My b/f won't introduce me to his parents

[Moontiger]

I have personally known only one person who has ever done what you are talking (over reacting to FB stuff). What was off the wall insecure and her boyfriend eventually broke up with her. So, I guess, over all I disagree with the idea that if you give someone an inch they will trample you. I have just not know it to happen 99.9% of the time.

 

One problem I have with the OP's situation is this: Been together for a year, that's a long time and seems fairly serious, so why do people who have what I guess could be calld "lesser status" in his life, get to see his FB page when, she the girl that he is suppose to love doesn't get that courtesy?

[SapphireNoir10]

Facebook doesn't cause drama for me or anyone I know. My boyfriend added me the night we met! (we'd been to the same school and everything just not fb friends and we bumped into eachother and he added me to talk)

 

He doesn't hide anything on there, and we never have drama.

 

It's just weird. Either thing alone. Maybe. But reluctance to introduce to family and reluctance to have her on FB and hiding things screams either a lack of commitment or hiding something.

[Erica73]

Sorry to say I think he's married. There is a reason why he's hiding you from his friends and family.

[superfan]

I would object very heavily with both of these things - they would seem like major red flags to me.

 

I know that a lot of men see introducing a girl to his parents as a big deal and therefore something they won't do until they are serious about the relationship - and that is fair. However, if you have been dating a year, I would think that should be enough time to decide whether or not the relationship is serious. My only caveat to this would be if he refused to introduce any girl to his parents unless he intended to marry them. If that were the case, however, he would not have already introduced ex girlfriends to them. I get that it maybe didn't go so well the last time, however (as you pointed out to him) you are not his last girlfriend and it is unfair to be held accountable for a situation that did not involve you. My first issue would be his unwillingness to let go of the past or take a chance on the relationship. The message that sends to me is that he doesn't think the relationship is serious enough to risk it a second time. My husband told me when he introduced me to his parents that I was the first girl he had ever introduced to his parents. He had never really had any serious relationships before me, so that had made sense. If however, he had, I would have expected them to have met his parents.

 

The second red flag would be his unwillingness to add her to facebook. I know others have stated that facebook and other social media should not dictate the seriousness of a relationship, however I think those people are still living in a different era. The fact is that social media is now a normal part of our every day lives. It has pervaded most aspects of our existence. One can try to ignore it or 'opt out' and that's fine. If he didn't have a facebook account because he objected philosophically to the medium that would be one thing, but he has an account and is refusing to add her to it. That is a red flag for me.

 

While one should not be expected to add a person they might be seeing casually to their facebook (especially if they are a bit more selective of their privacy), someone you have been seeing for a year is a different story. I work in a school and two of my colleagues have added me to facebook. When I discovered one of my other colleagues had an account I asked him to add me and he said he would rather not. He kept his facebook very private and only added close family and friends. I respected that. The only people he had on it were his kids, his wife and one or two very close friends. I think social media is something that we do need to be wary of (and educated about).

 

I think the problems that do arise where facebook and other social media is concerned is not that people use them, but that they do not use them wisely. My husband is on my facebook and I have a large number of facebook friends. However, I am careful with my privacy settings, I never post statuses that are overly personal or could compromise me in a personal or professional way and my husband and I know each other's passwords for everything. We are 100% transparent and I have never had "drama" that was caused by or made worse by social media.

 

The fact that he is SO secretive about adding someone he has been seeing for a year to his social networking profile would be a concern for me. Added to the fact that he won't introduce her to his parents would give me the impression that he does not see the relationship as being serious enough to make these steps.

 

OP, who DOES he have on his facebook profile? Is it limited to close friends and family? Why does he not see you as being important enough to add?

 

I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk.

[happyfrank]

Sorry to say I think he's married. There is a reason why he's hiding you from his friends and family.

 

I would like to think she has been over his place after 1 year of being together.

[poetryandlyrics]

Bad Facebook for years, didn get any major drama. I dot do drama and am sensible with what I post and don't post. The only "drama" I had was one mentioning something on my page that I didn't want anyone to know so I deleted and messages. Another was when I posted a status, called something a term that means endearing to me hi somebody else took it the wrong way. What I did was to simply explain myself and to set boundaries for each of those cases. No problem after that. As long a person knows how to take care of themselves, it's cool.

 

That aside, you've been with him for a year! My boyfriend didn't meet mine till a year later (already met his but that wasn't really optional. He didn't want to meet mine. I suggested a road trip for my break (I'm six hours away, here for school), but I later found out he wanted to wait till he could see he could marry me someday. For you, I'd ask him, if I was you, when would he introduce you? If he still seems shady, that's your cue.

 

I agree fully what tvnerdgirl said.

[EssexMan]

I would like to think she has been over his place after 1 year of being together.

 

And they see each other nearly every day, and every weekend (weekend avoidance usually being taken as one of the sure signs of the dreaded married man!). I agree, it's all too easy to leap to being married as the explanation for any odd behaviour.

[Moontiger]

I would like to think she has been over his place after 1 year of being together.

 

Some men get an apartment away from there home so they can do just this. Have a girlfriend without the wife finding out. I don't know if he is married but there is certainly something shady going on with him.

[camus154]

I have personally known only one person who has ever done what you are talking (over reacting to FB stuff). What was off the wall insecure and her boyfriend eventually broke up with her. So, I guess, over all I disagree with the idea that if you give someone an inch they will trample you. I have just not know it to happen 99.9% of the time.

 

But your limited, personal sample set isn't really indicative of the norm or a larger reality. Again, how often in the forums is Facebook brought up as either an ancillary factor or the primary factor behind the OP's issue? And then you have actual data behind generational trends and growing up in the digital age, and how kids today don't think twice about sharing their every thought, emotion and deed online. It's a very real thing and it can't be addressed simply by saying "just use common sense and be drama free."

 

One problem I have with the OP's situation is this: Been together for a year, that's a long time and seems fairly serious, so why do people who have what I guess could be calld "lesser status" in his life, get to see his FB page when, she the girl that he is suppose to love doesn't get that courtesy?

 

Bingo, there's your drama. You've internalized this situation into a question of worth and just due. Now it's all about you (well, not you, but the hypothetical person asking this). Why should these "other" people get access when I don't? Aren't I worth that much? Doesn't he love me, after all?

[EssexMan]

how often in the forums is Facebook brought up as either an ancillary factor or the primary factor behind the OP's issue?

 

But isn't that just because, like it or not, a very large percentage of people do use Facebook? If we all met daily in the town square, it'd be getting snubbed in the town square that got brought up over and over again.

[Moontiger]

*shrug* its a legit question. The person asking (in this scenario) this question isn't causing drama or being self centered, rather, asking a very reasonable and logical question. It would be like if this guy had written a book and let all his friends and family read it be forbid his girlfriend from reading it.

[Moontiger]

I don't think the person who wants reasonable access and asks question is causing the drama. Its the person who hides things, refuses to explain is a reasonable way, and then calls the other person clingy/crazy/any other name who is causing the drama.

[happyfrank]

Some men get an apartment away from there home so they can do just this. Have a girlfriend without the wife finding out. I don't know if he is married but there is certainly something shady going on with him.

 

That should be hard to do since the invention of the telephone and keep it up for one year.

[Moontiger]

That should be hard to do since the invention of the telephone and keep it up for one year.

 

He and his wife could be estranged or separated. Like I said, I don't know if he is married just that he seems to be hiding something.

 

EDIT: I don't see who a telephone would effect a persons ability to do this. With cellphones you can just walk into the next room so the other person doesn't hear that you are saying, or just put it on silent and return calls when the other person is at work, exercising, picking up take out, etc.

[rosasnyder811]

You people seriously think not wanting to deal with Facebook drama is a red flag? Disagree. Experience shows that yes it does. Of course, I also have to agree with you because---then he just should not have facebook, anyway.

However, relationships existed before Facebook, and they will exist after Facebook. Let's not look too much into this.

 

It's the meeting the parents thing that causes concern.

Now, past relationships do scar us at times, and it takes some time for us to recover from that. However, keep reassuring him that you are not his ex. However, he has to understand that part of a relationship is eventually meeting the family.

However, keep in mind that the relationship is about you and him right now, not the family. Talk to him further about what you can do to alleviate his concerns. The bottom line is, if his parents don't like you, that is their problem, not his, not yours. You are not in a relationship with his parents, you are in a relationship with him. If he won't talk about it, then maybe I would start getting suspicious about it.

I would hope that if they don't like you, and you two ended up married, they would be supportive of him, since that's what parents are SUPPOSED to do.

[happyfrank]

He and his wife could be estranged or separated. Like I said, I don't know if he is married just that he seems to be hiding something.

 

EDIT: I don't see who a telephone would effect a persons ability to do this. With cellphones you can just walk into the next room so the other person doesn't hear that you are saying, or just put it on silent and return calls when the other person is at work, exercising, picking up take out, etc.

 

I would suggest her paying for online background check. This will eliminate any doubt.

[camus154]

I'm not saying it's not a reasonable question to ask. I'm just saying the fact that we even have to ask it says more about the drama behind Facebook than I think people are recognizing.

 

Facebook is a cultural norm, sure. But it comes with strings attached. Why? Because we're human. Because no one's really drama free completely. We have feelings and we view the world through a very selfish angle. Everything gets processed in terms of ourselves and what it means about us. That's just human nature. So when it becomes the norm to friend everyone on Facebook, look how we internalize it when someone doesn't add us. We question our worth and this person's motivations. We DO feel entitled to FB friendships BECAUSE it's the norm. And if something breaks out of the norm, then we naturally view it with suspicion. At the very least, the person *owes* us a reasonable explanation.

 

All that, regardless of what kind of relationship we have with the person in real life. I understand social media is a norm now, but I still think it's positively ridiculous how much we evaluate real-life circumstances according to an online norm.

 

And I wouldn't liken Facebook to writing a book, but rather to an on-going conversation with other people. The assumption that you should be FB buddies with your partner is the assumption that you should be able to view and participate in their conversations with other people. I know I'm woefully old-fashioned in this thinking, but to me that's a philosophically gross violation of privacy. Some people would say "if you have nothing to hide, why would you care if they listened in on your conversations anyway?" And that's my biggest problem with this whole thing. Privacy is no longer honored as something you simply deserve, but rather as a measure for how much you have to hide.

[superfan]

You people seriously think not wanting to deal with Facebook drama is a red flag? Disagree. Experience shows that yes it does. Of course, I also have to agree with you because---then he just should not have facebook, anyway.

However, relationships existed before Facebook, and they will exist after Facebook. Let's not look too much into this.

 

If he didn't want to deal with facebook drama at all, that would be one thing - he probably would not have an account. Most people out there who do not want to deal with facebook drama adopt that policy - they do not have facebook, twitter or any other form of social media.

 

The problem (and the red flag here) is that he DOES have these forms of social media and is refusing to include her in them. Add that to the fact that he won't introduce her to his parents and that spells a deliberate attempt to exclude her from the more personal areas of his life.

 

Red flag. Yes.

[EssexMan]

I still think it's positively ridiculous how much we evaluate real-life circumstances according to an online norm.

 

I get exactly what you're arguing, but for many people social media now are part of "real life", not an add-on. If the OP and her boyfriend are among those people, that's the point.

 

You compare it to not wanting the SO to listen in on every conversation. I'd say it's more like having a Bluebeard-style Secret Room to which they can never be admitted.

[rosasnyder811]

Well--- BUT--- how often does he use it? We aren't asking all the questions here. Maybe he uses it all the time, maybe he never uses it. If he never uses it, it's not so much a red flag.

[EssexMan]

Well--- BUT--- how often does he use it? We aren't asking all the questions here. Maybe he uses it all the time, maybe he never uses it. If he never uses it, it's not so much a red flag.

 

True, but it would then be (in a way) even more bizarre to refuse to add her.

[superfan]

Well--- BUT--- how often does he use it? We aren't asking all the questions here. Maybe he uses it all the time, maybe he never uses it. If he never uses it, it's not so much a red flag.

 

If he did not use it very often, then what would be the harm in adding her to it?? If he never uses it, then there shouldn't be any reason why his SO is not added to it.

[Moontiger]

So, if you dated a girl who refused to let you see her facebook page (had it so private you could not even see her pictures). You would be 100% ok with that and not question it at all? You would after a year of dating just accept it?

 

With the writing the book thing, the point was he is letting everyone else in on something while actively excluding his girlfriend who he is supposed to love. It's one thing for a person to want to comb through your facebook page and then freak out because a friend from high school likes a post. It's a completely other thing to want to be included in your SO's life in away that is very reasonable and respectful.

 

Let me try a different image: This would be like if the guy, every single time he got a phone call left the room, talked in a low voice, refused to have any kind of phone conversation in front of you. Is a person entitled to that? No. But is it weird and eyebrow raising behavior? Yes.

 

There is a fine balance

[camus154]

Well--- BUT--- how often does he use it? We aren't asking all the questions here. Maybe he uses it all the time, maybe he never uses it. If he never uses it, it's not so much a red flag.

 

It's interesting that this is the first time anyone has bothered to mention how HE uses Facebook or how important it is to HIM.

 

And that's the entire problem here with social media as a norm. Look how freely we feel entitled to stipulate what is and is not acceptable, all while utterly ignoring the person about whom we're making all these assumptions.

[rosasnyder811]

Not really, if he doesn't use it, he doesn't put much merit in it, so I think we are putting too much emphasis on Facebook, and too little on the parent issue. THAT is more important than a stupid Web site.

 

True, but it would then be (in a way) even more bizarre to refuse to add her.