Deciduous Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 OP - I would NOT say anything at all, no hints, nothing subtle, nothing nice, nothing - just nothing. Okay, I'm intrigued. You suggest he witholds all compliments and praise about her looks, clothes and body, for the rest of thier relationship. And that this will lead to a contented relationship with his girlfriend. Do tell me more, pl3asehelp. I'm genuiely intrigued by this strategy? Not one I'm familiar with, but I'm going to remain open - for now. Deci Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Maybe it's best to break up? Over such a trivial issue? Really? OP has already said "she is definetly the one for me. If it means no make-up/earings, etc I can live with that. The jewlery and make-up would just be an added bonus." Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 It is going to depend on the woman. I'd be seriously irritated if a man tried to steer me in a direction clothes/make up/etc. wise. It's happened a few times, but never with anyone I got real serious with. For me, I'll never ever ever be the woman that asks her man to wear a certain something, shave more, do this, do that when it comes to his body. And I don't want someone asking me either. What particularly irritates me is the "around the bend" way of trying to steer me into a certain look. The lathering on of compliments when I do what he wants, etc. The oh so subtle (not at all) mentioning of particular things he might like to see me in or look that might suit me. Compliments shouldn't be used for manipulation IMO. That's not nice. There are others who are more receptive and you can steer them and they won't think anything of it. What kind of woman is she? Use your knowledge of her to decide how to approach this, if at all. For me, the least obnoxious way is direct. If it is so important to you, best to be direct about it. "I really love how you look when you dress up, and would love it if you would do it more. What do you think of that?" something along those lines. That way, it's hard to get offended - she can just decide if she is open to it or not. The length of knowing someone does have relevance I think too...once you have been together a while, and are exclusive and trust each other lots, the security is there to work off of, and that means a lot when you are in essence, trying to steer someone to do something for your sake. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 of course it's great to compliment your partner, but i think what please was saying was that to lavish these compliments with the intention to change your partner is disingenous. it's not like they have been together for 3 years and she's let herself go. they've been dating for 3 months, and he's learning that she just isn't a makeup and earring kind of girl. at 3 months in, should your place really be to change that person's sense of fashion style? man or woman? Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 yup, totally agreed with you!! Link to comment
MizzGee Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I guess I'm just of a different mind. If he likes her in something, shouldn't he say so? I don't think of it as manipulation. Either way, the OP has already said that he is attracted to her with or without. I highly doubt this is something worth breaking up over. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 You should only compliment her when you feel like doing so. Do not use compliments to manipulate, as many have suggested in this thread. That cheapens the relationship. I think you need to look at why she stopped wearing it. Probably because it's a chore and one she got comfortable, she was relieved not to have to do it again. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I think you've gone too far, Seeker. I can understand that you feel very angry about this subject, but this really isn't constructive. It's okay to disagree, but not to insult. A fair amount of what you have written is belittling, disparaging and very hurtful. I think you owe the OP an apology. Deci I 100% agree with Deci. Poor guy just thinks it would be nice if his girlfriend wore earrings and a bit of makeup sometimes. He's even said that if she doesn't want to, it wouldn't matter because he already finds her beautiful and cares for her. The examples given are not manipulative at all. If I tell my boyfriend that I love his new haircut, is that manipulating him? Or that I have a favorite tie of his? Of course not. I do not have to apologize. It's not an insult. It's the truth and how I see the OP is trying to "convince/persuade" the girl to wear makeup or earrings more often. Here's my reason. When you start questioning about someone's appearance, you can't let go of the situation you are definitely trying to change the person. ESPECIALLY if you are posting this on the thread to the public. That's my term of manipulation. You are "trying" to change the variable to get the "result" that you want. Also, if you are complimenting the person, just so they "wear it more often." that's superficial isn't it? If you were doing it out of sincerity, then I have no problem apologizing to the OP. FOR EXAMPLE that you used "If my boyfriend got a new haircut, I compliment him." Yeah you compliment because you didn't tell him you like his haircut BEFORE for him to go to the barber to get his haircut right? But since the OP is doing it out of so he can see her in makeup and earrings, that's ridiculous. It's like training a puppy to do tricks. ALSO, It's like a girl's version saying "He used to text me all the time, bring me out to dinner, and make plans, now he is not putting in any effort to the relationship to call me all the time, bring me out, and make plans. All we ever do is go to his place to eat dinner and watch a movie. What change???" The girl he is dating will have the "Free will" to put on earrings and makeup. Maybe she only does that when she goes to an event. Or when they go out to dinner or whatever. Or maybe she feels herself when she is around him and thinks hey maybe i found a great guy who doesn't seem to care if I do wear or not wear makeup. She chooses whether or not to wear makeup and earrings. now I have that song, Aqua's "Barbie" song stuck in my head. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 you are definitely trying to change the person. I think trying to change small aspects of behaviour, as opposed to the underlying person, happens in all relationships. I don't really like horror movies, do you mind if I change the channel? Ow! That tickles! Stop! Is that teaching a puppy tricks, or just informing somebody about what you like? ESPECIALLY if you are posting this on the thread to the public. Not sure that I grasp your point there. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Changing behavior is different from changing appearance. I mean earrings and makeup = appearance. Not a behavior. That's the difference. Informing what you like is when they are actually already wearing it at that moment. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 What I'm grasping is the OP is seeking advice how to get the girl to wear makeup and earrings more often despite the fact "he is cool if she is wearing without too etc etc etc." Dang I need to use the laptop. Don't know how anyone uses a smartphone to respond on this board. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I agree, it shouldn't be over-stressed or become a big deal. But, how she presents herself is also a behaviour. Nothing wrong with her doing it how she wishes to, and nothing wrong with the OP subtly suggesting she might re-think it occasionally. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I agree, it shouldn't be over-stressed or become a big deal. But, how she presents herself is also a behaviour. Nothing wrong with her doing it how she wishes to, and nothing wrong with the OP subtly suggesting she might re-think it occasionally. Look, I get it she has a unieyebrow, a mustache, didn't take showers for days, smell, and LOOKs like a hoarder and disgusting. If she looks pretty normal dresses well aka looks good in anything she puts on, then that shouldn't have been such a huge deal but to the OP it probably is than he thinks or feels that it isn't. Like I said, if the OP doesn't liek the fact her "behavior" of presenting herself, he can go or stay. I mean I dont know what he looks like or she looks like. But if he wants her to change her "behavior" then maybe he should change his "behavior" too. If it's one sided where he is always presenting himself looking good and looking sharp, yeah maybe the girl should put in effort or he can get a girl who likes to stay sharp as well. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Look, I get it she has a unieyebrow, a mustache, didn't take showers for days, smell, and LOOKs like a hoarder and disgusting. If she looks pretty normal dresses well aka looks good in anything she puts on, then that shouldn't have been such a huge deal but to the OP it probably is than he thinks or feels that it isn't. Like I said, if the OP doesn't liek the fact her "behavior" of presenting herself, he can go or stay. I mean I dont know what he looks like or she looks like. But if he wants her to change her "behavior" then maybe he should change his "behavior" too. If it's one sided where he is always presenting himself looking good and looking sharp, yeah maybe the girl should put in effort or he can get a girl who likes to stay sharp as well. Huh? The OP asked a simple question. He likes her wearing ear-rings and make-up. It's not a deal-breaker for him, as he stated. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 What I'm grasping is the OP is seeking advice how to get the girl to wear makeup and earrings more often despite the fact "he is cool if she is wearing without too etc etc etc." That seems pretty normal to me - to be happy in a relationship but wish for certain ideal things to happen more often. The last two evenings my gf and I spent together, we watched The Wicker Man and Saving Private Ryan (they happened to be on TV). Both of them movies we both know very well, so we had good conversations about them. It would be nice there was a movie we could both talk about in depth every night. But I'm cool with it when there's not. It's not a relationship priority at all, just a nice thing. Is that very different? Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 That seems pretty normal to me - to be happy in a relationship but wish for certain ideal things to happen more often. The last two evenings my gf and I spent together, we watched The Wicker Man and Saving Private Ryan (they happened to be on TV). Both of them movies we both know very well, so we had good conversations about them. It would be nice there was a movie we could both talk about in depth every night. But I'm cool with it when there's not. It's not a relationship priority at all, just a nice thing. Is that very different? Yes, because you are compromising what show to watch. That's a thing. This is dealing with a person's appearance. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Huh? The OP asked a simple question. He likes her wearing ear-rings and make-up. It's not a deal-breaker for him, as he stated. He stated "How do I address this to her without sounding a shallow" whatever. lol sounds like a deal breaker to me indirectly. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Yes, because you are compromising what show to watch. Er, no, but anyway... Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 He stated "How do I address this to her without sounding a shallow" whatever. lol sounds like a deal breaker to me indirectly. It doesn't seem to be a deal breaker to the OP. And I agree, it would be a pretty ridiculous one. Link to comment
Deciduous Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I do not have to apologize. It's not an insult. It's the truth. You're right. You don't have to apologise. Fair enough. Your choice. I respect that. I do get a little nervous though when people say they are "speaking the truth" there-fore their words aren't hurtful or thoughtless. Deci Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I suggest you give her a pair of earrings so that she can wear them as a compliment back to you. I suggest you give up on the make-up part. Make-up is fraught with implications: is it a mask? what qualifies as wearing make-up? Just eyeliner, mascara or do you require the whole foundation, powder, blush etc exercise? Do you wear make-up? (I mean, I presume you don't.) Why should she? Social norms re women's appearance tend to replicate the looks of youth or the physical changes that occur during arousal. So, we dye our hair instead of going loud and proud with the gray, we wear make-up to make our eyes appear bigger and our lips fuller, blush to add that flush to the cheeks. Or, maybe she just enjoys the get-up-and-go aspect of being ready in a flash without having to be in front of the mirror. Or the joy of having clean skin. Or the joy of being comfortable the way she is. Girls sometimes laugh at how guys fall girls with make up. We know anyone can look a certain way. But not everyone can look a certain way without trying. Your gal can! Lucky you and she both! Years ago I would go visit my best friend in Manhattan, and she would implore me to wear make-up, and I did, for her, for the weekend. But if my bf were to ask me, I would question whether we were well suited. Link to comment
becomingkate Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 During the 90's, I had a friend named Debi that was very outdoorsy and casual. She was a tall blonde with blue eyes, and every now and then she'd dress up to go clubbing. When she started dating Eric, he started this whole makeover on her - apparently, he was attracted to high fashion and full make-up. First he started by buying her these sapphire earrings, which weren't her taste, but she thought they were very pretty. Next, he bought her these asymetrical dresses and skirts and tall white pumps, but she'd never really worn heels. In the end, all he'd done was hurt her self esteem, and she left him when he "bought" her a sports car that she didn't like (she had to make the payments.) I think that asking a gf to wear make-up might hurt her feelings, if that is not who she is from day to day. Link to comment
paperboy48 Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 So, just out of curiosity....is there any way to delete this thread Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 No we don't delete threads but we can lock them if you wish. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I'm the same way. I'm a tomboy by nature but I do like to dress up and put makeup on sometimes even though it's a rare thing. My husband is also like your boyfriend. He loves when I dress up but doesn't care if I don't. I think that's the difference. He has told me wear what you're comfortable and be yourself because that's who I fell in love with not your clothes and makeup. Link to comment
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