RELATIONSHIP ANXIETY DISORDER: Symptoms and Advice

[faerietale]

"There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we are open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully be open to our ability to love others.” ~ John Lennon

 

Derived from General Anxiety Disorder, Relationship Anxiety is an unofficial diagnosis, but it is very common in today's relationships. Some of the symptoms and behaviors include:

 

• Excessive or inappropriate jealousy
  
• Either being overly needy or clingy, or
  
• Being aloof and disinterested
  
• A constant need for reassurance from their partner
  
• Testing their partner
  
• “Push pull” behavior (a pattern of disrupting and reestablishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.
  
• Emotional volatility or impulsivity.
  

 

These are some of the factors contributing to Relationship Anxiety:

• 
  
• Negative early dating experiences going back to adolescence.
  
• Insecure attachment with primary caregiver during infancy.
  
• Self-loathing (a particularly extreme form of low self-esteem)
  
• Fear of intimacy (anxiety over allowing oneself to be emotionally vulnerable)
  
• Fear of rejection.
  

 

As an avid reader and occasional contributor to this forum, I've noticed that a lot of people (like myself) are suffering from Relationship Anxiety one way or another. Often, people with RA would rather be in a relationship than not be in one, but when we are involved with someone, the anxiety sabotages the relationship because issues of doubts, insecurities, and fears are viciously telling us that the relationship either is doomed or is going to be doomed. We always question whether we love the person we are with or if that person loves us, and we need the constant validation, assurance and control. Even when we do receive the assurance, validation and control, we ever feel safe. We continue the cycle and allow our fears to damage not only our relationship but our self-esteem, confidence, security and perspective on what relationships should be.

 

I've suffered from this throughout the years and never even heard of it until recently. I've often wondered why my past relationships didn't work and why my new relationship now is so wonderful yet I am always fearful and doubtful.

 

Please share your stories and questions here. If you have tips on how to overcome the anxiety, please share!

[faerietale]

My tips that have been working for me so far:

 

- THERAPY.

- COMMUNICATION. I know it is difficult, but ALWAYS communicate your needs, concerns and wants. Don't be demanding but allowing that person to understand you is a great way of easing your anxiety. It keeps you guessing less and knowing more, which is what we thrive for.

- PATIENCE. This is EXTREMELY difficult to achieve. I am still learning to be patient without panicking and allowing negative thoughts to consume me.

- UNDERSTANDING. As frustrating as it is for you, it is as equally frustrating for the other person. The constant worries, the anxiety, the frustrations, the neediness, the fears, the insecurities- these emotions are all affecting the other person as well and if you don't think it's fun dealing with anxiety, imagine how the other person must feel.

- POSITIVE SELF TALKS. When I am in one of those moments where I feel my anxiety coming on, I take a deep breath and I self-reflect. I try hard to not let the negatives consume me, but if and when it does happen, I try hard to let positive thoughts in and take back control.

- SLEEP. If you can't control the situation, then no matter how much you worry, it's not going to change. I just sleep and allow myself to just relax and when I wake up, even though sometimes it's hard to wake up and face reality, I allow myself solitude and peace while I sleep.

-WORK OUT. Take all the anxiety and punch it in the face by having a good work out. Go home, take a nice shower, and just go on with your day. I take anxiety to the gym with me, and I leave without it.

[SpottiOtti]

I agree with all of your suggestions, and would also like to add:

 

* Have a life outside the relationship. Do not let it be your only social outlet, and do not put your life on hold for the relationship.

 

I think communication is very important also, and would like to point out something I've noticed about myself and some people on this forum: Before you can communicate your needs effectively, you have to understand them and not feel as though there is something wrong with you for having them. There's a lot of shame on this forum in people who seem to feel they don't have the right to want what they want from a relationship.

[blueshoes]

Oh my, this is such crazy timing faerietale! I came back on here after a long time hoping to find some help on this topic.

 

I have always had a pattern of falling for someone very quickly and becoming quite attached, only to feel abandoned and lonely if I don't see them often enough or if I get the smallest whiff of disinterest on their part.

 

I had a very confusing childhood, where my mother relied on me for emotional support and would act like my best buddy, only to abandon me emotionally when she would have a new boyfriend in her life. She also used to pretend to leave me forever, when things would get tough for her. She would yell out to me as she would get in to her car that any sirens I would hear would be the ambulance coming to collect her dead body. And I would cry for hours until she returned. So yeah, I'm guessing you can see a pattern there.

 

I've been with my current boyfriend for just over 2 years now, but we had been good friends for about 4 years before we got together. We have our ups and downs, but I seem to freak out quite often that maybe this relationship isn't right for me, or that maybe he's losing feelings. What you wrote explained me perfectly:

 

"Often, people with RA would rather be in a relationship than not be in one, but when we are involved with someone, the anxiety sabotages the relationship because issues of doubts, insecurities, and fears are viciously telling us that the relationship either is doomed or is going to be doomed. We always question whether we love the person we are with or if that person loves us, and we need the constant validation, assurance and control."

 

And what many people may think is, "well maybe he isn't the right person for her to be in a relationship with?" and that's a fair assumption to make. But my problem is that on the most part he is supportive, caring and sensitive (among other good qualities). He also has a tendency to pull away sometimes and act distant/moody when he feels stressed about something. When the latter happens, 80% of the time I freak out. A lot of the time I don't let him know that I'm upset and affected by his mood, but sometimes I do let it show. It has become a complaint of his that he can't rely on me to not become emotional when he's very busy and stressed with work. So I want to sort this crap out for him, but mainly for my own sanity because I am so sick of feeling like an open wound.

 

I just feel like I can't take any sort of criticism or disappointment from him, it literally hurts me inside my chest, like I have completely failed as a person. Like tonight he seemed a little bit annoyed by some holiday arrangements I had made for us, I got a small detail wrong. It wasn't a big deal, but I took it so personally I had to go upstairs and cry...and this is why i'm here now.

 

Another frustrating factor is that I suffer with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) so it means that nearly every month, I can become emotionally unstable. The mental and physical symptoms can make life difficult, but this is all part of my current self discovery process and yet another instigator of me making positive changes in my life.

 

Things I have been doing to try and help:

 

* I saw a psychiatrist last year about my childhood issues. It helped at the time, but I feel like it's all coming back and I need to readdress it.

* I exercise three times per week ( I have chronic back pain from a broken tailbone injury so I can't push it)

* I try to catch up with a girlfriend once per week, but I've let this slip lately because I'm very busy so I need to get back on top of this

* My eating habits are very healthy and nutritious, I'm a believer of how foods can really affect your mood (I eat mostly vegetables, legumes, a little fruit and dairy)

* I just enrolled myself in an acting class, so this will be a creative way for me to escape, also another social outlet outside of the relationship

* I'm learning to breathe much more slowly and meaningfully more often

* I've gotten much better at thinking before I speak

* I've become better at "self mothering" but still need to improve on that

* I'm putting time in to my own photography hobby

* I ask for his advice much less (I still ask sometimes, but I rely on my own judgement more)

 

To put it harshly, I want to give less of a s*** about what he thinks. There, I wrote it. He has no guilt in doing his own thing, saying what he feels or thinks, doesn't seem remorseful if he makes a mistake or upsets me, so why the hell should I?

 

I want to know more about your situation faerietale! Only if you want to share, of course. Also, have you found much information out there about relationship anxiety disorders? I guess because it isn't a "real" disorder there wouldn't be much to come accross, but let me know, I love reading up on this kind of stuff.

[blueshoes]

I found this article about "attachment styles" to be really interesting, I haven't finished yet as I need to sleep, link removed

 

But there was a link from that article to a quiz which helps you find your attachment style, mine being a score of 4.40 (1 being low anxiety in attachment and 7 being high). A really interesting comment on my result was this: "Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships."

 

I feel like that describes me so well! While I enjoy opening up and becoming close to someone, I feel like I constantly am preoccupied with worries and thoughts and concentrate on the negative things in the relationship, rather than the positive things which make the relationship good.

 

You can take the quiz here: link removed

[faerietale]

BlueShoes,

 

I am so glad that this thread is helping you! I've been suffering from this for so long and yet never even thought that there was a "condition" to be explored. I've always thought that it was just me over analyzing things too often or being too sensitive. I've been doing some research here and there but haven't had much time to do too much. I know there are actual forums out there for people dealing with anxiety and it does reflect relationship anxiety as well. However, I'd be careful going into those forums because talking to a group of people suffering from anxiety may be a great thing, but it could also be a bad thing.

 

Your situation is very similar to mine! My boyfriend is also VERY busy and when he's under a lot of stress, he pulls away and becomes very moody. In the beginning of the relationship, I took this as a sign of him being cold, distant and no longer interested in me. I took it very hard and would cry to myself all the time. What makes it harder is that his work requires him to travel a lot for weeks or months at a time, so that leaves me with even more anxiety dealing with the distance, communication issues and the lack of his presence. When we get into little arguments, his remarks would mean so little to him, but because of my anxiety, the little remarks would escalate as I dwell on it and in the end, I end up feeling tormented and hurt even though he had NO IDEA that it affected me that way. When I talk to my friends about it, they would ask me why I took it so seriously or offensively when it wasn't meant to hurt me. I guess when you have anxiety, your insecurities and fears play into any small criticism and make it into a mountain of criticisms.

 

Because I am a control freak (my way of dealing with the anxiety) I would often pressure my boyfriend into giving me answers, assurances, validations etc. Not just on the big things, but the small things as well.

 

I was talking to someone about anxiety on this forum and that person mentioned how she would always hang on to the last piece of interaction/communication she had with her boyfriend, especially if it was a bad one, and forget everything good about the relationship, and would just focus on that one negative moment. Example, She would then based everything off of that one negative interaction and it would heighten her anxiety because he no longer cared for her if he didn't call her in the last 4 hours etc.. This happened quite frequently with me. When my boyfriend and I argue, I would base our entire relationship on that one last thing he did/say that hurt me instead of remembering all the wonderful things we've shared or amazing things he's done for me. Such a horrible state to be in, right?

 

I took that quiz (thanks for posting it!) and my score was a 5.8

[faerietale]

Spottioitti: You are completely right on having a life outside of the relationship. I found that being my own individual, no matter how messy that is, is always better than being just the girlfriend.

[lovinggirl]

Faerietale and Blueshoes, I really feel you. Thank you for posting here, it made me feel less insane. I also have the same problems with my bf. I become oversensitive to every words he say, every disappointment is overwhelming that makes me cry.

Like example, he promised we're going to have a nice dinner for his birthday (my treat, all he had to do was giving me a date), but he kept changing his mind because of work and finally I was so upset and cried and told him that he's putting work first before me, I'm not important, he's not keeping his promises. All these past hurts came. My bf was like, "Please don't be like that...you're over-reacting." once he said that, I became more and more irritated.

 

Sometimes he also become distant and avoidant. If I'm pouring my anxieties and insecurities to him and he became distant, I would freak out and become more and more anxious. My therapist advised me many many times that I need to put myself above everything else. I have to practice self care and most important is Boundaries. Even when I'm anxious, upset, mad at my BF, I still need to get sleep (I can't sleep if I'm anxious abt it). I need to be able to calm myself down instead asking my BF to calm me down like what I've been doing.

 

It's hard, it's really hard...also, it's my first time experience this. Maybe because I really love my BF and he had that qualities in him that always trigger my anxiety. I also have thoughts many times, maybe he's not the one for me and this is not relationship for me. The choice is on me now, either I want to step out of my comfort zone and deal with my issues, or find someone else that will not give me these anxieties. Thoughts?

 

PS : I also have PSDD, and I would be more frantic....My therapist also suggests me taking birth control many many times, but I'm afraid because I want to have a baby and even she's been convincing me that so many people will get pregnant once they stop BC, I'm still worried and think "better not try than regret later"

[blueshoes]

Ahh faerietale and lovinggirl, we're all so similar!

 

I have to say though, I have gotten better at dealing with the relationship anxiety and I feel like it will get better with more time. But the fact is, I still experience it more than I ought to.

 

What you wrote, faerietale, "she would always hang on to the last piece of interaction/communication she had with her boyfriend, especially if it was a bad one, and forget everything good about the relationship, and would just focus on that one negative moment." is so true to me as well! And it makes me feel like such a spoiled brat.

 

For instance, my boyfriend could have cooked me dinner the last few nights and been very cuddly and talkative. Then one morning he might all of a sudden be very quiet and distant, which if I'm in a bad place could send me in to a tail spin and I only focus on the fact that he's "always getting in to a bad mood" (which isn't true). It's so frustrating!

 

I'm wondering if I should go to a relationship counselor by myself, to try and learn ways of dealing with this anxiety. I mean sure, my boyfriend contributes unhelpful behaviours in the relationship, but I really feel like my anxieties take the cake.

 

Faerietale, my boyfriend goes away for work sometimes too, but not for weeks or too frequently. Usually just a week every second month or so. But what I've found that helps is making a list of all the things I want to do while he's away. And I actually enjoy the time to myself! The list could include meeting up with several friends, trying a new interesting recipe for dinner, working on a creative project, vacuuming the floors etc etc so you feel accomplished when you tick each task off.

 

Oh and lovinggirl I'm sorry you have PMDD too. The pill does help some women, but I'm very anti anything that messes with your hormones. I used to be on the pill, but am trying to do it the "natural" way. It can be tough, but I feel like it's making me know my body and my mind much better, which I guess is all part of me being my own person and not focusing on the relationship so much.

[Batya33]

I think that for some people -maybe many -what they think is relationship anxiety is really about being with the wrong person and/or not being ready to be the right person for a long term relationship. I think for me it ended up being mostly that because the times I felt anxious in my current relationship were very manageable and overshadowed by the secure and comfortable foundation/connection I felt for my partner. In the long term relationship I had before I was with my husband, my anxiety would be overwhelming and could be triggered by the most seemingly minor situations or interactions with my boyfriend -and sometimes just by my constant overthinking.

[faerietale]

LOVINGGIRL,

 

Glad you found this thread. Feel free to continue participating so we can help each other. To answer some of your questions and concerns.

 

The birthday thing with your boyfriend. My advice for you is to take it easy. I know you mean well and you want to make him happy, but you're adding more stress and pressure on him AND on YOURSELF. If he's busy working, it is not his fault. I am sure that he wants to celebrate with you, but perhaps his birthday is not as important to him as his work is. You have to not take this personally and understand that it has NOTHING to do with you. If it was YOUR birthday, then yes, you have a valid reason to be upset, but even then, you may not need to be that upset. The thing I learned from my relationship is this, it is best to take a step back, take a deep breath and assess every situation before letting your anxiety kick in. Ask yourself, is this something that I should be concern about or is this something that is out of my control? The birthday thing is out of your control since your boyfriend has a hard time adjusting/controlling his work hours. Therefore, instead of making it difficult for both you and him, do this, let him know that you would love to celebrate him and tell him to let you know when he's free. Then, take a step back and LET HIM tell you when he's free. That way, he could look forward to being with you versus feeling even more stress when he's with you.

 

Next, when you pour your anxiety and insecurities into him, it is a BIG mistake. When you feel anxiety, stress and fear, TRUST ME when I say that your boyfriend is feeling the same thing but he is not expressing it. By distancing himself from you, he is trying to ease that anxiety, stress and fear. I am not saying for you to not express yourself or your feelings, but there's a fine line between communicating to ease your anxiety versus lashing out at him because you are anxious thus making him feel anxious too. In the end, no one wins and the relationship crumbles.

 

"Find someone who will not give me anxiety." This would be ideal, but you have to understand that the anxiety comes from your internal turmoil, not the other person. Therefore, even if you find your ideal man and he is doing EXACTLY everything you want him to, you will still have anxiety because those feelings do not just go away if it is something that you have to work on YOURSELF to fix. Remember, it is NOT your boyfriend's fault. He is not the main cause of your anxiety. of course, if your boyfriend is treating you horribly, then yes, he needs to go, but if you reflect deep down inside and know that you have a wonderful man beside you, don't let your anxiety ruin that.

[faerietale]

BLUESHOES

 

My boyfriend would always remind me that it is not personal when he's moody or distant. Sometimes, work affects him so much that he just shuts down. Men have a harder time expressing themselves than women and men don't have a lot of outlets to express themselves either. If they're having a rough day at work, they can't just call up their friend and talk about it. If they're going through relationship issues, they can't just call their friends and vent. When my boyfriend gets moody, I back off. I do my thing. If we're in the same space, I leave the room and go do something else. I would rather have him work out his issues on his own the way he wants to then to be in his face or force him to talk about it and cause more problems between us. There was a time when my boyfriend was upset at this driver behind him who flipped him off. After getting into a confrontation with that driver, he drove away extremely agitated and angry. I said something and he snapped at me. I didn't say anything but when we got back to his place, I told him that I am going to leave for a bit because he is not in a good mood and he is taking it out on me when he shouldn't be. He didn't know what to say but when I came back, surely, he was in a much better mood and I didn't have to get in his face about it.

 

Yes! I do the same thing you do when he goes away. I get back in touch with friends and family. I started going to the gym (something I've never done before) and I LOVE it! He's proud of me too because I'm working on my health (even though I'm very thin). When I do get anxious and start to miss him, I read over our texts and look at pictures to remind myself how lucky I am to have found him. I've never been in a relationship where I had to deal with distance and separation, but it is somewhat helpful for me to focus on myself and (ironically) deal with my anxiety since I can't avoid it anymore.

[lovinggirl]

faerietale, how do you manage to go to sleep when you have anxiety? I couldn't sleep and I would be miserable the next day. Not only that, I feel depressed and I don't want to do anything even going to the gym, an activity that I used to love.

[faerietale]

When I first started to get these anxiety, I couldn't sleep. I'd lie in bed and these thoughts wouldn't leave my head. I'd play out different scenarios, different solutions, different methods, different endings, just anything that would be better than my reality. I'd dread the sound of my alarm because it meant starting a new day all over with the same anxiety, and sometimes even worse than yesterday because now I'd have to face the day and deal with the anxiety. When I get out of bed, I don't want to do anything. I go out and the world becomes this ugly place that I don't want to deal with. These feelings and thoughts are definitely signs of depression.

 

What I do now when I do get anxious is that I give myself the assurance. I tell myself, tomorrow is going to be hard to face, but tomorrow is another day that something BETTER could happen. Tomorrow is another opportunity for things to change. I tell myself, today was tough. I had to go through this and that, but today is done. I am going to just reflect on it for a few moments, let out all the emotions, and then I am going to get some rest that I deserve and know that tomorrow is going to be different. I then reflect on the all the positive thoughts. Ex: If my boyfriend did something I didn't like today such as not responding to a situation the way I'd want him to, I tell myself, well look at all other wonderful responses he has been giving to other scenarios. I remind myself how I felt when he did those things and how happy he made me and assure myself that the anxiety is just TEMPORARY. Just because today sucked does not mean that tomorrow is going to continue to suck. And you know what, even if tomorrow does suck, you are never going to be prepared for that, so why bother? Let me rest now so that I will find my energy to deal with tomorrow instead of exhausting my energy from today and then have nothing left for tomorrow.

 

UPDATE on my situation.

 

I spoke to my boyfriend today and explained to him briefly about relationship anxiety. I asked him how he felt when I do get anxious and stressed. He told me that he gets concerned but he knows that there's nothing he can do since it is something internal that I must figure out myself. I asked him about a situation that happened not too long ago when he made me felt anxious. He told me that he didn't mean to make me feel that way and would never purposely do so, but there were and will be things he cannot control and would try his best to be more considerate. I told him that I would work hard on dealing with my anxiety because even though certain things he's done and will do might trigger my anxiety, he is not the source of it. I am the source of it. I think by talking to him freely about it, it helped us a lot because he was able to get my perspective on it and we both know we mean no harm to the other person.

 

Then he asked me if I was happy. He said that I didn't seem happy so he wanted to know. I don't know why when he asked me that I teared up. I guess it caught me off guard. I remembered the saying, "only you yourself can make you happy," and right now, my source of unhappiness is within myself, not him. So I guess I am telling you guys this so that you can clearly define where your happiness, frustration and stress are at. Sometimes, it is easier to make someone else responsible for our feelings but it takes a bigger person to own up to it. I think our significant others will HIGHLY appreciate this and visa versa.

[kipica]

Hi,to introduce mysfelf,i am 18 and half years old and have broken up with my first love,which was perfect in every way, after year and 3 months.

 

So it al started like this:

 

I met her 3 years ago when we were first grade of middle school.We met while we were going to regional biology competition.We talked a little but that's it.I didn't find her attractive the then.In second grade,i started to go out with her and friends from her class,and she liked me,i knew that but i didn't like her.So during summer she kinda lost her feelings for me.In third grade,i started getting attracted to her,physically.So one night on our friends birthday party we made out,and ,day after that , i suggested that we could be friends with benefits because i didn't want to hurt her as i wasn't sure whether it would work out if we started a relationship.Then,we met each other more often because we live close to each other and this friends with benefits thing kinda just progressed into relationship without us knowing.One night i told her that i love her when i was at her place at night.But this year things got out of control.

 

So,while we were at the same friends party again but this year,he invited some sorry to say 'ty' girl.I kinda felt like i would do something if i werent with my girlfriend and felt bad about it.Day later i told her about that and she said that doesnt mean anything so i got over it and felt happy.At the same month couples we knew started breaking up and i felt uneasy.I started thinking a didn't love her and,the biggest problem i think,a started to like one girl from school.I would say it is anxiety from all the things i am yet going to describe so just read along.Firstly,that girl was into me while i was in 7th grade of first school but i wanted nothing with her.In 8th grade,i started to like her but it passed away.She enrolled the same middle school as me and my girlfriend and she went in the same class with her.I liked her once again when i was in first or second middle schoold grade.Now,to get back to the problem,i always masturbated on my girlfriend or other girls before,it didn't matter to me so much although i found it kinda unfair to my girlfriend to masturbate to other girls and had a little guilt about it before.So i started to masturbate on that girl for some time(few days,a week or more ,dont know exactly),and i started to like her again and my mind went crazy because of that i felt really guilty and like a monster,i felt despair.Although i like her,a wouldnt care if she was with someone else or,sorry to say again,died,because she meant nothing to me.Me and my girlfriend talked about this things a lot,i can tell her everything and she will understand and be her with me,she really is perfect.

 

So,i started to think would i be better off with this other girl than with my girlfriend,although now i dont want to do anything with her nor ,as i said,did care about her before,i just compared her to my girlfriend and guessed ,calculated ,drove myself crazy about whether i would get better with het although i know my girlfriend is perfect in every way.Only thing i can say is that before we started dating she already had sex with unknown guy,but a got over that and didn't matter to me before,and now i can use this as a plus for the other girl.I hate myself for doing that.

 

Other things i am also obsessed is whether she is the right one.I am not kind of a men who likes one night stand.From the beginning i was afraid whether i am doing everything bad for both of us,whether this can last and i forced myself to last, didnt want it to end,was afraid that i would start to like some other girl,part of it because she loved me so much and i started to love her so much that and all was perfect and i didnt want it to end.When my anxiety caught me, i started to think that it is doomed,that it couldnt work from the beginning beacuse i started to like her(phsyically firstly) year and half after she started to like me.I also ,at the beginning of the anxiety,didnt know whethet i love her but later found out i did and i do still and she still is everything for me.I cried around 30 times in this period of relationship anxiety (it lasted 2 and half months,up to now), i cried hour ago because i dont wanna lose her,i am afraid she is the best for me and always will be but while we are in relationship i just cant stop thinking that the other girl is better and calculating but she cant be.I think that my fright which i had from the beginning that this relationship would end destroyed all this,but i dont know what to think.I just need something to tell me that she is the one i can live my life with( although you maybe think it is early,a really want this,because if i have a relationship i want it to last,this is my first relationship and i dont want to go into relationships if i think they dont mean future for me and my partner),that this things happen or pass,something i could use to get back with my girlfriend who is so patient and waited all this time,i really want to have back the happiest days of my life,the ones i had with her.Nothing mattered,just me and her.It was really perfect.

 

She is also the girl i had my first sex with.She has bigconnected family and i find that really nice.Everyone from the wider family(uncles,aunts ,grandma,grandpa etc.) meet about once in 2 months 8(30-40 of them) and that seems amazing,i would like to be part of thah

So things i thought,maybe we spent to much time together(although i dont think so,maybe but i doubt it).We see each other every day for about 5 hours and talk via Whatsapp often when we arent together.

Maybe i am just not ready for this,i dont know.

In a month,she is going on vacation.Whole family comes to big house on Pag(Croatia island,btw i am from Croatia) and i cant stand her going out and enjoying herself without me being there.It urges me to cry.I really miss her.

 

Please,if you can help in any way.I just want us to be happy,i dont want this other girl although i cant get over it that she could be better.I sleep really bed this whole 2 and half months,cant learn for my middle school graduation well ,but i only care about us.I would give up on everything,really everything if we could be happy like before.I dont want to let her go,but if i must i dont see choice.Now that we have broken up,we said we will be best friends,but i already miss her and she misses me.Hope is my only chance.I know thah time heals all wounds but i dont want this to be a healed wound.I want her to be my life.

 

Thank you all very much,i appreaciate all advices.And i hope i will get through this hardest days of my life.I cant think straight because my mind is always on her,but if we started realtionship again,a know i would me forced to end it like i had today because my anxiety.

 

P.S. i already whole bunch of stories in ''Working through Relationship Anxiety - Stories and Advice'' topic,but non dealed with someone else getting into your mind.

 

Now,no more digressions,thank you very much

[johndoe13]

Funny read my thread about avoidant girlfriend. I think I have this anxiety issued only to be compounded with a girlfriend that is extremely secure in the relationship!

[Pchmse69]

I feel like I wrote all of the posts about feeling needy and insecure. I definitely have anxiety and only about my relationship!! Like in day to day life I handle my stress a lot better than I do with my guy. And it's about ridiculous things!! I'm always so afraid to drive him away and that is exactly what I am going to do. I have been seeing a counselor, and she is great bc she has had anxiety attacks as well. I try to write things down and invalidate them. And show myself how ridiculous I am being when I get so upset. It helps some, but I still slip up from time to time. He does understand about anxiety. He's had panic attacks before so I think if I can get mine under control we would be a great match. As long as I get it under control. I'm still wondering, has anyone had a great relationship with this??? Or are we all just doomed to drive away the people we love!?!?

[spiritbrite]

I understand how you guys feel more than you know. There is alot of good advice here, a plethora of it. I really feel for all of you..what you are describing is what Ive been through my entire life, and its incredible to know that I am not the only one. I feel alot better after reading, and will take the advice into mind. Thank you, all of you

[East4]

Courtesy to Psychology Today magazine. The conclusion is that selfish/narcissictic partners trigger abandment issues in insecure people, which makes it for a very bad match. Insecure people tend to fall for unavailable partners to repeat the childhood trauma and unconcisously try to fix it. But they fail. For insecure people, they have to mate with stable and available partners that will not trigger their abandment issues, that are at the root of the needyness and anxiety. Look at the example of Samantha and Thmas. I tend to agree with Batya, that if you feel anxious with your partner, it means that this partner is not good for you.

 

***********************************************************

Why Nice People Cling to Bad Boys (or Girls)Are you clinging to a narcissist?

Published on August 6, 2012 by Mark Banschick, M.D.

 

You don’t consider yourself clingy, but you find yourself obsessing too much about the relationship. You ask yourself: “Why am I doing this?”

 

You married a really solid guy and now a few years later, he’s always complaining and it feels tiresome. You ask yourself: “Why is he acting like such a baby?”

 

Intimacy is a gift and a curse. It is the way of things. When intimacy works, we’re in bliss. Love opens the door for real happiness.

 

Yet, over time, intimacy also opens us up to our wounds, our pains and our fears. For some it’s angry intimacy, for others it’s co-dependent intimacy, etc. Here, we will return to a discussion of neediness. It’s destructive and there’s a lot you can do about it.

 

Nature vs. Nurture: We all have psychological wounds from early life, some more and some less. For many, it can be because of a reactive nature. You experienced more hurt or rejection because you were wired to react more than others and developed a narrative of damage.

 

Or, you may have had an environmentally imposed injury; your father was abusive or unavailable, your mother was depressed or your older sister was favored and you were second best. Most often the wounds from childhood are a combination of nature and nurture.

 

Then, you go through life having sealed over these wounds. Human beings are remarkably adaptive. You go to college, get a job, date without problems and then you fall in love and enter a truly intimate relationship.

 

Here’s the rub: With true intimacy, you’re in touch with love, and yet, the door to these early wounds open up.

 

“I obsess too much about my boyfriend. I can’t help it.”

 

Deep in your soul, if you feel second best in some way, you’ll worry that he or she will leave you. That is the start of the obsessive life of clingy intimacy.

 

It Starts with Falling in Love: In The Narcissistic Ex series we described the narcissistic personality, which can be found in both men and women. Whether it is an egotistical preoccupation with self, success, aspirations, desires, and how others perceive one—these can all fall under the category of a narcissistic being. While such people can be compelling, they are a terrible match for someone who is clingy.

 

Dependency can fuel and intense romantic link because egoists love to be desired and crave admiration, while the clingy partner supplies that need. It all feels magically grand and urgent. After all, “this relationship is so unique and powerful.”

 

Here’s the problem: Clingy lovers are insecure, but it's often latent and they’re not aware of it.

 

If you’re a well-adjusted adult you’ve probably covered up the hurts of childhood quite well. So, intimacy with a brilliant, but arrogant partner can hit you hard. Over time this wonderful love affair can trigger your worst fears, because if your beloved has some of these problems, you may be involved with someone who can’t really love you.

 

The narcissist loves being in love. They are not in love with you, but in love with being in love with you. This is a crucial point. You may love him, and feel loved, but the drama of this love may not have the depth that you require. And, once embedded in the field of intimacy, you feel trapped – and anxious.

 

And, he or she may just feel annoyed.

 

The relationship between a narcissist and someone with latent neediness may initially thrive. Often a romantic, he'll shower his partner with love and compliments - and she'll respond in kind. The sex and intimacy can be amazing. Quickly, their relationship will blossom into a whirlwind romance; and love is blind.

 

Yet, before you know it, things become unbalanced as our hypothetical egoist begins to lose interest and the needy partner yearns for more. He’ll criticize, she’ll obsess and he’ll imagine a better love elsewhere. The intimacy will fizzle and slowly begin to disappear. This results in a lot more clinginess.

 

Example: Samantha, a woman in her mid 20s, with less than conscious abandonment issues. She was brought up by her mother, and has only faint memories of her father who left the family when she was in grade school. Samantha began to display clingy elements early on in her childhood. She had strong fears of being left alone.

 

Through her teens, these fears abated, and Samantha matured nicely into adulthood unencumbered (at least she thought) by her wounds.

 

Samantha met Thomas at an art gallery. She was drawn to his charisma and ability to shine in the room, let alone his good looks. He also found Samantha attractive and asked her out for drinks that evening. They hit it off and became fast lovers.

 

At a glance, their relationship was like a fairy tale. Samantha and Thomas were infatuated and only had eyes for each other. The sex was phenomenal and they clicked on an intimate level.

 

Yet, before the pair realized it, their relationship began to deteriorate.

 

Thomas’ arrogance and selfishness began to trigger Samantha’s latent abandonment issues. He spent less time at home and more time at work and with friends. Samantha’s self-esteem and trust began to plummet, as she began to blame herself for their crumbling relationship.

 

“I obsess too much about my boyfriend. I can’t help it.”

 

Samantha began to feel unattractive and sought reassurance that everything was fine. Thomas reassured; but was annoyed. Soon, Samantha began to grow suspicious of Thomas’ behavior. The sex was no longer phenomenal and their intimacy had become a one-way street, with Samantha clinging on (no pun intended) to their relationship because she believed she couldn’t live without him.

 

From the Couch: This relationship is destructive for Samantha. Given her struggle with dependency, Samantha really needs a stable and available man. Many women pick unavailable and dynamic types like Thomas in order to unconsciously solve the wounds of childhood. It fails.

 

While most people with self centered traits are not out and out narcissists, people like Thomas are compelling lovers, and often bad partners. Samantha is probably best off getting into a good therapy and reconsidering this relationship. She has a vulnerability that mixes very poorly with a self centered lover.

 

Yes, narcissists can be deceiving. They are great at being in love. But, they are not, by and large, in love with you. They are in love with the wonderful high of being in love; and a needy, worshipping lover can work just fine.

 

Here is the good news: If you step up and deal with your clinginess, there’s a chance for the relationship. This will be dependent on whether or not your partner has deep psychological issues - or just has some normal selfish traits.

 

This is an important topic because so many nice people find themselves in relationships that make them feel weaker - and not stronger. I see this all the time as a psychotherapist. In our next piece in our Intimacy Series, we'll look at effective ways to deal with the egoist/clingy dyanmic. After all, it doesn't reallly work for either party involved.

 

A Preview: If you invest in yourself, truly get stronger and re-establish a more equal relationship, your partner may value you more. This is an old trick and it works.

 

Clingy behavior can annoy the healthiest of partners. It’s truly irritating to be second guessed all the time: “stop with all this anxiety!” A little normalcy can be just what the doctor ordered. That being said, I would seriously recommend finding a partner who doesn’t trigger your old wounds. It’s probably a more grown up solution.

 

On the other a hand, if your partner’s a real narcissist, your independent voice may be interpreted as critical - and the response may well be scorching rage. A lover with this character style knows how to hurt you because they’re so self righteous in their outrage. This can trigger clinginess, so a good therapist may be required to help you find a constructive response (and perhaps, find a way out).

 

Conclusion: Being entrapped in the field of intimacy with someone who is slowly traumatizing you is not healthy; nor is it a thriving relationship. For some, falling in love can be a destructive experience. It’s probably a good idea to get a good therapist, mature a bit, and decide if this difficult relationship really meets your needs.

[alexdeer]

Hi, this is my first time posting on anything like this but I almost feel like crying in relief at reading your comments as I always thought I was a little crazy and not quite right. Id really like to know how you are all getting on as I am reaching the stage where I believe I need therapy as I am so unhappy and I just dont know what to do and my poor mum listens to all my dramas constantly.

 

Iv had relationships in the past where iv constantly been insecure and anxious, it reaches the stage where whenever I meet someone I fall for them quickly but just as I realise it has potential the self doubt, the overthinking and anxiousness comes into play. I focus on all the bad and negative aspects that I cant tell if I am making the right decision or if that person is just a bad person. I become so convinced that I end things quickly and often dramatically and then realise iv made a mistake and mourn it.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore and I am scared that I will end up alone forever and it will be my own fault. Although when I am single I am very confident and happy its dating and relationships that make me a wreck. Reading your stories has helped so much in that I don't feel alone.

 

I would appreciate any advice you can give me on my current situation. I have been dating someone for over 2 months now and it was moving along well unfortunately he works offshore and is only here 2 weeks then away again. Everything was going amazing until he said he was having some major issues over dating as he had a very bad relationship with his ex. He wanted us to stop dating until hed sorted his head but went into great detail in explaining it to me so that we met up and he said that he wanted to keep dating and how much he liked me. This has made me scared as iv dealt with an ex like this before and was hurt pretty bad. We went away for the night and had an amazing time hes a lovely sweet funny generous man but we both got very very drunk and said some stuff we regretted in the morning. I apologised for my behaviour but he claimed to have forgotten.

When we parted ways everything was fine he was sweet and nice as always. However he left to go away again and hes become distant he used to call me from offshore every other night and now he barely txts. When he does its like everything is ok or normal he avoids reading my txts. I know this because the app is time stamped and he will use fb but chooses not to check whatsapp even though it pops up and he can preview it on his phone. I dont know what to do if this is me being overly me and im thinking and stressing way too much. Or if I should cut my losses and run for the hills?? Id appreciate any help as my mind wont stop constantly thinking on this. Thanks

[jmatb93]

Hi everyone,

 

First of all, excuse my english level.

 

After almost three years of suffering this sh.., (i'm a boy, i'm 21 right now and i had my first love at 18) i've finally found you. It gives me force to hear from all of you and your experiences. I think that RA happens for more than one matter, as i have read in the docs you shared. In my case, i could'nt say why...maybe a poor parent love in childhood, maybe my shyness, maybe my problems with my first relationship...but there are good news. In those three years i have felt that my symptoms, as well as i grow up, were slowly down. It does not mean that right now i'm not suffering from this, but my symptoms were to 70 to 50, to give you an example. I also have some problems identifiing my emotions (what it's called alexytimia). I have also anxiety disorders (i couldn't say how much of them haha...) obssesive-compulsive disorder or hypocondria, i would say. But all them produce me just anxiety and obssessions. There is no problems to sleep when RA syntoms appear, i just get nervous, have negative thinking, it's hard for me to concentrate, etc. A well as some of yopu have said, when i'm not in a relationship i want to have it, but when i have it anxiety comes again. I'm ending my law studies at the university, i have lots of friends (i prefere having lots of them with little contact than trhee or fou big friends..) I don't think i have a personality disorder or all that stuff. I know that this will not disappear in one day, but i'm optimistic. I think that the most important think is to love us first. If we don't trust in ouselves, we will not be able trusting anyone. Of course i believe in therapy,but i cannot afford it. (In Spain there is public sanitary sistem, but not for this kind of problems).

 

I'm here also to give all of you force, and to say that we will win this, because i'm shure that most of you (i'm including here) deserve a life full of love and peace.

 

Thank you, all of you, for helping me!

[jmatb93]

All the symptoms you shared are also my symptoms...if you want we could contact for mutual support. Thank you

[WideAwakLemon]

As many have said, it so relieving to hear others are going through this!

 

I have a wonderful boyfriend, who has been very supportive, but my anxiety about our relationship is starting to wear on him. He tells me my constant concern and worry is unwarranted. To make things worse, we recently moved in together, so my anxiety cannot be hidden. Before we lived together, I could often keep it at bay until I was home alone. Now it's raging and it is making cohabitation even more difficult than it has to be.

 

I feel like when he tells me he loves me, it's...pitty. Like he's not excited anymore. Is that my anxiety talking, or have ruined my relationship. Tomorrow will be our 1-year anniversary, BTW.

[IAmFCA]

Sharing in case it helps others:

 

My daughter has relationship anxiety with respect to her older sister, sometimes. It flares up when she sleeps less. I am trying to identify whether there are other triggers. They otherwise have an incredibly intimate and supportive relationship.

 

Same daughter also scratches herself when bored; she just told me this association yesterday. I thought she scratched because she itched. The itching sensation comes because she scratches.

 

Same daughter has untreated ADHD. She excels in most respects, in athletics, friendships, and school. There is like a 20% margin between where she stands and that goal line of being relaxed and happy with herself, day in and day out.

 

I am now convinced that medication for her ADHD is essential to her health.

[Sabra]

I have had anxiety always come in every relationship at some point and it always took over so I would end it and go through awful emotions that would harm my health to were I couldn't eat or sleep. The anxiety would ruin everything I created and I would always find myself back in square one. It's like everything could be going good and all the sudden I would think, Oh my gosh I hope I don't get anxiety and then BAM!!! I had got it when my boyfriend and I went to IHOP kinda late and he was sitting accross from me and I just looked at him and thought I wasn't attracted to him all the sudden I felt this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and faintness i had to go to the bathroom immediately and he saw that something happened to me all the sudden. I told him we needed to leave like NOW so we didn't even eat we just left. I already told him about my anxiety I get in relationships. He was kind of understanding but nervous too I could tell. I chose to stay and told him I had to fight this instead of running away like I always do. I had that awful feeling for a couple months then it eased up but I haven't felt much joy since then. I have had happy moments and feel like I really love him but this haunting feeling feels like it's over my shoulder and keeps me from pure joy in relationships. I ended my marriage because of it and don't want it to take over anymore.take back control.