How do you know if you're bothering someone?

[MattW]

I've always been a bit reserved and quiet towards people (consequently, I've never had much of a social life), and one of the main reasons I'm this way is because I'm convinced I'd be bothering people if I opened up to them, talked to them, hung out around them, etc. I've been kinda trying to open up a bit more over the last few months, but I'm not so great at reading people, so I still often find myself wondering if I'm "bothering" people, if they want me to go away/ leave them alone, or anything like that.

 

I'm trying to figure this out with one person in particular. I was initially reserved and indifferent to this person for a while, then they started hanging around me and talking to me every chance they got, and I started coming out of my shell a bit more because we got along so well. I started initiating contact more and hanging around with them when I could, and we seemed pretty tight. Something personal eventually happened between us, but things weren't awkward after the fact. But ever since then, I've found myself kinda feeling like they've been pulling away, little by little. I don't know for sure if I'm reading that right, or not, though, or if that's just my previous quiet/ reserved inclinations taking back over. I've still been initiating contact, being talkative, finding time to spend together, etc., and they still kinda do that, too, but I feel like it's mostly been me doing a lot of it lately. Sometimes when I do try to socialize with this person, things feel a little... off. I'm never quite sure if I'm being bothersome, and they want me to just go away and leave them alone. Again, though, I can't tell if I'm reading that right, or if my social hangups are taking back over and convincing me that I'm the annoyance I've always told myself I was.

 

So, I'm just curious, how do you tell if you're being a bother, and someone else just wants you to leave them alone?

[El0t]

Sounds like your instincts are right. If you feel comfortable enough, just be honest and ask them. Just see if they want more space.

[siegfri333]

The best way to open to other people is to NOT look actively for their companionship, but be a person THEY would want to hang out with.

Basically, it all comes down to this: if you do not bring anything valuable to them, they are not interested.

[MikNomis]

Well, if you slept with them or had a drunk makeout or something like that, it's pretty common for a person to pull away afterrward.

[MattW]

Well, if you slept with them or had a drunk makeout or something like that, it's pretty common for a person to pull away afterrward.

 

Oh, no, nothing THAT extreme, heh.

[camus154]

Is this the infamous gal you work with?

 

If so, I think you know why they pulled back a bit.

[MattW]

Is this the infamous gal you work with?

 

If so, I think you know why they pulled back a bit.

 

Well... Yeah. But that was a little while ago, why would it be such a "slow burn" kind of thing?

[camus154]

A better question is, why are you still so worried about this one gal? No offense, man, but this seems like an obsession of yours.

[MattW]

*shrug* I dunno, I just like her so much, and I want to enjoy as much time with her as I can before she goes away in the next couple of months and I go back to having no one I really connect with and enjoy spending time with.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

why not put your effort into finding someone who doesn't make you feel so insecure AND won't be leaving in a couple of months?

[MattW]

why not put your effort into finding someone who doesn't make you feel so insecure AND won't be leaving in a couple of months?

 

I have tons of issues that impair my ability to meet and connect with people to a point where I don't find very many people I truly get along with and truly enjoy being around. Every now and then, someone will drift into my life, like this girl currently, and I get a bit overexcited and emotionally attached (because it happens so rarely). Honestly, I think I was doing pretty good with her for a while, but for some reason, over the last two or so months, I feel like I've been trying a little too hard to be near her and talk to her, and I kinda feel like I've been pushing her away. I haven't meant to be going overboard, of course, and I'm not sure why it really started happening, but it did.

[MattW]

Would it be... weird, at all, if I brought this up to her, apologized, and told her I'd work harder to back off?

[camus154]

Would it be... weird, at all, if I brought this up to her, apologized, and told her I'd work harder to back off?

 

Yes, it would be extremely weird.

 

Look, man, you need to realize all this stuff with this woman is in your own head. It's all one-sided. There is no you-and-her in her mind. The worst thing you can do is bring this up.

 

Instead, maybe it's time you focus on this:

 

I have tons of issues that impair my ability to meet and connect with people to a point where I don't find very many people I truly get along with and truly enjoy being around.

[blueidealist24]

Don't bring it up, it'll make things more weird. Pretend not to notice.

[MattW]

Instead, maybe it's time you focus on this

 

I'm trying to, but I don't even know how to sort out and fix all the issues that are holding me back. Hell, it seems like every day, I figure out a new problem I have (see my latest topic in the "Dating" forum). @_@ It's... hard to change who you fundamentally are as a person, and how you perceive everything.

[camus154]

I'm trying to, but I don't even know how to sort out and fix all the issues that are holding me back. Hell, it seems like every day, I figure out a new problem I have (see my latest topic in the "Dating" forum). @_@ It's... hard to change who you fundamentally are as a person, and how you perceive everything.

 

Yeah, life's hard. Get used to it, because it certainly won't get any easier, my friend.

 

Have you thought about professional therapy?

[Princy]

Even I move around people whom I feel comfortable with and discuss a lot, and I ask them directly if am bothering them as in talking too much ..I do not hesitate at all..even if its a phone call too...if they are disturbed, they tell me..I can speak later they are busy..I also feel sometimes , the kind of vibes they show at you..whether they are interested to continue or not is quiet obvious from their behavior..

[MattW]

So, since I worked with her today, I decided I'd try a little "experiment". Like I said, over the last month or so, I feel like I've gotten overly attached to her (I'd subconsciously try to find any excuse to spend time with her, I'd try to chat her up every time she was around, etc.), and over the last couple weeks, I feel like she's been pulling away and wanting me to go away and leave her alone.

 

I decided that, today (and moving forward, after my birthday), I'm going to try to pull away from her as much as I can. No purposely trying to spend time with her, no talking and chatting her up every chance I got, I turned my body language "away" from her, that kind of thing. Heck, the handful of times she was around me, and made random observations or musings about stuff, I'd only really give small simple responses. I wasn't being "mean", "rude", or anything like that, just kind of "care-free".

 

I was surprised when, halfway through the day, she asked me if I was "okay". I said "Yeah, why?", and she said I seemed upset. I kinda laughed, and asked her why she thought that, and she said "I don't know, you just kind of do". Interesting result, heh... Normally, people don't notice (and they especially never say anything about) me "acting differently". Everyone always tends to assume that's just how I am. I figured that, if anything, she would notice over time (like weeks, I mean), and would appreciate me backing off and pulling away so that we could sever ties from one another once and for all. Kinda surprised she noticed enough in the first day to actually say something.

 

Of course, I dropped this "experiment" just before I left, so I could tell her a funny story, and say I'd see her Friday night for my birthday, and of course, I'm going to have fun with her Friday night, but after that, I'm going to try to pick up this "experiment" again.

[blueidealist24]

I think this could be a good strategy to put some emotional distance between the two of you so you can get over her romantically for the time being, 'cause right now she's used to you being all attached to her even though she turned you down. Haha, this probably won't happen but it would be weird if she suddenly developed feelings now that you're being distant.

[Capricorn3]

I decided that, today (and moving forward, after my birthday), I'm going to try to pull away from her as much as I can. No purposely trying to spend time with her, no talking and chatting her up every chance I got, I turned my body language "away" from her, that kind of thing. Heck, the handful of times she was around me, and made random observations or musings about stuff, I'd only really give small simple responses. I wasn't being "mean", "rude", or anything like that, just kind of "care-free".

 

I was surprised when, halfway through the day, she asked me if I was "okay". I said "Yeah, why?", and she said I seemed upset. I kinda laughed, and asked her why she thought that, and she said "I don't know, you just kind of do". .

Ouch, that's cringeworth (sorry). Your little "experiment" was soooooo unbelievably obvious. It was pretty clear you were "playing a little game", (it's almost childlike) - you more or less put on a little show of NOT being your usual self when around her, and she immediately picked up on it. She noticed immediately because you were being so obvious about it. I would strongly advise you don't play these little games again in the future - they almost always backfire on you.

[MattW]

Eh, just to clarify, I wasn't doing it mainly to get a reaction out of her. Actually, I didn't even think about that until she did react. My main goals were to A) make it easier for myself to get past the continual lingering feelings that I still have deep down, and B) to give her the space/ distance I feel she was wanting from me.

[Wonderstruck]

I agree that the "experiment" (really?) was cringe-worthy, and honestly, it proved absolutely NOTHING and accomplished absolutely nothing.

 

I don't understand why you're so excited/flattered that she picked up right away that you were acting differently - you were making it painfully obvious by giving her one-word answers and acting rather cold and stand-offish. Maybe other people wouldn't have picked up on the change in your behaviour as quickly as she did, but that's only because you're normally extremely warm and talkative around HER, and then you abruptly pulled a 180. OF COURSE she's going to notice right away. It's not like it's a testament to how well she "knows you" or "gets you" or whatever.

 

You said that you're going to relax and have fun with her on your birthday, and then go back to conducting this little experiment. What are you hoping to accomplish, exactly? What's the point of the experiment? Are you trying to lure her in with a "playing hard to get, absence makes the heart grow fonder, maybe she'll realize that she DOES have feelings for me" technique? If so, I think that you're going to be sorely disappointed with the outcome. You're only going to annoy her and drive her away. It sounds like she likes and respects you as a co-worker and as a friend, and she's just going to be confused and irritated as to why you're randomly acting distant towards her.

 

If you're doing this for yourself, for your own peace of mind and sanity, then by all means, continue and don't worry about her. But I suspect that you're doing this with some specific end goal in mind that involves playing some mind game and gaining back control and possibly trying to increase her interest in you, and I don't see that ending well. I don't think it's going to accomplish what you want/hope it will accomplish.

 

If she doesn't see you as more than a friend or co-worker, this little mind game isn't going to suddenly make her see you in a romantic light. Sorry to be so blunt and harsh about it, but I think that you're wasting your time with this "experiment".

[MattW]

It looks like I misspoke. She was not the "subject" of this "experiment"; I was. I wanted to "test" myself, and see how well I could pull myself away from her and keep myself away, so that I wouldn't come off as so overly attached to her. If she wants distance between me and her, I want to give that to her, even though it's difficult for me because I like her so much.

 

I wasn't necessarily "flattered" or "excited" about her noticing; it simply surprised me. I don't feel like I was being "cold", and I was trying to just be subtle and leave her alone. It only "surprised" me a little because I really felt like I had been bothering her lately and that she wanted me to leave her alone.

 

I don't know, it seems like whatever I do, I "lose". If I keep acting "attached" to her, I push her away because I'm being too "clingy". But if I do what I did yesterday, apparently I'm being too "mean". I don't know where that leaves me...

[Wonderstruck]

Sorry Matt, I feel like I was a little unnecessarily harsh in my last message.

 

I don't think that now you're being "too mean" to this girl - I just think that this "experiment" is pointless and unnecessary. I don't feel like it will help you get over her more quickly, and I don't feel that it's what she wants either. Obviously, I can't know for certain, since I haven't observed the two of you in person, but if I had to hazard a guess, I would say that it's all in your head that she was feeling smothered by you and wanted you to back off and keep your distance. I think that you're probably paranoid about her eventually feeling this way, so you started inferring it in her actions.

 

I think that she probably just wants you to act the way that you've always acted towards her - like a friend and co-worker who she gets along well with. And I think that you should continue acting this way. Just be yourself, relax, have fun with her. Obviously, don't act romantic or clingy, but you don't have to go out of your way to distance yourself either. Just keep things the way that they've always been. You said that she might be leaving your job soon - enjoy this time that you have with her.

 

However, like I said in my last message - if this little "experiment" really is just for your own personal well-being and mental health, then by all means, continue. But I don't think that it's going to solve anything, or help you get over her more quickly. At the very least, maybe don't be SO drastic about it. Maybe just gradually pull away more and more.

 

What will ACTUALLY help you get over her is a combination of factors, the main two being 1) Your feelings naturally fading away over time and 2) The acceptance that she doesn't see you as more than a friend and co-worker who she likes and respects, and that it's not going to happen between the two of you.

 

Trust me, I know this is all easier said than done.

[Capricorn3]

I don't know, it seems like whatever I do, I "lose". If I keep acting "attached" to her, I push her away because I'm being too "clingy". But if I do what I did yesterday, apparently I'm being too "mean". I don't know where that leaves me...

The point we're trying to get accross is that you should just be yourself. When you know someone isn't interested in you, you leave them be and move on. You don't push for more. It's also pointless and unnecessary to do "experiments" like the one you mentioned previously - totally no need for that. That is what we mean when we say it's playing games (which usually backfire anyway). Games are for children.

 

The point being: Be yourself. If you work together and have always chatted, then continue to do so. Don't suddenly act differently in front of her (as per your experiment) and then next day be friendly, and then back to "experimenting" etc. You are who are. Be yourself.