Struggling post divorce and want my ex wife back

[Lester]

As a builder your pain will be great and will last longer than a non-builder.

 

You can’t allow yourself to be drawn into augments. It may seem bizarre to you but rowing, arguing and conflict are attention props. Negative attention is attention; she will use any type of attention to support her false beliefs and bad choices.

 

Proper responses:

I’m happy for you.

I wish you only the best.

I understand.

I don’t understand but will think about it overnight.

I have to go.

Etc.

 

Be the nice guy who really does understand. (Maturity) This takes superhuman strength but is doable. (Don’t be afraid to try God. He helped me and nobody has to know but you.)

 

Helpful hint:

- Never again think or speak so harshly of her.

- It’s good you are shy! I can’t think of a better way to keep you away from women. This is a dangerous time for you. Be very careful!

- Think honor and character instead of looks. (What did Winston Churchill look like?)

[AutumnBorn]

Hi everyone

 

....I know I can't be with anyone else as it wouldn't be fair yet while I repair but there is another part of me which just never sees me with another woman again. I am naturally quite shy and wouldn't know what to say to a woman I don't know - never mind approach one....I also have some issues on the way I look....I think I am being very hard on myself....

 

Kudsm, I was just as devastated by my divorce five years ago, just as you are now. My self-esteen was in the gutter. I cried many times a day, had anxiety attacks and, frankly, I looked like hell. I wasn't healing, wasn't moving on, I was just sort of stuck, and what I was doing obviously wasn't working. So, set a new goal for myself: Become the one who got away. I think you should try this, too. It really gave me purpose and drive.

 

Here's my plan:

 

1. Become kind and understanding, a good listener. Be dependable, too.

2. Make a small physical change - do something different with your hair, get some new glasses, grow a perpetual 5:00 shadow or VanDyke (so common now, it's almost a cliche for men over 35, but I like them). It'll register that something's different, but she won't be able to put her finger on it right away.

3. Start on bigger physical changes - work out, eat right, learn how to dress for your body type (and dress a little younger than you otherwise might) since you'll need new clothes in a couple of months anyway, get a great haircut.

4. Take a class - learning something new (cooking, how to speak Italian, painting, photography...there are so many great, inexpensive classes out there). You'll build more confidence.

5. Volunteer in your community for a good cause - you'll meet new, interesting people (maybe your daughter's school?).

6. Join a sports team (even if you're not in great shape) - new buddies.

7. Find a bar or club that hosts trivia and get some co-workers together to do something that's entertaining and fun.

8. Join a meet-up in your area (I did a film meet-up) - more new buddies with similar interests.

9. Affirmations - write out one positive statement about yourself 20x every day for thirty days (they must be current, positive, and short. "I'm attractive" isn't good as it's too general, but "I have a perfect nose" is good. "I will not obsess about my ex" isn't a good affirmation because it has a negative word in it, but "I choose to think positively" is good.)

10. Read Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships and Al Turtle's website (link removed). You'll learn a lot about breaking up and what it takes to have a strong relationship in the future.

 

The good news is, you think you won't find another woman, but chances are you will. And a better one. I didn't think I'd fall in love again, either. But when faced with a gorgeous, intelligent, kind, romantic, successful artist who cooks, I couldn't help myself. (And he thinks he's lucky.)

 

You deserve the happy ending.

 

Oh, and Kudsm, the most important thing I learned along the way was this: We all do the best we can with the tools and knowledge we have. Even our exes. They did the best they could. It simply wasn't enough.

[KUDSM]

Thanks for the replies Lester and Autumnborn.

 

I must admit I am finding it very hard to not speak bad of this woman. I've just found out she took the other bloke on holiday with my daughter - and thought I didn't need to know so she disnt tell me. A bit of maturity and honesty from her would be appreciated but she seems incapable....and this sort of behaviour is merely fuelling my hatred for her - even though I just accept its none of my business and can't change it - my daughter IS my business.

 

Autumn - I won't be able to do a lot with my hair as I'm verging on being bald! Male pattern baldness at below 40.....what a great feature!

 

I like the other advice and will look into it! Some of the things is m around and whilst the situation does ebb and flow - I'm now better than I've been in the whole time 8 months on.

[Jeffbobo]

Autumn - I won't be able to do a lot with my hair as I'm verging on being bald! Male pattern baldness at below 40.....what a great feature!

 

Dont think you have anything to work with? Try shaving your head. Woman that I have dated find it very sexy.

[AutumnBorn]

I dated a guy who shaved his head...and chest. So hot.

[Lonewing]

This business with your daughter is something you will have to get used to - while she is with mom, it's really up to mom what mom says about where they are going or what they are doing and who your daughter is hanging out with. This is perhaps the hardest part in all of this, but it's just how it goes.

 

My dad didn't deal with it very well either, though.

[KUDSM]

Thanks for your message and the advice. It's really, really lovely.

 

There is no happy ending for me. I had the fairy tale and it went sour 10 years later.

 

That's it for me. The light is out and it's never coming on again.

 

I'm a bald, ugly man with sticky out ears. I've lost all my hair over the last 10 years.

 

I'm shy, overweight, have zero confidence and have little sense of humour and people I know already have a poor opinion of me. I've made wrong choices to here.

 

Tonight I leave it all behind.

 

Thanks everyone for their positivity and well wishes.

 

I'm going and never coming back from this absolute nightmare. Everything is lined up. Gin and dozens of pills will end this pain.

 

I wish you all love and happiness. I can't stay on this planet.

 

Goodbye

[Lester]

Stay with us? Of course you can... because you are perfect. Help me help others.

[Lester]

Like I told you in an earlier post… there is no greater pain.

It's a pain, that those who have never experienced, can never understand.

 

You must go through it if want to be truly happy one day. It will strip away all your false beliefs of who you were. Afterwards, you will laugh at your current mirage of yourself.

 

Kudsm, there are millions of women who want a guy just like you; you just aren't there yet! The pain hasn't finished shaping you yet.

 

Food for thought:

A failing marriage has many relatively easy to predict stages to it. Currently you are in the pedestal stage; she's on top and you're under it.

 

This is a self-inflicted stage of mind-haze.

"She's the most beautiful, loving, intelligent, desirable and popular woman in the world; and I'm a lizard."

Trust me when I say Kudsm… She's not and either are you!

 

 

In a year from now, (yep, it takes time), what would you rather have:

A stroll though a cute town on sunny fall day with a distant, self absorbed jerk?

Or the same stroll with someone who truly loves you and you who genuinely love her back?

 

PS, Looks don't matter... the pain is going to mature you into that understanding.

[waffle]

Everything is lined up. Gin and dozens of pills will end this pain.

 

I wish you all love and happiness. I can't stay on this planet.

 

The year after I graduated from high school, a boy in I think eleventh grade killed himself over a girl who broke up with him. All these decades later the girl is married with children, he's still dead. Saw a picture of him on Facebook, with the 1986 basketball team . . . what a waste of a life. All those things he never did, and never will because death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

[KUDSM]

Lester your faith in lther people is truly magnificent!

 

I managed to get myself my on home back in the small town where my daughter is (opposite side) and have now got it into some sort of shape

 

Life feels as though it is becomin more normal and taking shape but i find it gery hard when my daughter talks about the other man. I feel as though i have so much pent up anger and i dont quite know how to get rid if that. I am very concerned what i will do if i bump into them at the shops as i feel as though i will become someone i am not - nasty and violent. I secretly wish terrible pain and hurt on these two people and cant figure out how to release it

 

Im not sure i can ever have another relationship. I have doubts on being able to find anyone as i live a quite solitary lifestyle and am scared of change..... But most of all i dont think i could ever open myself up like this again. I couldnt take the pain i dont think

[Lester]

There's a reason for everything. Just because you don't know the reason yet doesn't mean it's not true.

My guess, you've been dipped into the fiery pit to strip away your false beliefs about yourself, your God and people.

 

 

My fire:

Like you, (but with a lot more kids), my life had become little more than a series of bus stops on a long, lonely trip of drudgery.

 

As prescribed by our times... I took it out on my wife and kids, took them and my life for granted and became mean and materialistic. Even though, deep down, I believed in God; I didn't trust him and knew I must make hyper-amounts of money if I was ever to be happy.

 

She began to leave me, told me she hated me and how my "best friend" recently professed his "love" to her.

I fought back against myself and she stayed. (Sounds easy but at the time I was alone, scared and never before experienced such crippling pain.)

 

 

My Reason: (One of them... there have been thousands since then.)

While only starting to reconcile my life the boss walked in my office and said we are having an emergency meeting… now. I went into the meeting room to find the ever absent/distant owner there. I knew right then this was serious!

 

The yet to be named recession had stripped away the excess cash/profit we had all become accustomed and exposed the underlying weakness's in the business model. (As of this day, 25% of our competitors and 15% of our customers succumbed to the above.)

 

Long story short, the first meeting ended in fear and hopelessness. The next days were no better until the owner asked me why I was so quiet.

 

I answered, because this is a waste of time, "if you want to close the company then close it, if not, then let's save it, but sitting here hoping you'll get the answer to a question only you can answer will go on forever."

 

I have been the CEO since that day forward. The company is thriving and my ex-bosses are now my subordinates.

 

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We live in two worlds Kudsm, one good one evil and they are near us every second of the day. The larger of the two is good but because of its nature it gets little attention from us. The smaller evil is noisy, colorful and fear laden. It easily grabs your/our attention, and if not aware, you can become trapped by its/his lies and shallow solutions.

-----------

 

Kud, Keep avoiding all women and enjoy and pray in your solitude. (Great men are not products of committee.)

 

 

PS, My near divorce is no different than your divorce. It reminds me every minute of the day… only one customer per coffin.

 

PS2, When asked how I knew I could save the company awhile back, I answered; my wife saved your company.

[Lester]

Oops, almost forgot:

You said, "i find it gery hard when my daughter talks about the other man."

- It's going to be hard. Just listen, nod and keep learning.

 

You said, "I secretly wish terrible pain and hurt on these two people and cant figure out how to release it"

- Don't let evil in… do the opposite of all impulses. eg(Smile nice, nod, listen and leave.) Do not offer or hope for any justice.

 

The time is coming when you will understand why you must pray for her.

 

You'll see… Time will fix everything.

[KUDSM]

Oops, almost forgot:

You said, "i find it gery hard when my daughter talks about the other man."

- It's going to be hard. Just listen, nod and keep learning.

 

You said, "I secretly wish terrible pain and hurt on these two people and cant figure out how to release it"

- Don't let evil in… do the opposite of all impulses. eg(Smile nice, nod, listen and leave.) Do not offer or hope for any justice.

 

The time is coming when you will understand why you must pray for her.

 

You'll see… Time will fix everything.

 

Thanks again for your reaponse lester.

 

This is all so weird - but there is no comig back for us as a couple. She has moved on and is in love with someone else. I just wish i could also move on and not have the feelings i have.

 

Perhaps im just too deep

[Lester]

You're no deeper than anyone else.

Very few escape the life-long torment of a failed marriage.

 

The ones who say they quickly did are only talking about their current green-grass band-aids.

Trust me when I say; Their broken reasoning process is still there.

 

So what’s this mean to you?

Her primitive euphoria of “somebody wants me” is going to wear off at the same rate you allow yourself to mature.

When it does, you must be in a new place! Once there, you will see everything that is currently being hidden from you.

 

 

Reminders:

- No matter what, continue to avoid all “available” women!

This includes her too! (Don’t be fooled into thinking she anywhere near done with you!)

 

- This is a very dangerous time for you. You must let time mature you beyond all quick-fix mentalities/solutions.

 

- This is what is best for you and your future family.

 

- Avoid pop culture driven mass-media, especially TV! (These money driven liars will only make you feel worse.)

 

 

PS, You said, "...love with someone else."

- Thats not love.

[Lonewing]

Thanks again for your reaponse lester.

 

This is all so weird - but there is no comig back for us as a couple. She has moved on and is in love with someone else. I just wish i could also move on and not have the feelings i have.

 

Perhaps im just too deep

 

You have a good head on your shoulder and a strong sense of reality. I can tell you this much, I know a very large crowd of people who have been married and remarried multiple times - you CAN get over this and continue onwards with a happy fulfilling life. Perhaps it won't be With Her, but that's OK.

 

Date, live, Love, be happy. You'll be well if you do well. Don't worry about her!

[waffle]

Very few escape the life-long torment of a failed marriage.

 

Wow. Such drama!!

 

There is no payoff in the defeatist' attitude of "I'll never get over it" and no situation is worth a life sentence of depressing internal dialog. I agree with Lonewing; many, many people move on and find happiness after a divorce. And don't worry about the Ex; just because the Ex moved on quicker doesn't mean they did it "wrong" just that they probably had a lot more time to come to terms with things. I know it's a gender generalization but it really is true that women tend to mourn the loss of the marriage before they officially decide to end it (often for years prior), so by the time it's filed they have already done the hard work and made their peace with the decision. Men on the other hand usually start the mourning process when divorce is decided on, or filed, and they therefore have that road ahead of them. Again, there is no one-size-fits-all and neither approach has more validity than the other. You cannot control your Ex and how quickly she moved on, you can only control yourself and how you proceed.

[KUDSM]

Well i am trying to get over this but i am nowhere near there yet. Ths is gettig ridiculous, its almost eleven months now.

 

Sometimes, when im struggling to climb out of this abyss i find myself in.....i just feel as though there is nothing worth carrying on for. Surely this cant be true and there has to be something out there for me.

 

I probably can do more in terms of inventing a new life, getting out there and doing thinngs which are new. The trouble i have is im too shy, too into routine and i dont have the inclincation or the energy. I just feel a washed up failure drifting through life and dont know what to do.

 

Maybe this is all that is in store for me. A life of solitude. I have my daughter to think of i know, but even she cant bring me to look forward to things.

 

Christmas is coming, a time of the year ive historically loved and taken holiday on. Im not bothering this year, cant see the point in any decorations and want to spend it alone. Dot want to get any gifts for anyone and dont want any - other than the daughter when i have her after xmas day.

[Lester]

You said, "I have my daughter to think of i know, but even she cant bring me to look forward to things."

- You're the Father and must force yourself to act like one. Do not dump this on a kid.

 

You said, "Christmas is coming, a time of the year ive historically loved and taken holiday on. Im not bothering this year, cant see the point in any decorations and want to spend it alone.

- Like I've told you many times… you must do the opposite of all impulses. Feeling sorry for yourself is an impulse.

The decorations are easy to do, first step therapy. You can't remake your big picture of your future without the details."

 

You said, "Dot want to get any gifts for anyone and dont want any - other than the daughter when i have her after xmas day."

- More mistakes.

[KUDSM]

You said, "I have my daughter to think of i know, but even she cant bring me to look forward to things."

- You're the Father and must force yourself to act like one. Do not dump this on a kid.

 

You said, "Christmas is coming, a time of the year ive historically loved and taken holiday on. Im not bothering this year, cant see the point in any decorations and want to spend it alone.

- Like I've told you many times… you must do the opposite of all impulses. Feeling sorry for yourself is an impulse.

The decorations are easy to do, first step therapy. You can't remake your big picture of your future without the details."

 

You said, "Dot want to get any gifts for anyone and dont want any - other than the daughter when i have her after xmas day."

- More mistakes.

 

Hi Lester

 

You have probably already realised but I'm in the uk so there is a time lapse between our posts. Thanks once again. I posted in a downtime this morning - when I needed help.

 

When I'm strong - I agree with your comments and try to work through this. When I'm in a moment - I feel as though I wish the world would cave in around me.

 

I've joined a dating site - I think a bit foolishly. I am lonely.....but still feel for my ex wife, even though my family and close friends despise her for what she has done. I would like the company and a boost to my confidence.........but am scared by the thought of small talk to someone I don't know. I also worry of rejection - a double hit to me!

 

I saw my ex during the week at a school function and we sat together for our daughter. When we do this I'm sure we come accross fine.....but I feel awkward. Before and after sitting down I just wonder how we let this get to where we are. But I know she doesn't think the same. The trouble is for over a day I'm in tears, desperate and wanting to ask her back - but I know the answer.

 

I would love to hear from others how they managed to let go, move on, whatever the right term is. Because I really want to.....but I can't. I have loved before.....not like with my ex wife with all I believed was true and our future......but the getting over this is nothing like I've ever known

[flower888]

I am saving this post to read when I feel depressed or having pms. Thank you!