Dealing With It - When You've Always Felt You Are Not of This World

[Silverbirch]

Since I was a child, I have always felt at least not quite "of this world". Sometimes the feeling becomes more pronounced than other times, but it is always there. Over the years, there were things I have learnt which help not to make it quite so bad, for example, if there is a tragedy, especially if it is intentionally caused by the chosen actions of another, I will separate myself from the media so that I know as little as possible about such sadness. I always do it when there are those mass-shootings, etc.

 

There are things about a lot of people which puzzle me. For example, (2qI see it at work, and I see it in my personal) where people treat others badly. They admit to a lack of respect if the person does not respond back aggressively or does not stoop to their level of undignified behaviour. On an intellectual level, I sort of get it - but then emotionally, I absolutely don't and that's when I often feel "not of this world".

 

I think that part of the reason this feeling is very much with me right now is that I have been sent photos on my FB of many shockingly mistreated animals, especially horses. I will send some money to help. The horses are in a specific country where my grandfather fought in the war. I remember clearly, even when he was a very old man, that he would have a tear in his eye, recounting how in the war, they were ordered by their superiors to shoot their much-loved and very brave, beautiful horses. Then he would add, that he loved his horse so much, he did not want these people to have his horse because of how they treated horses. I see from these photos, that one hundred years later, these people still treat horses as badly, maybe even as worse as they did then. Some people make excuses for them, that it is because they are poor and they cannot afford the correct equipment and that they overload the horses. The wounds to these horses are unimaginable for most people. I know that people suffer badly and trivialise the suffering of animals in comparison to people. That's another thing I can "get" intellectually but not emotionally. They are sentient beings too with souls, and unlike many humans, they are loyal.

 

Are there other people here like me? My mother says there are things about me much like my grandfather. She thinks I may have "inherited" my love of horses from him.

 

Right now, I feel like I want to close myself off from the world and just live quietly with my animals - and that is pretty much what I am doing.

[Silverbirch]

 

 

A horse which came briefly into my life. I never knew a person like this.

[Fudgie]

I can sympathize, somewhat. I feel like the older I've gotten, the less and less I like about this world. I am on treatment for my depression too...nothing shakes that feeling of "Wow, this world really sucks."

 

Economy sucks. I've lost my grandparents. Slowly seeing the older folks I've grown up knowing die off of old age. The things that I love about this world are dying or changing in ways that I don't like. People are very disrespectful of each other.

 

I don't have a lot of faith in humanity. Luckily, I'm not contributing to the population. But I'm not sure what the future holds for me. There are some places in the world I'd like to visit (places, not people, I travel because I like places not culture) but outside of that, I don't really want much of anything anymore. I guess just to do something I find interesting/helpful, make money, and make myself comfortable.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you Fudgie. I don't think that the label of depression is fair. I am definitely sad right now. As a child, I was brought up in one of the christian faiths where from time to time, there would be some claim of a visualisation or a painting of the Madonna shedding tears for the sadness of the world. That is more how it feels right now.

 

I know I can live quite frugally. I don't need a lot of money. I have a wonderful mother. She is a beautiful and kind lady, but she has been dealt some really bad things in her life. More than most people have had dealt to them. I want to be there for my mother.

[itsallgrand]

Sensitivity, perhaps? Things like that can really get to me as well. Actually, it's one of the biggest challenges in my life. Even as a girl, this trait was quite pronounced. I remember, and have been told stories, of how something seemingly very simple and commonplace could have lasting effects on me for a long time. Sometimes it came out with my sleep habits (walked in my sleep and had night terrors as a child). Sometimes I would react passionately or withdraw. My mother and father used to tell people, fondly, of how I once *demanded* of my father to stop the car when we were driving by cows, because I was going to free them. I was very young and didn't understand all the ins and outs but they liked to tell the story to illustrate "see, even as a kid, she was protesting and exerting her will whenever she thought someone or something was hurting. Can't be helped."

 

I never thought of it as being 'not of this world' and perhaps that is partly because there is a real ferocious aspect to my character, as well. Almost warrior like.

 

But those who know me know, it is almost ALWAYS driven by, actually, a very soft sensitive aspect to me that simply has a difficult time with suffering. Even perceived suffering.

 

I've learned a lot of tricks and ways of living a life now that accommodates it, and even uses it as a strength. But it can be extremely tiring. Sometimes I all want, is to be left alone - quiet, peace - it almost feels like a form of recovery from the onslaught of life, sometimes, and just being the type of person who will and is strongly affected by these things.

 

You are obviously a strongly empathetic person, silverbirch. And seems you have a special affinity and bond with horses. So of course, it's going to feel like a bit of an emotional blow to know and see horses who have endured real pain and suffering at the hands of humans. It's emotionally exhausting. ANd if you were feeling a bit down to begin with, it will be especially hard.

 

All my knowledge wrapped up in a sentence about this: Take care of you, too. Don't lose sight of that. It's something I remind myself every day.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you It'sallGrand. Yes, definitely, a sensitivity to suffering is correct and thank you for sharing of yourself. I feel that affinity to cats and dogs as well, and I think babies are just pure spiritual matter - so pure.

 

I'm more fortunate than most people in that I live in a very peaceful place where there is openess and space and I have friendly creatures literally living with me. I do have to travel to work each day and I am so glad to come home each evening to this peace and I suppose a type of safety.

 

 

[iamkaylee]

hmm.... I never thought I was not of this world but I have always felt I somehow didn't belong here either.

 

Sometimes I would react passionately or withdraw.

 

this ^^^^

 

... there is a real ferocious aspect to my character, as well. Warrior like.

 

^^^ oh most certainly.... the LAST thing people want to do is provoke me over something I am extremely passionate about. Do NOT mess with what I care about.... you will very quickly find I do not care about any consequences to myself for what I will do to you.

 

driven by, a very soft sensitive aspect to me that simply has a difficult time with suffering. Even perceived suffering.

 

^^^ yes/no.... I have become very hardened over the years and I can flip this on and off like a switch. These days, that switch is usually off. Suffering used to really bother me a lot. Now, I can easily inflict it if provoked. Pretty scary to realize you are capable of doing such things to protect your own or exact vengeance.

 

All l want, is to be left alone - quiet, peace -

 

^^^ yes, and I made that happen. This comes at a cost though and it can be a very high price to pay for some.

 

All my knowledge wrapped up in a sentence about this: Take care of you, too. Don't lose sight of that. It's something I remind myself every day.

 

^^^ THIS ^^^ Don't be like me silverbirch. Or you either Itsallgrand. You both have far too much to offer.

[quirky]

I understand what you say, I have always felt like an outsider of some sort, an idealist and a fighter, like what IAG describes.

 

I'd stop the cars for a blind person to pass by, give my pocket money to poor people on the street, give all my ice cream to my family and then cry cos I had none left. I hated being a child because my resources were limited, I wanted to help and transform mankind but I was still a child ! In my teens and early 20s this developed to megalomania, believing I was chosen or something like that..where it was upon me to challenge the status quo, transform the collective thinking and influence the world. I was going to start a political party at some point..lol

 

The way I feel like 'not part of this world' today is mostly due to my imagination and the things I observe and create. I have some characters I create that I consider them a companion to my journey. I seek out the odd, random and surreal and I often can't explain my fascinations to others, I hope they will just like that in me.

 

As a child, I often cried for no reason, my sensitivity was seen as alarming, I was aware of the suffering too and my powerlessness to resolve it, but still tried in some messy way. You mention animals and babies and I guess there is a vulnerability there you want to protect.

 

It does sound like you're very sensitive and from your posts here I do think you're very special and different, a bit hippy and quirky and spiritual if you don't mind me saying. This must be celebrated, it is good to be sensitive. Sensitive is both sensitive to the good and bad in life. Eventhough it hurts sometimes would you want it any other way?

 

I don't know much about horses, I really like the pictures you post, how did your love for them begin, what is it about them you love ?

[Silverbirch]

IamKaylee, thank you very much and you are very special too and have a lot to offer the world.

 

Thank you also Quirky for your very kind words. Sometimes, often, I feel as though I was sent to the wrong place or that this isn't my real home. I think it is possible though of course I can't know for certain, that when I die, I will go to my other home - the one where I am meant to be. A friend who passed away and another close friend of ours had contact with a psychic who sent a message from our friend which was a bit spine tingling. It was so "her" the way it was worded - with her favourite swear word too. The message was "It's much effing better here than where you are. LOL!" I've also had a couple of experiences of feeling my father's presence - twice last year, and a person we know had a messaged channelled from my father as well. I haven't had any recent experiences and don't try to have them. Mostly they are just things that have been once or twice over a couple of years, but even though I don't go to church, I think there is much more than what is here on this earth and the type of life most of us know. (Had the first "experience" of communication from the other side when I was 12 years old) It's possible that is simply the idealist in me, that I'm optimistic, but I don't think so. I think it is a much better place too.

 

Quirky, I grew up inner city, but my grandfather was from the outback. I used to love him telling me about how he used to ride his horse to school. Then like most young men in this country, he had to go away to the war as did his younger brother. His younger brother never came back and is buried in one of those huge military cemeteries in France. I was very close to those grandparents and used to spend most school holidays with them. His niece remained on the family property - a dairy farm and I met a number of times when she came down to the city. I was hoping to go on the farm, and she told - I was just a kid, that she would teach me to be a jillaroo (that's a cowgirl). I didn't get to do that, but it was always my dream to be on a farm, and especially to have a horse. I didn't get my own horse until I was in my 40's, and yes, it was a rescue of sorts. I couldn't keep him because after I fattened him up and he got well, he was full of energy and just 2 years old, and at that stage, I didn't have the skills to handle and train an uneducated and unhandled large 2 year old horse so I found a good home for him and he has done very well, but others have come my way. I would have more if I could afford it, and I found that I especially have an affinity with ponies. I currently have 3 of my own. I have undergone some training of my own in natural horsemanship and got in a relationship with a man who works in the equine industry so I'm by no means an expert, but certainly adequate as an owner, handler for many horses. I did have some riding lessons on a large horse maybe 2 years ago, but my passion is in ground skills mostly, and if I do ride, I would prefer to go bareback on a very quiet and trustworthy horse. I love that feeling of warmth and connectedness where you are joined to horse and can move in sync together. I have also involved been with an equine rehabilitation group in the state where I live. Needless to say, there are lots of different disciplines and schools of thought, but mostly I just like to hang out with horses, take them for walks and groom them.

 

Anyway, tonight I was able to take a peek and see Kayla's post while I was at work, but can't post from there. I thought about what she said and also the other posts. I thought about working to stay in the present moment. Budhists call it mindfulness and I focused on my surroundings. When I was on my break, I could hear voices and also cicadas, and it rained and was nice.

 

I thought about something that happened in my life recently, and how many people believe that if they treat you badly, and you don't respond in like, then you are weak. I think the opposite can be true - I don't mean to simply suffer, but to try and rise above it all and remain dignified. At times, I've even had moments of feeling sad for people who have treated me badly - most of my exes. I genuinely loved them and treated them well, and they chose to reject that and me, and went in exploration of greener pastures. Despite being very badly hurt with their words, I'm glad that I didn't allow myself to get roped into the cruel games some people play at breakups. It's part of one's separateness. It's how I perceive personal boundaries.

 

I recall when I was in my 20's, I saw the movie "Ghandi" with Ben Kingsley. I cried for days. I felt so down about that movie and what it said about mankind - I knew I had to be careful what I allowed myself to watch and read. Same thing when I read Peter Singer's "Animal Liberation" around that time. I became veggie after that.

 

I don't get angry often except about injustices to others, to animals, and God help anyone who tried to harm my family - especially when my son was a kid, I was very protective in some ways - the ways I thought were important. I work in a "caring" profession and can't really see myself doing anything that is not connected with that. Some people were a bit disappointed that I took that path, including school teachers and relatives. telling me I could do "much better".

 

Quirky, your games sound interesting. I have enjoyed reading the posts, not just on this thread, but on ENA of everyone who has kindly responded to my questions. Thank you all very much and sending good energy your way.