My boyfriend left me alone at Christmas :(

[emma27]

I just had surgery last Monday and my boyfriend and I got into an argument because he took forever at the market and didn't even come back with anything I needed. I know I was being grouchy but honestly I felt like **** I just had surgery, and PMSing to make matters worse. He got pissed and left and I have not seen or spoke to him since Wednesday. I do not understand why he would not come back even to get any of his stuff, we live together too and it's Christmas in a couple days which is devastating to me. He knows how important this holiday is to me especially since my Mom's passing 2 years ago. We have been together for over a year and have had almost a decade of history back and forth. He always leaves when we argue or disagree instead of staying and figuring things out like adults. I am so heartbroken . He promised me that he would stop leaving when we disagree but that is all he ever does. I think he stayed maybe twice out of the many times we have fought. I am devastated and at a loss for words. This Christmas will be so sad and lonely for me! I hope that there is a light at the end of this darkness. Why would he do this to me when he says he loves me so much and how he wants to have a family with me? How can he leave every time we don't agree? Now it is Christmas and I am all alone. He has not even tried to call or anything. I cannot bear to tell any of my friends also because I am sure they are sick of hearing how he breaks my heart over and over. I just don't understand how anyone could be so cruel, especially at Christmas and he knows this holiday means so much to me.

[DN]

Does he have a cellphone and/or do you know where he usually goes? Have you tried calling him?

[emma27]

Yes he has a cellphone and I tried texting/calling when he first left but stopped trying to contact him after Friday because he did not answer my texts or return my calls. I am assuming he is with family/friends getting drunk, he's good at that when we break up.

[PaintWithLight]

You are two dysfunctional people who fell into this relationship and decided to start living together. It sounds like you are locked into a codependency dance and neither one has the clarity to begin the steps to fix things. Perhaps I am reading too much between the lines but his walking away, his drinking, the decade of on and off, your guilting him because he should realize how much he is hurting you....wow. This has to stop.

 

See if someone can move out so there is clarity. Approach him about taking classes on codependency. If not, you need to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

[emma27]

But how can I be "guilting" him for treating me this way when I have not even spoken/seen him since last Wednesday? I do not think that his immature game playing reactions to every disagreement we have are something that should be in any mature relationship. I would like him to move out but he chooses to stay away. I have already asked him to come get his things and he still has not. He should however feel guilty for treating me like this especially when all I have ever done is given him second chances.

[DN]

Well, no doubt he would argue that he is tired of behaviour which is excused because of surgery or PMS, that he is tired of what to him is being nagged or yelled at being minimised as 'grouchy' and 'disagreements', that he also has given you second chances, and that he stays away because he would rather do that than continue the 'disagreement'.

[PaintWithLight]

So the guilting is just waiting to be delivered when he returns. You are drifting back and forth between outrage and feeling the victim. Wanting him pack and out the door is very different than "how can he treat me like this on Christmas."

 

Look at your whole history together. He does this because you have conditioned him that nothing will happen. As you said, you have a long history of back and forth. He is not going to change. If you have to find the strength to rebuild your life without him.

[emma27]

I guess I am just torn between what my idealistic Christmas with him should be and what reality is. I think that he and I have reached a point where we keep repeating the same patterns (him leaving, me taking him back) and we keep getting the same results. Monthly breakups over ridiculous disagreements. But at the end of the day, it was HIS choice to leave, not mine. He could have and probably should have come back if he care about me or loved me at all, but reality is setting in, and it sucks because I am realizing that he must not love me as much as I love him.

[Angel Irulan]

I can't tell you what to do. The can't live with them or without them drama becomes an overpowering addiction. It gets the adrenalin and all those good neurotransmitters going. It feels like love to some people. It's not. There are a ton of psych books on this topic. Get one and read it. If that upsets you too much, get a therapist and move on. You can't live happily like this forever.

 

Angel

[bulletproof]

Why would he do this to me when he says he loves me so much and how he wants to have a family with me?

 

I cannot bear to tell any of my friends also because I am sure they are sick of hearing how he breaks my heart over and over.

 

He does this because you keep taking him back. Why should he change?

 

Maybe your friends are right. Maybe it's time to stop letting him break your heart over and over.

[Angel Irulan]

PS Change is hard. Give yourself a few bad days here and there, to get used to your new life. Whenever God closes a door, somewhere a window opens.

 

Angel

[emma27]

We have had history of back and forth for so many years that I thought that being together now would only be natural and that we were meant to be, but it's like he is trying with all his might to prevent this from happening. He leaves, I take him back, he promises he will never leave again and he always breaks that promise. How do you leave the one you love in such a vulnerable position? I would NEVER put him in the position that I am in now.

[bulletproof]

He leaves, I take him back, he promises he will never leave again and he always breaks that promise.

 

Okay. So why keep on doing that?

[emma27]

Because I love him unconditionally, and have for a long time. I wish I could just turn these feelings off but I can't, it's not that easy.

[bulletproof]

Because I love him unconditionally, and have for a long time. I wish I could just turn these feelings off but I can't, it's not that easy.

 

Nobody said it was easy. But think about why you continue to have feelings of love within such a dysfunctional context. And "unconditional" love has its limits, too. It doesn't mean that you put up with poor treatment or stay in a lousy relationship, which is what this sounds like.

[emma27]

I guess I just have this fantasy that he will change because if he loved me then he would change right? I have changed a lot of things because I love him. Why can't he do the same thing for me?

[bulletproof]

I guess I just have this fantasy that he will change because if he loved me then he would change right? I have changed a lot of things because I love him. Why can't he do the same thing for me?

 

That was your choice to change things about yourself. He clearly doesn't feel that he needs to change. You can't expect someone to have the same feelings or actions that you have.

 

So you can continue to have the fantasy and keep asking why, or you can move on and make a better life for yourself.

[DN]

It takes two to enact this sort of ongoing drama so what does he say about his reasons for leaving?

[emma27]

He didn't want to hear me nag at him about taking so long at the store, which I understand but I do not think that my actions deserved to be left for a week without any communication whatsoever.

[emma27]

and he does not say anything about his reasons for leaving because he has not spoken to me since last Wednesday. FML

[CeeLambrini]

He leaves because he can come back. It's so easy for him. All he has to do when things get tough is leave for a few days - play at being single bachelor with his mates until he gets bored of runs out of money. Then comes back to you - by the time he's come back you're so relieved that he didn't actually leave you - or worse - something bad had happened to him that the original argument is dropped - he wins. All he has to do is put up with a day or so of you being upset that he left you and then everything's back to normal again.

 

He will always walk out on you - because you have shown him that he can always come back. You know what you should do this time? Pack up your things, leave a note, and stay with a friend for a few days/week. That'll make him panic - and he'll think twice before leaving you again if he wants this relationship. If he doesn't, he'll continue to walk out on you hoping that one day he'll come back and you'll be gone. He doesn't have to deal with breaking up with you when he makes you think it's your idea.

[catfeeder]

Do you have any friends or family of your own?

 

That's where I'd start. I'd begin thinking in terms of what I can give to other people--my time and interest, rather than what I can get from others--a dumping ground for my problems. I'd turn over a new leaf for the new year, and I'd start chopping up foods in someone else's kitchen or mine, walking short distances to heal from my surgery, and spreading whatever love I have to offer among people who deserve better from me than to be taken for granted.

 

As for Mr. Gone-right-now, he'd be Mr. Done. No fights and no venting to friends. I'd text him a deadline to pick up his things before I change the locks. If he ever decided he wanted me back, he could prove it over the course of 2013 by dating me from far away while I build my new life without dependency on him. He's undependable.

[emma27]

Thank you for all of your advice. Well, I never heard from him on Christmas, which really devastated me, as if I wasn't heartbroken enough. He did call me though today at 230 in the morning, wasted drunk, telling me how the past week has been hell for him, and he has been through so much in the past week. I was shocked, how dare he tell me that he has been through hell the past week, when he is the one who left me in the most vulnerable position I have ever been in. He kept calling me and I did not answer. I texted him and told him never to text/call me again and to just get the rest of his stuff from our place before I give it all away.

[PetiteGirl]

Oh good! Kick that loser out. If you ever feel a moment of weakness, remind yourself that you need to focus on loving yourself. Do what's best for you.

[DN]

It seems to be that there is a rush to judgement here. Obviously he isn't here to give his side but you aren't attempting to give us any perspective on what his reasons for acting this way might be. Are you really faultless in all of this? You seem to play down the 'grouchy' aspect of what sparked all this off.