Do you think this lie warrants the end of things?

[dark angel9]

I have been friends with this guy for a year or so. We started flirting on and off few months ago. We went out couple of times but are not officially dating yet.

 

At the same time, there is a girl in the same circle of friends that used to be my friend but to cut long story short, she gossiped some pretty nasty things behind my back and I had a big fight and stopped talking to her.

 

The guy from the first sentence who also knows her, consoled me and talked badly about that girl. Agreeing with me and even initiating bad mouthing her. I knew they used to talk before and that she liked him but apparently he didn't feel the same way and even called her "crazy stalker" to me.

 

I forgot about her, he never mentions her anymore. The other day I asked him if he still talks to her. At first he changed the topic (which was suspicious) so I asked again. He said, nah not in ages. I let it go.

 

Today, I ran into another another person that knows them and said how he saw them getting coffee the other day (the guy I am starting to date and that girl). I asked him if they are together and he said that they are just friends and weren't looking like a couple. OK.

 

So "my" guy blatantly lied to me. Not only that, but he is getting coffee with someone he called crazy stalker behind her back? I don't even care if they are hooking up or not. It's that he lied about talking to her AND who is to say that he isn't calling me crazy stalker behind my back too?

 

I am I over reacting? At this point, I just want to pull away with not much explanation. There is no point since he is not to be trusted. Whatever he says is irrelevant.

[mhowe]

Yes, you are over reacting. One -- this guy is a friend -- who you are not dating.

Two, he knew this girl before you de-friended her.

 

I am not defending his lie --- but I am sure if he told you the truth, you would have blown up at him. So, he lied,

 

He isn't "your" guy -- and because you dislike someone does not mean he has to cut them out of his life.

 

I would say, however, that you even questioning him @ who he is talking to ==== doesn't bode well for this relationship.

[Kendahke]

Yes, you are over reacting. One -- this guy is a friend -- who you are not dating.

Two, he knew this girl before you de-friended her.

 

I am not defending his lie --- but I am sure if he told you the truth, you would have blown up at him. So, he lied,

 

He isn't "your" guy -- and because you dislike someone does not mean he has to cut them out of his life.

 

I would say, however, that you even questioning him @ who he is talking to ==== doesn't bode well for this relationship.

 

^^^this

 

 

 

I think your best bet is to stop seeing him and keep him as a friend. You can't handle his friendships with girls you don't like and you're accusing him of breaching your confidence with nothing to prove that allegation.

[dark angel9]

There is something to prove. He said he hasn't talked to her in ages when in reality he had coffee with her the day before. He lied.

 

I only called him 'my' guy for the ease of reading...not because I think he is mine.

 

Also, things with us went quite a lot beyond friendship. We are not going out on dates because he is away for work in another state for the next month. We talk for hours every day and he confessed his feelings for me. He even told me that he is falling in love with me and even that he senses I am 'the one".

 

I am not mad that he is talking to her, just that he has lied. I have dated some men that were bad for me. I don't want to date a liar or someone that is going to lie about who knows what else.

[mhowe]

So --- don't date him. Pretty easy solution.

He lied. If that is a deal breaker, then that is a deal breaker.

 

However, you KNOW that he lied because you would have had a fit if he told you the truth.

 

And again, I say, you are not a "couple" officially. He can speak with whomever he chooses.

[Kendahke]

No declaration has been made that you and he are exclusive, otherwise, you'd have said that instead of:

 

 

at most, he's "your friend". He's a guy who's been a friend for about a year that you recently started flirting with but are not officially dating.

 

If you don't want to date a liar, then make a decision to stop seeing him and stick to it.

[rocko123]

Sounds like a whole bag of drama. Is that how you want to start a potential romantic relationship?

[Sparklesong]

I suspect he just said he hadn't talked to her in ages to avoid what was probably going to be a big confrontation. Not that it makes it right, but some people just hate confrontation and will lie or agree to anything to avoid it.

 

But instead of reacting and making it into a big deal, just don't take his words at face value, know that anything you say could be repeated, correctly or incorrectly, to someone else, and don't think of him as dating or potential boyfriend material. He's just another guy to you, nothing more. Since you weren't officially dating, there really aren't "things" that this warrants the end of.

[lifesatrip]

Since you guys aren't dating the lie is not the biggest deal, however I would steer clear of him. The fact that he trash talked this girl that he is friends with doesn't say anything good about his character or maturity level. It's hard to see how he would be good for you.

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, I would say it's a red flag. Although you two aren't dating if it were all innocent enough he would have or should have felt free enough to say something to you like, "Well, I confess she apologized and now I feel bad for badmouthing her. Blah-blah-blah." True he may have wanted to avoid drama, but that just makes him weak and a little bit cowardly for not having the nerve to stand up to you. What weirds me out worse though is his eagerness to badmouth her in the first place and call her a crazy stalker. Pretty harsh words for someone you later show a smiling face to and have coffee with. Ask yourself this, "Would I like it if someone were calling me a crazy stalker behind my back then saying, 'Oh hey, let's go get coffee and catch up." That's the actions of a frenemy and it says something sort of sketchy about the man's character to begin with.

 

You're right to think something is off and it's time to put this all on hold before it even begins. He sounds like the kind of guy who says whatever he thinks a person wants to hear and that usually leads to some sort of manipulation and/or other problems down the line. If you can't trust him before you've even dated him then it sure as heck won't get any better afterwards.

[shakethehobbit]

Yes its a red flag. This guy voluntarily called her a "crazy stalker" (you didn't force him to badmouth her that extremely) and then hangs out with her and lies to you about it. That makes no sense. I find guys that bash women that badly do tend to be liars.

 

Men will often say (this is towards the other male responders here) that women overreact and that's why they lie. Women don't overreact all the time. Men just feel their inappropriate behavior is ok. Fact: you did not force this guy to say such extreme things about this woman. He did not have to console you about her at all (most of my guy friends don't do this sort of thing anyway). He did not have to lie either.

 

Most of the men responding here would flip if a girl they were dating did the same thing so I cant take their responses seriously.

 

I once dated a guy who called his ex psycho, crazy, every bad name in the book. I told him I didn't care if he was friendly with his exes too (I am with some of mine). He still called her that. He flirted with her behind my back and even asked her out on a date several times while we were dating while calling her a psycho at the same time. He was a habitual liar too. Not just with my ex, Ive met other men who do the same thing to the point where I distrust most guys who say their ex is crazy because usually they aren't and it is something wrong with them. Id be wary

[Silvergalaxy]

I wouldn't like it. He's absolutely free to hang out with whoever he chooses to but there was no need to lie at this point and I would see it as a red flag along with the bad mouthing as others pointed out.

[Ms Darcy]

I find it odd he would immediately jump to bad mouth her, see her, then lie to you. It makes me feel like he likes to sweet talk a lot of ladies. I mean you are not dating but he is saying you may be the one?

 

MY gut would be ready to run.

[dark angel9]

I find it odd he would immediately jump to bad mouth her, see her, then lie to you. It makes me feel like he likes to sweet talk a lot of ladies. I mean you are not dating but he is saying you may be the one?

 

MY gut would be ready to run.

 

MsDarcy, yes he is very much the sweet talker type. He piles it on thick.

 

To others: we first got close because he voluntarily came up to me to bad mouth that girl. He even went as far as if to say repeatedly how she is crazy a won't stop contacting him. He called her ever name in the book, stalker, nutcase and so on. He also said how he is going to just ignore her and hopefully she will forget about him and stop stalking him. And now he is having coffees with her, after all that? She probably has no idea and he is sweet talking her.

 

I feel stupid to even entertain him as a prospect. I have made the decision to cut him off and not confront him to avoid drama. There is nothing to confront; I already know all I need to know about his character.

[dark angel9]

I am so disappointed that I fell for his sweet talk

 

He totally played me.

[lavenderdove]

>> but he is getting coffee with someone he called crazy stalker

 

I have found that men who prefer to date a lot of women at once will usually have to lie to do it, and they will frequetly play the 'she's a crazy stalker, don't listen to her' game becasue they want to keep you away from the other women because they don't want you to compare stories. It also is a 'pre-emptive' lie in that if you should realize he is seeing someone else and it gets back to you that they are dating while he's dating you, they will say, 'don't listen to that, i don't like her, she's just a crazy stalker chasing me...'

 

so people DO sometimes have stalkers, but if they lead with that and they are telling you the person is crazy while you are hearing thru other channels that they are hanging out, odds are good that he's lying and juggling women and trying to keep them apart and 'crazy stalker' is just a manipulation to try to get you to ignore the fact that she's buzzing around him so much and they might be dating or FWB.