*..And I thought I was prepared for it...until his GF calls me..*

[Dollita]

If you were older I would have much more to say about your decision. But since your only 24 I will attribute your poor decision to immaturity. Truthfully, many of us had to learn the hard way. Why should we think you would listen. Good luck.

 

I predict you will not feel any better after this meeting.

 

Im on my way right now and I want to call it off so much. This is a mistake. Oh god what am I doing.

 

.....

[Heartbreakcity]

Im on my way right now and I want to call it off so much. This is a mistake. Oh god what am I doing.

 

.....

 

Turn around and go home, this is not going to end well. There is nothing he can say that will change what he has done. He will not change and he will keep hurting you. Save your heart the pain and please walk away from him

[Kristenelaine]

I hope you are okay

[Live-N-Learn]

Im on my way right now and I want to call it off so much. This is a mistake. Oh god what am I doing.

 

You are responding out of your pain. Your head knows what to do but your heart has not caught up yet. Every time you go against what you know you should do you chip away at your self esteem and self worth. After awhile if you don't get control of your emotions you will end up completely broken and hating yourself for your lack of self discipline and lack of self respect.

 

You need to give yourself a time out for at least 30 days until you can stop acting out of emotions. Unfortunately, going and seeing him will only make it worse. You have started down the road of self destruction. time to make a U turn.

[lavenderdove]

OK, this is a classic mistake and here's why. You've seen him as a source of emotional support and connection for years now. So you think 'showing' him your pain will somehow make you feel better and magically make all this as if it didn't happen.

 

But what you are REALLY doing is returning to the SOURCE of your pain/the problem and expect the source of your pain to fix your pain, when he's the one who caused it to being with. He's not sorry he caused you pain, he's just sorry he got caught!! Two entirely different things. You *think* he's a source of support and comfort, but he's the one who caused you this pain and made a very clear choice to climb into someone else's bed for the last 3 months without a second thought as to the impact of his behavior on you and your relationship. He DOESN'T CARE if he hurts you, he cares about getting his rocks off and getting what he wants for himself.

 

So it's like you're returning to the arsonist who just burned down your house and stamping your foot and saying how bad he is then throwing yourself in his arms and saying 'hold me, i hurt, comfort me, build me my house again.' While the arsonist is already thinking about the next house he wants to burn down while you're weeping in his arms. That is what these impulses are about and why they never work. He's the one who caused this pain, and he did it because he thought it was a really sweet spot to have two women rather than one, so why should he feel bad? He didn't care if he hurt you then, and he doesn't now, though he may put on a good show to try to pacify you, then he'll just leave you and go pacify the other woman, or look for a new woman where there is less drama than the two of you.

 

So you're taking it that talking to him and showing him your pain will suddenly turn him into a wonderful person and you'll get your old BF back and your old relationship back. It won't. The real problem is he's NOT the good BF or nice person you thought he was or he wouldn't have done this to begin with.

 

What it usually does it teach them that they need to be more careful next time they cheat, and avoid the things he did that got him caught. I know cheaters who got caught by having the girl go thru their phone and find out about another girl. So all they do is switch to carrying TWO phones, one a burner phone and one a regular phone. One girl only has the burner phone number (usually the person on the side) and the wife/old GF has the real phone number. When he's with you he'll leave her phone locked in his car trunk, and when he's with you, he'll do the reverse. So they just become better cheaters by listening to what you and the other woman say after they get caught to find a strategy to avoid getting caught the next time. They don't feel bad about it, or they wouldn't have done it to begin with!

 

So the post-mortem just crystallizes their desire to become a better liar/cheater/manipulator, and also just annoys them and makes them lose respect for you. All that weeping and crying will just make him realize how attached to him you are, and convince him how he only needs to comfort you and make empty promises and start carrying a burner phone, and he gets to go back to business as usual. Or he just tires of your dramatics and goes and finds a third girl who isn't mad at him and will believe his lies and trust him because she hasn't caught him in a lie yet.

 

That is how it works with these kinds of cheaters.

[Kristenelaine]

Guys, she needs our support, not for her actions to be pulled apart and analyzed for crying out loud. She has decided to do this so support her or back off!

 

I think at best, this will give you the closure you need. Hang in there and stay strong! He will come at you with excuses and I love yous. Please don't cave.

 

He will only cheat again.

 

Say your goodbyes and grieve the loss of the person you THOUGHT he was. Go be the woman you KNOW you are!

[Kristenelaine]

Did you meet up with him? How did it go?

[lavenderdove]

>>Guys, she needs our support, not for her actions to be pulled apart and analyzed for crying out loud.

 

A very famous quote: 'An unexamined life is not worth living.' Knowledge and understanding are her friends! 50 people who just say 'poor you. do anything you want and it will turn out fine,' just won't offer her any insight at all into why she should make the choice to let him go rather than thinking that crying in his lap and yelling at him will 'fix' anything at all.

 

What will fix this is recognizing that she has a guy who is willing to live a double life and lie and con TWO women. And that that guy isn't worth having or putting herself in harm's way by seeing him again and giving him the chance to manipulate her feelings and use her yet again.

 

The first thing young women need to learn is that giving in to drama and crying in the lap of someone who betrayed them isn't going to help at all... what helps is looking at what happened and really learning from it and learning that she is stronger than she thinks, and deserves to have an honest and loving guy in her life rather than returning to some loser who bangs other women as soon as he is out of her sight.

[Kristenelaine]

She isn't returning to him. She said she wanted to see him so she could hear from him what he did. It's called closure and hopefully she can get some.

 

If she lets him manipulate her then that's her mistake.

[learning2relax]

I truly hope that you walked away from him for good after meeting up with him to talk to him in person. Here is the thing, he will say absolutely anything to keep you on the hook. He will come up with every excuse and explanation to get you to question if you are being too hard on him and throwing away a good thing with him.

 

If you are considering giving him another chance, play that forward with what it looks like for you if you take his bait..... Keep in mind that you will never ever be able to trust him again - ever. Every time you go to call him and if he doesn't answer and/or takes any length of time to call you back, what is the first conclusion you will jump to? That he is cheating on you - and with good reason! It will drive you absolutely insane. If you continue down this road, it won't take long before you will hardly recognize yourself because you will be consumed with ensuring that he is staying faithful to you. This is no way to live and it is NOT a loving relationship by any means. He took advantage of your love for him and your trust in him. The relationship is broken irreparably. Yes it is sad and devastating but if you walk away, you will be able to look back on this time at some point in the future and realize how fortunate you were to find out who he truly is now and that you stood up for yourself. Someone once shared an excellent metaphor with me for situations such as this. It goes something like.....If you have a beautiful vase or mirror that has been shattered, while you can glue it back together, it will NEVER be the same again.

 

Please, please, please think very carefully about what you would be doing to yourself if you took him back. Stand up for who you are, what you believe to be right and how you deserve to be treated in a relationship. Don't ever compromise your own values and self worth for someone like this. They are takers and very selfish without any thought of anyone else in their lives.

 

The other thing to keep in mind....if you take him back, what is to stop him from trying again? Once you take him back you have sent him a message that he can do the unthinkable and you will forgive him. He has nothing to stop him from doing it again. If anything he will most likely be of the mindset that if he gets caught, he may have to grovel a bit harder than last time but it will all be fine in the end. He has no conscience when it comes to relationships and he is incapable of being in a healthy, loving relationship. This has nothing at all to do with you. This is all on him. He is the one that makes a choice to behave this way. Regardless of anything you may say or do, it is his choice and his choice alone. Know this.

 

Not that I am fond of sharing this part of my past but it may help you understand that there are people on ENA that speak from similar experiences. I put myself through this same type of hell with a very narcissistic man when I was in my twenties. Did he ever get better? No! Only his groveling improved with time. Never his behavior nor respect of me in the relationship. He was the ultimate salesman. He was ten years my senior. Once I finally had the strength to pull myself completely away from him for good I was devastated and a shell of a person. I had compromised every one of my values and he threw each one away without a second thought. This left me empty, bereft and mourning the loss of me and the time I spent on him in my life when I might have found happiness sooner if I had left him behind the first time I learned of his indiscretions. I was completely shattered. It took me years to recover and to attempt a relationship again. I had to get myself to a place where I could be fair to someone else and not hold them guilty of my ex's sins. I had to put the past behind me to where I wouldn't risk a new relationship to be sabotaged unfairly. I didn't want him to have that control over my future nor my happiness. I had to learn how to trust people again. It was not an easy road by any means.

 

I hope you are doing OK. It is devastating to learn what you have learned. You are understandably very emotional right now. I sincerely hope that you are taking care of yourself. Please know that there is support here for you. I am so sorry that you had to experience this. No one deserves to be treated this way. You are worthy of being loved and respected.

[Live-N-Learn]

Im on my way right now and I want to call it off so much. This is a mistake. Oh god what am I doing.

 

She isn't returning to him. She said she wanted to see him so she could hear from him what he did. It's called closure and hopefully she can get some.

 

In her own words she has admitted that it is a mistake to go see him. Poor thing is going to come back a mess. She will not get any closure from him, just more confusion and pain.

[Kristenelaine]

hmmmm..if she comes back.

[lavenderdove]

If she doesn't come back it will be because she fell for his manipulations and protestations of eternal love and promises that he won't keep. So she WILL eventually be back one way or another, because she was strong enough to resist him and will report back that she was, or months down the line when he cheats on her yet again and she reports back that it has happened again and she is sorry she took him back. It's a pretty common pattern we see again and again here on ENA.

[Kristenelaine]

Yeah...Hopefully she is okay though. I worry about her safety

[lavenderdove]

Cheaters like this rarely harm people physically. Their profile is that when they are angry or annoyed, they just run to the next woman in line. They aren't too attached to anybody at all, so they just move on to the next one, and usually run multiple women at the same time so if one angers or disappoints them, they just go to another one. So the big risk here is to her heart and the folly of returning to someone who is so collosolly selfish that he lives a double life with more than one woman. Of course anything is always possible, but what is probable is that he'll talk her into taking him back for Round 2 of the same, and eventually she will be ready to accept that he's a liar and a cheat, but not until she's gone another round with him because right now she is too shocked to think cleary. If she's strong she'll dump him now, if not so strong, she'll go back for round 2 until she's proven it to herself that this guy is no good.

[Kristenelaine]

He must have a lot of time on his hands. I find it hard to keep up with the person I am seeing and I only see him a couple days every 9 days...haha.

 

I dont know how people with double lives do it

[Live-N-Learn]

She is a smart girl. She knows what is in store for her but her heart has not caught up. I predict she will take him back and that it won't last very long. He still has her under his spell. She just can't let go yet. But she will.

[learning2relax]

I hope she learns and pulls away from him sooner then later. Unfortunately she already has enough to go on to make the decision but emotions are incredibly powerful and can overrule your head and logic. Best wishes to her and hope that she gains the strength she needs to make the better decision for her well being.

[Dollita]

Hi everyone,

 

I apologize for the extended silence for the past 3 days. I was trying to figure things out with him.

 

You know...that night he took me to one new restaurant in town...

 

"Have you brought her here already or not, were you sitting on this same table? Did you hold her hands and say these words? The same words you're saying to me now?"

 

"Did it feel good hugging her and sleeping with her every night?"

 

"Did I ever cross your mind when you take her to places that we went?"

 

"Were you ever gonna come clean about it if she hadn't called me?"

 

"What have I done to you that you have to hurt me so bad?"

 

And I just couldn't stop asking and tears wouldn't stop flowing.

 

And then it hit me hard.

 

"How do I know you're telling the truth?"

 

"How can I ever trust you again?"

 

"Mistake is when you slept with her once.

 

Or twice.

 

BUT NOT 90 *UCKING TIMES!"

 

.........

 

I think it was that moment that I realize I'm wasting my time. This was a mistake.

 

It was really hard to get up and walk out of that restaurant.

 

It was even harder to have to push him away when he came after me.

 

It was so hard to not look back and just drive on. Had to pull over twice to dry the tears.

 

I want to once again thank all of you so much for being there for me. I truly deeply appreciate each comment.

 

Please stay with me. It's just so hard to deal with this alone...

[Kristenelaine]

I am SO proud of you! Good for you. Sometimes it takes us throwing ourselves under a bus to realize how much of a mistake it was.

 

ANy time you feel weak, think of what he did. Grieve the loss, and dont be afraid to be angry about what he did. Just make sure to take it out on your pillow and not yourself or him. Remove him from your life forever! He isnt worth your time.

 

Stay strong!

[Live-N-Learn]

 

You know...that night he took me to one new restaurant in town...

 

"Have you brought her here already or not, were you sitting on this same table? Did you hold her hands and say these words? The same words you're saying to me now?"

 

"Did it feel good hugging her and sleeping with her every night?"

 

"Did I ever cross your mind when you take her to places that we went?"

 

"Were you ever gonna come clean about it if she hadn't called me?"

 

"What have I done to you that you have to hurt me so bad?"

 

And I just couldn't stop asking and tears wouldn't stop flowing.

 

And then it hit me hard.

 

"How do I know you're telling the truth?"

 

"How can I ever trust you again?"

 

"Mistake is when you slept with her once.

 

Or twice.

 

BUT NOT 90 *UCKING TIMES!"

 

Yes, these are the right questions to ask yourself. You did great and I am so thankful my prediction of you taking him back did not happen. Stay strong, you are doing the right thing.

[Limiya]

Good girl.

Although it was painful, you soon realized what the reality is like once the questions came.

The fact is, there is no answer in the world that could justify what he did, and how many times he did it.

The trust is gone, and you're realizing you could no longer know what you're getting with him. It's very sad, but at the same time, you did the right thing by getting out of there.

You deserve someone better who will come along and treat you with respect. Not a liar, and a cheat.

You will grieve for a while, but you need to go NC. No answering calls or texts. It will take a LOT longer to get over it otherwise. Trust me.

 

Write here for support if you need it.

Limiya

[SoLost12]

wow girlie ... I am so so sorry for all of what you are going through, this is heartbreaking. It is also beautiful, the way your strength & sense of self shines through. This is a hideously wrapped gift, and I have no doubt that as you unwrap all of it's nasty, painful layers you will be left with something truly stunning. Stay strong, you are impressive. With you attitude, this turn will lead you to great things.