Girlfriend has active okcupid account.

[mrmbreak]

My gf (close to a year) and I have bee going through a rough patch lately. Her being distant and me blaming myself. We've had multiple discussions about it. And I've told her that i would want her to be happy even if its not with me.

 

She says she loves me. That she doesn't want a break, and that I've done nothing wrong. I've reiterated to her that i would prefer the truth even if it hurts me. She says she hasn't lost interest in me, and that im great... she does recognize we have a problem, but she says its just her.(stress/depression)

 

Recently i found out she has an active okcupid account. My friend spotted her profile pic and let me know. I was really hurt when i found out. Ive known for over a month now, but i haven't mentioned it to her. Mainly because i dont want her to know my trust is waivering. And her profile said she is "seeing someone" and she is only looking for friends.

 

Well, recently after another talk on the same subject, where she told me that she's not interested in anyone except me. She was very adamant about it... I see that she has changed her status to single... it still just says for friends, but i felt like i got punched in the chest when i read that.

 

Overall things have been getting better actually, so this is why this has me so confused.

 

Am i naive to believe she fully committed to me?

Am i overreacting? She has never given me reason to believe she would cheat. I honestly dont think she would get physical with anyone, but thinking she maybe flirting or emotionally cheating, just tears my heart apart.

I want to make this work, but im not sure if im sabotaging the relationship by not trusting her.

 

Thanks for any insight, or even just comments.

[rask]

It worries me that she changed it to single. Wouldn't of been an issue if she'd of left it as seeing someone/in a relationship.

 

My boyfriend still has an OkCupid account. I got curious, found it, and realized he hasn't been on it since before we were even together, or knew each other. I just happened to see the "new matches" email one day, that he deleted as if it was just a routine. I still have an OKC account floating around somewhere, but only because my friend wanted me to check out her profile and I couldn't without being registered.

 

I would ask her, honestly. Just say your friend found it, showed it to you, and it concerns you that she's listed as single. Depending on what her answers are, tells you where this relationship is going and how you want to handle it.

[Doc Blaze]

If its not an issue with her then why hasnt she told you..if its just looking for friends then she should have no issues telling you that she is lacking friendship and wanted more friends in her life...correct?

 

 

idk i found my ex gf on POF...my friend found her ....it ended badly..

[El0t]

Agree- the change to single is something to potentially be concerned over. Try to ask her without being confrontational or emotional. It's normal to want to find other people to reach out to when things are shaky. Just let her know honestly how hurt you would be if this was the case. It's easy to lose sight of how your actions could affect your partner, even if you really care about them and don't have bad intentions.

[DN]

Going on OKCupid and saying she is single is no different than going to a bar and telling guys who hit on her that she is single.

[Piano]

Actions are speaking louder than words.

 

You should have spoken to her about that account from the minute you found out. The majority of people in there are looking for SO, not all, but the majority.

 

In my opinion, it is time for you to talk to her about all of this. However, think about everything you need to say and don't make assumptions. Just go with everything you have found out about her.

 

I know that I would feel really disrespected by her actions.

[Kaytie]

I would feel kicked in the gut too. If she wanted to make friends she could join a meetup group, not a dating site. I would have a very serious discussion with her about this and find out where you stand once and for all. This would not be on with me at all.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to be prepared to walk away. If she is saying she is single, then she probably needs to be single. Something is missing in the relationship for her; that's for sure.

[CeeLambrini]

Ouch - sorry hun Perhaps there's a logical explanation - or a deeper one that you need to hear. There's nothing wrong with letting her know that your friend found her profile and let you know about it. Maybe even let her know that you've known for a while, but didn't think anything of it until she changed her status. You would have every right to worry about it, so she cannot judge you or be angry at you.

 

Just out of curiosity, if you can't see profiles unless you are registered, does that mean you have an online dating profile too? And does that say "seeing someone" or is it set to single?

[Doc Blaze]

wow overlooked the status change...yeah thats no good man..seriously...

[Pucktie215]

It's over my friend. Take charge and break up with her. Break up with her my starting an OKCUpid account and messaging her!

[mrmbreak]

Thanks very much for the replies... it does actually help me think about this whole thing.

 

She has been depressed about not having close friends here. She recently moved to my city and really doesnt have family here either. We have discussed it, and she wants to make friends. She never mentioned looking online, but i never asked either.

 

When things were more distant between us. I was really worried. I had my friend contact her online. (They dont know each other) I feel wrong for doing this, but I had him bait her, under my direction.

She did answer his messages, all chitchat. She ignored all messages after i told him to say he wanted to meet/interested in more than friends. She did past the test, but i feel guilty i didn't trust her...

 

We've had major discussions where i offered to give her space/ break up if she wasnt happy with me. She doesn't even consider it, insulted by me suggesting it.

 

I think i should talk to her about it, but it shows the lack of trust i have in her. i think that may make her more depressed and push her away. But i wont settle for being a doormat either.

[memento]

I think you should leave her. She's not loyal.

[pl3asehelp]

She's given you a concrete reason why she can't be trusted. Doesn't matter that she passed this test. Dating sites are not for making friends. Don't buy that.

[Doc Blaze]

Dude you sound like a doormat..what about your happiness...she is on a dating site...you said she changed her status...You have a right to know...

[El0t]

Even if she's depressed that is NOT the right way to go about getting her self-esteem up or to make new friends. I'd have a really hard time believing that she doesn't know that... From my experience, when someone does something like that, they know they're in the wrong. They might play stupid or say those things to convince themself just as much as they're trying to convince you, but in the end they know exactly what they're doing it and that it's unacceptable.

[Kaytie]

Dude you sound like a doormat..what about your happiness...she is on a dating site...you said she changed her status...You have a right to know...

 

Ditto. She's crossed a line here. This is not something you've made up in your head due to insecurities and are manufacturing this. She signed up for a dating site and is misrepresenting herself as single.

 

As I said previously, there are MANY ways to make new friends and a dating site (whether there is a friendship category or not) is not the way to go about it.

[Tom1990]

She broke your trust by advertising herself on a dating site, so you then broke her trust by testing her. In other words, you both got away with deceit. The only way this can work out is by coming clean; ask her about it, and tell her what you did. Otherwise you risk more distrustful acts in the future.

 

If you're okay building a relationship on mistrust, then go ahead and keep your secrets, and let her keep hers. I wouldn't be able to handle it, though.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think i should talk to her about it, but it shows the lack of trust i have in her. i think that may make her more depressed and push her away.

 

She already has pushed herself away. She made a choice, which has nothing to do with being depressed. Keep in mind that she's an adult, who knows right from wrong.

[mrmbreak]

Thanks for the replies. I really needed to hear it. Lol reading my posts, i see a lot of rationalizing going on.

[Elektra22]

I think you have every right to be concerned. The fact that she's actively on it and has now changed her relationship status to single is not trustworthy behavior on her part and definitely sketchy not to mention the name of the site itself is OkCupid and that's unsettling since it does not seem to be a place for friendly interactions and definitely promotes a more romantic connotation. I am very sorry you're going thru this mrmbreak and I hope you get the answers that you need and resolution soon.

[Amber Coco]

Break up with her my starting an OKCUpid account and messaging her!

 

^ Haha this is Chuck Norris stuff my friend, too awesome.

 

This really sucks, because it's not a "clear" offense, like straight up lying, cheating, etc, and yet it's very hurtful. Her behavior is very sketchy, even if she is not REALLY planning to cheat on you physically, the mere fact of opening an account, being active on it, and changing her status to single makes her very unreliable, enough grounds for a break up. I imagine it must hurt, making you think that she feels so unfulfilled in the relationship that she needs to resort to this low behavior. And this of course does not reflect on you in any way, but on her own internal issues and character. I dont think you're at fault here, even after your test. Your response was understandable based on her wrongdoing. I dont think you should tell her about the test, just ask her about her profile and what that means. She will probably react in a defensive manner and say she is just looking for friends. I say bull**** to that, okCupid is not the place for that. She is obviously looking for male attention and validation, even if she doesnt plan to carry anything out like what happened with your friend. Very hurtful.

[lalalollipops]

She signed up and has a dating profile while in a relationship, she needs to be dropped.

[mrmbreak]

Just an update.

We just had a long discussion about many things including her account (which she had before knowing me).

She openly admitted it and was free to talk about it.

Her main defense was that she likes to talk/text to random people(which i knew) and that her profile has always said just looking for friends. She showed me all her messages and nothing was flirtatious. Mostly conversations with girls and unanswered messages from guys.

 

She says she doesn't know why she changed her status. Which i told her was bull. She says that she didnt feel together at the moment. That we dont talk. She says that im the one she wants.

 

My main frustration during the conversation was she didn't seem to understand why i felt so hurt and disrespected. She did delete the account and apologized. She did feel really bad(or at least convinced me) after, but its like i really had to explain it to her.

 

Sigh...

She never lied about the account. And ive never thought she would cheat physically. (She definitely has the ability to do so without online means, if she wanted to.)

But im really disappointed in her.

[CeeLambrini]

I'm sorry hun, it's up to you now if you can eventually forgive her for it, or if this is a deal breaker. Maybe work on both of you feeling like you are together, because although I don't condone her not coming to speak to you about how she feels first, it seemed like a cry for help.