. You will be able to tell what you look for in a relationship with more accuracy, you will be able to see warning signs ahead of time and prevent disasters and my personal favorite: you will be more cautious to love again. This is a good thing as that next special someone will have to work much harder to earn your love and it's almost certain that the quality of the relationship will be better.

 

As for my advice? The same thing you heard a thousand time in the past... cut all ties. I did that recently and know deep down it's for the best. especially in your case. The woman premeditated her departure from you by FIRST finding another man, then making sure he's better than you and finally leaving suddenly leaving you shell shocked. That highlights cowardice and ignorance on her behalf because the best relationships are those where both partners stick together in the worst times possible and come out even stronger and happier. In the end, I am sure your ex wife will realize her loss and may or may not try to contact you. It might be to try to get you back or more likely (as it was in my case) to get an ego boost out of knowing she's still desirable.

 

In these situations, trust your head and your instincts and ignore your heart. It will hurt like a but in the long run it will accelerate the recovery process. Think of it as a smoker who quits and then takes a puff of a cigarette innocently at a party. He's back at square one. Apply the same concept here.

 

Good luck man, let me know if you need any more help.

[KUDSM]

Hi everyone. Has been re-reading this and it's full of great advice to remind myself!

 

While I don't like this person for the actions they have chosen to take, I do feel angry and bitter about it and don't want to feel this way.

 

Does anyone had any advice on this?

[Lonewing]

Time, and meditation, and relaxation. Walks are good, as are trips to do things you like to do. Work on yourself, and give yourself time to let these emotions pass.

 

Find the better side of life, and remind yourself that YOUR LIFE is still before you, all of it, and every day you live, you are one step closer to someone better for you than she ever was. There was a time before Her that you were happy, where you had everything figured out; you can do it again!

 

In order to be the man who this maid of shadows wants, you must work hard on rebuilding yourself, so that when that day happens and you cross paths, you are somebody she wants to be with.

[KUDSM]

Thank you lonewing for your response. I know I need to find myself and spend time rebuilding me.....but this seems like a never ending nightmare at the moment.

 

I have recently found out that they re both on Facebook and have posted in their about sections that they are in a relationship with each other and out a date which is at least 3 months later than it actually was. Lies and bare faced brazen cheek! It's as if the situation wasn't hard enough with my daughter but they are now advertising the facts on the web and actually still trying to keep the lies going to protect what they think others will think of them.

 

I have been so tempted to try and get a message on that's its lies with a SMS I found on her phone from him but don't know if I can, am scared of my actions or at least mouthing off too her about her lies.

 

This is tearing me apart and at almost 8 months on I shouldn't be feeling like this. I just don't know how I can ever get past this. She was my world and my everything and its gone while she prances around with someone else and it was all my fault in her eyes

 

I've thought of emigrating and other worse scenarios and just can't get out of this mess

[Lonewing]

You have got to let them go and face up to the reality that she is gone. It does not matter who she is with or why; what was between you and her is over. You must resolve to never check her Facebook again - and you might still do it from time to time, but this obsession MUST stop.

 

You have to start by reminding yourself that she is Not your world, and she is Not your everything.

 

If you need to emigrate, perhaps that is what you have to do.

[Lester]

Your thoughts of escape and suicide are normal for this age you live in. (Mass media relationship lies) From now on... stop buy their crap!

 

My belief in God helped me to move through the bulk of the pain rather quickly.

I gave up asking for this and that and started to pray thank yous instead. (Yes, you have more than you know!)This brought me great peace, which in turn, began to draw my wife back in my direction. (Not just her... everybody!)

 

Let the amazing happen to you... Pray, be happy for what you got. Pray for your wife's happiness. When she talks to you, (she will! She's nowhere near done with you.), be quiet and thoughtful. When she prys, (what's going on with him? He must be seeing someone!! Remember Kudsm, she has tv brain too!), tell her you are happy for her!

 

Watch her world crumble... she will say. "What do you mean by that?" Tell her you are happy she is in love!

This is how honorable men/husbands handle their world.

 

Let God be your new tv.

 

PS, Don't run! Let the pain happen to you!

[waffle]

Yeah, I think I'm going to have to go with this:

You have got to let them go and face up to the reality that she is gone. It does not matter who she is with or why; what was between you and her is over.

 

Most women who file for divorce (and around 75% of all divorces are filed by women), by the time we get to the point where we're ready to file, we're 100% done with the husband and the marriage. We have already mourned the loss of the relationship and are ready to move on. Men, by contrast, often don't start mourning until divorce is filed or many times not until it's all over.

 

KUDSM, if your wife has divorced you and has already moved on by finding someone else, then she is DONE. It is OVER. She is not coming back no matter how many books you read or how coy you try to play it. If you start seeing someone, start seeing someone, but don't do it in some sort of attempt to make her jealous or in hopes that she'll want you back. Trust me, it won't work, and it won't be fair to your new lady friend to be used in this manner. The only thing you can really do at this point is to chalk this up to an experience and a lesson learned, and move forward. And yes, stop checking her Facebook!! It's easy--just stop. Don't do it. Find something else to do instead. After a while, the temptation won't even be there anymore.

[Lonewing]

I'm not religious myself, but this is just about the worst purported use of religion I've read. Using religion to manipulate people ruins everything about it.

 

Even if she was super religious, it won't matter. She's DONE.

 

My ex would have been OVERJOYED if I told her I had found somebody after our breakup - to the level that she would have sent her blessing, a gift card and a fruitcake to celebrate my good fortune.

 

It takes a concerted effort to get over someone, and as long as you say things like "she's still mine," or "she's still my world," that effort is still insincere; the only place you might get is behind a restraining order. Phase her out and close the door on that chapter.

[Notagoodninja]

Hey I do not go to church either and I am def not a Buddist lol but a buddy of mine gave me some reading materials on Buddism (I would never follow it no worries!)

Anyway it DID have some positive stuff though that is helping me!

 

Meditation...every day go find a quiet place...go sit there and meditate on nothing. If thoughts come into your mind observe them for what they are- thoughts- but be alone and at peace with your own self

don't let your mind go into the past

Dont let your mind go into the future

 

Focus on the PRESENT MOMENT at all times- this is really helping me

 

When you wake up tomorrow all boiling mad, just stop yourself. Focus on the present. Do you have to get ready for work? Go take a shower- focus on the hot water does it feel good? Think about your skin. Think about the water on your skin. Does this make sense? Focus intensely on your bowl of fruit loops. Seriously. Just clear your head out of all the crap inside of it that makes you feel bad.

You are a human being- that is incredible! You can walk you can talk you have an amazing BRAIN. Just focus on YOU. Focus on every minute of the day. BUT IN THE PRESENT

 

Also another thing that helps me is to look around and instead of thinking "WHY ME why did she leave me"

Start thinking "WHY NOT me?" because dude, we are ALL on this board because we ALL have cried for days in the closet or huddle up in the shower bawling our eyes out- we all have gone unshaven and unshowered with screwed up hair and no food because we're pining away for our lost love

We ALL have gone looking like zombies we have ALL lost sleep we have ALL lost hair

We have ALL been miserable for weeks, months, days years and a decade!

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US

So what makes you so different? Do you see what I mean?

 

I am focusing on the present, and that also means all of these other friends here who are also suffering and hurting. It does help me A LOT to think about this every day...that EVERYONE in life goes through horrible HORRIBLE pain you are NOT alone!

 

Also another huge huge thing that is helping me is that I realized I am being selfish to wallow in my self pity. I was severely abused 7 years to where the point got to the guy going to jail for trying to kill me. But now I don't cry anymore. I realize....IT COULD BE WORSE! Did some jerk abuse me? yeah he did...did he destroy my life and belongings...yes, yes he did. Did he hurt me crush me shatter me break my heart did he betray me, abandon me, YES he did...........did he try to kill me numerous times...yes he did. Did he punish me and withhold from me and hurt me...yes he did

Did he leave bruises all up and down my entire body, and strangulation marks? Did he make me have to get stitches? Why yes, yes he did

 

BUT guess what..........................................is your child missing- did someone kidnap your child and then brutally kill them?

Did your best friend just die today in a car accident? You know, some people lose their entire family in car accidents. Or your kids go missing. A MILLION THINGS could be worse, and nothing is worse than that kind of pain...and I tell myself....MY PAIN COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE, aren't you grateful really? I am feeling grateful!

When I come accross bad car accidents I feel so bad for everyone, I thank God that isn't me or a loved on.

 

Your pain could be worse...you could suddenly have a heart attack, your liver could fail you, you could right now become paralyzed. You could be diagnosed with some incurable disease where youre vomiting and suffering and crying in pain

 

I hope this post helps you, I know I am a little dramatic but I am trying to get my point accross

 

It's time to let go of the past and embrace a beautiful future because I believe there is an amazing woman out there waiting for you to find her

[KUDSM]

Hi everyone

 

Thanks for the continued support. I'm not sure how clear I have been but I don't want this individual back. I have seen an awful side of this woman I never had previous. She is devious, Calculating and a liar.

 

My head now knows all this but my heart is taking time to catch up. We hae a row over the daughter and I feel bad for saying things when I have been perfectly reasonable but don't like conflict or rowing....then for a couple of days I feel bad, lonely and that my life is over after losing everything I thought I had built up.

 

I'm trying to live in the moment as suggested but I find when I have for time on my hands is the time I wallow and become remorseful.....I don't want to feel like this anyway...I want to move forward and start to build a new life and things in it - but my confidence has been shot and its too easy to isolate yourself!!

 

I know I can't be with anyone else as it wouldn't be fair yet while I repair but there is another part of me which just never sees me with another woman again. I am naturally quite shy and wouldn't know what to say to a woman I don't know - never mind approach one....I also have some issues on the way I look....I think I am being very hard on myself

 

Will keep on trying and looking in and try to help others on their journeys

 

Thank you