I really like him but I ended it-- odd reason why....

[Lambert]

It really sucks when you meet someone you really like but they just don't meet your needs. you know? I have been dating this guy since November.... We met on a dating website. things were going really slow. We didn't spend the holidays together. We'd go out a couple times a week, maybe every other week, all depending on his schedule. He worked full time, part time and went to school part time. So as you can imagine, he was busy. A few times I thought he wasn't interested. I even posted about it a few times, as I was really confused about whether he was into me or not or what the hell....

 

Around Valentine's day, it came to a point where, I just decided that was it. I was done. He confronted me about it and explained he realized he was busy with work blah blah blah but if I would just be patient with him, he really liked me and he was very sorry. So I was glad and we continued to have maybe 5 or 7 more dates since then (again all while he is working both jobs and school)

 

I thought this was all a very good sign, as he is very busy but when he did have free time, he was making the effort to spend time with me. He was kind to me, a lot of fun and we seemed to value a lot of the same things. Last week we went out three days in a row, because he was off work and his class got cancelled. So I thought-- this is all good. We seemed to be getting closer, we went out one night to a really nice restaurant and stayed up all night talking. We kissed a couple of times and were cuddling but we did not go further than that physically. We talked about the fact that we were taking things slow to mean we really like each other.

 

Last night we were just chatting on the phone (for hours mind you, just gabbing about stuff). And he asks me about my previous relationships and he tells me about a girl he used to date. When I asked him why it ended, he said because she always wanted him to come over after work at like 10 pm and he never wanted to. And I am thinking he is saying because he works two jobs and after the 2nd one, he is too tired to hang out and it just felt like a creepy booty call. Plus she had children and they would be in bed. Which I agreed with. I was just thinking, hey this guy is a nice guy that doesn't want to jerk anyone around with sex and he respects the kids space and all that....

 

Up to this point, it's just phone chat. I didn't care that he asked me about an ex or that he shared something about his. Then he started saying about how he just doesn't see himself sleeping in the same bed with someone. And that's probably why he has been a bachelor for so long. That's why marriages probably end because people are crowded too much. And that he would insist on separate beds or even separate rooms. At first, I thought he was kidding. But as the conversation continued and I was saying that I think the opposite, that sleeping in the bed together and having that time together is what makes a marriage better. because otherwise you are just roommates and that leaves people to feel unloved and makes them look elsewhere for affection.

 

All night I was thinking about this. It really bothered me. Here I was, thinking he was taking it slow and now I am thinking he has some kind of issue.... So this morning, I talk to him before work. I tell him I am concerned maybe we want different things. That I can't imagine not sleeping in the same bed as my husband and that I need that closeness from my mate. And it comes down to this.... his word "he just isn't comfortable in a romantic relationship like that and he is surprised I stuck around this long"

 

Well! isn't that a kick in the head!

 

I thanked him for the good times and he thanked me. We said we were sorry we weren't what the other was looking for and that was it. All day at work I was fighting back tears. Then tonight on the way home I saw him but we didn't look at each other.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I think I did the right thing but it still sucks. I genuinely like him but what can I do? I can't make him change and if he says that's how he feels I have to believe him. But I can't say I wouldn't expect my husband to sleep with me in the same bed. That is nuts. I love sleeping next to someone. I love that time alone together and in the end I know I would feel neglected and unwanted.

 

What do you guys think? ugh.... dating is so hard. I don't understand why, you would go on crappy date after crappy date in the hope of meeting someone good, if you don't want to have a relationship when you find them. why bother? He isn't after sex. If I were him I'd just hang with my friends and call it a day.

 

Thanks.....

[EssexMan]

He wants a relationship, he just wants one with more space in it than the kind of relationship you want.

 

Are you thinking about trying again with him?

[Lambert]

He wants a relationship, he just wants one with more space in it than the kind of relationship you want.

 

Are you thinking about trying again with him?

 

Oh, essexman, I don't even understand your response. lol More space means no sleeping in the same bed??? Is this a men are from mars issue?

 

I am not thinking about trying with him...

 

I feel blue that he doesn't want the same things. I feel that I am the type of woman that I would be willing to work on any issues and find a compromise... we had a lot of fun and valued the same things. But this is a deal breaker. How can I work on a relationship when he doesn't want it???

[EssexMan]

Oh, essexman, I don't even understand your response. lol More space means no sleeping in the same bed???

 

It means he is, at this stage, nervous about losing his own identity and becoming "just" half of a couple. He wants time and space to be himself, by himself. The sleeping-together thing is part of this.

 

IMHO, and I'm obviously not the only one, literally sleeping together regularly is more intimate than having sex: it's one of the ultimate intimacies, allowing the other to see you at your most vulnerable.

 

This does not mean he is thinking about other women. It just means he is not ready to totally give himself over to someone.

 

this is a deal breaker. How can I work on a relationship when he doesn't want it???

 

Like I said, he wants a relationship, he just doesn't want precisely the one you want. The question would be whether you can both compromise, and wait to see if you can work something out that suits both of you.

 

But if it's a deal-breaker, it's a deal-breaker.

[Lambert]

It means he is, at this stage, nervous about losing his own identity and becoming "just" half of a couple. He wants time and space to be himself, by himself. The sleeping-together thing is part of this.

 

IMHO, and I'm obviously not the only one, literally sleeping together regularly is more intimate than having sex: it's one of the ultimate intimacies, allowing the other to see you at your most vulnerable.

 

This does not mean he is thinking about other women. It just means he is not ready to totally give himself over to someone.

 

 

 

Like I said, he wants a relationship, he just doesn't want precisely the one you want. The question would be whether you can both compromise, and wait to see if you can work something out that suits both of you.

 

But if it's a deal-breaker, it's a deal-breaker.

 

I guess if I thought he would someday feel differently, maybe that would change things. So what should I do? I don't want him to think I am a crazy nut. I told him we want different things and now 12 hours later I am back peddling??? I wouldn't even know where to start.

[pumpkinmoon]

Sounds like he has some deep issues. I think you were right to get out when you did.

[EssexMan]

I guess if I thought he would someday feel differently, maybe that would change things. So what should I do? I don't want him to think I am a crazy nut. I told him we want different things and now 12 hours later I am back peddling??? I wouldn't even know where to start.

 

Well, what do you want? Forget about deal-breakers and impressions. Do you, overall, want him in your life or not?

 

If you don't - move on and stop worrying about it.

 

If you do - it's actually simple. The break-up is so recent you can (possibly) just undo it by saying "look, I've been thinking, and I over-reacted. Can we get together and talk about it, see if we can find a way to make things work between us?"

 

Be prepared for the fact that he may be annoyed and you may have to eat a bit of humble pie.

 

Also be prepared for the fact that compromise means you as well as he will have to start feeling differently.

 

And remember this bed thing is not the be-all-and-end-all. You haven't had sex yet, you haven't (I assume) talked about living together yet, and you're a long way from being married. It's not an issue in the here and now, and if you can both be comfortable in a relationship together it probably never will be an issue.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

I feel like I understand the situation, yet I am confused at the same time.

 

From what I gather, you are a romantic woman. You want a man who will be intimate with you. You want a man who is "the one" for you.

 

I can relate because I am looking for the same in a woman.

 

I think that the problem is that this guy was never the guy for you to begin with. I think that eventually he grew to understand this, and that is why he finally told you how he felt about you.

 

It sounds like the last phone call you had with him was when you realized that you both were in the relationship for different reasons.

 

I would like to ask you Lambert:

 

Do you think that you have ever had a man sincerely feel romantic toward you?

[ExcitedtoSleep]

Essexman, with all due respect (and I really mean it), I do not think that you understand Lambert's perspective. It is not something that can be reasonably explained. It is just a feeling, and in her case, that lack of feeling on his part is a deal breaker.

[Lambert]

Thanks for the responses essexman... I appreciate it. I am not sure how I feel but I think you have made some valid points. I might reach out to him and ask him if we can talk. Maybe I did overreact.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

Thanks for the responses essexman... I appreciate it. I am not sure how I feel but I think you have made some valid points. I might reach out to him and ask him if we can talk. Maybe I did overreact.

 

Good for you if you can reason the whole thing out. I would not be able to.

 

I take back what I said earlier EssexMan. I was wrong and possibly projecting.

[EssexMan]

Essexman, with all due respect (and I really mean it), I do not think that you understand Lambert's perspective. It is not something that can be reasonably explained. It is just a feeling, and in her case, that lack of feeling on his part is a deal breaker.

 

Fair enough, if it's a deal-breaker it's a deal-breaker, no arguing with that! But when she said So what should I do? I thought she was toying with the idea of trying to fix things.

 

I think it is important, though, that the OP recognise he wasn't rejecting a relationship out of hand, he just had different views on the details from her. That's not to say they're suited to one another, of course, and it may well be that a split is the best thing for both of them. But he's not been an unreasonable time-waster IMHO.

 

PS:

 

I take back what I said earlier EssexMan. I was wrong and possibly projecting.

 

No worries, it's been known to happen to all of us.

[calichick007]

I'm not sure what the compromise is here. If one person wants to sleep with their mate and the other does not - what is the compromise? Either one person forces themselves to share a bed for a lifetime when both people know they do not want to be there, or the other sacrifices and sleeps alone for life. And I'd take the "I'm surprised you stuck around this long" to be incredibly insulting...that just rubs me the wrong way. OP, good luck if you feel like you can work this out - I just can't imagine how you could, unless you'd be willing to always sleep alone.

[Lambert]

I feel like I understand the situation, yet I am confused at the same time.

 

From what I gather, you are a romantic woman. You want a man who will be intimate with you. You want a man who is "the one" for you.

 

I can relate because I am looking for the same in a woman.

 

I think that the problem is that this guy was never the guy for you to begin with. I think that eventually he grew to understand this, and that is why he finally told you how he felt about you.

 

It sounds like the last phone call you had with him was when you realized that you both were in the relationship for different reasons.

 

I would like to ask you Lambert:

 

Do you think that you have ever had a man sincerely feel romantic toward you?

 

Hi excitedtosleep,

 

I am not sure I understand your response. Do you think he knew all along he didn't want to be with me? and that is what you mean by this:

 

 

 

I think that the problem is that this guy was never the guy for you to begin with. I think that eventually he grew to understand this, and that is why he finally told you how he felt about you.

 

[nutbrownhare]

Someone who can't imagine sleeping in the same bed as someone has issues around intimacy - unless there are practical reasons for sleeping apart. The fact that this guy has organised for himself a life where it's almost impossible to have a consistent connection with someone else, also suggests he has issues with intimacy.

 

It's obviously not something which is part of his life plan - hence his comment about being surprised that you'd stuck it this long. It sounds as though you've been waiting and hoping things would change, but it doesn't really sound as though they're going to.

 

Sure you can talk, and hope it goes well for you. If you want a full-on relationship, though, I very much doubt that this is the guy for you.

[shellyf62]

I couldnt be with someone who didnt want to sleep in the same bed as me. Being snuggled up to someone wonderful, his arm around you, playing with your hair as you fall asleep is the stuff of romance novels, and something I think a lot of women dream about.

If you require this as much as I do then dont look back....

[annie24]

"I don't like sleeping in the same bed with someone" is a great way of keeping someone at arms' length. I dated a guy like this last year. Told me he slept better by himself. Well, yes, I do have a deeper sleep when I am alone, but it is just so nice to sleep in the arms of your sweetheart.

 

My take is that he has some committment or intimacy issues. You want a man who will spoon you to sleep. Find a new boyfriend.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

I think that the issue between the two of you existed from the start and will always exist because of the difference between both of your expectations in the relationship.

 

To me, it sounds like you want intimacy- the kind of intimacy that only a man who is romantically attached to you can give you.

 

He wants a partner- someone that he can be friends with and share experiences with. Sex may or may not be a part of the partnership.

 

Right now, the two of you are connected by social and physical chemistry, but a romantic relationship transcends the social and physical.

 

The fact that he can never see himself sleeping in the same bed as you is just a symptom of the over-arching problem of differing expectations.

 

The guy you speak of seems to understand that you want more from him than he can ever give of himself.

[Ms Darcy]

I hope you don't end up wasting more time on this guy. He's been a waste for weeks, as I keep saying.

 

Intimacy is important and he can't give it to you in more than one way (time together consistently, sleeping together).

 

This is a guy who would drag his feet on marriage.

 

Did you notice how he said he was surprised you stuck around this long? Because women before you would not put up with that mess.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

I hope you don't end up wasting more time on this guy. He's been a waste for weeks, as I keep saying.

 

He is not a waste of time if the original poster can learn from her mistake. The mistake was staying with a man that was only partially interested from the start. If she can learn to recognize behavior that indicates that the man is not fully engaged, she will then have much more satisfying relationships in the future.

 

There are signs that indicate when a man is not completely interested. The original poster should use the man that she mentioned as a reference going forward.