How do I get through this?

[SwEeTLiLGuRL]

Hello, I need help...

 

Some background info, My boyfriend Paul and I were together for almost 6 years. We started seeing eachother when I was 16. He has been my one and only. I have told him that, because that is what I believed in. I don't believe in sleeping around. I believe that should be for your one true love. Paul and I have had a GREAT relationship, however we have put things off in order to continue staying with eachother. We moved out when I turned 18 together, and have both been working full jobs since. It wasn't until this January that I started going to college to start working towards a future I dreamed of.

Well last year he and I moved to North Carolina to feel things out cause we didn't think things were working out the best for us here in FL. We tried that and it wasn't the best decision. We ended up coming back here to Fl and now live in Gainesville. Now we have had so many problems trying to get back on our feet, we spent almost $11,000 in moving from FL to NC and back, and we will never see that $$ again. THis has caused a lot of frustration on my part cause I take care of all the bill and trying to get ends to meet when they just won't is very stressful for me, especially since I do it alone. So I end up yelling at Paul and we get in these terrible arguments. He always said that it would destroy us.

It now has destroyed us, he told me 2 weeks ago that things are not working anymore between us, and that I stress him out too much. He says that we need to move on our separate ways and do what we need to do to accomplish the things we want out of life. He says that he is just one of those guys that can't strive to do things when he is comfortable in a relationship. I mean almost 6 years of my life and it's ALL DONE?!?!

I'm experiencing so much heartache right now, that i just cry uncontrollably. I've never been so miserable in my life and I am having such a hard time dealing with this. To make things worse we are still living in the apartment together til our lease is out on Nov 30th. I tried doing the friends thing, but it seems that all he keep doing in running. He keeps going out with all these differant girls and I can't help getting that feeling that most of the reason for the breakup is because he wants to experience things like "college life" in Gainesville. I've talked to his real close friend and he believes that Paul will go through this and he will be fine and we will end up getting back together. But I am so hurt by his actions of going out on dates, and spending late nights over this one girls house that he so "conveniently" just met the day after we broke up.

I'm just miserable and I know that I need to get out of her cause he is just basically rubbing it in my face with these girls. He said that is how he needs to deal with things. But what about the girl he promised a future with and promised to marry, how can he just throw that all away, and turn his back so suddenly. I know he's worn out from all the fighting, and I regret my yelling at him so much. It's just that I was raised in a house that was like that, and that is all I now. My parents are still together regardless. His parents fought all the time too, and he says he will not live in a house like that. His parents divorced when he was 12 and my friends believe that he may be carrying this with him cause he seems so scared of marriage.

Even so I do love him dearly and I want things to work out, even though they can't now...but what can't I do in the meantime?? Please help.

[soon2bfamous]

wow, he sounds like someone whos truly not worth your time, however, i understand what its like to love someone. follow your heart, but dont bruise it in the process. there are plenty of other guys who will treat you the way you want to b treated, but if you relaly feel that strongly for him, dont give up just yet...try talking to him one on one, and hopefully he will see where your coming from....

hope this helps

 

xoxoelleoxox

[Beec]

Welcome. Long post. But, the first you need to know is that you should not be begging or pleading with him to stay. If he wants to go, let him know he is free to go.

 

Then figure out what you want. Do you want him? Then grieve and stay away from him while you figure out what you need to do to get him back. To get him back, you will need to be in control of your emotions.

 

How to get over it, right now? You grieve. Grieving is a process, for which I understand there are stages.

(See: link removed, it is about pet loss, btu describes the stages of grieving; or link removed)

 

Otherwise, people here will tell you mostly to stay busy and try to keep your mind occupied. Not sure what else to tell you.

 

Good luck.

[lily676]

i can relate to what you are going through, i don't have any answers because i am still in the middle of everything myself ... i do know it will help to move out of the house where you lived together. nothing is worse than being surrounded by constant reminders of your life together if you are not together. good luck.

[Zipp]

My guy and I broke up in July and continued living together trying to be friends. He dated others and it hurt. Men find comfort in using women as a distraction, this has no reflection on you. The worst part was that I put myself on hold for him hoping he would wise up. Please don't make this same mistake, if it's meant to be things will work out.

 

We got back together at the end of September but just broke up again this Saturday. Basically he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and blamed me for being mad when he did things, even though now he can admit my reactions were justified. Living together beyond our break up was hell sometimes, but I made it through. When we got back together I was very happy, but a part of me knew there hadn't been enough time for anything to really change. I love him very much and although we have been together for 2+ years he wants to be single. Everyone is entitled to be happy but not at the expense of someone else's happiness. You guys definitely need some time and space. My ex and I made the mistake of thinking love would fix everything, it didn't.

 

It's sad that $$ and so many other outside forces can cause problems, but they do. Splitting up may be difficult but it will put things in perspective for you both. I hope things work out for the best. Keep an open mind about what that may be.

[SwEeTLiLGuRL]

I thanks you for all your words. I just really wish this guy hadn't changed as much as he did. He's all about going out now to clubs (things i like to do) and now he's all for it. I just really feel like I was lead on. I mean he promised me marriage a futute everything. He says he is just fed up now with everything. How do I make this easier for him? I really believe we should end up together. I just think he is trying to get the "going out" out of his system. Sorta sow his wild outs i guess. It just really hurts to see someone you still love sit there and fan themselves when a pretty girl walks by. Unfortunately I am the only one in the world that knows him best and I can understand why he is doing this.

[Zipp]

I feel the same way about my ex. You should be worried about yourself right now not him. My ex came home today after a fight on Sunday becuase he missed me. He pouted all morning, but I had to remind him that this situation was his doing not mine and that I just couldn't feel sorry for him. I am heartbroken and I still worry about him, so I know it's hard but we need to let it go. They are both grown men that are capable of taking care of themselves.

 

My ex is moving at the end of the month, it isn't what either of us wants, but I deserve better. He asked me to marry him and we talk about what we want our lives to be like all the time, I feel like I was lead on too. I know that this move will hurt me but it's the best thing right now. The same is probably true for you. One thing I have learned is that you can't force things, if it's meant to be it will be. Sounds silly but it's very ture. Be patient with yourslef, it took me a few months to get to this point and I still have trouble with it sometimes. I'm sure once he's gone I'll be a basketcase, but I have to move past this and so do you. Things will work out girl, just take it a day at a time.

[SwEeTLiLGuRL]

Update: Well we have moved out of our apartment as of last week. We still have contact with each other though almost everyday because we have so many things involved in each other's lives, unpaid bills, cell phones, insurance. All things that need to get taken care of. He calls me up to let me know of some things he found that are mine and asks me to come over and get them. Everytime we are around each other though we end up messing around, not sex though cause he says that we can't do that. Well last night he came over to drop some things off. I stood my ground. I told him no this is not good for us, and it doesn't help our situation. He is still "dating" this other girl. I told him that if the other girl was giving him what he wanted then he wouldn't even be there asking me for it. He denies this fact. I told him that he is not a one woman guy and told him that if he needs to do his guy thing that he needs to go out and find it, but that if he wants it from me he knows what he needs to do and I will make him wait like I did the first time. I don't know why he is playing these games. I obviously should get this guy out of my life as soon as possible but I still love him, and ever since the day we met knew we were meant to be. It's just a feeling that I can't explain you just know, and he has told me the same things. So I am hoping that this is a rough spot, but what can I do to help my situation now?

[angelkbfl]

Hi, I wrote a forum called "there is a light". IT SHOULD HELP YOU. Because girl, your situation sounds JUST like what happened to me and my ex through and through! There is a way to get all that love between you guys back, and not losing yourself in the process. Stop listening to the pessimistic crap, from other people saying that you and your love can never be. THEY ARE ALL WRONG, AND I CAN PROVE IT!!

 

Please reply to me and let me know if this helps you or if your are still confused. HAVE FAITH.

 

Just a Note- Not only do I think I can HELP you, but I feel that you can help me too. And because my secret that I imply in my life, my "ex" and I are GREAT terms. In addition, WE are in the process of getting back together! (I moved 2000 miles away from him, and now I'm moving back.)

Andrea (angelkbfl)

 

here is my secret:

 

link removed

[SwEeTLiLGuRL]

All I can say is that I really wished I had initiated NC...But it was so hard to. We live so close to eachother it is just to easy to go to eachother's houses. Things were fine for a little while we would talk fine, and yes we were still messing around... (NOT GOOD TO DO) but it got to the point where I was frustrated that are bank accounts and cell phones and stuff like that was still linked after asking him since the week after the breakup this needs to get done. Well I lost it one night and we had it out publicly. He said that he is embarrased to even know me, his sister who i got along so well with hates me now. Plus after all this, and after him tellling me he needed space from relationships and all, he is now serious with this girl he's been sleeping over with. It just sucks so much cause he felt that I needed to hear about how he repects her for not having sex with him yet, and how there relationship is based on so much more. He even tried cheapening our own relatioship and told me that in the very beginning our relationship was based on too much physical stuff. I spent 6 years with a guy to tell me that!?!? We were 16 what relationship isn't physical then?! But in addition to all of this Paul has said that there is one thing he knows in life and that is he is never going to come back, He said that there is nothing that can change that will make him. It's sad to hear him say this but it doesn't kill me like I would think it would. I just want to get on with my life now. I don't want to ever look back, he has brought sooo much pain in my life that I don't look at him in the same light again, does anyone have any advice or tips for me, on how to go on and how to stay away from him?

[PrincessLinzay]

Wow, that was harsh for him to say, but remember, people do say a lot of cruel things in anger.

 

I would definitely start NC and stick with it. Continuing to speak to him will only prolong the agony.

 

If he's with someone else right now, of course it's all wonderful and perfect! Most relationships are in the beginning. When the novelty wears off and reality sets in, that's when the axe falls.

 

It's difficult to move on from someone when they constantly have their foot in the door to your life. I would just slam it as hard as possible. If nothing else, it will hurt his foot! Lol. Get rid of any reason he might have to contact you. separate the bills, the cellphones, anything else. Then he can slip into the hole from whence he came and you can move forward. Start renewing old interests and hobbies, spend lots of time with friends, read good books, get back to the things that are important to you.

 

It will still hurt, but at least you can start to move forward in a positive light. Good luck hun!

[princess_fiona]

hey sweetie.. yes, you can get through this! believe in yourself and just keep reminding yourself that you're the better person!

 

my bf sounds a bit like your's too. we were together for 3 yrs and he was always the one who said he wanted to marry me.. he even got both our parents to meet.. and we always said we just had that 'feeling' when we first met..

but then he freaked out when he relaised he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't feel what he used to when we first dated.. and after a few months of stringing me along saying he doesn't know what he wants but just needs more time and space and asking me to trust him, i found out that he's gone 'serious' with another girl without even telling me anything... i found this out myself, but haven't contacted him at all about what i know because i just want to leave him be, set him free so he can find his own feet to the path that will lead to what's 'meant to be'.

it's hard.. especially when you had a clear picture of your future together that seemed to fit all perfectly..

but i honestly believe things happen for a reason and for the best of YOU always. so try to keep that positive hat on and try to make yourself feel amazingly great... then you never know, you might become soooo irrestible that you won't even remember who that guy was who messed around with you... or maybe that guy will learn a big lesson that you never miss a great catch once you've had it... because it won't come back easy again.

[SwEeTLiLGuRL]

Yes that is me smiling! and I never knew it to be possible. It's unimaginable that it is one year ago that I felt me life was over! But now I can't imagine what my life would be if we had stayed together. Let's see Paul did move in with his GF about 4 months of being together, which was hard. I tried No Contact and tried the friends thing. For awhile we just went back and forth being nice and being mean to eachother. We still had sex up until July, cheating jerk... But obviously I hadn't cared all that much, because hey I felt that she broke up my family.

There are many things that helped me get to where I am now though. In April, my fellow co-worked shared some strong feelings he had for me, told me the most wonderful things in the world...BUT he had a GF, and I was not about to mess up that relationship! But it helped me realize that another person could care for me just as much if not more that my EX, My co-worker and I are still the best of friends since this, and he is getting married soon, things were just not meant to be for us, but I think things worked out for the better!

But the real kicker to helping me get over my ex is to see the hurt that I was putting my family and friends through. They were so upset with me for keeping contact and still having sex with him, so much so that my best friend and I had a HUGE argument one weekend. That was a severe wake up call. I stayed away from Paul for 2 months, and not until just recently been speaking with him, but the only reason he is wanting to speak with me is because he and the new girl, just split, surprise, SURPRISE! Coulda called that one! So he keeps wanting to hang around me and be all lovey dovey, by holding hands and trying to kiss me. And he wants to know why we can't have sex since they are not together anymore!?!?! I can't believe I spent 6 years of my life with this guy!

I haven't had a relationship with anyone since, but I am enjoying my single life. I mean I've been with someone since 16, I did not get to do the single thing all through high school. I have reconnected with many of my friends that I never got to really spend time with. And realistically they are the BEST things to have in the world to get through this! I did not lose a single friend in all this but I might have if I had continued my destructive relationship with Paul.

All I can say is that if I can get through this, and be where I am now then anyone can! It also doesn't hurt if the guy is kinda jerky to help make that realization! Remember this person is the one that loved you enough to say they didn't want you around anymore. And moved on to another relationship that he thought would be better. So in closing...Keep your head up and realize the more important things in your life.

[Jodie23]

WOW..............I am so jealous of you, I can not wait to be where you are now, and hopefully I will be the feel the same as you in the way I cant believe I too spent 6 years of my life with (scarily enough) Paul. He is with someone new right now and I am depressed but I do try to remain positive, I havent spoke to him for 4 days lol I know its not long but it feels long enough to me. Also Paul thinks he too can just pop round when ever he feel like it and expect to sleep with me (cheating bugger) hey it must be the name lol. But I want to move on now, I mean why would I want to be with someone that hurts me this way. I never hurt him but maybe he wants someone that does hurt him.

 

I just cant wait until I am through with crying and when I am able to get on with my life without looking at my phone every second to see if he has called. Thank you for sharing your story

 

Jodie xxxx

[SwEeTLiLGuRL]

Through the help of all my friends and being able to discover myself with a year of being alone, I am exactly where I want to be! Paul and I still talk from time to time, just to catch up. He just got finished with boot camp and his MP program, so no actually seeing of eachother, (probably good for both of us!) We may meet up sometime down the road, but I am fine with how things are now.

 

I have found a true knight in shining armour. We've been together for about 7 months now, been living together for 5 of them. I have to say it was rough at first. We moved a little quick into our relationship due to the fact my roommates were moving and the long distance thing was just TOO hard!! I love Clark, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

My past relationship with Paul has just made me a better girlfriend for him. I've realized some of my mistakes, and some things that I needed to work on. There is still some things I haven't overcome (I love to raise my voice) But there is so much of a difference with this relationship. We communitcate our thoughts and feelings, a new thing for me. And Clark likes to yell back just as I like to. But we can get in the middle of the thick of it and realize "Wow this is just dumb."

 

Clark is 3 years out of a divorce from an awful relationship (honestly MUCH MUCH worse than my own ex-relationship) I have some issues with this from time to time because the 2 of them have a daughter together. But I know that Clark loves me. He's expressed this in many ways that are brand new to me! I have to say that I am greatful for my ex in that my experience with him has taught me to be a better person and girlfriend all around. Good Luck all, I wish you the happiness that I have found!