Mom's angry at me, not sure why?

[FairyGodmother]

My mother is Mexican, and Mexicans celebrate Mother's Day today. I would have loved to have been at home with her, but I go college an eight hour drive away from my hometown. I also had my last final today at 4 pm, so there was no way I would have ever made it back in time to do anything. In any case, I assumed my younger brother and dad would do something nice with her, so it wouldn't matter that much.

 

I was home last weekend though, so I left her a Mother's Day card in an envelope. I told her not to open it until today, and made sure she knew where it was. I bought it online by donating $10 to the Cystic Fibrosis foundation in her honor because my boyfriend has CF so I try to donate in as many ways as I can while still getting something out of it. It was a beautiful card - on the front it had a picture of a bouquet of flowers and it said "Happy Mother's Day"! On the inside I wrote my own personal message. It said, "Dear Mom, I hope you have a lovely Mother's Day! A mother only holds her children's hands for a little while, but she holds their hearts forever. I love you!". On the back I wrote that $10 had been donated to the CF foundation in her honor so that some mother or child with CF can have a chance to continue celebrating Mother's Day together for many years to come.

 

I was going to call her, or at least text her, today but I got so caught up in writing this essay that was due at the time of my last final (4 pm) that I completely forgot! After that I was trying to sort stuff out, and pack up because I'm leaving college tomorrow. My dad called to say hi, and that's when I remembered. So when he said, here I'll put mom on (the way he always does when he calls) it went like:

 

Mom: Hi

Me: Hi!!

Mom: How are you?

Me: Good!! Happy Mother's Day!

Mom: *muffled response* *angry muttering* *hands back the phone to my dad*

 

She didn't even reply, or say good bye. or anything! It made me really upset, so I asked my dad why she was angry. He said he didn't know. I texted my brother to ask him too; he said he thinks she was mad before I called, and that I didn't cause it.

 

I know there could be a million and one reasons she is mad that have nothing to do with me, but she really hurt my feelings with the way she acted on the phone. If you were a mom would you be angry at your daughter for not wishing you Happy Mother's Day until 9 pm even if she had left a card for you? I mean, I know it was terrible of me to forget temporarily, but at least I remembered at all?

[abitbroken]

Is your mom upset that you are not home, or upset that you made a donation for her?

 

If you made a donation, I would not have listed the dollar amount on it. And I would not have given that as the gift unless it is the recipient's cause, not yours. I have a relative who asks for donations to a mission in lieu of presents because they have everything they need, so that's what I do, but I also have done a small thoughtful thing like getting a copy or two of an old family photo they don't have that they would have wanted a copy of, etc, (and that's cheap to do). On the other hand, the nieces and nephews would have been upset that they didn't get something. It doesn't have to be anything expensive, but something.

 

When its your mother, I think that you should have bought flowers and given to her early or a small token. Flowers, pictures like I stated above, etc. Moms like that sort of thing unless your mom tells you otherwise. If you wanted to, you could have given it to her early, mailed it, or wrote a note, etc. that you would be hand delivering it on the American mother's day.

 

I would also just ask your mother what was up. Or indeed she could have been upset she was not wished a happy mother's day until 9 pm. I was upset when no one wished me happy birthday on my birthday until late.

[Seraphim]

Yes I probably would've been miffed that I was remembered as an afterthought at 9 o'clock.

[FairyGodmother]

@abitbroken

 

I have no idea why she is upset. Since she is likely to hang up if I call, I sent her a text asking her. No reply.

 

I thought donating to a good cause, and getting a lovely card from doing that was a good idea. In the future though, I will not be doing that. I personally would not be offended by it, but maybe my mother felt like the card was not all about her because my boyfriend has CF. I think that's kind of silly, but there you go. In addition, I will take your recommendation of not adding the dollar amount on it. I would never have left the price on a gift, but as it was a donation I thought it was different for some reason? In any case, I won't be doing that again either.

 

I didn't want to get her flowers because my dad is always the one to buy her flowers. A picture would have been a good idea though. Ah well, hindsight is always 20/20. I'll see if I can scrounge something together and give it to her as a belated gift.

 

To be honest though, I think Mother's Day has nowhere near the same importance as a birthday. I could understand if she was upset I hadn't wished her a Happy Birthday until late, but Mother's Day? Maybe I just don't know how much it actually means to her.

[FairyGodmother]

@Victoria66

 

But she's not an afterthought! I clearly planned ahead, by getting her a card and leaving it for her. How is that making her an afterthought?

[Seraphim]

So you think her being a mother is unimportant? That is a pretty rude message don't you think considering you're her child? You also made her Mother's Day card about your boyfriend not about her. She raised you your boyfriend did not raise you.

[Seraphim]

Take time to consider all she did in giving birth to you and raising you. To me that is worth more than a donation to your boyfriend's cause and a call at 9 o'clock. And a lack of understanding about why she would be upset.

[FairyGodmother]

What on earth? There's no need to put words in my mouth. I think her being a mother is plenty important. But I would like to think I demonstrate that to her every day of the year, and don't need some designated day to pressure me into it! I love her every day, all year round! I get her small tokens when I go places, I call her and text her to see how she's doing! I don't think I should be made to feel bad because on some made up holiday that I got her a card for, I forgot to call until later at night!

 

And in regards to the card, I think that's a terrible thing to say! The card is not about my boyfriend, it's a Mother's Day card for pete's sake! I'm not sure why it has evolved into something about my boyfriend just because he happens to have the chronic disease that I donated to for that card? What if it were for cancer, or AIDS? Is that such a terrible thing? To donate to a charity in order to get your mother a Mother's Day card as opposed to contributing to huge conglomerates with no respect for the environment, or fair working wages to their outsourced workers in third world countries???

 

It's all being made so much more complicated than it needs to be.

[abitbroken]

I agree with Victoria, you made it about you/your boyfriend. i would make donations for cystic fibrosis regularly on your own, but not as a part of a gift. Unless it was a cause your mom volunteered for and championed.

 

Other gifts could be a card you MADE, pictures, chocolates, you pampering mom by making dinner and desserts for her. getting a pedicure with her, etc.

 

If you had exames, I would have texted her as soon as you got up in the morning if it was way before she usually got up and then also called her first thing in the morning. I am sure you had 5 minutes before your exams to do so.

 

My mom wouldn't care if i called her at 6 am or 6 pm after working hours, but she would care if i didn't call until 9 pm unless i lived on the other side of the world and it was daytime there.

[Seraphim]

Mother's Day's are very important to mothers I'm sorry you don't understand that.

 

And Mother's Day is not about you championing a cause it's about her. As you said you like to use all kinds of opportunities to donate to your boyfriend's cause. So how is that about your mother?

 

You can donate any other time that you want but your mother's day should be about her.

[FairyGodmother]

@Victoria66's

 

She's lucky to get anything at all! She terrorized me for a great deal of my life. She called me a w**re, fat, useless, stupid, etc.! She physically beat me! She punched me in the eye, and gave me a black eye; she hit me so hard with brush that she broke my finger; she pulled my hair and beat me in the face with a hiking boot. THESE ARE TERRIBLE THINGS TO DO TO A CHILD. But since I am her child, I still love her, and do everything I can to appreciate the fact that she gave me life. So I think, given the generally strained relationship we have, that the fact that I even tried at all today should have been enough!

 

@abitbroken

 

I woke up at 7:30 am, and didn't want to wake her by texting since she gets up at around 10 am. Obviously that backfired, and next time I'll just text her as soon as I wake up.

[Seraphim]

Well since I don't know your story how would I know that? Right?

I can just tell you most mothers would have been miffed.

But in light of what she did to you as a kid if you don't want to celebrate Mother's Day then just don't.

I am sorry for what she did to you.

[abitbroken]

We are only troubleshooting. Victoria is a mom. She is telling you how SHE would feel as a mom. We don't know what your mom is actually thinking but just possibles.

 

I understand the every day of the year thing, but not all mom's think that way. Why not just talk to her??

 

There are many cards that don't contribute to conglomerates, just FYI. Just go on Etsy and support a small business or individual. You have a printer to make your own also. And there are many other charities that sell cards. And some of those cards are printed by conglomerates. So let's not make it about that.

 

Anyway - its not the fact on WHERE you purchased the card. I have purchased cards that charities were selling that had Christmas themes, or whatever on them and the causes name is printed discreetly on the back. It is the fact that maybe she was a bit miffed that the DONATION was her gift. If your mom was active in giving to charities, or volunteered for a cause, the donation WOULD be a great gift to her she would appreciate. I would be over the moon if someone donated to the cause *I* volunteered for. But if your mom is not like that - or it is not "her" cause, it is not really a gift FOR HER. Does that make sense??

[FairyGodmother]

@Victoria66

 

I don't want to treat her like a subpar mother, even though in my opinion she was one. So obviously, from these responses I did not make enough of a effort. Next year, I will not include CF donations, I will buy/make her some sort of trinket, and call her early in the day.

 

I am sorry for being defensive, these are probably exactly the reasons my mother is angry. I'm just not sure they're entirely fair. Thank you for taking the time to reply though.

 

Given what's been done, how can I fix it? How could your kid make it up to you?

[FairyGodmother]

Anyway - its not the fact on WHERE you purchased the card. I have purchased cards that charities were selling that had Christmas themes, or whatever on them and the causes name is printed discreetly on the back. It is the fact that maybe she was a bit miffed that the DONATION was her gift. If your mom was active in giving to charities, or volunteered for a cause, the donation WOULD be a great gift to her she would appreciate. I would be over the moon if someone donated to the cause *I* volunteered for. But if your mom is not like that - or it is not "her" cause, it is not really a gift FOR HER. Does that make sense??

 

I think this clarifies the issue for me more. I understand now.

[abitbroken]

Well - then maybe you shouldn't be so concerned that she didn't want to talk to you if she has not treated you well. It is par for the course. But just saying. Also the "she is lucky she got something she didn't want" is not the atitude to have. You have the choice to give her whatever you feel like giving her and not care at all about the outcome of it. Period. or you have to make "safe" choices that will inflame her the least and 99% of mothers would be over the moon about. And if anyone hears her complain about how bad it was, no one will agree with her.

[FairyGodmother]

@abitbroken

 

No, I don't want to stoop to her level, and I don't want to make her feel bad for not being a very good mother. You're right in saying that I was wrong in saying she's lucky, I just find it frustrating that I tried and she threw it right back in my face. I do try my best to do what I think any mom would appreciate, but since I don't have a good relationship with my mom, I'm not really sure what that is. Obviously, I am a terrible judge of that and probably should have just googled Mother's Day presents or something.

[ParisPaulette]

As a mother, no I wouldn't have been upset to hear from you at 9:00 p.m. when I know you're going to college and I know how hard the professors work you with their assignments. I would have been touched by your foresight and thoughtfulness with the card and making a donation to a worthy cause would've made me think as a mom that I have done something very right to have brought such a child into the world. That said, I know there are mothers out there who will not feel the same. If what you did was a drastic change from what she usually gets or mother's day then yeah she could be upset. Or it may be that she suddenly has woken up to the fact that her daughter is out there in the real world and she feels slightly threatened/lonely/sad that her role as a mother has changed since you are now out on your own and to some degree other forces--i.e. college and your BF have in her eyes at least become competition. Or she could just have been upset about something else already and you were just sort of there in the wrong place at the wrong time. Who knows. Did your brother and dad forget about the day as well? If so she may very well be feeling angry and neglected in general by all of you.

 

None of it's rational, but then anger usually isn't. At this point all you can do is a very lovely gesture by getting her something that you know she will love with a card or letter saying that you love and appreciate her and want her to know that. Then after that let it go and just continue to be a loving daughter. I will also say that menopause may be a factor, at least I know for my mother it was and she would flip out about the tiniest things when she was normaly one of the most mellow people I know. I just continued to show her love and affection and soon enough she was fine, apologetic and herself again once the hormone levels had calmed down. Not saying that is what's going on, but it might not help anyways.

[FairyGodmother]

@ParisPaulette

 

I appreciate your reply! This was basically how I thought my mother would react, but obviously I do not know her as well as I think I do! Looking back, I think that you are right about her seeing my boyfriend as a competition, so my donation card idea was a bad choice. I also think it's possible that my brother didn't get her anything, but I'm sure he must have at least said "Happy Mother's Day", and given her a card. In any case, I will definitely be buying her something she'll enjoy, and probably a new card too.

[Miss Firecracker]

She was being a butthead. Don't worry...you just had an error in judgment. I wouldn't treat my child that way because they forgot a day. I guess that is because I am very forgetful too.

 

I also wouldn't beat my kid in the face with a boot or break their bones.

[ParisPaulette]

She's lucky to get anything at all! She terrorized me for a great deal of my life. She called me a w**re, fat, useless, stupid, etc.! She physically beat me! She punched me in the eye, and gave me a black eye; she hit me so hard with brush that she broke my finger; she pulled my hair and beat me in the face with a hiking boot. THESE ARE TERRIBLE THINGS TO DO TO A CHILD.

 

Okay, with this new information I am now changing what I said before. Why was she so cold to you on Mother's Day? Simple, because the woman is an abuser and likely isn't really pleased that you are out on your own moving away from her abuse and control. Nothing you do say or don't is going to change her, because she has emotional and psychological problems. Frankly, she should have gone to jail long ago and you and your brother shouldn't have been near her until she'd gotten some serious therapy and realized she was going to be alone, unwanted and unloved unless she changed. Sorry, child abuse isn't something that goes away and honestly I'm not even sure therapy would help someone like this. I'm speechless. Seriously there are some people who do not deserve children.

 

Changing my earlier comments--she's lucky you even give her the time of day.

[petite]

That's terrible (oh her behalf) and I think you didn't really do anything wrong. You bought her a card and you left it for her a week ahead of time knowing you wouldn't be around. You're away at college and you were working on your essay. I think we can all agree that yes you could have called her on the actual day earlier but you forgot (it happens, it's not the end of the world and it isn't like it's her birthday), still doesn't mean you completely forgot Mother's Day because you bought her a card anyway and wrote a lovely message. Plus you spoke to her on actual Mother's Day even if it wasn't at 9am but rather 9pm.

 

I think she was just being mean and ungrateful. If people have children so that those children have to give back constantly throughout their lives and if somehow they don't or forget they are made to feel like crap well then they should really rethink their reasons for having children in the first place. You didn't ask to be born, that was her (their) choose, so parents should really stop making it all about "well I raised you, I gave birth to you bla bla bla yea yea, she did, but because SHE wanted to. If she was doing it so that later she gets to throw it in your face or use that as a reason for you not doing something, then she's a lousy mother.

 

I read this post to my own mother and she was shocked that your mom would be so ungrateful. She also said she should have been proud to have raised a daughter that purchased a card knowing the funds would to go a charity and wasn't just a Hallmark throwaway.

 

Considering I am pregnant and will be a mother (I get a say too! lol) I think it isn't a big deal. I think Mother's day is important but I also think there are other more important celebrations, like a mother's birthday, actual day of birth for that special mother. I would be happy to just receive a hard or handwritten note from my child because it is the thought that counts. I'd also be proud that my child was working on her schoolwork instead of leaving it to the last minute.

 

You didn't make it about the boyfriend, you donated to a cause that's important to you and there is nothing wrong with that it's actually admirable.

 

She completely went overboard. And she should be lucky she got the card considering I read your old post about the abuse. A mother like that wouldn't get even a bloody card from me never mind anything else. (My mother agrees)

She's just trying to emotionally punish you now, don't worry about it, you did nothing wrong.