Men Who Fear Rejection

[Ceema-k]

A close friend once explained to me that getting turned down for a date is not real rejection.

 

According to him, real rejection happens after you've dated someone for a long time and they break off the relationship because they cannot accept YOU anymore. When you've shared such intimate moments with someone and opened your heart to them... and they refuse to be with you anymore... well that is real rejection.

 

Needless to say, my friend's definition really put things into perspective. Still, my human ego and pride still doesn't fully understand the difference between getting turned down for a date by (literally) a stranger and getting rejected from someone who's actually had time to get to know you intimately.

 

something to think about.

[ck]

Now just a second here guys...Before you start calling us all "super hypcrites" think about what you're saying. You're saying we decide a lot on first appearance, which I won't deny, but you need to ask yourself this, what's attracted you to these girls?

 

I thought about it and yeah I still mean it

 

I know I'm probably way over my head here, posting in a male dominated thread and all *grins*, but just keep it somewhere in mind that women are afraid of all of this too. I can't say that I know anyone, male or female, who isn't afraid of being rejected. It just all comes down to who's willing to make the first move..

 

Ok women are afraid too nice to know; too bad it's irrelavent since women don't do any asking. Of course you don't know any females afraid of rejection it's aparent because they do none of the asking! If we compared making the first move you girls would be in taking baby steps by now. That's assuming yall even out of yall infancy period and even did any "first moves"

 

Everybody judges everybody else to a certain extent on appearance. Before you meet somebody it's the only thing you know about them, so of course it's going to happen. Just don't forget that it's still something that works both ways.

 

No everybody doesn't just to people who are stuck on looks that is a bogus excuse. Gosh when will you understand already in order for equality to work you have to have bothparticipants doing the approaching what is this *we* stuff all I have seen is

 

Approach>>>>guys

 

Stand there look and do nothing>>>>girls

[Mr. Cactus]

Just on the subject of male fear of rejection, I am wondering if males could more often see another perspective to this? Although I agree that rejection after an approach is a server and horrific blow, how about looking at it from the point of view of the lady? If she does not find anything in your demeanour or overall presentation that is sufficiently attractive or interesting, then rejection is most likely going to be the result.

 

Put the boot on the other foot. You are a man and you reject a lady's advances. I don't have to ask you why, because you would surely have a very specific list of reasons in your head as to precisely why you would reject her approach. The fact of the matter is people of both sexes are always going to be put in social situations in which they find others unattractive for one reason or another - and the best course of action is rejection.

 

That said, to the other poster who questioned the benefit as to why the modern era and increased rejection is of any benefit to those who are rejected. Well, I'd say two things in relation to that. One is that it gives the rejected person more "practise", and gives them a much better perspective regarding what aspects of their persona are attractive to particular typs of people (or not). Secondly, it's arguable that increased fickleness on the part of ladies is a plus point when it comes to developing relationships that have some chance of lasting or at least developing to the point where it is of the most benefit to both parties.

[Fretless]

Why are some men afraid to approach women, even if they really like the particular woman?

 

How about this: if you women can come up with a considerate, sensitive and cruelty-free way of rejecting us, we men will approach you more often!

[sweetapples]

I got rejected last week, but I'm used to it now because I've already been rejected about 40 times this year.

[Mun]

Everyone has made their point about hating rejection and having bruised egos. We all agree that rejection is not pretty.

 

How about we start seeing some suggestions on how to turn someone down without being cruel.

[Scout]

I can't figure out the purpose of this topic...to bash women or come up with some constructive solutions on how both genders can more equally do the approaching - and rejecting, I guess.

 

CK, I know that I can't change your mind that all women aren't hypocrites and liars. I'm not even gonna try this time. I can only hope you meet a great girl one day who eases the pain of your past rejections and hurts. Many times I'm tempted to give up on men, too, but well...I just can't!

 

I definitely approach guys if I see one that looks attractive and approachable, as in having a friendly aura. In fact, last night I approached one and chatted with him for a few moments...then he said he was there with his girlfriend. Talk about an awkward moment...how do you disengage from a situation like that?? I'm afraid I didn't handle it very gracefully. I said, oh I see! well...bye!

 

Needless to say, his girlfriend glared at me for the rest of the night.

[ck]

CK, I know that I can't change your mind that all women aren't hypocrites and liars. I'm not even gonna try this time. I can only hope you meet a great girl one day who eases the pain of your past rejections and hurts. Many times I'm tempted to give up on men, too, but well...I just can't!

 

scout

 

I learned to live on and be just fine with or without women, so I'll be looking forward to reading your future post on all the good and bad dates you have.

 

I'm sure a few guys on here are looking forward to hear my experience and opinions on subject matters they appear to be going through now.

[doorik]

I learned to live on and be just fine with or without women, so I'll be looking forward to reading your future post on all the good and bad dates you have.

 

I'm sure a few guys on here are looking forward to hear my experience and opinions on subject matters they appear to be going through now.

 

Well then let's start with me. CK I know you'll love this one - It's the story of my all time worst rejection.

 

I was at The Madison (a local bar here in Toronto) during my second year at U of T. Early on in the evening I spotted a cute girl with a couple of friends at a nearby table. So I sat there contemplating my move. I thought to myself "alright, time to do this". I then ordered one more rye and ging and set off to talk to her. When I was within a few feet of her she said, and I quote "Sorry, you're half a foot too short and a body size too small, so don't even bother" (I stand 5'8 and weigh 170). The textbook example of salting wounds would be the hysterical laughter coming from her two friends. What was I feeling at the time? Absolute dejection. The rest of the evening I sat at my table and drank....It was at least a month later when I asked out another girl.

 

As a bonus, here's a rejection of one from one of my friends by a young lady. "You gotta be this tall (hand indicating a good foot taller than her), to ride this ride". The way she said it indicates it's a line she uses often.

[ck]

At Doorik

 

There are many people probably taller than her, see a joke just popped into my head but let me stop

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

It is definitely shyness because I go through the same thing. I have a hard time talking or making eye contact with a girl I like.

[Scout]

doorik, that is terrible. I mean, it's beyond rude, and yes, it makes us females look awful when one witch decides to make her friends laugh at a guy's expense who is actually paying her a (undeserved) compliment by asking her to dance.

 

I know it's hard to believe after someone does something so hateful, but many, many females were raised better than that and would never say something so despicable. I am truly sorry that happened to you. I do commend you for not waiting longer than a month before you approached another girl.

 

BTW, your weight and height are just fine. On the other hand, she is simply a classless jerk.

[ltorivia]

I agree with Scout.

What those women did to you was awful. I know I prefer taller men when I go on dates (i'm 5'9" tall), but I wouldn't mind going out with a guy shorter than me. Many of my best male friends are my height or shorter.

 

Just scratch that memory out of your mind. Not all women are that cruel.

[doorik]

doorik, that is terrible. I mean, it's beyond rude, and yes, it makes us females look awful when one witch decides to make her friends laugh at a guy's expense who is actually paying her a (undeserved) compliment by asking her to dance.

 

I know it's hard to believe after someone does something so hateful, but many, many females were raised better than that and would never say something so despicable. I am truly sorry that happened to you. I do commend you for not waiting longer than a month before you approached another girl.

 

BTW, your weight and height are just fine. On the other hand, she is simply a classless jerk.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement - They are much appreciated. I guess you can see where my point of stems from. You have to understand how guys like ck and I form our opinions Scout. Our experiences pretty much formulate our responses and not just misconceptions or assumptions about you ladies. They are cumulative and push us into becoming jaded no matter how much I want to believe that I won't turn out like that. As a side note, I actually have a top five list of worst rejections (Kinda like the movie High Fidelity).

[Michael36]

Why are some men afraid to approach women, even if they really like the particular woman?

In my case, because the pain of rejection outweighs the pleasure of dating.

 

That wasn't always the case. But now that I have so many deep scars from prior rejections, I just don't have the stomach for it anymore. Women often complain about men being hard to please, but I think as a general rule, women are much harder to please than men. To please the average guy, all a girl has to do is look good and stroke his ego (among other things). But to please women -- particularly attractive ones -- there seem to be all sort of hoops that a guy has to jump through to keep her interested.

 

It's not enough for him to be good-looking and "nice." No no. He has to be confident, charming, charismatic, well-endowed, tough, witty, etc., etc. When I go out on a date with a girl I like, I usually end up getting the impression that she's thinking to herself, not "What can we do to have a nice time and get to know each other?," but "What can you do to entertain me?"

 

Women, in that sense, tend to be much more judgemental than men (especially when it comes to sex). And I don't know anyone who likes being judged, do you?

[Michael36]

Why is it that women claim to want equal oppertunity yet just still wait around for men to put THIER egos on the line and be the ones with the power on who to choose and why.

Exactly. This is why I think most women are puzzled as to why men don't approach them more often. Because they simply don't know what it's like to be rejected, not once, not twice, but over and over again in a relatively short period of time. The emotional scars that are caused by so many rejections run far deeper than the measly one or two rejections they might experience over the course of one year.

 

As I've said in other threads, women have simply got it made when it comes to dating. All they have to do is work out three times a week, eat healthy, and make themselves visible. That's it. A guy, by contrast, has to jump through one hoop after another like an animal in a circus. It's hard not to get disgusted with the whole process after a while.

[acts12]

You know whats worse. If you get over the fear of rejection, ask the girl out, and then she cant make up her mind. Or at least thats what it seems like cause she starts playing games. So instead of knowing either way, you are left wondering again. Thus, defeating the whole purpose of asking her out in the first place. If girls want to be asked out more, then once they get asked out they should at least respect the guy enough to make a decision either way instead of playing silly games.

[sweetapples]

Loved you post. It's great that you were able to overcome the girls cruel rejection and be able to approach again.

Also the rejection line that your friend got is funny.

Keep it up.

[DaXMan]

All I know is that I'm a Junior in HS and I'm 0/8. Most of the rejections have not really been too nice either (long stories). Each time, I "lick my wounds" and go at it again, but all I get are no's. It's almost like I expect the no before I ask her out, but I think optimistically anyway. A problem is the mexed signals - thay draw me in. A girl will give me a bunch of "convincing" signals, then slam me down when I ask her out and she wonders how I didn't see it coming.

 

My friends think I am desperate because I asked 8 girls out in my life. They've asked out, combined (4 in particular)................zero. I don't think I'm desperate - I think they're too shy to make a move, but then again, they aren't 0/8 -hopefully that quote "for every ten no's there 's one yes" thing is true cuz if so, I'm pretty colse... .

[Wreck]

I know this thread is a little stale, but I just ran accross it while Googling, read it from beginning to end, and goodness...

 

You guys need to stop wearing your hearts on your sleave. I hope I'm not being too harsh, but I really don't think you get it.

 

Yes, by approaching someone, you are risking rejection. But I wouldn't worry about the rejection, I'd be concerned with the risk. Its the willingness to take the risk that makes you a man. And how you handle the rejection IF it happens.

 

Look at it this way - an example. You're just graduating from college, no real work experience to speak of, but you're out there and you're interviewing for a job. The first interview you go on and don't land the job, to you give up because you've been rejected? Do you settle for some low-end job because its a "sure thing"? I sure hope not. If you believe in your worth, you'll be out their again, banging on doors, looking for a job. You won't take no for an answer.

 

Of course we're talking about rejection from women here (or men in some cases), which is much more personal, but you've got to stop letting so much ride on it. Don't have so much tied up in one person saying yes or no to your pursuing of them. Try to lighten up a little bit and have a good time.

[Derge]

I wont approach a girl I like because basically if she says No It would destroy me. I dont know if it is a crush I have spoken to her many times and enjoy being in her company although I am not one of her friends I still speek to her. Also I am afraid of being laughed at.

Hopefully tomorrow I am going to hold my breath and just go up to her what you think?

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Regection is hurts, especially more for the "shy guy". The thing that most women can't seem to realize is that all the shy guys they regect are usually kind sensitive men. You know, the ones that almost every woman is looking for but wonders if they're really out there. A word of advice women, if a guy approaches you and he doesn't look completely comfortable, be as nice as you can if you're not interested.

 

Unlike this woman that I asked out about a month ago from work (same company but from the next town over, hardly go there). I work up my nerve to go and ask her if she would like to have dinner sometime.... She looks right in my face and just starts laughing, in front of 3 people no less Next to my ex leaving me in October, this was the single most traumatic thing that's happened to me in the past 5 years. Now I'm absolutely terrified to ask out women again. Needless to say her co-workers didn't think this was cool at all and I think they made her appologize to me. The reason I think this is because she didn't really seem to care, but one of the people in the office was watching very carefully.

 

It's events like this that make us nice shy guys just want to give up. Now, I'm to the point that I think I'm probably better off just being alone. At least I know what to expect and I don't have to be hurt over and over and over again. So women, if you're ever wondering where all the nice guys are... Just look to the guy who always seems to be single. Odds are he's just too scared of regection to ask anymore.

[Shinobie]

Ya iono why i have such a problem with going up to a girl im just an incredibly shy guy that does not want to be rejected.I know i havent went up to a girl at all in my whole life thats just how shy i am.I do not know why im so shy i wasnt when i was younger but it came out of no where.We just fear rejection a lot of us shy guys.

[CarterJonas]

to Lonelyandinasmalltown

 

That was a very unnice thing for that girl to do! Look at it this way, would you actually want to date someone like that and waste your time with her! Try and keep your chin up and someone will come along.

[rvr350]

Hey,

 

I am a certified shy guy as well, but you know what. I am so sick of being labeled as "nice guy", that I actually have more courage to ask girls that I like out more than anything. I guess whatever works, ya know??