My b/f won't introduce me to his parents

[Doc Blaze]

Not really, if he doesn't use it, he doesn't put much merit in it, so I think we are putting too much emphasis on Facebook, and too little on the parent issue. THAT is more important than a stupid Web site.

 

its not a stupid website..its a piece to the issue.. but like Camus and one other person had stated..how often does he use it...

[rosasnyder811]

It is a stupid Website, and I'm the one who brought up "how often he uses it."

 

Again, why is everyone focused on a material, ridiculous thing, and not on the parents issue?

 

its not a stupid website..its a piece to the issue.. but like Camus and one other person had stated..how often does he use it...

[Moontiger]

It is a stupid Website, and I'm the one who brought up "how often he uses it."

 

Again, why is everyone focused on a material, ridiculous thing, and not on the parents issue?

 

At the start of this thread several people comment on the parent thing. We got side tracked by the facebook thing because several people expressed an opinion that not adding an SO on FB really matters.

[Doc Blaze]

It is a stupid Website, and I'm the one who brought up "how often he uses it."

 

Again, why is everyone focused on a material, ridiculous thing, and not on the parents issue?

 

 

not gonna argue about "stupid" website to each other own;. and no it was brought up before you by someone

[camus154]

So, if you dated a girl who refused to let you see her facebook page (had it so private you could not even see her pictures). You would be 100% ok with that and not question it at all? You would after a year of dating just accept it?

 

I can't give you a fair answer to that because neither me nor my girlfriend have FB accounts. I did have one when I started dating her and she had an old one that she never used, and I quickly dumped mine not too long after. Not because of her, but because I rarely used it and one of my buddies posted something really crass on my wall, so all my nieces and nephews and coworkers and family members got to see it. All done Facebook.

 

With the writing the book thing, the point was he is letting everyone else in on something while actively excluding his girlfriend who he is supposed to love. It's one thing for a person to want to comb through your facebook page and then freak out because a friend from high school likes a post. It's a completely other thing to want to be included in your SO's life in away that is very reasonable and respectful.

 

But how do you know which scenario will play out? Sure, the OP just wants to be friends on Facebook. But who's to say it won't quickly turn into her combing through his profile questioning every comment she sees? Again, it happens all the time. Even here you can see how easily people internalize Facebook-goings-on in relation to their own worth. That's the human nature part.

 

Since everyone questions why he wouldn't just add her to begin with and what harm would that possibly be, let me turn that around a bit: what value does the OP gain from being his FB buddy? Why is it so necessary for them to be friends online?

 

See if you can answer that without either speaking to the internalized ego of having what everyone else has, or the ability to see what he's really up to.

[Moontiger]

Him adding her is a reflection of him wanting her to be an integrated part of her life. It shows that he wants people to know about her. When my BF and I started dating he took many steps to make sure people in his life, friends, family, coworkers, knew about me. And I did the same things. So the question then becomes: Why does he want to keep her a secret? Is he keeping her a secret from everyone? A few people? One person? If so, why?

 

I think after a year he should know if she is the crazy over reacting type and if she is then he should have already broken up with her. This leads me to think she is not which means she would not do that on his facebook page. If he doesn't trust her then the relationship is doomed.

 

As to your last question it goes back to example (which you have ignored) about have conversations on the phone.

[penelope13]

This is all based on the premis that facebook is the only (valid/acceptable) manner to inform friends/family that you have a special somebody in your life.

 

I use facebook solely for keeping in touch with acquaintances, people I talked to on a very irregular basis and who usually live far away. With anyone who has any significance in my life I keep in touch off the internet (very old fashioned of me, I know). Nobody ever complaint about this and nobody ever questioned my motives behind this.

 

Do I really need to share with the FB world that I'm in a relationship for my partner to know how serious I am about him? No, there are a million other ways.

 

If someone ever would consider it a deal breaker - that would be a red flag for ME (I know I'm somewhat of an exception on that), because it would speak about very different make ups in our personalities.

 

I can accept that people are using FB for all sorts of different reasons - however I'm astounded how often people refuse to consider any other use/interpretation of its use than their own.

 

 

As for the parent thing: it also depends on the circumstances. If the parents live close by and he spends a significant amount of time with them, then it might be a bit curious why he never brings around a girlfriend. But if he has a strained relationship and doesn't share the emotional part of his life with them, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't want to introduce someone unless he is about to propose.

 

As someone else said: not every action (or lack thereof) has to be a direct reflection on the partner and the quality of the relationship. There could be totally unrelated issues and concerns.

[Moontiger]

But would you complete block your SO from your FB page? Actively keeping them from seeing it?

[camus154]

Him adding her is a reflection of him wanting her to be an integrated part of her life. It shows that he wants people to know about her. When my BF and I started dating he took many steps to make sure people in his life, friends, family, coworkers, knew about me. And I did the same things. So the question then becomes: Why does he want to keep her a secret? Is he keeping her a secret from everyone? A few people? One person? If so, why?

 

But this just reiterates my point. Who says it's a reflection of him wanting to "integrate" her into his life? Who's attaching such a value on his online life to begin with? Who's stipulating that by doing this you're trying to show the world you're together, and why is this online world so important anyway?

 

You are, of course. This is exactly what I mean about strings being attached. Look how much meaning and value--centered around you--you've extrapolated from simply adding someone as a friend on FB.

 

What about him? Don't you think it's kind of silly to put such much value behind something without even factoring in what this actually means to him? And why is it ok to ignore the value he might attach to this while judging him by your standards if he doesn't add you?

 

I think after a year he should know if she is the crazy over reacting type and if she is then he should have already broken up with her. This leads me to think she is not which means she would not do that on his facebook page. If he doesn't trust her then the relationship is doomed.

 

But I could just as easily say after a year of being with him, she should know whether he's really married or up to no good, regardless of Facebook. If she doesn't trust him, then the relationship is doomed.

 

As to your last question it goes back to example (which you have ignored) about have conversations on the phone.

 

So in other words, this has nothing to do with any real need to be FB friends. It's all about what other people have access to and she doesn't. Or really, it's not about what she doesn't have, but why she doesn't have it. It's not that she wants to listen in to these phone calls, it's the fact that he takes steps to make sure she can't.

[penelope13]

I wouldn't shut my fb page off if my partner is in the room, nor would I actively keep him from looking at my page , but I don't feel the need to add him or be added to his. He doesn't need to see my FB to know about any important interaction I have with anyone, because I would simply tell him in person. However, I don't feel the need to give him specific access to every little stupid thing in my life. I have put my settings as well in such a way that only friends and friends-of-friends can search/see my picture. Not because I have anything to hide, but because I'm a private person and don't feel the urge to purge everything about me on the internet. People who need to get in touch with me will be able to find my professional email address without any issue.

 

Having access to everything and anything hasn't really improved the quality of relationships in comparison to when all of these social media didn't exist yet. Of course in many ways it's simple and easy - but for people I care about I'm willing to make the effort and pick up the phone or email or skype - real time interaction.

 

If a partner wanted to hide something and be shady - he can. No matter how much access I have to his accounts, passwords etc. Thus I either trust my partner and our relationship - and it's in my power to work on our communication in such a way that I can feel secure about it - or I don't. If I don't - there would always be something I could chose to obsess/worry about.

[camus154]

Having access to everything and anything hasn't really improved the quality of relationships in comparison to when all of these social media didn't exist yet. Of course in many ways it's simple and easy - but for people I care about I'm willing to make the effort and pick up the phone or email or skype - real time interaction.

 

If a partner wanted to hide something and be shady - he can. No matter how much access I have to his accounts, passwords etc. Thus I either trust my partner and our relationship - and it's in my power to work on our communication in such a way that I can feel secure about it - or I don't. If I don't - there would always be something I could chose to obsess/worry about.

 

This!! Said in a much more lucid and concise way than I could have.

[Moontiger]

Hey, if you would feel comfortable and would not question your GF refusing to have a phone conversation in front of you and actively trying to prevent you from hearing anything she does on the phone then that's your choice. Most people would not feel comfortable with that and think that something was going on. That is how I see this facebook situation.

 

If this guy is sharing his life (which in modern times is often done via facebook) with random people he hasn't seen in years how is it supposed to make his girlfriend feel that she cannot be apart of that? Especially when he is actively keeping her being a part of it when she seems to have very respectfully ask to be and gotten not good answer as to why he doesn't want her to be.

 

What value can he get from hiding his girlfriend? I don't see any reasonable way to explain that. What are the reason kept something a secret? The answer is rarely anything good. Perhaps its because I am a woman and therefore see this more from the GF point of view, but it seems to me she has not made a huge fuss about this until recently. It seems she has tried to give him his space and make him feel comfortable only to continually be kept a secret.

 

He doesn't trust her and/or is keeping her a secret. If he was really worried about the facebook drama (as others have pointed out) he would not have a page at all. Since he does we can conclude he doesn't want her having access to it and he doesn't want other people to see her on his facebook page. So again, the question why?

[EssexMan]

what value does the OP gain from being his FB buddy?

 

Well, for a start, she maybe gains more respect from his friends including any mutual friends, who at the moment might well conclude he doesn't trust/care about/whatever her enough to add her on FB.

[penelope13]

You value your friends partners because they put a status on FB? - I value those partners because friend has introduced me to them in real life and I observe their interaction in real life. I introduce my partner to my friends - thus they don't have to go home and check their FB feeds to know I am serious about him.

 

FB is ONE way to communicate that you are in a relationship - but it's NOT the only one.

[EssexMan]

I can accept that people are using FB for all sorts of different reasons - however I'm astounded how often people refuse to consider any other use/interpretation of its use than their own.

 

I think it's worth remembering that the issue clearly is important to the OP in the context of her own use of Facebook, or at least the value she places on it. And, presumably, she is aware to at least some extent of the way her bf uses and regards it. So really, whether other people do or don't consider FB significant is a little irrelevant.

[EssexMan]

You value your friends partners because they put a status on FB?

 

Er, no. What I mean is that if I know A and B are in a relationship, and both active on Facebook, and yet I notice that they are not Facebook friends, I'm going to think that's really odd, and wonder if their relationship is all it seems to be.

 

The fact that there are other ways of communicating with, and learning about, people apart from FB doesn't negate the equally true fact that people do use FB for that. They just do, whether or not the world would be a better place if they didn't!

[penelope13]

I'm always surprised that people assume their interpretation and values are more important than their partners and thus the partner is always in the wrong ...

 

am I glad that my partner has a similar approach to these things ...

[camus154]

Er, no. What I mean is that if I know A and B are in a relationship, and both active on Facebook, and yet I notice that they are not Facebook friends, I'm going to think that's really odd, and wonder if their relationship is all it seems to be.

 

Then that's your problem.

 

Why on earth would you care what your friends think about you and your partner just because you're not FB buddies?

[EssexMan]

Why on earth would you care what your friends think about you and your partner just because you're not FB buddies?

 

Because most people do care what other people, at least their friends, think about them?

 

We've had rather a lot of parallels drawn in this thread so I'll introduce another. Let's say you went with your wife or gf to some big social function attended by lots of your friends. But you made a point of arriving separately, not speaking to or looking at her or even standing near her for the duration of the event, and then leaving separately at the end of the evening.

 

Don't you think people would be whispering "Hey, what's up with Mr. and Mrs. Camus?" And don't you think that (assuming this strange behaviour wasn't by mutual consent) you might have put Mrs. Camus in a rather embarrassing situation?

[camus154]

Ok. So about the parents.

 

What shall we say about it, then? Here's what I see: she asked to meet them, he said no. She got angry and left and gave him the silent treatment, then he said they could meet.

 

Now what?

[EssexMan]

THIS is a PRIME example what is wrong with SOCIETY today--- we are more interested in WORDS ON A SCREEN and a bunch of BS on a drama-filled Web site

 

Don't speak of ENA that way, it's rude.

 

But seriously...the OP raised Facebook as an issue. Presumably it's real to her.

[rosasnyder811]

I'm not talking about the OP though...I'm talking about those that are responding. The FB issue is much less of an issue than meeting the parents, yet, that's all people want to focus on. In fact, people seem to be INCAPABLE of talking about the actual SOCIAL issue.

 

 

Don't speak of ENA that way, it's rude.

 

But seriously...the OP raised Facebook as an issue. Presumably it's real to her.

[Trinity11]

This is all based on the premis that facebook is the only (valid/acceptable) manner to inform friends/family that you have a special somebody in your life.

 

Except in this case, he hasn't used the other forms either. By introducing them.

[camus154]

Well, we're all ears, rosasnyder811. You want to focus on the parent aspect, so go for it.

[penelope13]

Except in this case, he hasn't used the other forms either. By introducing them.

 

Actually we don't know that. She could know his friends (and it's kind of likely if she spends nearly every day and each weekend with him) and she might know other family members, just not the parents.

 

In many cultures I know you only bring a GF home to meet parents if you are thinking about getting married.