I moved across the country to be with the love of my life

[kc18210]

I visited my high school sweetheart over the holidays and fell in love with her. We were never a couple when we were young, but we both had feelings for each other then, we were just too scared as kids to tell each other how we felt. My folks remarried and we moved very quickly when I was in high school, and I didn't see her again. Until facebook, I found her and we rekindled our friendship. I visited her over Christmas and I fell in love, after not seeing her for 15 years. I told her that if she wanted me to, I would move to be with her. She couldn't ask me to give up everything for her, even though she wanted me to. So, I did anyway. I left everything behind, quit my job, left all my friends and family, and moved accross the country and got a crappy apartment just so I could be near her. I have told her the deepest feelings anyone could ever say to someone else. I write her an email everyday loaded with small-talk, deep feelings, jokes, whatever. I asked her if she wanted me to stop sending them and she said no. She will text me a couple times a day, we will see each other every few days. This is the only woman I will ever love. She is the only thing in life that I will ever care about. I know she has feelings for me, she is extremely busy and gives me what time she can. She knows how much I have given up, how much of a risk I am taking, how I feel about her. She says that she doesn't want to feel pressured to be in a relationship though. I think she may be scared, because I am so honest. She will talk to me about anything, just rambles on and on which I love, except she won't talk about her feelings for me. She won't respond to anything deep, won't talk about anything deep, even though she is a deep person, I just get small talk from her. Just about the only thing deep she has told me that I seem to good to be true. It seems like it doesn't matter that I did all of this, that I have told her everything that I have, that I feel the way I do. Its like she would be behaving the same way towards me if I would never have given up everything, never told her how I felt, if we would have just stayed as long-distance pen pals. You would think she would either think I'm insane and shut me out completely or be madly in love with me, not the in between.

 

I don't get it? I know it is impulsive and a little crazy, to drop everything you have going on, leave behind everthing, and just give your life to someone else. I never thought this would happen to me. I mean, I'm a good guy, a lot of men use women, and I have never been like that. But I still never thought something like this would happen to me. But love is powerful. But isn't this what you women want? I have always heard women complain that they want a nice, caring, honest, sensitive, funny guy that will love them. I just don't understand? If someone told me the things I have told her, I would talk to them about it. If someone gave up everything for me, sacrificed their entire life, I would talk to them about it. She says it her defensive mechanism, she automatically blocks out all the deep stuff. She will joke about it, that she can't make up her mind how she feels, what she wants. I don't mind waiting, I mean hell! I moved here, so I got nothing else to do but wait! I just don't understand, and I'm the type of person that has to understand what is going on, especially in the most important situation of your life.

 

I don't even know what I'm asking for here. I guess women, what you think? Women are so complex. Men are simple. This is what I thought "I love this woman. I care about nothing else in life. So, I need to move to be with her." Simple, right? And I know you will probably respond with some BS Oprah quote or Dr. Phil non-sense, some line loaded with words like "space" and "time" and "pressure" and other crap. Understand me, this is not a dating situation, this is not a relationship situation. I don't play games, never have. I'm not looking to play games. This is the love of my life, it supersedes all that non-sense garbage that people do to each other when it comes to manipulation. I just want to know what she is thinking, and she won't tell me. But like I said, she isn't shutting me out, no matter how much I overwhelm her with my emotions, no matter what I say to her. Usually a woman would probably just shut out a guy and never speak to him again for doing that, pushing her too much. And the look in her eyes, and how she holds me. It is all there, so powerful, she just won't talk to me. Nothing sexual has happened though, which could be bad. I don't know. I just wish women would walk the talk, when they say they want honesty and openness. I just feel like I deserve that, you know? It just eats away at my mind! I wish someone would just shoot me in the head sometimes it drives me so crazy! And I can't tell her that, because it wouldn't make things better for me. If I just knew what was she is thinking I would feel so much better, but if I push her to tell me what she is thinking then it would make things worse for her.

[nutbrownhare]

I've been in your position, though I actually moved in with my then partner, and we'd planned to get married the following year. Three months later, he ended the relationship, so I was in a strange town with nowhere to live. I wouldn't have made that move, though, if I hadn't been pretty certain I'd like living in this area whatever happened with the relationship, not that I expected us to split up, but just because you never know what's round the corner.

 

Sadly, this girl owes you nothing. The decision was entirely yours, just as my decision was entirely mine. Yes, the other person can apply a great deal of pressure, but ultimately you are the only person responsible for your own relocation. You made your move in the hope that it would have a certain effect on her feelings for you, but, sadly, life's just not like that. The way you write, you seem to think that she owes you something because you have given up so much. She doesn't. And feeding that sense of entitlement will only leave you feeling bitter, angry and resentful.

 

You are looking to her to make you feel better, and your sense of well being is dependent on her and her actions and feelings. This is a very vulnerable position to put yourself in, and you need to pull yourself away from the victim mentality of deserving something and needing something from her which she quite clearly isn't going to give. You are ignoring the options open to you.

 

This is not going to be the relationship you hoped for, that much is clear. The choices are:

- accept it as it is and carry on anyway

- accept that it IS the way it is, decide that's not for you, and move on - which may mean...

- you stay where you are geographically and make a new life for yourself independently of her or

- you move somewhere else new to you, perhaps for a new job or

- move back to where you came from.

 

You can't change another person. You can't make them feel the way you want them to feel, and you can't make them share stuff they don't want to share. Stop trying, and put your energy into building a happy life for yourself.

 

Good luck!

[kc18210]

Thank you. I think you understand, being in my position before. She does feel something, she just doesn't want to talk about it. You underestimate my feelings for her though. And it is soon, her feelings are still developing. I have only been here a short time. She is a very structured person and this move has thrown her out of her comfort zone. This is my life goal though, not a short time goal. Like I said, its not a dating or relationship kind of thing. Its all or nothing. I know she doesn't owe me anything, its just frustrating. I'm not used to this, I've never been in love before, and I doubt most people have ever had feelings this strong for anyone in the entire life that I have for her.

[bulletproof]

...and I doubt most people have ever had feelings this strong for anyone in the entire life that I have for her.

 

Many people feel this way. I think you need to take a step back from this situation because you have lost all perspective.

 

I doubt that she is holding back because she is scared. My guess, as a woman, is that she is holding back because she doesn't feel romantic feelings towards you. She might care for you, enjoy your friendship, etc., but it doesn't sound like she wants to date you. Because if she did, she would just do it.

 

Despite what mainstream media makes us think, caring about nothing else in life besides another human is really unhealthy. You seem obsessed as opposed to being in love.

 

Don't make anyone your whole life, because that will inevitably backfire on you.

[bulletproof]

Also, it seems from your prior thread that you were in love and considering marriage with someone else only seven months ago. Not sure when that ended, but it just sounds like you move a bit fast and that you like "wounded bird" types of women. You don't have to swoop in and save anyone. Live your own life and if she's interested in joining you in that journey, I'm sure she'll let you know.

[Rexcat84]

There is more than a connection or "a feeling of love" that builds a relationship. Other factors include timing, long term goals, aspirations, that need to be met to have a relationship. That is why its extremely dangerous to fall "in love" with someone so quickly, because it will hurt more deeply when two people are not on the same page with regards to how they want to live their lives.

Dropping everything to move for someone that you fell in love with over CHristmas is not honest. Basically you are putting demands on her because you moved for her.

 

I would think about this situation logically. She sounds like she is acting with a sense of normalcy (ie. talking to you every few days, keeping her emotions to herself). Its been less than two months, I can't imagine why she should be acting differently that she is.

[PaintWithLight]

You are all over the map here. Yes, people move in with other people all the time. They even change jobs or locations to build a life together. However, take a step back and peel off the knee-jerk reaction that somehow your love is more special and powerful than that of other mere mortals.

 

You are making big decisions in a very impulsive manner. You are wrapped up in some romantic moves here that will not be able to standup under the pressures of real life. Be honest, you do not even know this woman completely. Yet, you call her the love of your life after reconnecting over Xmas after not seeing each other for 15 years. Please if someone else told you this story, you would tell them to slow the boat a little?

 

It appears to me that you are projecting many things into this relationship which come from loneliness, fear, desperation in your own life. Back off. She has told you clearly if you would just listen. Your behavior is so over the top, it is giving her pause. It has nothing to do with women not being clear or with Dr. Phil or with giving people "space". You are too full on and she has reason to want to take things slower.

 

In the meantime, get real with yourself. Ask yourself what is causing this runaway train of dedication and infatuation. What is happening or not happening in your own life which would make life with her seem to be such a fantastic solution.

[kc18210]

I have lived all over the world, I have experienced many things most people would never imagine experiencing. I have always been a stable minded person, easy-going, friendly. Yes, I know things are moving fast. But this is the most important thing I have or will ever do in life. And no, nothing else matters to me. No, I'm not caught up in some infatuation here. I am 31, not a child. We have been in contact with each other for a couple years, I mentioned that we rekindled our friendship. We have been friends before this happened. Of course I didn't want to fall in love like this. Who wants to ever fall in love. Its miserable, and I promised myself after my last relationship that I wouldn't fall in love again. But you can't help it, it just happens.

 

No one has ever held me like she holds me. No one has ever looked into my eyes like she does. NO ONE, EVER. There is something there. I wouldn't have sacrificed everything I have on a whim. She is shy. I don't know how to get her to open up to me.

[itsallgrand]

This is gonna sound harsh - sorry.

 

Up and leaving for someone who has not made a commitment to you, that includes actions, is foolish. Regardless of age or gender.

 

It's basically chasing someone who wasn't interested to start with. She has even said "I don't want to feel pressured into a relationship." Dude, she doesn't want a relationship.

 

She likes that you give her attention, but ehh, big deal.

 

If it's all or nothing for you, I'd say go for NOTHING. Cause what is on offer is "mehhh, do what you want, doesn't matter to me".

[lavenderdove]

>>I don't mind waiting, I mean hell! I moved here, so I got nothing else to do but wait!

 

See, you could wait forever, but if she is an emotionally unavailable person not really interested in being in a close or 'normal' relationship, it won't do you any good. You may want to be the kind of person that shares intimate thoughts and feelings, she may be uncomfortable and intimacy scares her and makes her feel trapped and smothered.

 

You need to focus on more concrete things that don't require her to change her fundamental nature, or else decide that her fundamental nature is so different than yours that it won't work out. For example, you only see her every few days, what 2 times a week? Ask to see her 3 times a week? Then eventually 4, then 5, then move in together. Even if she is 'busy' she can make you a priority and you can find ways to share time together. You don't say how she is busy... for example, if she is a student and needs to study, you can cook dinner and share it together, then she can go study and you could stay at her place watching TV in another room. There are ways to be involved in each other's lives if she wants it.

 

But if the real issue is she doesn't want intimacy or doesn't want a relationship, that is going to be a big problem. So she comes out and says, 'i have feelings for you too.' Then what? If you are still only seeing each other twice a week and you want marriage or a live in situation, it isn't going to work.

 

So set more concrete goals around spending more time together and getting to know each other rather than trying to drag words out of her that she is not willing/prepared to say. She could say them, then dump you the next day if she decides she doesn't want to really be involved in a relationship. So you should focus on doing things that get you closer to having a real relationship rather than just dragging some words out of her. You can feel she's the love of your life, but if she is not interested in living that life with you, that won't matter. So stop focusing on the high drama emotions and start focusing on whether you can negotiate with her to get a relationship that suits both of you. If you can't, then it doesn't matter what your feelings are, and eventually she will feel smothered and leave if intimacy is not her cup of tea.

[PaintWithLight]

As itsallgrand said: this is going to sound harsh but you really do not hear how you sound.

 

When you talk about your last relationship, was it the one that was so important and life changing until she revealed her sexual past to you? You seem to leap down the road of imaginary perfection only to run face to face with reality and all its flaws.

 

This is not the most important thing you will do in your life. This statement is coming from an emotional 31-year old who should really know better. You have moved there on a whim. How did you resolve your last apartment and belongings? Did you sell them off or move everything there? What about changing jobs? Did you get a transfer within your company or are you starting over with a new job? Do you even have a job? What about other friends and support groups? Is she the only one that you know in town?

 

This is not normal courtship behavior. The decision to relocate is usually a joint one reached together after much decision and soul searching. You seemed to have done this all on your own. She has begged you to go slow and your response is that she is shy. You last statement is just plain chlling.

 

I don't know how to get her to open up to me. Don't you see that you have the cart before the horse? You made the big leap before you and her are even in sync. What you see as a reluctance to open up to you is a clear sign that this is not what she wanted to unfold. If it was, why did she not ask you to move in? All of your grandeoise plans seem completely one-sdied. Just because you have lived all over the world, don't mean that you are not bullying your way into this poor lady's life. What exactly have you sacrificed? I have a hunch it was very little since you are latching on to her to complete your life in such a dramatic manner.

 

Please arrange to see a counselor if you can. Your postings are filled with absolute statements and obsessive behaviors. You do not seem to be viewing this situation objectively. I am certain it has to scare her on some level. Find someone that you can talk this trough with and get some persepctive.

[bulletproof]

She is shy. I don't know how to get her to open up to me.

 

This does not sound like shyness. It sounds like she is not interested right now in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. Neither her actions nor her words indicate that she does.

[Wunderbarrr]

Mate... You might not see this, but you're being manipulative.

 

You give up what you have to move on your own free will closer to her, without being in a committed relationship with this girl and basically don't understand why she isn't as involved as you would like her to be. I know what you're thinking; 'how can we not be together as I did a generous move', you think she should feel guilty, that she owes you something now.

 

Look, everyone ins their lives has done this in one way or the other. Be it by buying just slightly overpriced presents for a girl while she has done nothing to 'deserve it'. Think about going to a 5 star restaurant as a first date or if you just started dating, buying gifts of €100 just because. Other examples are buying her a phone or a car. Why? Well, if she receives the phone and you start sending messages, she will feel guilty by not answering all of them, so you force the contact. Same goes for the car, she now has no reason to say 'I can not come over because of weather/crappy public transport/tired', she will feel guilty for not coming over (be it to a date or to yours). Now these are extreme examples, but not far from the truth and they actually happen more than you think.

 

You however got yourself in a harder situation, this girl thinks rationally and doesn't fall for it. It doesn't mean she sees what's going on, just like the above described 'guilt', it's often subconsciously. To translate your situation to above; you got yourself in debt to buy her a car, but she doesn't feel like using it really because she cares about the environment.

 

Really, apart from liking her, or if this is possible in such a short time, loving her, what did she do for you to make you burn your bridges and move to her? Probably nothing, since the status of a committed relationship really should of have been there to begin with, and that for quite a while, but you tried to force her into one because of your move.

 

And really, don't take this as too offencive, your actions are mostly done subconsciously as well, but the fact that you describe your self as a 'nice guy' already says enough, you treat her like a princess while she hasn't done anything yet to deserve that. I'm not talking about the usual nice guy vs bad guy thing, no, it's just rational thinking, but apparently you let your self slip when a girl smiles at you.