mlxx Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 I found out i;m pregnant 12 weeks ago and my boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion. I initially agreed but then changed my mind. He was not happy with me and said that he'd always resent that decision. He wanted to stay together but said he was not happy that i chose to keep the baby He made me not tell anyone at all. I wanted my boss to know because i work as a vet and couldn't do some things. He kept putting it off and off. It wasn't even mentioned after i organised a scan and that. I brought the subject up last week and he went crazy with me, said that his life was ****ed up and women were manipulating. He said I'd still have time to change my mind about the abortion. He later took back what he said. I ended it with him until he went and sorted his head out as to what he wanted. I really love him and i want this to work. Maybe it never will. I don't know how I will know if its ok to be in a relationship with him. He says he's mad about me and will go and talk to someone professional with me if thats what it takes. I don't know what to do next Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 I think it's in the best interests of your unborn child (and later when he/she is born) to have a civil relationship with the father -make sure you establish his paternity, and to give him every opportunity to be an involved father. I would not stay in a romantic relationship with him. Link to comment
mlxx Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 I want to give him the best possible chance I can. We're really good friends and get on really well. I have booked myself in for counselling so i can get my head clear as to what i want. I would like to give him a chance if i can, do you think there is any way I can? Link to comment
becomingkate Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 I would take it day by day, but try to stay as independent as you can. Include him, but in the end, it has to be about you and the child. Had you been living together before? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Despite being the father of this child he is allowed to feel negatively about an unplanned pregnancy. He has to respect your decision about whether to get an abortion or not but he doesn't have to like it. How long have you been dating? Link to comment
markie6 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Having been through something very similar , I would advise you just to look after your and your babies health. Don't let anybody coerce you into something you don't want to do. Link to comment
mlxx Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 We've been going out for 4 years. We've never lived together, I work about an hour away from where he lives. I would happily move nearer and get a job closer. There are a few things he needs to sort out in his life at the minute-house and moving job and that. I feel like no contact for a while is the best until he figures what he wants but i'm afraid of isolating him Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 If he is sorry and wants to be with you and you want to be with him why not try? It's understandable he freaked out a bit. I got pregnant 6 months into my relationship on the pill. My OH was excited but I wasn't at first. We now have a 4 month old baby who I love more than life. We have had ups and downs. He flirted with other women online but we have got over that and made it work. It hasn't been easy, but men can freak out about pregnancy etc. (not meaning to be sexist, I know women can freak out too, I sure did!) Do whatever makes you happy and stresses you out at the least. Time to focus on you and the baby. If he wants to be part of your lives I'd maybe see how it goes because being a single parent is HARD. If you can't be 'with' him at least help him to have a good relationship with the child. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 I'd say you get couples councelling before ever thinking that your relationship can move forward without resentment. If you want to be with him and he with you then suggest it to him and see if he's willing so that you're on track when this child arrives. I think the help of a professional will give your relationship a better chance of lasting the test of time. Good luck. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Maybe I ask, why you changed your mind? And what time span that was? I mean, between when you agreed and when you changed your mind, how much time passed? Link to comment
mlxx Posted February 24, 2013 Author Share Posted February 24, 2013 Thanks for all your replies. I found out i was pregnant and obviously it wasn't planned, the first thing I did was tell him and the second thing i did was look up online about working as a vet and being pregnant. When i met with him that evening however he said we should have an abortion and he had me on teh phone that night at 11pm calling the centre. I was in shock about been pregnant and cried the whole way through the call. The next morning I was leaving my home place for work and I panicked and told my mother everything, she said if I wasn't sure don't rush it. So I contacted my BF that day and said i needed time and there was no rush. Later I asked him if there was any way we could make it work and he said no, that it was not possible for him anyway. I tried to break up with him then because I couldn't have an abortion and that is when he said he didn't want to lose me but didn't like the decision. I'm not sure if i'm the weak person because I couldn't say that night that i found out I wanted to keep the baby but I wish I did. I'm so glad I spoke to my mother the next morning because we would have been on a plane that weekend to have an abortion and I would not cope. I feel so guilty that i made this decision against his will as we always decide things together. He said he would talk to someone with me if thats what it takes to make it work. Does couple counselling work? Perhaps I need to go and see someone myself first because sometimes I'm weak about speaking what I want. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 Couples therapy does work as long as both of you are willing to go without being forced into and you're both open to being honest, open and to communicating effectively. Your therapist will help you with all of that. Good luck, mixx. It's so nice to hear you trusted your mother enough to go to her before making any hasty decisions. I'm pro choice and the means pro either way. Here's to a happy, healthy and long lasting relationship for all three of you Link to comment
Jennifer89 Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 Good job speaking up for yourself! You probably just went along with what he said because you were in shock and uncertain, and to hear the guy your with tell you he's not interested isn't the response any girl ever hopes for. But the important thing is that you stood up for yourself and didn't cave in to what he wanted. I am pro choice and I don't think everyone comes to regret abortions, but you would have if you had gone in unsure. I hope it all goes well! Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 I don't think you are weak at all! Of course you were in shock and didn't know what to think one way or another right after learning about the pregnancy. I don't think anyone expects you to know everything you feel, everything you want, everything on the spot like that. Not even him. I think it's more likely that he just doesn't know himself yet how to cope with this news. I asked because I was wondering if it was a long period of time - weeks - of telling him you were going to go through with an abortion, and then changing your mind. But you didn't, so that isn't relevant. Counseling is a good idea. Getting outside support, is a good idea. You are going through a lot, and I do think it really could help you 'get your head on straight' as you phrased it. It's good he's willing to work this through and willing to talk to somebody too. You know what that tells me? He just doesn't know how to deal with what is going on right now. But he wants to know how. Link to comment
missjulie529 Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 That is sad..I'm sorry! either way he is going to have to take care of it unless you put it up for adoption, which by the sounds of it you don't want to. Legally he will have to pay child support if you do decide to keep it. And this is all still fresh so maybe he will come around. Maybe he is just in a state of shock because he wasn't expecting this. Link to comment
missjulie529 Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 I am sorry though! Best wishes to you. Hopefully things will get better! Link to comment
sunshines Posted June 1, 2013 Share Posted June 1, 2013 I don't think it's necessarily he doesn't want the kid, maybe he isn't ready? Are you? I mean there are open adoptions these days where you can get pictures and such of your kid as they get older and somewhat still be a part of their life to an extent. If you really aren't ready and there are couples who really want children and can afford the lifestyle of raising a kid and you simply can't or aren't ready, then it really is better to think about if you are ready for it. It's better to think can you really afford the best life for this child or do you think this child would have everything they could need with a couple who is ready and been wanting a child? Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Let me ask you - if given the ideal situations - do you want children? If so, this guy will never be the one for you. You've been together for 4 years now, and the thought of you bringing a child into this world together should be aborted - lose him. Now if you've never wanted kids, then it's okay to think about things, and be okay with him not wanting this baby. I was incredibly coerced into having an abortion at 30, and we wind up braking up anyone. Either way, smart choice - I am now married to a wonderful man who was filled with joy when we got pregnant. if I had had that baby, I would have to be dealing with the dud for the rest of my life. He of course later admits that he wished he could have done everything differently (too late!!). Either way, still completely content of who I ended up with. But keep in mind - if there is any shred of wanting this child, picturing how they'll look (you can tell now if it's a boy or girl), take your sweet time to think about things. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Oh - sorry - didn't notice how old this post was! OP how are things?? Link to comment
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