I was asked to donate sperm and now my three year relationship is on the rocks

[superfan]

Wow, OP I can completely understand where you are coming from.

 

I am honestly surprised that so many others are saying that your GF's reaction was not only understandable, but expected! Yes, after being a couple for 3 years, you should know one another very well...and I have no doubt that when you approached your girlfriend to discuss the topic, you probably had an idea of how she might react to it (I am guessing you were maybe anxious because you knew she might be concerned and/or not keen on the idea). To see her burst into immediate hysterics because you somehow couldn't "read her mind on how she would feel" is absurd.

 

My husband has never been asked by lesbian friends of his to be a sperm donor. I have no idea how I would react and I definitely would not assume that he would be able to read my mind about it. I would be GRATEFUL that we had a relationship in which the communication was good enough for him to tell me about it and try to include me in the decision making.

 

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. What you were considering is a HUGE decision, so obviously discussing it with your girlfriend would be the appropriate move to make - even if her response was very strongly against it, the communication aspect of your relationship is the most important thing.

 

Whether you decide to make this move or not (and it would be something you would definitely have to question further), I would suggest sitting down with your girlfriend and discussing why this was such a problem for you. Other things are going to come up in your relationship - difficult decisions will have to be made, and if she just simply expects you to "automatically know" how she would react and act accordingly, then something is definitely broken here.

 

Big decisions need to be discussed by BOTH parties and both parties need to come to a decision if you are part of a relationship. If you had said yes (or no) without her, that would reveal (in my opinion) a HUGE lack of communication between a couple. If you feel you can't bring these issues up with her, then you need to re-evaluate the relationship and decide whether you are compatible.

 

Why is she adverse to counseling?

[superfan]

You can't understand why his girlfriend would not want him biologically fathering a child with someone other than her??? That seems very naive. Although I don't agree with the way she handled it (as stated in my previous post) I can understand why she might be opposed to it. Depending on the laws of where you live, if you do know the people you are donating for, they can (on some occasions) come after you for child support. Beyond that, even if your intentions are not to involve yourself in the child's life, knowing who they are and where they are can sometimes lead to curiosity and desire to be involved that may interfere with their relationship with their kids or the other couple's. It can cause complications. A whole host of reasons why (beyond having sex with them) that she might be concerned.

 

Being asked to donate does not mean they asked him to have sex with them. It just means they asked him for his little swimmers.

[sunnyhappydays]

I don't see how you get out of the being the father. It's not anonymous, there isn't another father involved. The kid isn't going to be stupid. It's going to come after you to be daddy. She is basically becoming a step-parent. She's 26. Do you want to marry and have kids with her? Are you resistant to those things? Not ready to settle down? It would be a huge slap in the face to me if someone didn't want to have kids with me but was willing to make babies all around town for anyone else.

[DylanNotorious]

How are the lesbians supposed to get the sperm? Do you have to have sex with them or what?

[pl3asehelp]

I think that if the couple was expecting all of this, it would/should have been mentioned by the OP. Since it wasn't, I'll assume it's like any other sperm donation scenario.

[pl3asehelp]

I highly doubt there is law that takes into account the level of familiarity (whether you 'know' each other) between the donor and the couple having the child when deciding if the donor is responsible for child support when the donation is done in a clinical/medical setting with the appropriate legal paperwork signed.

[Capricorn3]

I wonder where the OP disappeared to ....

[sunnyhappydays]

I highly doubt there is law that takes into account the level of familiarity (whether you 'know' each other) between the donor and the couple having the child when deciding if the donor is responsible for child support when the donation is done in a clinical/medical setting with the appropriate legal paperwork signed.

 

Yes, but the issue is not the law. The issue is his child. That child will know very quickly that this is his/her father. A good example is this: if something happened to the couple, is he willing to take this child into his home?

[pl3asehelp]

Yes, but the issue is not the law. The issue is his child. That child will know very quickly that this is his/her father. A good example is this: if something happened to the couple, is he willing to take this child into his home?

 

Of course not. When he signs away his right to paternity at the clinic, he'll have no more say in what happens to the child if they lose their parents than you or I would. That's the role of a godparent, which they didn't ask him to be.

[sunnyhappydays]

Of course not. When he signs away his right to paternity at the clinic, he'll have no more say in what happens to the child if they lose their parents than you or I would. That's the role of a godparent, which they didn't ask him to be.

 

But, respectfully, you are completely wrong. Birthparents sign away their rights all the time - that doesn't stop the adopted children from seeking them out. These are good friends so the likelihood is that they have lots of mutual friends in common. I just don't think that it's realistic to think he will have the same relationship as that of an anonymous donor. Especially since this child will NOT have a "replacement" father.

[Angel Irulan]

Having a child out there, that you have no legal rights to, but still your child, is a big emotional step. Perhaps your gf wanted to have children with you, and figured since you are both young and have never been married, you'd both be first timers as parents. I don't see why you just did not tell your lesbian couple friends no? Is it interesting to you, or ego?

 

Angel

[Angel Irulan]

That depends on what state you live in! Some states the donor still has rights!

Angel

[Mercurial Girl]

Of course not. When he signs away his right to paternity at the clinic, he'll have no more say in what happens to the child if they lose their parents than you or I would. That's the role of a godparent, which they didn't ask him to be.

 

It is VERY difficult to convince a judge to have parental rights & responsibilities signed away, as they do not want the child ending up on public assistance should the "real" parents be unable to provide for the child. Even if both parties agree, a judge likely will not unless under very special circumstances as in the main parent/s are loaded. This is why familiar sperm donors are being chased down years later for child support - not because it wasn't done above bar, but because you can't sign your rights away that simply.

 

Even still, I wouldn't dream of lending my genetic material without my partners full support, ESPECIALLY to people I know personally. are you really saying you would? I find it hard to believe.

[Saudades]

I can't believe you girls are defending her freakout and TOTAL lack of communication here. He doesn't understand her? Give me a break, they've been together through who knows what... and for three years! She can help him figure things out by actually communicating, or maybe buying a crystal ball for Christmas.

 

I really don't see what he's done wrong here, am I missing something? Vaguely friendly couple asks to meet up, he's blindsided but hears out something VERY important to them, says he can't make any decision without the gf, and then lets her know what happened ASAP. Should he have stormed out of lunch and spoiled the friendship? It's common courtesy to hear them out, and probably took a lot of guts for them to ask. The whole thing must be flattering too, interested or not. Poor guy doesn't even sound like he wants to do it, and would drop it in a flash if she explained what it means to her. Personally yeah, I'd probably say no for the reasons everyone's listed, but I'm def not in the majority of guys with this. Hell, some would think it's considerate to let the gf have a say in these heavy matters.

 

I'd be worried about how she handles differences from now on, and I bet he'd hear about it all night even if he'd declined.

[itsallgrand]

Anyone know the difference between donating sperm and being a parent? This seems ludicrous to me. They'll do it at a clinic. They'll sign legal paperwork. He won't be there for the birth. He won't send the kid birthday cards. They aren't asking him to play the role of a father. Honestely can't understand why there would be any objection to doing this.

 

I don't know what the OPs gfs thoughts are on this.

 

However, I do know for myself, I would be opposed to the 'donation' regardless of whether my bf were to have parental rights or not. Regardless of whether or not he would be in that child's life.

 

I'm assuming here you have no problem and even see it as a positive that he would consider donating to a nice couple. Gay or straight, that really isn't the question here, though maybe for the OPs gf - it is. How do we know?

 

The point is there are so many possibilities here for objection. Let me list just a few, and I'm not going to make it about my personal views, just possible points of objection a woman may have:

*having the man she is in a relationship with and wants to start a family with, fathering a child outside of that relationship (in any capacity)

*personal views on family

*personal views on gay coupling and raising of a child

*personal views on donation of sperm to start families and bring babies into the world

*personal views on how delicate issues are handled within a relationship

.....to list a few....

[PaintWithLight]

I think the OP is going to be just fine. It is better to give than receive. All will work out in the end.

[superfan]

THIS! THIS! and THIS!

 

And for the record, not ALL girls on this forum are defending her freak out! I think that the OP handled things the way a good, communicative partner SHOULD. If I were the OP's gf, I would think she should be glad that her boyfriend was thoughtful enough to discuss a major matter before making any kind of decision - even if the immediate response was a resounding 'no'.

[bulletproof]

It would be a huge slap in the face to me if someone didn't want to have kids with me but was willing to make babies all around town for anyone else.

 

He's not willing to make babies all around town for anyone else. He's possibly considering doing it for friends. That's a very big difference, in my opinion. Plus, we have no idea what the o.p. and his girlfriend have planned in terms of their own relationship and having children. Total assumptions all around.

[bulletproof]

THIS! THIS! and THIS!

 

And for the record, not ALL girls on this forum are defending her freak out! I think that the OP handled things the way a good, communicative partner SHOULD. If I were the OP's gf, I would think she should be glad that her boyfriend was thoughtful enough to discuss a major matter before making any kind of decision - even if the immediate response was a resounding 'no'.

 

I am also female and not defending her freakout. I don't defend anyone's freakout, male or female. Part of being an adult is acknowledging an emotional response without losing control. And yes, while sometimes people do lose control, they should be able to speak rationally once the initial surprise has passed. She was not able to do this.

[Miss Firecracker]

I thought you might be interested in this story.

 

link removed

[ElectricRaijin]

Honestly, I think she was being unreasonable when she screamed at you like that. These Lesbian's you have known for years asked if you could considerate it, they didn't force you to, right? I am a lesbian myself and I know how hard it is to find people to give them offspring, but they obviously trusted you enough to ask. It's not unreasonable that you considered it, you were just being a decent person, asking for permission first, which some people wouldn't even consider asking and doing it.

 

She should of reacted better, and I do see where she is coming from, but she could of at least listened first. Relationships are not one sided and I see this one being very Onesided on her part.

 

Good luck!

[Kerzu]

This is a bit late, but your gf seems like an emotionally unstable and toxic person.  This is a huge red flag about her (lack of) ability to communicate and deal with issues in your relationship.  You should break up with her if you haven't already.

[Capricorn3]

Please note that this thread is 8 years old and the OP has never returned.