If someone tells you they have never kissed....

[jonny15]

I'm not going to go back and read through all 5 pages so if this is redundant, I apologize.

 

I know people have said this already but you HAVE to stop bringing up your lack of experience at bars and w/ women you don't know well. 1. It's totally a buzzkill. 2. If a 32 yr-old woman told me that she had no experience, and it wasn't because of religious/moral beliefs, I may run for the hills in fear of a stage-5 clinger. I would be afraid that if I were girl's "first" anything she may get super attached and it would be drama city.

 

Ok but if people are scared older virgins are gonna be clingy, then how do they get rid of it?

[Slimpee]

Ok but if people are scared older virgins are gonna be clingy, then how do they get rid of it?

 

Don't tell someone about your lack of experience until the two of you have gotten to know each other.

[penelope13]

My problem is actually getting a date. Then a kiss. Then losing my virginity. I'd rather admit not getting a kiss and losing my virginity than having a difficult time getting a single date.

 

So are you using this as a kind of defense mechanism that when you feel there is no interest you can blame it on "she rejected me because I'm a v"??

 

You are just sabotaging yourself. I really don't see the need at all to talk to someone about your level of experience unless you are about to get involved with them. You are also potentially cutting yourself off from dates with her friends (in case she is not personally interested, but might want to introduce you to one of her friends) by volunteering this kind of information at inopportune moments.

 

As many have already said on your threads, it's not necessarily the lack of experience that might deter someone to increase their interaction with you, but what emotional and mental effect this had on you. By you throwing out this information totally out of context seems to indicate (and rightly so based on your multiple threads about this subject) that it has left you insecure and that you place an importance to it higher than it really merits.

[Dougie_D]

Well, I think you are right...because of how I constantly get rejected. For someone who is constantly rejected I look for a reason. People have said it's NOT because of my LOOKS and I've always said it was. So to make me feel better about my rejection, I explain to a girl that I'm a virgin or never have been kissed. In my head, I'm convincing myself that's the reason and not because I'm ugly to her. No one wants to know that they were rejected because of their looks. Deep down in my heart, I might know that's the reason but saying it in the public is hurtful as well. Being a virgin is the only excuse I have for girls to not be attracted to me.

[jonny15]

Don't tell someone about your lack of experience until the two of you have gotten to know each other.

 

I think it's best not to tell until your about to have sex

 

That is of course if it isn't picked up on by the bad kissing.

[Dougie_D]

I think it's best not to tell until your about to have sex

 

That is of course if it isn't picked up on by the bad kissing.

 

Well, since I've never french kissed before and wouldn't know how to do things (if there are certain ways to do it) I'm sure she would figure something might be strange.

[Klokwurk]

Well, since I've never french kissed before and wouldn't know how to do things (if there are certain ways to do it) I'm sure she would figure something might be strange.

 

No, God, stop assuming things, it's really annoying.

[memento]

I've read many of your posts for the last 2 years Dougie_D and while most people do change in that time-frame, you have not. Instead of worry about a kiss or having sex, you should worry about getting your head straight first. I think your focus should be on professional help instead of getting a tongue kiss. You will get your kiss and you will have sex when the time comes but it's not as important as going to therapy and getting your own life straight. At this point, you will only bring a girl down with you, is that what you want?

[Dougie_D]

I've read many of your posts for the last 2 years Dougie_D and while most people do change in that time-frame, you have not. Instead of worry about a kiss or having sex, you should worry about getting your head straight first. I think your focus should be on professional help instead of getting a tongue kiss. You will get your kiss and you will have sex when the time comes but it's not as important as going to therapy and getting your own life straight. At this point, you will only bring a girl down with you, is that what you want?

 

Therapy is a waste of time for me. It has never solved anything but small talk. I've gone to a few therapists since I've been in LA. Paying 70 -100 dollars for a 1 hour session just to talk about your "feelings" doesn't get me anywhere.

 

My problem comes from a social environment. How people perceive me in a social setting. I can discuss my feelings about how the situation is in my head, but they can say I'm wrong. How do they know? Were they THERE at the time I was having these feelings? NO. That's the problem.

 

I need a "field" therapist. Someone that takes notes on how I interact or what exactly is happening. I need a life coach that actually comes out and examines a situation and then tells me what I'm doing wrong/right.

[Klokwurk]

Therapy is a waste of time for me. It has never solved anything but small talk. I've gone to a few therapists since I've been in LA. Paying 70 -100 dollars for a 1 hour session just to talk about your "feelings" doesn't get me anywhere.

 

My problem comes from a social environment. How people perceive me in a social setting. I can discuss my feelings about how the situation is in my head, but they can say I'm wrong. How do they know? Were they THERE at the time I was having these feelings? NO. That's the problem.

 

I need a "field" therapist. Someone that takes notes on how I interact or what exactly is happening. I need a life coach that actually comes out and examines a situation and then tells me what I'm doing wrong/right.

 

You need someone huh?

 

OK, well, go get one. Use a friend of yours or something.

[Dougie_D]

They tell me that it's because girls are unattractive to me and I'm socially awkward. They don't know how to help me. They just say, keep being yourself and it will pan out.

[memento]

Could be your hair cut and wardrobe. Maybe try to work out and lose some weight. You seem like you want the world to conform to you.

[annie24]

I think a lot of it just has to do with self confidence. The problem is that it's kind of circular - you keep getting rejected, so you don't feel confident in yourself. and you don't feel confident in yourself because you get rejected. Confidence is a very attractive trait - and it's something that the "players" have in spades. I know guys who will tell you they are the hottest thing around, and they are 4'11". And somehow they get women! there you go.

 

have you tried online dating, and then doing a "reverse match" (ie, looking for girls who are looking for a man like you?)

[Slimpee]

Therapy is a waste of time for me. It has never solved anything but small talk. I've gone to a few therapists since I've been in LA. Paying 70 -100 dollars for a 1 hour session just to talk about your "feelings" doesn't get me anywhere.

 

My problem comes from a social environment. How people perceive me in a social setting. I can discuss my feelings about how the situation is in my head, but they can say I'm wrong. How do they know? Were they THERE at the time I was having these feelings? NO. That's the problem.

 

I need a "field" therapist. Someone that takes notes on how I interact or what exactly is happening. I need a life coach that actually comes out and examines a situation and then tells me what I'm doing wrong/right.

 

This advice has been many times before and each time you've given the same reasons why therapy won't work. Here's where I think you may be wrong, however: You say that talking about "feelings" doesn't do you any good and that you just need someone to watch you in social settings and help you out. The problem might be, however, is that the "feelings" you speak of, be them deep-seated insecurities, lack of social awareness, whatever, may be the root of your perceived lack of social skills.

 

Lets say that you have little confidence in yourself. You go out and tell yourself you're going to be relaxed, fun, "playful", etc. You think about it and try hard to be a certain person because you don't like who you are deep down. This insecurity, however, will manifest itself in your behaviors. Perhaps that's why your friends say you act awkward or whatever...you're trying to be someone you think you need to be.

 

What therapy should do, in theory, is help you resolve those deep-seated issues so that the behaviors that were previously based on those issues are more easily dealt with.

 

Think of it like have a shotgun wound. What it seems like you want to do is simply stop the bleeding by putting a bunch of bandages over it. Yes, it may not be bleeding openly but not only are you not helping the wound to heal, you're likely hurting yourself worse. Therapy should be like going in and stitching everything so that the wound heels. That's the only way it'll get better.

[penelope13]

Well, I think you are right...because of how I constantly get rejected. For someone who is constantly rejected I look for a reason. People have said it's NOT because of my LOOKS and I've always said it was. So to make me feel better about my rejection, I explain to a girl that I'm a virgin or never have been kissed. In my head, I'm convincing myself that's the reason and not because I'm ugly to her. No one wants to know that they were rejected because of their looks. Deep down in my heart, I might know that's the reason but saying it in the public is hurtful as well. Being a virgin is the only excuse I have for girls to not be attracted to me.

 

There are so many reasons one can get rejected for that have NOTHING to do with either looks or level of experience. It's just part of how it works.

 

One of the things that makes someone a successful dater is not how many dates he or she can land, but how quickly they can move on from being rejected or something not working out. Instead of taking a rejection from a particular individual as a supposed indication to predict how the rest of humanity may perceive you, why not take it as 'great, one person I can eliminate as unsuitable and thus more time/energy on focusing on finding the right person'.

[Dougie_D]

The funny thing is, I don't think my social awkwardness is some emotional fact. I think it's more of a physical thing than a mind thing that I can control. For example: Someone with a lazy eye can't control or EVEN KNOW when their eye is looking at a different angle. Some people feel uncomfortable with someone like that.

 

I think I have some sort of things that are somewhat "lazy eye" material. Maybe I blink more than normal? Maybe I talk funny? Maybe I twitch on not know it? Those sort of things.

[Dougie_D]

Dougie_D, i think you need to get a hobby instead of following bands out. You mind isn't right to date. I can only speak for myself, but you do seem a little creepy.

 

What does "following bands out" mean?

 

Is playing guitar not a hobby?

 

How am I creepy?

[memento]

You are giving them too much information about yourself(living situation, experiences with women, your lack of success in the professional world). Plus, from past threads I remember you had real high standards for women. Your also coming on way to strong. They probably afraid of you.

 

Really? the guitar. You should spend more time with your hobbies. Don't worry about women right now.

[Dougie_D]

You are giving them too much information about yourself(living situation, experiences with women, your lack of success in the professional world). Plus, from past threads I remember you had real high standards for women. Your also coming on way to strong. They probably afraid of you.

 

Really? the guitar. You should spend more time with your hobbies. Don't worry about women right now.

 

So writing songs can't be a hobby for myself? So confused....

[memento]

So writing songs can't be a hobby for myself? So confused....

 

I didn't know that. That's good Dougie_D. I just think you should focus on your own health and wellness before you worry about dating girls. I'm sorry for calling you creepy.

[abitbroken]

So writing songs can't be a hobby for myself? So confused....

 

yes, that's a hobby, but it is not a hobby that is a social hobby unless you are involved in a song writing group. Would you be willing to try something different, like taking a cooking class, joining up with a group that goes hiking and does the annual bird count? A group that likes to get together to watch foreign films and then have a meal? A group that works on habitat humanity houses? What do you like to do that's social?

 

The funny thing is, I don't think my social awkwardness is some emotional fact. I think it's more of a physical thing than a mind thing that I can control. For example: Someone with a lazy eye can't control or EVEN KNOW when their eye is looking at a different angle. Some people feel uncomfortable with someone like that.

 

I think I have some sort of things that are somewhat "lazy eye" material. Maybe I blink more than normal? Maybe I talk funny? Maybe I twitch on not know it? Those sort of things.

 

Social awkwardness is not a physical thing. it is the result of our emotions, thoughts and conditioning. There are guys with limps, guys with physical differences, etc who have MANY friends and dates and even have girlfriends because they are socially comfortable. They are unlikely to meet a woman at a bar where its all about a 5 second first impression. they WILL meet lots of women who are in a class with them, volunteer with them, know their sister, etc - in otherwords - where their personality shines through and they are not "looking" to "score women".

 

I know someone who uses a wheelchair that married a beautiful and intelligent young woman with a high level job. She doesn't use a wheelchair. And she doesn't care. He's smart, motivated and kind. And he is her "type" as far as ethnic background, general looks (some women like blonde surfer looking dudes, some like a slender frame, some like a line backer frame).

 

What you are trying to do is get someone to tell you that you are holding your head wrong or sitting wrong and correct you on it. You don't want to do the inner work to make you that confidant guy. i have said it 100 times - do something like physcical exercise to get the endorphins going and to do whatever work you can to stop living off your folks. Those two things will change your confidence and dating prospects immensely. (and you might meet a nice girl who is waiting tables while she pursues her dream of being an actor or singer or museum docent or is working the customer service desk so she can take night classes to do what she really wants to do)

[Dougie_D]

I didn't know that. That's good Dougie_D. I just think you should focus on your own health and wellness before you worry about dating girls. I'm sorry for calling you creepy.

 

I've been playing guitar since I was 8 or 9 years old. I was superlative as "most talented" in highschool. Majority of my friends are musically inclined. I was always in bands back in the day but I never "looked the part". I dressed preppy but played punk/metal.

 

Thanks for the apology.

[tiredofvampires]

What do you do to physically take care of yourself?

[Dougie_D]

yes, that's a hobby, but it is not a hobby that is a social hobby unless you are involved in a song writing group. Would you be willing to try something different, like taking a cooking class, joining up with a group that goes hiking and does the annual bird count? A group that likes to get together to watch foreign films and then have a meal? A group that works on habitat humanity houses? What do you like to do that's social?

 

Yes, I've been always wanting take a cooking class but I honestly can't afford it. Maybe if the classes were 20 bucks and not over 100 each time. During football season, I go to the Alumni association to watch the games, and every month I go to my board game meet ups.

 

i have said it 100 times - do something like physcical exercise to get the endorphins going and to do whatever work you can to stop living off your folks. Those two things will change your confidence and dating prospects immensely. (and you might meet a nice girl who is waiting tables while she pursues her dream of being an actor or singer or museum docent or is working the customer service desk so she can take night classes to do what she really wants to do)

 

Haha! I walk pretty much everywhere and I go to the gym also. Trust me, I'm trying to get a "career job" . I do work, but I get paid very, very little. Just having a job is not going to change my confidence. It has to be a "career path type job". I worked at retail for almost 5 years and it was the most depressing time my entire life. Yes, it help me with my parents not giving me money financially at that time, but for my confidence? No way. I DRANK more! Went to BARS more! I was LESS motivated to get out of the situation.

[Dougie_D]

What do you do to physically take care of yourself?

 

I walk a lot. Probably average 3 miles a day. I go to gym too. I take vitamins. I drink lot of MINERAL water. More than drinking beers.

 

I think I eat healthy.. Not sure. I go to Subway. I eat salads and drink smoothie shakes.