Boyfriend's Family is Train wreck waiting to happen... Reason to Pause?

[luciddreamer]

Hi! I am a well educated single female, 36, who is dating a 32 year old guy. We get along great and are very much in love - we've been dating about 18 months. He never went to college but is talented and good at maintaining networks, so he has a FT white-collar type job in marketing, making a decent salary (maybe $15k less than me).

I know I need to make a decision on marriage and long term commitment because of my age and because it's time to; we both would like to have a family (and he wants to get married more than me!). He really wants to move forward with the relationship. we had some trust issues in the beginning (3rd month in) with an episode of infidelity with his ex, and that really took a while to get over (in retrospect, we did not communicate that it was exclusive; he admits that that notwithstanding, it was a serious lapse in judgment and he almost lost me. He's been an open book since then and we have improved communication a lot.) He had about $20k in CC debt but has paid it off the past two years.

 

That is not really the issue, however. I am worried because I think his father might be involved in some illegal business deals (not drugs or guns or prostitution, but under the table stuff) and I am worried if I marry him, this will blow up in a couple years and my kids will have to face grandpa getting thrown in jail or whatever. His father is a good guy but uneducated, doesn't have his ** together and apparently like many others, just trying to make a buck at any cost. Obviously I don't have any control over whether he stops doing what he's doing (he's very hardheaded). I do not condone this at all and made my BF quit, he used to help out. His mother, who has only worked service jobs, no jobs on the books recently for Social Security, and has no post high school education, works for his dad (although they are divorced) so she is involved too. She has TMJ (jaw issues) and is a little mentally unstable - will fly off the handle, irrational, chain smoker, very skinny and doesn't eat well, related to the jaw issues. She doesn't have any savings that I know of and lives with HER mother, bf's grandmother in a tiny rented apartment. The grandmother is actually OK, mentally sharp and is in decent health despite eating a very bad diet. She gets her dead husband's pension. But she too doesn't own any property and she is in her 80s; she let her daughter move in and they are thinking of moving out into a bigger place (which makes no sense because the grandma has free rent for life as the property manager). My folks are no picnic but sent me and my siblings to good colleges, have a house in the suburbs almost paid up, and are self sufficient. (I should note my dad is almost 80 and they don't have long term care insurance for a care home, which would be like $8k a month). Now the city I live in is very expensive and I am wondering if I will someday have to support his whole ailing family as well as my own kids and or face public humiliation if the whole thing comes out. Other than this issue I can totally see myself with him. Thoughts? Am I being snobby or over thinking it? I will need to be ready to help my own mom and dad, bottom line, and my BF is playing major catch up in his career, savings, financial planning. He is also an only child.

 

Oh, and PS: I have brought this up a few times, and he's assured me that he has cut ties with the business and won't be liable, and also that he told his mother that her bad choices lead to her becoming ill, don't expect him to bail her out. (Tough love, although he has tried to help her find other work and get medical help for her pain, etc). In other words he is prioritizing his future family and primary relationship, which is good, but on the other hand I don't think he is seriously going to let her sleep on the streets if it comes to that, nor would I want to be with someone who would do that!

[Stay_home]

Valid concerns (primarly the illegal business) but I do think you're being snobby about the relationship.

 

You're trying to fireproof your way to a safe marriage where everything is on your dime. He obviously has had a different background than you growing up and I don't see that you will be able to get over that hump.

[CatsMeeoow]

I think these are valid concerns and when you marry someone you indeed marry their family. You and your bf may have agreements now about how he handles his family but ultimately they are his blood and his feelings could easily change months to years down the road and maybe you won't be too happy with his future choices.

 

I think you are starting out this future marriage trying to make sure you have complete control of the situation which is totally wrong.

 

My husband and I don't speak to his mother but it was HIS choice. He asks for my opinion and I freely give it but ultimately the relationship he has with his mother or lack there of is completely his choice. I had always dreamed of being married and having a good strong relationship with my in-laws. My husband apologizes to me that I didn't get what I had hoped for but I totally understand and support my husbands choices. My mother in law is looney to the core anyway. My point being is that your bf's way of handling his parents needs to be 100% his choice or one day down the road after you are married and have 2 kids he starts to resent you so much he ups and leaves.

 

Good Luck

[Fudgie]

I'm confused. You say you don't want you or your boyfriend to have to care for this crazy bunch, yet you don't want him to leave her alone to fend for herself? Make. Up. Your. Mind.

 

I disagree that when you marry, you're always marrying the family. If your partner doesn't want anything to do with his family, then you're not marrying the family. My boyfriend is this way and neither of us have contact with his family because they are crazy and mean.

 

If his father is doing that sort of crap, maybe you shouldn't have your kids meet him. Sounds like a bad influence. If he objects, have your boyfriend tell him that unless he cuts the crap, he's not meeting them.

 

Trust your boyfriend. If he doesn't get involved and is willing to let her sink for her bad choices, then he's a keeper. You don't want to marry someone who is trying to raise a family plus keep his afloat forever.

[Ms Darcy]

Wow, you DO sound snobby as you said .... especially with the: "My folks are no picnic but sent me and my siblings to good colleges, have a house in the suburbs almost paid up, and are self sufficient."

 

In my opinion, I think you need to talk with your bf about what type of relationship he would want to have with his family after you marry. Would he want to care for them? Ask lots of questions and listen openly to his answers. That will guide your decision.

[hers]

personally I don't think any of their "issues" are relevant to you and your relationship. As long as your boyfriend isn't participating in any of the drama and knows when to remove himself when it's getting heating, then there is no issue.

 

I agree and disagree with marrying your partner's family. On one hand, you ahve to realize that you are part of their lives, but on the other hand...it's optional. If your partner is ok with not seeing his family, then by all means, don't. But make sure it is HIS choice and never ever manipulate or force him into making him separate himself from it.

[abitbroken]

I think you are being a bit judgemental on some points -

 

So the grandmother gets her "dead husband's pension" - she is entitled to it! And she doesn't own property - so what! Not everyone does or can. She has a bad diet - not your call! She wants to move somewhere else despite her getting free rent where she lives - free isn't everything if you move someone else in with you and don't have room or your living situation doesn't suit you anymore. I think you are terribly judgemental about the grandmother, IMHO. She is not bothering anyone and not asking anyone for handouts. If she chooses to allow her daughter to live with her - maybe she likes the company. My great uncle had his daughter (mom's cousin) move in after a divorce and no one thought any ill of it.

 

As far as the rest of the family, if the boyfriend has made major changes in his life (paid off debt, has a great job), and is good to you, you have to judge him on his own merits. He obviously has bettered himself compared to the rest of the family and he does know right from wrong as far as separating himself from what his father does.

 

I think what the father is doing is a legitimate concern and its a concern on whether you want to marry into this family, but I also caution you from being judgemental about the education that could be afforded in that family versus yours, etc.

[luciddreamer]

Thanks everyone! I know I sound harsh in some parts of my post but I'm actually trying to not be overly moved by my heart, being crazy about this guy... so many people on ENA end up fighting about money or in laws and I'm kind of worried about dark clouds gathering even though it hasn't happened yet. I humbly accept the criticism about being too judgmental. Points well taken (As for the grandma, apologies - I didn't mean that at all, of course she deserves everything she gets, and she is actually the primary stable force in the family!) It's just that he turned out well out but I'm appalled that they could be doing what they are doing (if they ever got caught, I'm sure my BF could be dragged in as it was quite recent). My parents never went past high school either (mom was an immigrant and spoke no english at first) and they were uninsured when I was born - took 5 years to pay the hospital back! My dad paid his taxes, worked til 2 am every night at the business they started and did things right. I know I shouldn't compare but it's hard when it sort of flies against my values... =/ However, sounds like most people think these problems should not be factored into the relationship between us.

 

To be honest I think I am afraid of having to have Mom move in with us because she is not well mentally, at least right now, and I am not sure I'd feel comfortable having her care for any future children. (This city has among the top 5 highest housing /cost of living in the country; many good people go homeless after missing just a few paychecks.) It's not anything he'd say he wants right now but it's easy to see the road she is going down is not very good... 45 years smoking etc.

 

But, anyway, thank you so much everyone. I think I will continue to have open discussions with him and I am optimistic we'll figure it out! I must remember that love is priceless in its own right.

[Fudgie]

I think you should tell your boyfriend that under no circumstances would you be cool with his mother moving in. Not now, not in the future. Then he can make the choice for himself.

 

In laws are important to consider. I've told my boyfriend that I would not be with him if he were trying to have a relationship with most of his family. Luckily that's not an issue. No in laws are better than bad in laws.

 

If he seems eager to distance himself from them and doesn't lend them money or favors, you're fine. If he's too kind hearted for his own good, beware.

[abitbroken]

To be honest I think I am afraid of having to have Mom move in with us because she is not well mentally, at least right now, and I am not sure I'd feel comfortable having her care for any future children. (This city has among the top 5 highest housing /cost of living in the country; many good people go homeless after missing just a few paychecks.) It's not anything he'd say he wants right now but it's easy to see the road she is going down is not very good... 45 years smoking etc.

 

Then TALK about it. You need to set boundaries but in the end, he should not be required to completely abandon her if he is all she has left someday. For example, the two of you investing in some sort of insurance that pays for assisted living might be the way you help without giving her handouts if the liklihood is that she will be on the street someday and very sick, but doling out money into her pocket wouldn't be acceptable to you, etc.

 

If he is good at setting boundaries, then that is what matters most.

 

And he might want to make sure he is legally separated from the business in any way shape and form - make sure his name isn't on any documents, etc, ownership or even inheritence if that separtes him enough.

[BlueKitten]

It's funny. This was totally something that was at the back of my mind when i was dating my now ex. I was worried about his family and if we ever did end up getting married how they would be factored into our family. He acts very different from most of his family but I noticed when he got around them that he would change and this freaked me out.