Stingy boyfriend

[Florence Mai]

We have been dating for about 5 months now. We dont go out a lot, maybe once every three weeks. He paid the most of the time , but I remember the first or the second time when the waiter brought one single bill , my bf said out loud : "oh **** he brought one bill" . And he was upset...but he ended up paying the bill after thinking OUT LOUD that I brought him a fancy snack for the day after , and paid the bill..

 

Another time we wanted to go out for a dinner and watch a movie and I was saying it would be expensive and he said : "I'll pay the dinner and you pay the movie" . He didn't even ask me, didn't even say please ... that movie alone was 30$

 

The other day he was saying we shouldn't buy each others gifts because he doesn't need anything..."

 

My boyfriend never bought me cards , flowers or any kind of gift even when I specifically asked for them ( it hasn't been my birthday yet). I sometime cook for him , bring him expensive food, take care of his lunch. I don't even have a job because I am a full time student but I manage to do these things for him.

 

 

 

He on the hand makes decent money . He tells me he loves me , is sensitive to me and is patient , but he is stingy. I think he is a bit like that with his family members ( he wouldn't buy a bday present for his brother or his dad if his mom already bought it)

 

 

 

What should I do ? Should I just treat him more do that he will be encouraged to do the same gestures ? I feel hurt..

 

Thoughts?

[Seraphim]

Just because he makes a good living does not mean you are entitled to his money. He earned it it is his. He wants to spend it on you he will and if he doesn't he won't. If you want to be a princess you're likely not going to find it in this day and age. This is the age of women providing for themselves. Once you're done school if you still want to be a princess be a princess to yourself. Providing you have the money for it of course. The point is nobody has to make you feel like a princess.

[zep]

He's cheap. There are some things you can't change about people and this one of them. (This is further proven by the fact that he is this way with his family too.) Cheapness doesn't both some people who aren't really into gifts (see Victoria above) so you shouldn't expect him to change.

 

I know personally I couldn't deal with this. I love to give gifts and spoil the guy I am with, and if thats not a mutual thing, resentment builds up fast.

 

Anyway, you won't be able to change this, so if its making you unhappy, break up with him before you get more attached and more resentful.

[EssexMan]

I think he might have a rather cautious attitude toward money but it sounds like he behaves that way toward everyone, not just you. So I wouldn't assume that it says anything at all about your relationship. Besides, you do state that he pays most of the time, so I'm not sure what the problem is, really. Whatever the income differential, it's not healthy to have a relationship where one person pays for everything. What you have sounds about right to me - he has more money than you, so he pays for most stuff just because it's more practical, but expects you to make a contribution now and again.

 

(Also, you really shouldn't be asking for gifts! But you probably knew that!)

[lavenderdove]

People's attitudes towards money rarely change. By that i mean, if he's a 'saver' and a penny pincher, he has a core value system that saving money and not spending it on what he considers 'frivilous' things or other people. is a good thing. If you're a 'spender' rather than a saver, you'll believe that him hoarding money rather than spending it is a bad thing.

 

Marriages or partnerships between spenders vs. savers frequently are very troubled, as money is the number one things that people argue about in a marriage.

 

So if you see a big gap in attitudes (i.e., you're more of a spender who believes in enjoying money by spending it on yourself and others, and he is someone who is a saver who enjoys saving money and not doing anything he considers 'wasteful' with it), then you probably aren't well suited.

 

Also, some men are more traditional and see themselves in the 'provider' role for a women where they pay for all dates and wine and dine their ladies, while other men believe it should be 50/50 and you should contribute your own money. You need to have a talk with him about how he views money in general, what his expectations are in terms of spending vs. saving, whether he believes a woman should pay for 50% of dating activities etc. In other words, you need to talk to him about money to see what his value system regardling money is to see if you are compatible.

 

Some people are extreme savers and won't buy anything unless they see it as extremely essential to survival and get agitated at the thought of 'wasting' money on what they consider frivolities like flowers, and you'll fight your whole life with him if he is that type.

 

But one tip-off to a selfish person is if they will spend lots of money on frivolous things for themselves, but never spend any money at all on you. That usually indicates a person who is self centered and spoiled, and who has a sense they they should 'spoil' themselves but don't care about you or about being generous to other people.

[nutbrownhare]

Treating him more so that he will feel encouraged to return the favour won't work; it will just make him feel more entitled.

 

People who are mean with money are sometimes mean-spirited in other ways, too, so you might want to look out for this. On the other hand, even though he earns decent money, does he have a high level of expenditure on essentials, too? Sometimes apparently high earners don't actually have that much disposable income. And frugal isn't the same as cheap.

 

Whatever, you need to acknowledge that he isn't going to change. Either you accept him as he is and look at the positive side of the relationship, or find someone else who's on the same wavelength as yourself.

[Florence Mai]

He is a 'saver' of course and doesnt spend a lot on himself. I'm not really a spender. I would say I AM a saver too, I have to because I'm a student. I have saving plan, I do everything to save money but when I have a little extra I spend on him and on myself .

 

And yes, I do contribute every now and again and yes, he appreciates it.

 

I never really ' asked for gifts' but when we first had sex , he said he would make it memorable and I nicely asked if I could have flowers because that's how I always wanted my first night. Come on a single rose is 5$.

 

He is very traditional when cones down man-woman dynamic ( this is actually what he exactly told me ), but it seems he is traditional when it suits him.

 

 

 

 

 

Ps: who.. on earth questions himself whether he should get his gf something ? Trust it could a HANDMADE card, it would be great.

[IvyMaree]

Money isn't everything but you do not want a stingy man in your life it will only get worse as time goes on. Trust me I have had this situation in a past relationship.

And you will find someone who one day will treat you like a princess, so don't settle for something less

[april15]

A saver is better than a selfish man and is most likely not going to change. He is not going to spoil you or even indulge you, from what you have posted, he sees gift giving as frivolous. Relax, enjoy him for who he is and the relationship for what it is. If neither is what you want and you just cannot accept them, it is going to continue to frustrate you and build up growing resentment.

[becomingkate]

Another time we wanted to go out for a dinner and watch a movie and I was saying it would be expensive and he said : "I'll pay the dinner and you pay the movie" . He didn't even ask me, didn't even say please ... that movie alone was 30$

 

I've always done this on dates. If the guy paid for the drinks or dinner, I would leave the tip and pay for the movie. In relationships, I've done the same, until our money became blended.

 

It started out that way due to a conversation I had with a male friend at the age of 18. He said, in a bitter tone, that all women were ho's because they expected to be fed and entertained (to the tune of a hundred dollars) before putting out. I argued that if a man asked you out, and planned the date, he should pay. Also, back then, women made much less than men. But he wouldn't budge in his opnion, so from that day on, I didn't want to "owe" anybody for anything and mostly split the bill.

[buddha55]

Theres nothing wrong with how you're feeling. Some people on this board love to act high and mighty when it comes to this 'ish. Heres the deal. It's not that he doesn't spend money on you, it's that he doesn't return that aspect of your relationship even though he is ABLE to.

 

"Just because he makes a good living does not mean you are entitled to his money. He earned it it is his. He wants to spend it on you he will and if he doesn't he won't. If you want to be a princess you're likely not going to find it in this day and age. This is the age of women providing for themselves. Once you're done school if you still want to be a princess be a princess to yourself. Providing you have the money for it of course. The point is nobody has to make you feel like a princess."

 

I disagree with this 100%. It doesn't always have to be monetary either. I had a boyfriend who spent one euro fifty on me because he was at the supermarket and saw these truffles I like. I thought it was SO sweet that he out of the blue picked those up! He was thinking about me!

 

Another really thoughtful thing... (i'm not a morning person) it was wintertime and I have an even more difficult time getting up. I had to drive to work crazy early since I had spent the night. My bf, a natural early riser, went to my car while and turned it on and moved it... "so we could have a few more seconds saying goodbye" I just about melted.

 

Again, it's not about money. It's about the thought. When my bf stays here I sometimes try to pick up his favorite goodies or breakfast foods. I want him to feel comfortable and know I was thinking about him.

 

I'd dump your bf. as others said, he is unlikely to change.

[rask]

I don't see anywhere in your post that he asked you to do the things you do for him.. When you do those things, you should do them without expecting to get anything back.

 

I do things for my boyfriend because I WANT to, not because I'm hoping that he'll remember it or something and buy me some crap I don't need.

 

Guys don't always think about cards, or flowers, or the like.

 

You said he usually pays all the time.... so I'm not sure what you're upset over? How much do you think your dinner cost when you paid for the movie? My boyfriend and I have been out to eat, and even if it wasn't a nice place, the bill still ended up being about $30-35, tip included.

 

It really does sound like you're looking at this as if he's obligated to do these things for you, when in actuality, he isn't. At all.

 

My boyfriend will put my towels in the dryer while I'm showering, or warm up a blanket while he's getting ready for work and put it on me while I'm in bed. He's also taken it upon himself to either put gas in my car, or fix something on my car (new air filter, changed oil, air in my tires, etc) and these things mean so much more to me than if he'd just walked into a store, got me a card, or flowers.

 

If your boyfriend pays most of the time, the "they only brought one bill" thing might've been meant for you. He may feel as if you need to start paying things more evenly. I dated a guy that never wanted to pay for anything, even though he always picked the places, and it got to where I would just immediately ask them to split the bill. He learned pretty quickly that I couldn't support him.

[Florence Mai]

If I have been doing nice things for him it IS because I choose to and I like to spend on him. And no, it's NOT because I expect something in return . and i am glad he didnt ASK me to be thoughtful because if he had asked , it would have meant i am not thoughtful. I think people shouldn't " ask" their partner to do nice things for them..

So te fact he didnt ask me to do things for him might be because he doesnt want me to ever expect him to return the favor.

 

Like buddha said, it DOESNT have to be monetary . It could be simple. Very very simple and not thoughtful . The proof is that I don't spend 1000$ on him , but I try to be thoughtful and at the end he always tells me he appreciates it.

I just need thoughtful things/ actions from him. Monetary , not monetary..

 

 

Ps: It's not like he didnt know I don't have a job. He knew it from day 1

[Florence Mai]

And the paying part, isn't 90% him and 10% me.

I would Say its 55-60% 40-45%

[EssexMan]

So the issue here is really about consideration, rather than paying, right?

[Florence Mai]

So the issue here is really about consideration, rather than paying, right?

 

YES...

I definitely don't need him to feed me or buy me clothes... Of course not..