Messages to the Universe

[Silverbirch]

Hugs JN. I'm doing well. NO physical pain though this time it was very mentally difficult for me due to several circumstances out of my control. I had not received written or phone notification from hospital to come in until 2 days ago. When I told the nurse that it was difficult for me to come in and fulfill the requirements she stated, she swiped at me, saying I had cost the hospital thousands of dollars. She said that unless I could guarantee that I had somebody to drive me home and stay with me overnight, the surgeon would not go ahead. When I went there today, they asked for a mid-stream urine specimen. I had already been and as I had been fasting of drink and food for a couple of hours, I tried for some time and nothing happened. I was in the operating room climbing onto the bed, and the doctor said: "Right, reschedule, I'm not going ahead without a urine specimen." I started bawling and yelling at him. Some of the nurses came to comfort me, and sat me down on my way out. Another doctor came out with a big bag of IV fluid and said he would put some fluid into me via my veins which would enable me to provide a urine specimen and they just put another person on the operating list ahead of me. I felt a bit sad to see that the previous surgeons have all moved on now so they were all new doctors who I had never met before.

 

After the procedure when I woke, the doctor came to see me. He had done an about turn and was much nicer. He told me there were 3 small tumors and they decided not to give me the Mitomycin as it is not a cure, often doesn't work, and there are risks in taking it - especially that it will damage my bladder further.

 

My beautiful son came and took me home and had a very nice young woman with him. Son drove home in my car with me as I had to drive myself to the hospital on account of there being no public transport where I live. His young woman friend, drove my son's car behind us. After they got me home safe, my son was pleased to be taking this girl out for lunch. He told me a bit about her, and I said: "Now that's the type of girl I would like you to have as a girlfriend." (His last girlfriend was not nice to him). He sighed and said: "She's going to Africa for 2 years to be an aid worker . . . but then she's planning to come back and do a degree in international development."

 

She was very nice and good with my pets, dog, cat and ponies who all greeted her and gave their approval also.

 

I haven't had much contact with D over the last few days. He left messages for me yesterday which I didn't answer. I have felt fed up with some of his behaviour and just not in a headspace where I could be bothered with him. He rang me a couple of times today and said things which are quite a turnaround from some of the recent ways he has been. Time will tell. Actions speak louder than words. I'm not going to hang around if I feel disrespected or unimportant enough to him where I'm last on the list of people and "things" in his life. It's not a matter of giving an ultimatum, but of getting to a point where I feel, "Right, if that is important to you, and my life isn't, that's okay, it just means we are not compatible, so best for both of us to move on." I truly feel that I'm over not being treated right by men. I'd rather be alone than be in a relationship where I feel unloved and unimportant.

[Realitynut]

I was wondering about you and D....and now i know. I'm sooo sorry sweetie, having to go thru your operations without the support of your partner....I remember last year how he was on Valentine's Day...and didn't believe in it. Funny that was a whole year ago!!

 

So i just go on here to say Happy Valentine's Day Silver....and if i was there...i'd give you the biggest hug....and then say...lets go get some coffee and cookies....lol or would it be tea and scones for you my dear!!!! lol

 

I don't know what they would do in the US for those nasty little tumors...if they'd zap them, cut them or have chemo....just don't know.

 

Glad they (doctors) are on top of it tho...and hopefully they (tumors) will give up soon....

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla. They gave me what is called a "rigid cystoscopy" so I don't have an incision. They use micro-instruments with cameras to go up into the bladder. Then they take pathology samples of the tumors, then burn the rest of them away. This time was the least amount of physical discomfort I have had. With the way it seems to be going, doctors think I will have it for the rest of my life and fingers crossed it does not become more invasive than it is or that I do not develop another type of cancer. My father had this type of cancer too, and then died at 58 after developing other cancers.

 

I got a call from D tonight saying "Happy Valentine's Day". I didn't bother mentioning it to him because of his previous diatribes about it being concocted by the greeting card companies. Anyway, he says he looked around for flowers for me, but there was nobody selling them where he lives. Then he says he will have to take me out for dinner and celebrate a belated Valentine's Day. I'm not holding my breath though.

 

My son said to me that he was "not impressed that I was not getting the type of support I should be receiving from D as he is my partner." I told my son that D is not my partner - he is a "boyfriend I just get to see maybe once every 2 weeks, and that I doubt there is a future with him."

 

Have you heard the Bruno Mars song they thrash here? Don't know what it's called, but the lyrics are something like: "I should have brought you flowers, I should have held your hand. I should have taken you to parties so you could dance . . . . now my baby is dancing with another man." When I've been hearing that song, it makes me think of him though, I couldn't be bothered with other men. I've pretty much had it. D says he is going to try and see me tomorrow - we'll see. He did this about turn on the phone saying that I didn't give him a chance to be supportive and that I should have. True, I didn't ask him for support, but when he didn't offer it, no way I would ask, let alone grovel for it. He's told me so many times how when he was married he used to feel as though he had a ball and chain around his leg and I've tried so hard not to treat him in ways that are suffocating. The end result is that there has been nothing left for me.

 

I definitely feel different this time to when the relationship with my exes ended. Reason for that is that I have already cried more than enough tears for a lifetime. I see my ex-ex today and wonder how I could have wanted to be with such a jerk, let alone stay with one for such a long time. If D doesn't start treating me better, I'll walk and won't look back. I have plenty of things I want to do with my life which I certainly don't need a man for.

 

Happy Valentines Day Carla! XXX

[journeynow]

Hugs from me, too, SB. I wish I were there to bring you tea and take care of your pet for you while you rest and recover.

[Realitynut]

I feel you were so busy trying to 'back' off and not appear clingy ...cuz it's what D wanted...that you lost yourself and what you wanted....and NEEDED!! And that was time, affection, support, romance....everything that D was greatly lacking in.

 

Just because he needed space....didn't mean that was what would make YOU happy....ugh.

 

I woke up this morning sorta depressed...i'm so sick of men in general.

 

But i, unlike you, can't...or don't, want to live without them.

 

Funny story, the last time i was with Dan for Valentines Day, he had come to my house. I gave him my card. He had forgotten to bring me mine. (gee) but as he read my card, he laughed. It was the exact same card he bought for me.

 

Which when i did go to his house i did see. Later i bought him another card for our 'monthly' ann. ...later i found 'it' in the garbage.

 

I also got crabby at Dan (after 3 years) he said something about us 'dating'...it got my dander up! DATING...dating is when you call and make a date and take someone out...not when you're living together and making plans to be married!!! sheeesh.

 

But you see...David and you WERE suppose to be partners. He just never made you feel like a partner. You felt excluded...and hence...only a bf and gf....

 

I know him seeing his Dad every wk end didn't help matters. Winter is always a problem with him....i was hoping not that it was summer, the probs would be better between you too...

 

Soo sorry Silver, but you are being so strong. It is David who is gonna fall apart...because of his own doing.

 

But really SB...if you want something....don't hold back...ask for it! Demand it....if he can't handle it...let him leave. But at least then he knows where you stand.

 

 

Glad your son was there for you, and you liked his new girl.

Is the heat dimminishing where you are??? Send some this way....

 

(((hugs)))...

Carla

[Realitynut]

wow...just watched the video...perfect.

And so sad.

[Silverbirch]

HUGS JN and Carla! Well, I do feel you are both here with me taking care of me.

 

He rang me several times yesterday Carla and at last call said how we can both take care of each other and how I should ask him for more. He also sent me a text saying how he knows that he gets grumpy but that he is still there for me. It doesn't make it right for me because when he is grumpy it really can be unpleasant and definitely not conducive to an equal relationship. Because of how things have been going with him, especially that he has not put much time and effort it, it has felt like I don't have a relationship with him.

 

My lovely Mum had left these very sweet messages on my answering machine. She has been in hospital for weeks and knows nothing about the cancer. Her God-daughter is in end-stage cancer. I thought how my Mum has always been this really kind, thoughtful and sensitive person and how giving she has always been to us. It was such a contrast to how David was with me around 2 weeks ago when we did finally get to go out together for a meal. He had spat the dummy because he was hungry and tired and realised just before he left home that there would be an aviation documentary on television which he wanted to watch. We were sitting there in the restuarant with him grumping away, and I just turned and said to him: "I hate to imagine you as a baby when you couldn't get your mother's tittie right when you wanted it." To his credit, he smiled and snapped out of it for the rest of the evening, but I'm tired of his ways, and want more for myself which is quite likely something I may never get from him.

 

My son wants me to spend time with him on my next Sunday off. I realised that I used to try and save that day to be with D as it was the only time we could be together (every second week), and it nearly always entailed me driving to his place. Anyway, son goes to Berlin on the 1st May for 6 months and is very excited. I'm excited for him even though I will miss him. I know he will have one of the best times of his life. He's setting us up for Skype and we will be in regular contact.

 

I'm finding out about more and more things I would like to do here (places and events to go to in Melbourne). D hates the city and will never go on whereas, I just LOVE to go in for the day, fill myself with culture and art, and then come home to my sanctuary.

 

This morning I will see the girls at the dance class, and have either lunch or coffee with them. D is talking about coming around to see me and go out for coffee or lunch. There are around 7 historic cafes at a nearby community which I like to go, and I love where I live so it isn't all gloom and doom for me by any means.

 

I hope you are both well. Carla, I suspect that if you forgot about men for a while, the right one would appear.

 

I have things I would like to show you. I know you are into Victorian style decor and art, but I've been reading about the modernist movement, and I think you can successfully combine some aspects of Victorian decor with modernist very successfully. In fact, I like the combinations of various styles together. Will see if I can find some links which I would like to show you.

 

The modernists were rebelling against Victorianism and pulled down the heavy drapes to let lots of light and views into the rooms and painted the walls very vibrant colors. Have you seen much of that type of thing?

 

Hope to catch up soon.

[Silverbirch]

A lot of images here Carla which I think you will like - and some of them a little as I have tried to describe to you.

 

link removed

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla, JN and anybody else who is reading this. I think the Universe is continuing to take care of me as I seem to be having some very good things happening for me at work, and although it has been a very hectic week with long hours, I've enjoyed going to work.

 

Anyway, I initiated a human rights project at work which so far has been very well-received and yesterday was asked if I would like to apply to do an accredited course to become a training officer. This would qualify me further to work in my field doing what I feel most passionate about. I'm now a little involved in a related project and travelled into the city yesterday to attend a meeting. I felt very invigorated being in the city. Even though I like living out here, the life and energy in the city is uplifting. I would have liked to have stayed longer but I had to leave to then go to work.

 

I'm very tired today having had 2 very long consecutive days (it's been worth it) and not sure if I will go to my bellydance today as I have to work this evening. I do have the weekend off - Yippee, and have several things I could do. Depending on how I feel tomorrow, I might get some Indian henna body painting up the inside of one of my arms when I go to the country markets. If I have the energy, I would like to go to some inner city places as well. I might be seeing my son on Sunday - he wants to come out for lunch and has asked if he can take some pics of me with the ponies, encouraging me to put them on my FB pages to show my family.

 

D travelled yesterday and also had a long day so we haven't spoken to each other. This weekend, he is going away to a country area to attend his course on farriership. I think he is down about money atm. Over the last year, his income has decreased and he seems to have a lot of expenses. He's having to buy more water as his water supply is on tank water which is dry now. It's costing him around $120 a fortnight for this.

 

I've started collecting books on Bohemian type social movements. Yesterday, in a Goodwill store, I found an American book called, "Tales of Beatnik Glory" which traces the lives of some politically active people and artists in Greenwich Village in the early sixties. I only managed to read a little before entering dreamland!

 

I hope you are all well. Thank you again Universe and God for continuing to take care of me.

[Silverbirch]

I am laid up in bed with some type of virus with fevers and chills and wheezing. At first, I thought it was my allergy as I noticed the wheeze last night. I've told my son not to come over tomorrow. No chance of seeing David anyway as he has gone away with his study.

 

I did manage to get out this morning to the local market as I wanted to have some henna body painting done on my inner arm, but she wasn''t there today. I'm thinking of getting a kit online and doing it myself. It looks like fun. They also have henna makeup which is meant to be long-lasting - lip stains and eye liners.

 

I have some good books so going back to bed now. My doggie has stayed by my side all day and licking my feet. I love him.

[Silverbirch]

Feeling like this virus has a good hold of me. I think I will go back to doctor today. My biggest worry is money. I don't feel well enough to work, but I need to keep earning money to pay my bills. Last night was my worst night so far, so I took Cortisone again this morning as well as a concoction of other meds. I've forced myself to walk around a bit and loosen my joints. My hips and lower back have been the most sore and also hurt when I cough.

 

Please God and Universe, take care of me and help me financially so I can rest and get well.

[journeynow]

I hope you feel better soon!

[Silverbirch]

Thanks JN. David telephoned me yesterday morning saying he was close by and wondering if I would like him to buy and deliver some hay to my place. I only keep one bale at a time due to my allergies so said yes. When he came around, he sat outside on my porch and I stayed inside but we talked and could see each other. He was very kind and loving. This is the sort of thing that happens all the time and I wonder how to keep myself grounded. He will go through a stage of being exceptionally selfish, and I will become ambivalent towards him and just get on with my own stuff as best I can. Then he will come and tell me he loves me and doesn't want anybody else, and that he misses me - he hadn't seen me for 7 days.

 

I'm going back to bed shortly but know that it is helpful for me to get up and move, even though I am sore, moving about loosens the stiffness in my joints, allows me to cough properly and clear my chest and head.

 

Thanks for your good energy. Hugs

[Realitynut]

Sounds like a nasty flu...the kind that gets into your joints.....poor baby!

 

Ahhh...yes....i read a book one time...think it was Men are from Mars...and they said men are like rubber bands...they get close...then have to spring back....

Then they pull close again....then snap back....ugh.

 

They talk about women being a 'roller coaster'...the thing is....he probably doesn't even realize it!

 

I think he gets all warm and fuzzy when he feels like he's gonna lose you...or feels you pulling away...but who really knows?

 

I talked to Dan last night on the phone for an hour.....lol

The woman isn't happy with Dan's kids still living at his house....them being users...Dan being an enabler. We laughed cuz it's the same thing i said...and the women before me. BUT...she lives an hour away and won't come to HIS house anymore. So he has to go there. He sees her only once a week...and he says he doesn't like it.

 

So there you go. She is stronger and has the upper hand.. compared to me. He is 'running' to her yet. I was running to HIM. I ws working on his house and yard constantly...and who does he still want? Her.

 

Disgusting.

 

I'm still hoping she dumps him!:shame:

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

I'm going back to doc in the morning to get another script for some Cortisone. I had to take it again today. I didn't take it yesterday as after I take it for 2 days, I don't sleep. Doc agrees I need to have it on hand for emergencies. Haven't had asthma seriously for many years, but do get allergic responses to God knows what from time to time. We think it is usually exposure to grasses which gets me wheezing and gives me hives. Also, I rushed out to the chemist (drugstore) to get something called Favic today. You take 3 tablets at once to stop from getting very bad cold sores but you have to take it as soon as you feel them coming up. I had shocking ones last year which scarred me for a while and lasted weeks. They were painful, but the Favic worked for me another 2 times after that. It's expensive and you used to need a script but now you don't. They use it also for shingles.

 

Oh, I think that Dan's other woman is just more ambivalent towards him. She doesn't care about him so much as you did, and that might be part of the attraction for him.

 

Yeah, it felt weird with David coming here yesterday. This has happened before but I feel different within myself in a few ways. I'm sort of getting used to the idea of being on my own. A couple of weeks ago, he said some things which surprised and hurt me. Pretty much stunned me. I guess I started cutting off from him then. It wasn't like I felt I wanted to go meet someone else, just a sort of "tired of being hurt by men and it doesn't look like it's ever going to change so I may as well just get used to it and focus on other stuff."

 

It's too early to be getting cocky or confident, but I think some good things are happening for me on the workfront. I'm also venturing out on my own re my own interests and I'm enjoying that. David can be very arrogant and dogmatic about his political beliefs which are different to my own, but I've never said much. He still calls me most nights or I call him but we don't see a lot of each other. He was saying how much he is missing me and even offered to drive me home 2 states away to see my family. Well actually, it was more like there are some tractor parts for his antique tractor he would like to buy in the state I am from and he said he thought I might like to come with him. I said no, but I would feed his animals while he is gone, that I prefer flying. That surprised him a lot.

 

Anyway, re the political thingy, I told him how I saw something on FB about the 2 main political parties in Australia - photos of the leaders of the 2 main parties with the caption below "Shot and Shottier" (substitute o for i). Told him that was my precise sentiment. Told him about this book I am reading about cyberanarchists, expecting him to poopoo it all, but he asked if he could read it when I am finished.

 

Hey, it was uplifting to read about this movie I have ordered on DVD called "Searching for Sugarman" which has won at the Oscars. It is about an American singer named Rodriguez. My sis and I were big fans more than 30 years ago and saw him live. I had believed the rumors that he suicided and was dead, but he is alive and well. I love his music. Rang my sis and told her today. We used to be very close growing up, but live a long way away now and have very different lives but we are sort of becoming close again due to having lots of convos on the phone, a lot about our mum. She does lots for mum and I can't do anything but she isn't poopey. Also, I was going to see me son on Sunday but with this sickness told him to stay away. Texted him today and can't wait to see him.

 

Oh yeah, and when David he is here he is saying things to me like maybe I've decided I don't want to see him anymore and there is nobody for him but me, and that I am sexy and he can't wait to hug me. Says he doesn't care what menopause is doing to me, doesn't care about me getting old and fat and ugly and he thinks I'm sexy and beautiful. Well, of course, I'm feeling a bit less ambivalent, but want to stay grounded and realistic. He is the only man I have ever been with that I can recall feeling a type of awe of physically. I didn't feel that the first time I met him, but as I got to know him, (I was with the ex when I met him), I started noticing things about him physically and thinking he was attractive. Weird, huh?

 

I started telling myself the other day how I really don't have much in common with him except for horses, but then I started to remember all these other things I have in common with him too, and how we want a lot of the same things . . . but that doesn't necessarily mean that I should be with him. Oh blah, I'm rambling now.

 

SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE OVER DAN. Take a lesson from the current woman Carla. I think he will keep contacting you somehow.

[Silverbirch]

Today was my first day back at work after a week with this virus. It still seems to have a hold of me, but I've still got meds to take and am feeling a little better at least. Work was hectic and I had to leave home very early - around 6.30am to get there on time. I managed work okay and still feeling so good about being back at my old work place.

 

There are things I would like to be doing, but I need to get as much rest as I can as I have work again in the morning.

 

I got to take 2 clients out to the cinema to see "Wreck It Ralph" which was a cute animation with music of Rhianna to it. At least I got to rest a bit during the movie.

 

It was nice coming home this afternoon to all the animals running up to the gates to see me. Jimmy is more and more adorable all the time. It's good to be home - I'm enjoying my home more and more.

[Silverbirch]

Finally starting to feel a lot better physically after changing the anti-histamines I was on. I'm now on pseudo-ephedrine and another drug - had to give my drivers license to the pharmacists and go on a data base as they are very strict about the use and possible abuse of that drug over here. I've also put some effort into very healthy food. I look and feel 10 years younger than I did a week ago!

 

Some areas of my life are going very well - work, especially. My social life is improving a bit now that I am no longer working every weekend. I've become interested again in things I had the lost the time for, and I just feel more alive inside. I generally get along with people well and have some very likeable nice people around me - both at work and socially. My family life - whilst I don't get to see them as much as we would all like - is probably the best it has ever been.

 

I am needing some guidance and help from the universe in some ways though. Even though I love where I live, every couple of months, I find myself either really wanting to get a place of my own or share with another woman. This housemate who I have been with is so moody and unfriendly, and has been very unreasonable about a couple of things. I've been looking around these last couple of months, and I think I have 2 options which could work out very well. I could either take out a lease on another property in this region on my own, OR get another largish house on acreage with everything I could want or need. The thing is, I need to be able to find the right person to do that with. For a long time, I though that I was going to be doing that with David and that he was the right person for that.

 

My housemate - the one divorced 3 times - sends a message to me loud and clear - He can be really awful, but thank God he is only a housemate and I am not with, especially married to a person like him. I can move out and move on without too much disruption to my life. I've seen a lot of men in my age group who seem to have problems with their moods and being very selfish and self-centred. I've been there done that a couple of times before, and I don't want to do it again. I simply don't have the energy.

 

It would be just fab if I could find another woman, similar to myself - loves living on acreage with some furries. Pretty easy-going and wanting to just be happy and have a stable life - and that we could rent a place together.

 

I think that it very most likely that David and I will end up just being friends. Over the time I have been with him, he has said and done things and not things which have disappointed me. I feel like I am always taken for granted by the men I have become involved with. In the past, that's brought me a lot of heartbreak. I'm not going there again.

 

I've seen a few places which I could rent on my own. Be a bit of a struggle and I would have to agist my horses somewhere else. Otherwise, I have seen some lovely big houses on acreage, in the region I love, which I could easily afford to share rent with another person. I am tired of feeling at times like this place isn't my home - largely because my name is not on the lease and my housemate likes it that way. As he gets older, like a lot of people, he becomes moodier and more unreasonable. Yesterday, it bothered the way he struts about the house in his underpants throwing his tantrums like King Baby.

 

I have a couple of busy days of work ahead before the weekend. I will go to the markets and likely see and chat to some local women who I have been getting to know. I'm hoping that I will be able to find another local woman a lot like me, and that we can have a successful and happy house-sharing arrangement. If this doesn't look possible within a period of time, I'll concentrate on finding a place of my own.

 

I hope all is well in your universe and sending good energy your way. XXX