I want to move out..

[haylie23]

Hi, my name is Haylie. I have been living with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now.

 

We moved to quickly, we decided to move in together after about 3 months of being together. I was only 20 and he was 23. That was a wrong decision from the start. I had strong feelings for him, but I questioned if it was love. The reason I decided to move in with him was because my family and friends kept saying how perfect we were and that they thought he was the one. After hearing it so much, I started to believe it. Not that I didn't want to, but I was confused. Other things, like sex didn't come as quickly as that. We were both virgins. I always knew that I would wait until I felt completely ready. I think we waited about a year before having sex.

 

Everything was perfect for awhile. My feelings just got stronger and stronger everyday. I was no longer confused about my feelings. I knew he was the one. After about a year, I was still in school and he had a good paying job (still has it..) and since I was so focused on school, I didn't have time for a job. He basically paid for my education, which I was thankful for because I couldn't have done it otherwise.

 

Anyways, things were great for the first 3 years of the relationship. He proposed to me a couple weeks after our 3 year anniversary. I wasn't expecting it and I really wish he hadn't. We never even talked about marriage before this. It just never came up. I didn't know what to say to him. After he proposed, the reality started kicking in. I realized that I honestly never thought about spending the rest of my life with him and after thinking about it, I realized I didn't want to.

 

He didn't seem too hurt that I said no. I'm sure he was though. I started questioning my feelings for him again. Of course to him everything is still perfect. I have found out from friends that he is planning on proposing to me again on our 4 year anniversary and he really thinks I'll say yes this time. I love this guy, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm not sure that I was ever in true love with him.

 

I just don't know what to do. We have been together for almost 4 years and I was so young. I feel like I missed out on meeting new people. Obviously I'm lucky to have experienced this, but I think its time for it to end. He has noticed something has been wrong with me. I can't pretend all day. He always asks me whats wrong, and I'll say, "Do you think this is the way its supposed to be?" and he will just say that everything is perfect.

 

I just don't know how to bring it up, or what to say. We share so much together and it would just create big problems.

 

I guess I'm just asking for advice. Do I stay with this guy even though I'm not in love with him anymore, or do I add more stress to our lives by ending it. I'm just so confused.

[antzca2000]

I say end it, sounds to me like the main thing thats holding you back in the fact that he paid for your education and you feel obligated to repay him one way or another.

 

But if your not happy while being with him then eventually not only will it depress you he won't be happy either.

 

Maybe ask him to take a break and see if you can slowly break it off from there.

[RayKay]

 

Maybe ask him to take a break and see if you can slowly break it off from there.

 

NO NO NO, don't ask him for a break with intention of weaning it off, that is not good for you OR for him.

 

 

Well, it does sound like you have good ideas as to why this is not working for you, and you know that it isn't. I assume you do love him, at least to some degree, but you feel like you have lost out somehow (grass is always greener).

 

Only you can decide whether you feel this is something you can and are willing to work out with him, but you two do need to have a talk either way - whether you want to work it out or not. Don't wait for him to propose again or drag it out longer - you will only grow more doubtful and resentful and hurt him more in the process.

 

You knew he was the one though before, and things were great for three years, I am guessing that the proposal scared you a bit. Just be careful about leaving behind something wonderful so many people wish to have. You need to keep in mind relationships go through these periods of time, and those who committ to working it through can be well rewarded. Only you know what is in your heart though.

[DBL]

Well if things don't feel right then you have to do something about it. You all probably did move quick. At your age I was out partying and having fun. I look back now and I'm glad I had that time to go and get crazy and meet people.

 

If you don't love somebody then there is not sense in prolonging anything. Might as well get it over with...take it slow if you have to. If you already have your mind set on dating other guys, then just cut it off.

 

Good Luck with your decision

DBL

[Cecelius]

Write him a check for the schooling, its the only fair thing to do.

 

 

There's nothing wrong with breaking up; it sounds like its the only thing to do, and a mature approach. But try to leave him whole

[Beec]

I think the big question I have is why? There is nothing wrong with how you feel, but the question more goes to what is it about him that does not do it for you? Is it something he is missing something you want or need, is he not doing something you seek, or is it just that it all started to young and you are not ready. It's all about how you feel, and if he made you feel the right way, you'd probably be jumping at the chance. You may never figure out teh answer, but it is something to hink about.

 

However, if he is never going to be the man who makes you happy, move out, end it now, and think about if you want to and how you can repay him.

[San123]

I really think you should repay him for your schooling. That is only fair

[DBL]

What is this deal with paying for schooling? When you give somebody something that is intangible, you can't expect it back. If it was a car or something that is one thing. She didn't use him for her education. It is not like he gave her money to start a business or something.

 

DBL

[Cecelius]

Paying for the schooling is something they can work out, but I think she should offer. He paid for the schooling I believe and I assume her personal and living expenses? It might be his fault, but he clearly thought this was going toward another place.

[DBL]

Relationships are a gamble...when you gamble and lose...you take your loses and move on. It is just part of life.

 

If she wants to pay him back that would be fine, but I don't think the paying back of money is the priority in this thread. It really isn't any of our business if she wants to pay him back or not. I think she was just mentioning because she is saying he has done all this for her and is a great boyfriend, but should that be a reason amoung other reasons to stay.

 

DBL

[CarterJonas]

I think that you have to be fair to yourself and to him and break off this relationship.

[Scout]

I am not getting a clear idea of why you want to leave him. Except you think you are missing out on a lot. Let me tell you some things you have missed out on in the dating life:

 

1) Meeting people who lead you on by saying they're going to call, then don't. Or worse - get you into bed, then immediately dump you.

 

2) Coming home after a truly bad day or great day and wanting to connect with another human being - but there's no one there.

 

3) Going out with someone who could care less about your hopes, dreams and desires, but instead just want to get you into bed at the end of the date.

 

Of course, there are positives, but I personally think there are far more negatives.

 

This man appears to truly love you, and he's done a lot for you. Before you unload him, I'd suggest you try couples counseling. Every relationship goes through periods of doubt, and it's a good idea to learn how to resolve our problems rather than walk away from them.

 

After all you two have been through, and as much love as you have shared together, I think you at least owe him a chance to try and salvage the relationship. Counseling is a good first start.

[DBL]

If she doesn't love him and does not see herself spending her life with him, then there is no point in persuing the relationship as it is. She is young and has not really had the chance to really mature and know what she wants.

 

Life only happens once...and you should be sure not to miss out on any opportunities. Try moving out first and see if things get better. If you still feel the same after spending time away, then you know you made the right decision. I don't really believe in couples therapy, I think it just prolongs the invitable.

 

If you don't love someone, you don't love someone...what can you do? She shouldn't let fears of what could happen and guilt of what he has done for her stand in her way of making a decision. You never know until you try. You may not be able to move on without giving some seperation a shot. You can't stay in a relationship based on the fact that he loves her and would do anything for her if she does not feel the same for him.

 

DBL

[haylie23]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I didn't expect to get so many replies!

 

I think some of you have it wrong, so I should explain..

 

He was willing to pay for my education. I didn't like force him to, or pout about it not being able to go to college. I was actually going to spend a couple years just working and then go to school later when I had enough money. That was my original plan from the beginning, before I even dated him. However, he has always been the type to push me towards the things I want in life. Going to college was something I really wanted. I never once asked him for money. I'm very thankful to him for all he has done and he knows it. I also don't feel like I need to be with him because he paid for my education. I've bought a lot of things for him as well that he really wanted, and even though he could have afforded it, I wanted to buy it. I don't want him paying me back for anything.

 

He did not pay for other living expenses. I managed to pay for a lot of things. I baby sat like every weekend and did jobs like that for money. I pay half the rent and I saved up to buy myself a car, which my boyfriend wanted to buy, but I didnt' want him to. I'm definantly not spoiled or something. Of course like any couple, we both spoil each other at times, but I don't demand money from him ever. In fact I don't like him paying for things.

 

Of course I love this guy. He's my best friend. He's such a nice guy too. However, I don't feel like I'm in love with him. People are asking why I would want to lose someone like him. The answer is, if I don't. If I had a choice, he would be the one I would be with forever, but its like I can't tell my heart to be in love with him. I want to be with someone I'm truly in love with forever, not just someone I love. I want to feel that.

 

I'm seriously just confused. I'm confused about my feelings and what I should do. I just regret moving in with him so fast. Seriously, looking back, I don't know what made us want to. It just seemed like a good thing to do. I fear breaking up with him, just to realize that this is just a phase or something and I really am in love with him.

 

To all of you who have found "the one" and know you are in love, do you ever question your feelings? Do you ever wonder if there is a better feeling out there? Do you worry that you are making a mistake? Is it normal for me to be feeling this way?