convince me that sending this text is a bad idea

[Slow Club]

Blacklantana

 

You have to remember, how you interpret the message will be different to how my ex would interpret it. Unless you're her! lol

 

Also can I ask. Does there have to be an explicit purpose? Can it not just be a simple exercise in catharsism?

[itsallgrand]

Thanks for sharing it.

 

I don't think you should send it. For the very reason, it's a "baby" of your emotions and thoughts. Very intimate, very tender, and still not full grown. It's precious and I'm not going to pick it apart for that very reason.

 

You should keep it and let it grow to full size. It's ok to miss her, to not be over her full yet. And I think that is where you are at. ALso very natural to want to reach out at that stage - but trust me - it's a very vulnerable place to reach out at. The ex can really screw with your process at that point, if they start throwing out things that you aren't prepared to hear.

[blacklantana]

Blacklantana

 

You have to remember, how you interpret the message will be different to how my ex would interpret it. Unless you're her! lol

 

lol... Point being, if you come off more reflective and an attitude of "no hard feelings"/"I understand why this or that happened"/etc... instead of "I miss you"/"I know you hate me"/"I wish I could forget you"/etc....

 

You can be more productive... But as you stated up a few posts, you aren't actually over her. So forget what was said by me at in my 'wrongful assessment' of the message, you shouldn't send it regardless of how you revise it. You aren't ready.

[Slimpee]

Maybe you're right slimpee. Maybe the message is just me trying to convince myself that I'm over her. Emotions are difficult to figure out...being over someone is different to not wanting someone back.

 

I can say that I don't want her back but I don't think I can say that I am totally and completely over her.

 

I think you nailed it. I feel like this is a great revelation...one of the hardest things about a difficult breakup is being willing to be brutally honest and introspective. We have all sorts of defense mechanisms (such as "i'm TOTALLY over my ex but I miss him because he was my best friend and I should contact him just to say that and blah blah blah") that are tough to defeat. By recognizing your true intentions, you are better able to evaluate where your emotions are and can thus move fwd in a more positive way.

 

Good luck!

[DonDraper32]

If you wanted to send it, you would've sent it. Instead, you're here looking for reasons not to. Don't do it.

[married2011]

Don't send it, because this won't even be the end of the urge to say something. It can snowball in the blink of an eye depending on her response, or lack thereof. It is so hard to break the cycle but once you do you'll be free. I would block her in every way possible to not only not be tempted but also so she cannot say anything to you. That is what I did with my ex husband, I blocked him in every way I could.

[skygreen1111]

wow... this is gonna come off sounding mean, and i dont intend it to be.

 

But if i got a text like that, from an ex, a year after being broken up, i would think they were NUTS. Honestly, the whole thing screams of being completely unable to move on. There are a lot of strong emotions and statements that would make me feel really awkward... "I dont blame you" "I know you hate me and dont care anymore" "I miss you, i hate saying so" "I still lose the battle (of not contacting you)". And the overly philosophical feel to it, although it is rather poetic...

 

Also, getting that long message via text would be even more ridiculous. The fact that you would painstakingly text-type that whole thing out....

Maybe she will like it. But it will probably come accross ridiculous, especially via text after a long break. I wouldn't know how to respond to that at all. But what do i know. Just my opinion

[Slow Club]

I've didn't send it in the end. Mainly because the urge to had dissipated by the morning.

[blacklantana]

I've didn't send it in the end. Mainly because the urge to had dissipated by the morning.

 

GOOD. Best choice

[Fraggle]

If you have another phone, send it to that and read it objectively... think about it for a while. I sat on my text and then subsequent e-mail for about 2-3 weeks and eventually sent it.

 

Got a clear response, which hurt but will put me in good stead once I've digested the "news"...

 

You have to do what you feel is right at the time... in hindsight in a few weeks you may wish you hadn't but that's hindsight for you...

[blacklantana]

Got a clear response, which hurt but will put me in good stead once I've digested the "news"...

 

what was the "news"...

[ClarityCoast]

Admittedly, I haven't read this entire thread...but from the gist of it, I'm confused over the mixed messages this board sometimes gives people.

On one hand, strong advocates for no contact and reassurance that until a *significant* amount of time passes (4 months to 1 year +), two people can not adequately grow and change and make it work....

On the other hand, someone posts about a year later wanting to send a text...and the collective wisdom shouts, "DON'T DO IT!"

 

I'll agree with most that the text was a bit over-the-top...but lets be real...if she still has feelings for him, it likely wouldn't matter WHAT it said, she'd just be happy to hear from him.

If she doesn't have feelings anymore...he will know pretty quickly.

 

I think the question comes down to how realistic are your expectations and what do you actually want from this?

If you don't want another shot at a relationship...there is no good reason on Earth to send it.

[Slow Club]

Totally right about the mixed messaged CC. You just have to take on board whatever advice you want and discard others because almost all situations are unique.

 

I don't want another shot at a relationship but it would be nice if she turned around and told me she was ready to be friends again. I think that's my ultimate aim.

[blacklantana]

Admittedly, I haven't read this entire thread...but from the gist of it, I'm confused over the mixed messages this board sometimes gives people.

On one hand, strong advocates for no contact and reassurance that until a *significant* amount of time passes (4 months to 1 year +), two people can not adequately grow and change and make it work....

 

There are no mixed messages in this thread. Everyone is stating to NOT send it based on what he wrote, how he feels (admits he may not be 100% be over her) and what he wants out of it. You go no contact to heal, and there's NO time limit (i.e. 4-8 months)... However long it takes to heal is different for everyone. Once you ACTUALLY heal, then you can decide if you want to contact them for closure/friendship/relationship/etc... He hasn't healed yet.

 

On the other hand, someone posts about a year later wanting to send a text...and the collective wisdom shouts, "DON'T DO IT!"

 

Yup, based on what he was going to write to her and what he wanted out of it. Unnecessary and would probably cause more harm than good.

 

I'll agree with most that the text was a bit over-the-top...but lets be real...if she still has feelings for him, it likely wouldn't matter WHAT it said, she'd just be happy to hear from him.If she doesn't have feelings anymore...he will know pretty quickly.

 

Actually, it would matter... A LOT. Where your mindset is AFTER reflecting for 1 year will heavily sway one party to one side or another. If she feels like OP hasn't learned from it or still thinks he is holding resentment and/or thinks he is talking for her (saying he knows she hates him), it may be a complete turn off. Also, all of the "I miss yous" may be a complete turn off, considering they may come off as needy and/or clingy, even after a 1 year break.

 

I think the question comes down to how realistic are your expectations and what do you actually want from this? If you don't want another shot at a relationship...there is no good reason on Earth to send it.

 

Some people can be cordial and/or friends with their exes, depending on the closure and what was talked about during the reflection period. I wouldn't necessarily state that it would be "pointless" to send her a message again if he doesn't want to have a relationship with her. It really depends on how he feels about her and what he wants.

[FreeFallFeelin]

You're right, "almost all situations are unique". But not that unique, and that's why the feedback you've been getting is almost 100% against sending the text (which I know you didn't not do, in the end). This scenario of reaching out to the ex plays out over and over and over on these boards, and 99% of the time it ends up being a painful reminder that the ex really meant it when they left.

 

Promises of "friendship" are as common as the phrase "I love you but I'm not in love with you" when the separation is first happening. But those are just words, and words can't be depended on. Those words that most of us heard amidst being dumped serve as nothing more than seeds for false hope. We secretly, quietly nurture those seeds all through the healing process hoping that just maybe we'll be the lucky person who's ex does come back and works with us to create a new "us". But alas, it almost never happens, even for the lucky few that do get a second chance.

 

You're kidding yourself if you think you're ready for a friendship with this person - that much is clear to see by reading your text draft. You say you just want to be friends with your ex, but is that true? Would you want to be friends with your ex and her new boyfriend (assume she has one or will have one soon)? Can you handle it? Do you want to be around it? Do you think your ex and her potential new partner are going to want to hang out with 'ex boyfriend'? HELL NO, is probably the answer to all of those questions.

 

This is YOUR journey now. The ex is no longer an option, a resource, a friend, a place of safety or comfort. You must continue to heal on your own. She will not help you! You will not get the relief you so desperately seek by reaching out to her. We only say these things because we understand how difficult it is, and we don't want to see a fellow traveler make the mistake that so many others have made.

 

 

 

 

Totally right about the mixed messaged CC. You just have to take on board whatever advice you want and discard others because almost all situations are unique.

 

I don't want another shot at a relationship but it would be nice if she turned around and told me she was ready to be friends again. I think that's my ultimate aim.

[markie6]

Admittedly, I haven't read this entire thread...but from the gist of it, I'm confused over the mixed messages this board sometimes gives people.

 

What do you expect, from a collection of different individuals with differing motives, experiences etc ... I would be more worried if we were all singing from the same song sheet.

[Edmund Exley]

What do you expect, from a collection of different individuals with differing motives, experiences etc ... I would be more worried if we were all singing from the same song sheet.

 

Agreed. Some people offering opinions are still dealing with their own breakups while others are here for support and not dealing with any current heartbreak, so there will be two schools of thought in reading/interpreting that text. The first is "awww its not so bad, it shows he still cares" while others (myself included) may read it and see "Its been a year and I cant get over you!!".

 

You have to put it into the perspective of his ex who obviously moved on and hasnt contacted him. She is most likely going to read the latter thought in that letter. This is why it helps to read the entire thread.

[Slow Club]

FreeFallFeelin:

 

I know she has a boyfriend and I'm totally fine with that. I'm not asking her to hang out with me all the time nor am I expecting that. She's simply somebody that used to know me quite well and I would argue, still does, and therefore would be somebody who I could rely upon during emotional struggles.

 

I just think it's a shame to lose somebody who knows so much about you.

[Live-N-Learn]

Once you have been intimate with them it is very difficult to have a friendship. In most cases it does not work. Yes there are exceptions. Most are of either ppl that had a friendship before they started dating or a lot of time has passed. For me, friendship with exes is counterproductive. Rather leave the past in the past and make new friends.

[pl3asehelp]

If you think she hates you, wouldn't it then follow that you're being mean and selfish to contact her?

[Tanzi]

I've didn't send it in the end. Mainly because the urge to had dissipated by the morning.

 

Good. That generally is the case. That is why it is always sensible to take some "time out" before sending any emails or texts you may later regret. Imagine how you would feel if you had sent it and then the urge then dissipated!

 

What do you expect, from a collection of different individuals with differing motives, experiences etc ... I would be more worried if we were all singing from the same song sheet.

 

Totally agree! And anyway, as someone state above, most - if not all - the messages on this thread were saying NOT to send it!

[Slow Club]

Once you have been intimate with them it is very difficult to have a friendship. In most cases it does not work. Yes there are exceptions. Most are of either ppl that had a friendship before they started dating or a lot of time has passed. For me, friendship with exes is counterproductive. Rather leave the past in the past and make new friends.

 

I disagree. I've always stayed friends with exes and I always stipulate near that start of relationships that whatever we will always be friends. I don't date people who I don't think I could be friends if the relationship was strictly platonic.

 

unfortunately, this time it didn't work out which is why I'm eager to fix it. I think in most cases, if you genuinely liked each other, you should always stay friends. It's a lonely world out there and I always think it's silly to just accept you'll never see someone again just because the sexual part of the relationship didn't work out.

[Live-N-Learn]

I disagree. I've always stayed friends with exes and I always stipulate near that start of relationships that whatever we will always be friends. I don't date people who I don't think I could be friends if the relationship was strictly platonic.

 

unfortunately, this time it didn't work out which is why I'm eager to fix it. I think in most cases, if you genuinely liked each other, you should always stay friends. It's a lonely world out there and I always think it's silly to just accept you'll never see someone again just because the sexual part of the relationship didn't work out.

 

It is naive to think that breakups are equal and that ppl can be friends afterwards. Some can but most can not.

[Slow Club]

I'm not saying relationships ate equal. Of course they rarely are, most are able to see past the emotions and value the importance of close friends.

[pl3asehelp]

For me not being in contact with ex's is not about not valuing friends or being able to see past emotions. I think it's inappropriate and disrespectful to your current partner. Also, I think it's immature. I say that because any example of a long marriage I have seen never includes someone having good friend who is also an ex. I think the reason for that is that people who are close to ex's never get very far with any relationship anyway.