3rd date and I love you

[Aarya]

I am seeing someone new. I had asked him that because I had been hurt before, to please not say things without meanign them for sure. Soon after he promised me he wouldn't, on the third date he said he loved me, around the same time he showed me a picture of the house he bought and mentioned that he hopes I like town x, which is where his house is. He also said he knows I love him and that I don't have to say it. He also said he doesn't want to see other people and would I also be ok comitting to that, without thinking too much about it I said yes. Mind you all this is happening on dates 3-4 (3rd/4th day since I met him!).

 

After repeating the I love you's at one point I noticed he started saying he liked me. Then he said he meant the things he said but he has decided to not say them as much so as to not mess things up. I wanted to clarify wih him what exclusivity meant in terms of being on dating sites (which is where we met) and he was unable to be clear enough on that and I felt the conversation frustrated him a bit.

 

There are all red flags I guess, right? *sigh*

[Edmund Exley]

I would say major red flag. He may be infatuated or even lustful, but love after 3 dates? Doubtful.

 

What's even more bothersome is he has convinced himself that you love him already

[agent1607307371]

Yes, very red. Run away red.

 

He also said he knows I love him and that I don't have to say it.

This is actually incredibly scary. Stalker behaviour (and I am not being light with that word here).

 

Be very careful about this guy. And never go anywhere with him without letting someone know where you're going and who you're with.

[Aarya]

I really doubt he is a stalker. I'm more concerned that he is (possibly unintentionally) playing with my feelings.

[agent1607307371]

None of these things fall into the category "playing with your feelings". Pulling out the L word on a third date is heavy.

[Edmund Exley]

I really doubt he is a stalker. I'm more concerned that he is (possibly unintentionally) playing with my feelings.

 

He may simply be a dive in to deep to quick guy. Either way, its not a good thing. The "I know you love me but just wont say it" after 3rd dates reeks of arrogance too.

[Aarya]

It's hard to give the complete story. We had previously talked about how I was hurt before and therefore was hesitant to let go and feel what I am feeling without being afraid etc. I think that is what he was referring to. Although when we were talking about how soon he said it last night (and how now it felt like he was backing off) he said that I said it too (when I really didn't, well not exactly.)

[Edmund Exley]

It's hard to give the complete story. We had previously talked about how I was hurt before and therefore was hesitant to let go and feel what I am feeling without being afraid etc. I think that is what he was referring to. Although when we were talking about how soon he said it last night (and how now it felt like he was backing off) he said that I said it too (when I really didn't, well not exactly.)

 

Just a thought, I wouldn't delve into details of being hurt before so soon either. It may put some added pressure on people to try to "ensure you" that they aren't out to hurt you.

[Aarya]

Just a thought, I wouldn't delve into details of being hurt before so soon either. It may put some added pressure on people to try to "ensure you" that they aren't out to hurt you.

 

yes, probably a good idea. he asked about past relationships, and i am usually more open that i should be

[bulletproof]

Do you mean that you had 3 dates in 4 days?

 

If so, that's a lot of time to spend with someone you just met.

 

It takes a long time to develop legitimate and deep feelings for someone else. You almost sound like you hope it's true that he loves you.

 

Dating is supposed to be fun, not full of stories about past hurt, and proclamations of love. Maybe think about lightening up with the next guy?

[Edmund Exley]

yes, probably a good idea. he asked about past relationships, and i am usually more open that i should be

 

I know that it sucks to get hurt. We all have been there, but holding on to it and warning the next person really does you no good. Unfortunately, part of the whole dating process is being vulnerable to trusting someone else with your feelings. Telling them "Go slow, I've been hurt" in no way ensures that you wont be hurt again. Almost everyone has been hurt by another at some point.

[jlewand]

He is likely preoccupied/anxious attachment style.

[savignon]

I would be hugely turned off by that kind of proclamation so soon and additionaly if anyone told me how *I* felt. Coming on waaay too strong for someone you've just met.

I put up the red flags as well....proceed with caution.

[happyfrank]

He has serial monogamist written all over him. He spends little time getting to know somebody and jumps into relationships right away..

[Aarya]

I sent him the following email:

 

x,

 

I would not feel comfortable if I didn't clarify where I stand on this issue you brought up on exclusivity (there are so many different reasons why I feel the need to! - but that would be another email). At this point considering multiple angles (and not just my ideal 'wants') I have to admit that I can only consider sexual exclusivity with you. I would in fact dare to ask for it in return, and at a minimum would like to know if/when you are sexual with anyone else. If the latter is not acceptable to you that would in fact be a deal-breaker for me so please do let me know, clearly, where you stand on that.

 

This does not contradict all that ideally I would want to be completely exclusive with someone, possibly even you. But that takes trust, understanding, openness and being able to communicate without getting frustrated. I was disappointed a bit to observe we aren't there, yet.

 

I also don't appreciate being accused of being indirect or vague when I am/was neither. I think you were so focused on the thought of me leaning one way or another on the issue you had in mind that you missed the real content of what I was trying to say/ask.

 

Final note; As I already implied I can't help but express that I believe it's quite a bit delirious to ask someone if they are willing to be exclusive and yet get frustrated, defensive and just very difficult to talk to when asked to define what the concept means to you.

 

Love

y

 

Sent from my iPhone

[savignon]

I'm a little confused....did you say you've been on 3/4 dates in a week's time? How did you meet? Were you friends prior? I think these are super serious conversations and frustrations to be having after a week/3 dates. But before presuming that's the case, I wanted to clarify.

Could you offer more details?

[Edmund Exley]

I'm a little confused....did you say you've been on 3/4 dates in a week's time? How did you meet? Were you friends prior? I think these are super serious conversations and frustrations to be having after a week/3 dates. But before presuming that's the case, I wanted to clarify.

Could you offer more details?

 

Yep, I agree. You're email comes off as if you two are making a legal commitment to form a business. This stuff should come of its own fruition through the dating process.

[Aarya]

I'm at work so I can't write long. But basically we met Monday and have met up and had long conversations and spent many hours together 7 days out of the 8 since we met.

[tattoobunnie]

Solution - ask him what he loves about you. Que the sound of chirping crickets.

 

You don't really know what it's like to be with eachother in times of strain, great joy, relaxation, vacation, work struggles and success, family death, having family, great good and awful food, allergy season, pets, meeting friends, family.

 

You came off as a weak duckling that needs to hear bold statements. Easy way for a person to manipulate you.

[sara-pezzini]

so you guys only know each other for a week? impossible to love someone after three dates and one week, so MAJOR red flag...this is the stuff you hear on tv, where the experst warn about stalker behavior, or abusers, or whatever, if they proclaim love that soon is it a major, major red flag! i would tell him to seriously back off on the declarations of love and in the meantime be very, very careful around this guy because you know next to nothing about him

[IAmFCA]

Too hard too soon. Time to roll.

 

Intoxicating, probably, but... if you stay, use it as a time to identify why and what does that mean etc.

 

Ugh. Why is dating so complicated!!

[Aarya]

I've developed feelings for him. I am confused.

Maybe I am judging him, being unfair to him based on my past experiences that have nothing to do with him. It's so hard to be objective.

[SpottiOtti]

That email just engaged him further in the Too Much, Too Soon mindset. You're moving too fast, OP! Slow down!

 

I know it's tempting to fall into fast intimacy with someone, and I know how it is to feel as though someone is meant for you, and tell yourself it's okay to move this fast. I get it - I've been there. I've since learned that the reason I wanted such fast, logic-defying intimacy with someone is that I was trying and trying to fill a hole inside myself. Is that the case with you too? This is an opportunity for you to explore yourself; don't miss it by losing yourself in a shadow relationship that isn't real or of substance.

[IAmFCA]

That email just engaged him further in the Too Much, Too Soon mindset. You're moving too fast, OP! Slow down!

 

I know it's tempting to fall into fast intimacy with someone, and I know how it is to feel as though someone is meant for you, and tell yourself it's okay to move this fast. I get it - I've been there. I've since learned that the reason I wanted such fast, logic-defying intimacy with someone is that I was trying and trying to fill a hole inside myself. Is that the case with you too? This is an opportunity for you to explore yourself; don't miss it by losing yourself in a shadow relationship that isn't real or of substance.

 

 

yes yes yes 1000x yes. this was me even when I was in denial about it, this was me when I married, this was me when I fell for the man that ENAers most often read about. I think I fixed it, finally, but I know it will come up again.

 

there is no substitute for actually, truly, getting to know someone. and I am applying it now. it turns everything I have ever done on its head. I like it. it's different, and frankly, I am having less (=no) sex. which is a bummer, as my relationships were fabulous in this area, and now i am trying to pick who I want to be with, and not let him pick me.

 

the quality of man has increased significantly. and there are fewer of them. and that makes sense.

 

how can we love anyone really on? we can't. but the chemicals the body produces at the infatuation stage are the same as those produced when in love, so it is legitimately confusing. your body is screaming LOVE when that's just not possible yet. he is confused.

 

using phone. hope it's legible.

[SpottiOtti]

there is no substitute for actually, truly, getting to know someone. and I am applying it now. it turns everything I have ever done on its head. I like it. it's different, and frankly, I am having less (=no) sex. which is a bummer, as my relationships were fabulous in this area, and now i am trying to pick who I want to be with, and not let him pick me. the quality of man has increased significantly. and there are fewer of them. and that makes sense.

 

how can we love anyone really on? we can't. but the chemicals the body produces at the infatuation stage are the same as those produced when in love, so it is legitimately confusing. your body is screaming LOVE when that's just not possible yet.

 

This is great info, OP, and you should listen to it.

 

Also, another thing I thought of - another reason I wanted to fall for someone so soon, and to believe all the kind things he said to me that he had absolutely no basis for, was because it felt good to hear those sweet words - it was balm for my poor self-esteem. True of you, OP?