Aarya Posted July 9, 2013 Author Share Posted July 9, 2013 I don't know. I am just too confused. Woudl someone say things like that just to manipulate someone? He doesn't seem to be that kind of person. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I don't know his motivations, and it doesn't really matter because we are talking to you. what are your motivations? he may sincerely believe he loves you. his body may be producing " love" chemicals. he may be as sincere and well intended as ever. no matter. it isn't love, you know that. it can't be. he hasn't had a chance to experience trials and challenges with you, to gain respect for you, to question you, to accept your limitations. nor you of him. the question that matters is: is this where you want to invest your emotional energy? what red flags do you see and how are you addressing them? are you in denial about his reliability, his potential impact on you over the long haul, given his (apparent lack of) emotional awareness now? he may be wonderful AND co-dependent, lonely, insecure or whatever. We all are a mixed bag. none of us loves someone immediately. we just think we do. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I don't know his motivations, and it doesn't really matter because we are talking to you. what are your motivations? he may sincerely believe he loves you. his body may be producing " love" chemicals. he may be as sincere and well intended as ever. no matter. it isn't love, you know that. it can't be. he hasn't had a chance to experience trials and challenges with you, to gain respect for you, to question you, to accept your limitations. nor you of him. the question that matters is: is this where you want to invest your emotional energy? what red flags do you see and how are you addressing them? are you in denial about his reliability, his potential impact on you over the long haul, given his (apparent lack of) emotional awareness now? he may be wonderful AND co-dependent, lonely, insecure or whatever. We all are a mixed bag. none of us loves someone immediately. we just think we do. And YES this can be and often is a manipulative move. maybe subconsciously, but yes, it is. by telling you, he is making you responsible for the knowledge. he could have kept it to himself for a while. I know someone like this, who thought new fell in love with me,. after 3 months of very intense therapy, he is seeing how manipulative he was. before then, he was feeling like he gave and gave and have, now he sees himself as taking, which us very true. be clear headed. you will need it. Link to comment
quirky Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 He is not saying anything to consciously manipulate you. I can't believe we're talking about LOVE after a week, this is insane ! ! The problem here is you're both insecure and possibly co-dependent. Your email seemed unclear and complicated. Either you will go with it 100% for as long as it lasts and keep it dysfuntional as it is or YOU are gonna set some boundaries and try and keep some balance. That means, not seeing each other more than 3 times a week, going on dates (not each other's homes) and revealing things a little at a time. NOONE saves us in this life, he cannot guarantee you anything and neither can you for him, at any time one of you can drift. I actrually completely understand how you feel, most my relationships were co-dependent and this is why I am being direct to you, because very likely you can't see what's happening. I used to think it was love, me and him against the world and all that jazz but actually it was messed up love, fear and weakness. I wish I had a good camera to record the melodrama, I would have made some good money on it. Link to comment
rocko123 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I learned to love bourbon after spending a week in Bourbon country. I've heard that some people love crack after 5 minutes. Both relationships are problematic at times. Coming to love a person is a complex, involved process. If rushed, it can create huge problems. You need to pump the breaks and take a hard look at what is motivating these statements and actions on either side. He's proclaiming love, you're opening the door for a strictly sexual relationship with him; red flags abound. But man do I love bourbon. We are very happy together. Link to comment
j.man Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I mean, if you don't really wanna consider what people are telling you, don't. We could reason with you that this kind of situation is terrible 99.99999999999% of the time, but if you're sold that this could be the 0.0000000001% scenario, go for gold. If I thought the guy sounded like someone who could be abusive, I might be a little more adamant about trying to talk you out of a mistake. But everyone's gotta make them. My advice would be for you to be prepared and do your best to maintain your self-respect. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 He doesn't seem to be that kind of person. That's the point. You haven't known him long enough to have any idea of the kind of person he is. Link to comment
savignon Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 That's the point. You haven't known him long enough to have any idea of the kind of person he is. Exactly. And I agree that your email was just as confusing as his thoughts that went back and forth.....you said you'd be 'sexually exclusive' but nothing else (what does that mean? what does exclusivity mean to each of you?) Since you seem to be just as into wrapping up some sort of agreement in such a short ammount of time, I would imagine that you have similar insecurities/trust issues/etc. Its not for anyone to say it doesn't stand a chance...how would we know? But there are most certainly red flags on both your parts (if I were *his* friend and saw that email I'd have the same reaction as him telling you he loves you in less than a week/date 3) Proceed with caution as you explore your feelings for each other and keep us updated. Best wishes. Sav Link to comment
Aarya Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 So there. I'm bat crazy. It's official: x, I was so selfish and so determined to protect and guard myself that I failed to think how it would affect you or us. I apologize for not being truthful about my feelings but I was surprised by them and trying to deal with them. I want you to know no matter what that in no way did I (or do I) want to sleep around or even meet anyone to date etc. I've decided to just put my heart out there completely and see what happens. I know you cant (and shouldn't) offer any guarantees on anything and I trust your good intentions and that you would not hurt me on purpose. I've decided that's enough for me. And you are SO worth it ,I know that. I was stupid for risking losing you, even if it was to protect myself I understand now there was no real threat to begin with. Our minds play tricks on us, sometimes based on past experiences. I get so intense (in a good way!) when I fall in love. I feel that with you. I am so excited about it because for me it will be the first time it's reciprocal. You said you don't know about me/don't understand me. Ask me anything and I will be completely open. I promise to be completely open. My email was also manipulative. I didn't realize that as I wrote it. It's something I've inherited from the family and I will do everything in my power to let it go. I can explain more about this only if you are curious to know. In short I don't even want to argue or even discuss boundaries of exclusivity or anything related. I just want to give it 100% and try to build something with you. I want that SO much. That journal has very private thoughts I was feeling in very raw form. I would have never imagined under any circumstances letting you read them. Once It hit me how painful the thought of losing you was I understood that I would do anything, risk anything to make it work with you. I am crazy about you. I want you, I do love you. The other email did not depict my feelings for you, just my fears. I can see however that you've done nothing that shows reason to doubt you. I promise you won't be treated like a criminal as in one of your prior relationships you mentioned. I promise I am not like that. Please allow me to this time share the intensity of what I feel for you instead of hiding it from you. People make mistakes, I did and I'm sorry. Please trust that what you understood from that email is not who I am, is not what I feel for you, is not what I want. Love, Your y For as ling as you will have her, if at all PS do you really think my heart beats like that for everyone? Pps I love you! Link to comment
quirky Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 What the hell..lol..this is getting crazier by the minute, I love it ! I really hope it works out for you, really do, let us know how it goes Link to comment
Aarya Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 Feelings are crazy and our minds play tricks on us sometimes. Thanks quirky for the support... Link to comment
quirky Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I wasn't being sarcastic I really do hope it works out for you. It does have shaky foundations. I know how confusing it can be, some of us here being older we can see the patterns from our own past mistakes. But you are still young and I get it, you wanna dive in there. I just hope you don't get too hurt ! Link to comment
Aarya Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 I didn't think you were being sarcastic. My thanks was also sincere! Link to comment
Aarya Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 He just messaged me saying he has read my email and will think things through, that he worked till 2:30 AM and is tired etc. Link to comment
savignon Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 This was from you to him or him to you? I hope it works out as well....good luck! Link to comment
Aarya Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 That was from me to him. I realized he might think from that email that I wanted only a sexual relationship or something. That's not true! Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 i hope it works out but i think that mail was wayyyyy too intense for knowing him only for a week....you now tell him you love him too, and i still stick by my point it is impossible to LOVE someone after only a week.....if i were to receive a mail like this a week in i would run like hell, sorry, but i think it is way too much.....i hope it all works out but i have a weird feeling seeing as how he responded...needing to think and all.....you can like someone in a week, get butterflies, start to maybe fall in love/like but you simply cannot love someone you only know for a week and never seen in bad circumstances, ilness, bad work day, stressed, cranky, and whatnot....he knows next to nothing about you and you know next to nothing about him, cannot love each other, you don't know how he is to collegaues, in bad situations, to his family, under stress etc, etc... and if someone told me they loved me after 3 dates and one week i would think he was crazy.... Link to comment
Aarya Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 Apparently his feelings have changed, go figure. He broke up with me via email(s). Splendid! Link to comment
savignon Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Apparently his feelings have changed, go figure. He broke up with me via email(s). Splendid! I'm sorry to hear that. Its really a bad sign and huge red flag for someone to come on that strongly.....now you know (that's how a lot of us learned, too) So, chin up and keep moving forward as a wiser woman! *hugs* Link to comment
Aarya Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 Thanks. I guess you gotta learn the hard way. Link to comment
Aarya Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 The other problem ehre is I think my feelings escalated with things he said/did. That's probably not how it should be, right? I got more attached / interested than I normally would be based on how interested he was in me. Does that mean he was feeding into my low self esteem? Another problem is I still have desire that he will change his mind Link to comment
rocko123 Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 The other problem ehre is I think my feelings escalated with things he said/did. That's probably not how it should be, right? I got more attached / interested than I normally would be based on how interested he was in me. Does that mean he was feeding into my low self esteem? Another problem is I still have desire that he will change his mind In my unprofessional opinion, these sorts of things always lead back to whether you are able to be alone or not. Being alone means that you love yourself enough to take or leave a budding relationship because you have you to fall back on. If you were being too influenced by his clearly premature statements and actions, its a sign that you had invested a bit too much into your perceived outcome of the relationship. In these situations, I've always taken a step back and asked the question: What am I not doing for me that I should be? Link to comment
Aarya Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 I hate this state. It's so hard lettign go of the good feeligns, of all the hopes and wants. Link to comment
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