*..And I thought I was prepared for it...until his GF calls me..*

[Dollita]

We were together for almost 3 years, until I moved away to another city for my new job.

 

He would call everyday, and everything was perfectly fine, or so it seemed...

 

I have taken a week off from 22 - 28 May so i could go see him. On 21st night, we planned places for us to go together while I'm there.

 

I'm not really a big fan of a long distance relationship...so I was prepared to deal with whatever may happen between us.

 

Yesterday a girl called me and asked if I were his GF? I said, "Sorry, who are you?"

 

She hung up.

 

I called him. He didn't answer.

 

I called her back, we talked, and boy...i thought i was prepared for the worst, but after learning the fact that he has been sleeping with her every single night for the past 3 months, my mind just went BLANK.

She kept talking and talking but I didn't hear anything anymore...I was SO BLANK...

 

He called and apologized and repeated the "I love yous"...and as much as I want to scream and cry and smash his face...all I did was wishing them both well. I told him to never call me again, then called her and said the same.

 

I was surprised that I was exceptionally calm. I didn't cry like I normally do when I'm sad.

But last night I slept at 1 am, woke up at 2, then at 4, then couldn't sleep at all after.

My mind was filled with images of them together.

I kept asking myself how could I not have known this earlier?

He slept with her not only once, but for the past 90 f*cking days?

 

And there I was...such a fool...believing that I was his one and only.

 

Have you been through the same? How did you deal with insomnia?

[Limiya]

Wow, that's a shock to say the least.

You handled it very well i must say. I'm not sure i would have been able to stay so calm in the same situation.

As for the insomnia, it will get better. At the moment it's playing on your mind, so keep busy so the more tired you are at night, the easier it is to sleep.

I suffered from lack of sleep too at the beginning. It's awful.

6 years, and he left me for a woman he met at work and proposed within 4 months. So yeah, pretty brutal.

Unfortunately, this time is for us to take action on working on ourselves. Esteem, confidence, and doing everything we can to help ourselves move forward and not backwards.

 

This forum is great for advice.

Limiya

[Sparklesong]

Well, now you can enjoy living and getting to know new people in your new city without the baggage back home keeping you from it. Time for a fresh start with a clean slate!

[Edmund Exley]

You arent a fool. No one can see whats going on in another city. He's simply a liar who took advantage of your trust. Good riddence.

 

The fool is the girl who called you as she is probably still with him in spite of knowing he was playing her for the past 3 months.

[lavenderdove]

OK, i know you are sad now, but you just saved yourself from a lifetime of trouble by finding this out... you have learned he is a huge liar and a cheater and capable of living a double life and deception without a second thought.

 

this is a very selfish man if he'll do this to TWO women, you and this other woman. I hope she learned something from this and drops him. And the reason you didn't know it earlier is that he was far away and lying to you, and you had no reason to suspect him based on a long history together, so how would you know? I had the same thing happen to me when my ex moved away for a job, and then kept me in the dark and starting lying and living a double life. It was just selfishness on his part... he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and i was devastated when i found out, but you can't un-know what you know! You've learned his true character and what a betrayer he is, so you need to focus hard on accepting that and letting go.

 

I really came to terms with it myself when i realized that i had done nothing at all to deserve that treatment, and he was the one who was weak and selfish and at fault and he didn't deserve my love or loyalty when he was so disloyal himself, and the proper thing to do was cut him off because i didn't want to throw my pearls before swine.

 

This will pass... you are in shock at first, and will have to go thru some grieving to move on. But rememeber, he's a huge liar and cheater and you could never had a good life with someone who would do this to you because you can never trust him and already know that he is so selfish that he will do whatever feels good for himself with no concern as to how it would hurt you and how wrong it is to do that to you.

 

So he's not the person you thought he was, so don't rake over all the memories and hopes you had because frankly he just is not a candidate for a permanent partner or husband because he is so deceptive and capable of living a double life without a second thought. Just be glad you learned that before a marriage and children happened. Guys who are capable of this will do it again and again, whether they are married or single, doesn't matter because they are SELFISH and indulge themselves. Their morals aren't guided by right or wrong or whether what they do might harm another person, they are guided by their whims and whether or not they think they can get away with it. And with you safely out of of town, he figured the cat's away so the mice will play! That is a very weak set of morals and never anyone you can trust or should trust.

[lilypadgirl]

Wow, I'm so sorry this happened to you Dollita. You handled it amazingly well.

 

As others have said, you are not a fool. You trusted him and he betrayed your trust. That's on him, not you. Don't let his lack of character affect your ability to trust. The guy that is worthy of you won't betray your trust. I really agree with what lavenderdove said.

 

Also the insomnia is normal. You are in still in shock over this and your mind is frantically trying to find meaning and trying to understand all this and your heart is breaking. Let yourself process all of this and all of your emotions. Take it easy on yourself and eat right, and if possible work out more. Working out will tire you out so you can sleep better. Some people like to drink milk or honeyed water before bed as it calms them down. But there will be a few, possibly many, nights where you wake up every few hours. Even a few months out of a breakup I still have those nights every once in a while. That is the path to healing and know that it is normal.

 

Take care of you and know that you're not alone. Hugs.

[Live-N-Learn]

Yesterday a girl called me and asked if I were his GF? I said, "Sorry, who are you?" She hung up.

 

Seems like he was playing her as well and she was suspicious. I wonder how she got your phone number. I wonder how he planned to have you there this week with him if he is with her. What a douche. He deserves to lose both of you. Sorry

[Dollita]

Thank you ALL of you so much.

 

Today I was in a very important conference call, suddenly i started sobbing terribly, tears wouldn't stop - we had to postpone the conference to next Monday.

 

My boss was shocked. He's never seen me like this before, he didn't ask any questions, he just told me to take the afternoon off.

 

The problem is...I wasn't even aware that i was gonna start crying during the conference at all.

 

It was just the quick thought of him calling me every day for the past 90 days,

while he was in bed with her every night for the same *ucking 90 nights.

 

He called me in the late afternoon...and I answered. For all the wrong reasons.

 

He asked if he could come see me just for one night. I said yes. To make the matter even worse.

 

I walked over to bathroom and can't help but notice my teary tired eyes, then this little voice in my head asked "what the hell am i doing??"

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't wanna call him back so i unblocked him on Google Talk and here's our conversation:

 

me: i...i cant stop thinking about you and her *ucking every night for the past 90 days. i think im not ready to meet you. i keep thinking about it and i can't sleep, i can't eat, my life is so horrible. it's like living in hell.

him: please babe i promise i wont see her again. i love you. i dont love her. i want you back.

him: babe?

me: Cancel the taxi. I dont think i can meet you anymore. Im too scared of being hurt again and again

him: I will give you time to forget it. Can we talk on skype tonight?, and every night. you can see me. i will be alone in my room. we can talk the whole night.

me dont think i can believe you that you will not go sleep with her again.

him: i wont, and i dont care if she threatens to cut herself. i will leave this job and move there to be with you.

him: i will give you time and wait for you when you are ready to forgive me and take me back.

me: why did you do it?

him: i dont know why i did it. ok? now i dont even want to see her face anymore

me: why the *uck did you lie to her about the tattoo?

him: look ok? im losing my business! i invested so much into it. my staffs need to get paid. and the restaurant is closed cuz i *ucking cant get the work permit for the Chef! she was just there at the bar ok? she reminds me so much of you ok babe? that's it.

me: Yeah right. And all of this is my fault.

him: there's no one like you and i can never forget you. your name on my chest forever, remember?

him: i will give you time and wait till you get here, or i go there. ok?

me: And how do i know u wont go sleep with her again? cuz im such a fool right? i never doubted you. i gave you all the freedom in the world..

him: i'll get you on the conference call, you'll hear what i say to her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Then he called me and put me on hold for like 2-3 rings - then they started talking**

 

What i get from the conversation is that the girl is really into him. She is so desperate to be with him.

 

She threatens to hurt herself and go to his restaurant and make a scene if he doesn't come to see her tonight.

 

From the conversation, i also learned that even after i found out about it 2 days ago, he still went and slept with her last night!

And the night before that! The day i found out about it, that night he still went to sleep with her!

 

He was indifferent, he said it's over between him and her. He said he doesn't care what she does anymore.

Then he said he has to go and hung up on both of us.

 

He didn't call me back. Went offline on Gtalk as well.

 

My head is gonna burst.

 

What should i do?

[Kristenelaine]

What should you do? You should never speak to him again.

 

He is so cruel and careless to have treated you that way....and now he conferenced call a break up with the other girl.

 

This guy is a real prize. Go find someone new hun.

 

You have the world at your fingertips...dont let the wrong man change that

[Limiya]

This man is a pratt!!

He cheats on you, and tries to give you reasons which are laughable. If you had cheated in him with another man behind his back, do you think he would be so forgiving? I doubt it.

Would you tell your friends to go running back to him after their boyfriends slept with a woman for 90 whole days and lied? I don't think you would.

 

You'll hurt for a while, but please try and keep your self respect. You're crying to a man who cheated on you. Will he respect you for this? no.

Plus you'll have no trust left in this relationship again.

You deserve a man who does not jump into bed with another women the moment your back is turned.

 

Also, this isn't even a one night stand. 90 DAYS!!! Look at that! Not once did he think of you throughout this.

Try and calm down, cut him off, stop listening to his bullsh*t and look after yourself. You'll be glad you kept your self respect in the long run.

 

Limiya

[Edmund Exley]

 

him: I will give you time to forget it.

Awful presumptious of him to just expect you to "forget it" but then he goes on to reassure you he isnt going to allow you your space with this

 

Can we talk on skype tonight?, and every night. you can see me. i will be alone in my room. we can talk the whole night.

Yep, you are now supposed to just talk to me everynight like I wasnt a pig who betrayed you for 3 months and its only because the other girl caught me that you even know about it.

 

him: i wont, and i dont care if she threatens to cut herself. i will leave this job and move there to be with you.

I have no respect for women. I was lying to you to have sex with her, and now I dont care if she hurts herself as I am done using her for sex now that you know about it.

 

him: i will give you time and wait for you when you are ready to forgive me and take me back.

Im so full of myself that I kow you are too weak to not forgive me and take me back. I'll wait. Being full of myself is why I treated two women like dirt for sex.

 

him: i dont know why i did it. ok? now i dont even want to see her face anymore

I used another woman and I assume me tossing her like trash will make you feel better.

 

 

im losing my business! i invested so much into it. my staffs need to get paid. and the restaurant is closed cuz i *ucking cant get the work permit for the Chef! she was just there at the bar ok? she reminds me so much of you ok babe? that's it.

See I have a legit excuse. Now forgive me for f-ing her and get over it.

 

him: i'll get you on the conference call, you'll hear what i say to her.

I want to prove to you I used her for sex and tossed her away. But I dont treat you so bad......

[Clio]

Your ex has proven incapable of handling life's adversities in a mature way. And life has many adversities... If you go back you are in for a world of pain. He will have no respect for you. Not that he had much to begin with... He is a liar 'babe'. And selfish. He uses women. Some boundaries are not meant to be crossed EVER and sadly he did. Taking him back would be giving him permission to do it again and again and again. Please move on.

[Kristenelaine]

This is an amazing post!

 

Never talk to him again!

[Edmund Exley]

Your ex has proven incapable of handling life's adversities in a mature way. And life has many adversities... If you go back you are in for a world of pain. He will have no respect for you. Not that he had much to begin with... He is a liar 'babe'. And selfish. He uses women. Some boundaries are not meant to be crossed EVER and sadly he did. Taking him back would be giving him permission to do it again and again and again. Please move on.

 

Actually he is just using lifes adveristies as an excuse. The bottom line is this. If that girl had never called Dollita he would still be doing what he was doing

[lavenderdove]

>>him: i wont, and i dont care if she threatens to cut herself.

 

Oh, what a prince he is... so he used another girl for sex for 90 days and now is dropping her without a look back and doesn't care how much he hurt her? What an arrogant and insensitive jerk!

 

>>him: i will give you time and wait for you when you are ready to forgive me and take me back.

 

He's already assuming he's got you wrapped around his finger and all he needs to do is wait around and let you be mad for a while but then you'll forgive him.

 

>>him: i dont know why i did it. ok? now i dont even want to see her face anymore

 

No, he doesn't want to see her face, but he sure wants to dive deep into her hoo-ha! He did it to get laid every night. And because he thought you'd never find out about it. And if you did you'd be mad for awhile but would still take him back because he's got you wrapped.

 

>>she was just there at the bar ok? she reminds me so much of you ok babe? that's it.

 

So he'll stick his johnson in anybody or anything the reminds him of you? and he thinks that's an excuse?? And he thinks that you are stupid enough to take that as a compliment?

 

>>him: there's no one like you and i can never forget you. your name on my chest forever, remember?

 

Which is why laser removal is so popular these days... because they can do a tattoo then have it removed later!

 

>>he still went and slept with her last night! And the night before that! The day i found out about it, that night he still went to sleep with her!

 

which just shows he's lying and manipulating the both of you. As soon as he hangs up from talking with you, he's calling her and apologizing and climbing in her bed.

 

>>He was indifferent, he said it's over between him and her. He said he doesn't care what she does anymore.

 

He doesn't really care about you either. He only cares about himself and getting his rocks off every night.

 

Honey this guy is BAD news... he's lying, cheating, and totally disrespecting you and this other woman. He's obviously a skilled liar and manipulator. Please don't close your eyes to this. He's saying he loves you now, but only for that moment. As soon as he's out of your sight, he'll be lying and cheating and expecting you to forget about it.

 

You just just cut him off and lose his number. This guy slept with this women for 3 months straight! I'm sure she thought he was her BF and he encouraged that by sleeping with her every night at her house. She WAS his GF (and so were you) until this hit the fan. So he's perfectly comfortable living a double life and lying to multiple women at once. This wasn't a minor slip, this is a way of life for him and demonstrates a serious lack of character.

 

Please get out and save yourself. If you take him back, he'll just do it again and again, until one day he meets a woman he is attracted to more than you, and he'll bail at that time, maybe after you've had a couple kids and are middle aged.

[Dollita]

You have no idea how much i value your comments...they mean so much to me right now.

 

I kept reading each and every comment you all wrote over and over again to prevent myself from meeting him. I'm just so grateful to all of you.

 

It's just so so so hard because a part of me wanna take him back so badly. Maybe he still loves me like he said, and maybe it was just physical needs for him like he said?

 

Would you be having sex with someone if you didn't love them?

 

Rather, would you be having sex with other woman if you love me?

 

I guess as of this moment my heart really needs more time to accept what my mind already knows.

 

It's like almost 3 am here where I live and I just can't sleep. 3 days have passed and it seems like 30 years.

[Kristenelaine]

I know you want to make excuses for him, and justify why he did what he did. I have been there.

 

Its kind of like you can almost convince yourself that if it was just for the physical reasons, you could forgive him....but you cant. and you wont. The trust is lost and you deserve someone who would rather masturbate alone than cheat on you...

 

I think he is full of it! He wouldnt have come forward if he didnt get caught...and thats what makes the difference of giving someone a second chance or not. If someone who cheated ONCE comes forward right away and says they screwed up.....Maybe forgive them. But he cheated for 90 days....and got caught.

 

Keep staying strong.

[Live-N-Learn]

I am still interested in how he was going to have you there this week with him without it blowing up in his face. I assume he was trying to explain some lame excuse why he could not see her for a week while you were there. That probably caused her to get suspicious since they had been sleeping together every night for the past 90 days. That is what most likely caused her to snoop his phone, get your number and call you.

 

I'm just speculating of course. But it doesn't change the fact he is a douche.

[Kristenelaine]

I am still interested in how he was going to have you there this week with him without it blowing up in his face. I assume he was trying to explain some lame excuse why he could not see her for a week while you were there. That probably caused her to get suspicious since they had been sleeping together every night for the past 90 days. That is what most likely caused her to snoop his phone, get your number and call you.

 

I'm just speculating of course. But it doesn't change the fact he is a douche.

 

I'm curious as well! What a douche!

[Dollita]

I'm curious as well! What a douche!

 

Guess what...im curious as well! But I think I made the right decision by calling off the entire holiday and got back to work. Eventhough I totally broke down and cried during the meeting on Friday. I'm still glad I didn't show up there anyway.

 

Now I just started to realize why he stopped answering my calls in the mornings a few weeks ago - I questioned him about it and all he said was he was still sleeping and put the phone on vibration.

 

It never happened before!

 

He would answer my calls no matter how early it is. Since he knows I get up early and I would call him at like 8.30 while on my way to work. And he wakes up late because his restaurant won't open till afternoon.

 

But all I did was believe him and thought he must be very tired and I should stop calling and allow him to rest.

 

Now I know the only reason was he was still in bed with that girl.

 

OUCH!

 

You know I had only 3 hours sleep and thank God is Saturday. .

[Kristenelaine]

Yeah, I've been there. My ex cheated on me with a stripper and hid it from me for 4 months... Used his mom dying of cancer as an excuse to see me less

[rambleon]

Wow, this is one of the few posts I've read where the situation really is black and white. There is NO excuse in the world for this guy's behavior. He has no redeeming values whatsoever... seriously what a scumbag. You definitely did the right thing by canceling your vacation with him. Shut him out and never look back.

[lavenderdove]

Liars/cheaters have a large catalog of lies they whip out and shuffle like a deck of cards whenever they want to get away with something. It is sadly very easy for someone who is in an LDR to get away with it because you have no way of checking up on them or being around to make any time demands on them (i.e., expectations that they will come home to you every night, plans on evenings and weekends etc.). The only thing that tethers them to you is the phone, and they can easily tell huge whoppers about why they didn't answer or where they are or what they are doing and you have no way of knowing. He can be at her house texting you good night from her bathroom, and claim he is sleeping or working or sick or out with male buddies or anything he wants and you'll never know.

 

So it is very easy for them to pull the wool over your eyes.

 

And to your question about whether he can love you and do this, the truth is this proves he doesn't know what real and love and respect means. Love just isn't as important to him as SELF love where he gets to do as he pleases and gratify himself, and if he has to lie to do that, he will! People like this don't bond that deeply with anybody. Notice how callously he says he will just cut that woman out without caring about the fact that he spend 3 months with her! So he is probably telling you that he will cut her out, and telling her that if she is patient he will find a way to cut you out of his life eventually... just saying anything that keeps the game going as long as he can.

 

I had something like this happen to me, and he just was a totally selfish person who eventually admitted he never really bonded with anybody the way he should. He was still calling me even though he LIED about being single and was MARRIED to someone else. His logic was that she and I really weren't relevant to each other because we lived in different areas and never interacted! So his logic was that as long as he could keep us apart, it's all good and shouldn't matter to me. Of course i was getting the same 'you are so important to me and the only one who really understands me and i love you so much' and blah blah blah, but the reality was he really loved NEITHER of us because he didn't get what love meant and was really about. As long as he was getting his needs met, whether it was 2 women or 20 filling those needs, it was all good in his mind! His task was to manipulate people in his life to get all his own needs/desires met, even if it meant lying, cheating, being a totally false lover/spouse in order to do it.

 

So this guy just doesn't think at all like you do or he woudn't do this. He is NOT who you hoped him to be. He's fully capable of living a double life without a second thought and thinks his only task is to manipulate you to accept it and let him get away with it. Please don't get invovled with him again... someone this selfish will hurt you again and again, and has probably cheated on you all along whenever he could get away with it. You just never suspected because YOU would never do it. Which of course gives him the advantage because he can go underground and operate behind the scenes to get what he wants while you're not the wiser.

 

So please don't put on blinders and think you can ignore the gravity of this. His words were actually very callous and cruel for both you and this other girl... he's not a nice guy at all, even though he layers on a veneer of charm to manipulate people. He thinks his job is to ACT and TALK like he's a good guy to get what he wants, not to actually BE a good guy which is much harder! So he is constantly searching for the right words to manipulate you, all the while being a hollow shell who doesn't actually believe them or intend to follow thru for long, only just long enough to pacify you then he's right back to being the same hollow immoral guy that he REALLY is.

 

He's really bad news, just cut him off and don't look back! Find a NORMAL guy who is decent and honest and does care about you as much as he does his own selfish desires and indulging them.

[Dollita]

I want all of you to forgive me for this, but I have decided to meet him today.

 

We haven't seen each other for 4 months.

 

You are right, I should run away from him as far as I can.

 

But I just want him to look into my eyes and tell me he has been sleeping with her every single night for the past three months.

 

I want him to say it to my face and see my heart being torn apart right in front of him.

 

The pain is already too unbearable, I don't think I can take it anymore by meeting him.

 

This is not for him. This is for ME. I want to have the very worst of it thrown at my face.

 

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

I won't just bury it. Ignore it. Walk away from it. And expect that time will heal it and eventually forget it.

 

Because in reality it doesn't work that way.

 

I want my heart to be ripped apart in front of him so the heart knows what the mind already knows.

 

Thank you all so much for being there for me, and I only hope that you would understand.

 

I will update you soon.

[Live-N-Learn]

If you were older I would have much more to say about your decision. But since your only 24 I will attribute your poor decision to immaturity. Truthfully, many of us had to learn the hard way. Why should we think you would listen. Good luck.

 

I predict you will not feel any better after this meeting.