Divorced (multiple times) Mom trying to give me relationship advice. opinions?

[tygerwolf]

So both of my parents come from a line of unsuccessful relationships and marriages. My Granny and Grandaddy however were married from the time they were 20 till now (my only good example for marriage). But my mom has been married 3 times (lasted about 7 years each) and is currently unhappy but feels stuck in her current marriage. And my father has been married twice and his now single again and wants to stay that way.

 

I have been in a very happy relationship for 15 months now.

 

I hate to admit that it aggravates me when my mom especially tries to give me advice in my current relationship. She has made me doubt relationships in the past with her rants. How in the world do I tell my mom to stop? My man is not perfect but he makes me happy and he encourages my passions and shares similar interests and opinions with me.

 

This sounds awful but I feel like my mother has no right to be telling me what to look for. Shes on her 3rd marriage and shes still not happy. She and I are so different.

 

How do I tell her nicely to stop? I love her very much but she and I view relationships and marriages so differently. Has anyone else been aggravated by a similar situation?

[mhowe]

You tell her, nicely -- to stop.

 

"Mom, I appreciate that you think the advice or criticisms will help me avoid the pitfalls that have befallen your love life. However, I need to learn these things myself -- just as you did. So, in the future -- hold off on the advice unless I ask for it".

 

That's it. And if she argues or persists -- tell her you will see her/talk to her later. And get up and leave --nicely, or hang up. You teach people how to treat you.

[CeeLambrini]

Well your Mum might not have been lucky in relationships, but neither have most people here - it's quite a large point to the forum

Point is, we're a lot better at giving others advice based on our own experiences than giving it to ourselves.

I think you can ask her nicely to stop, but do think again about taking her seriously. She might see something in this guy that she has seen in a man before. She might still not be happy but after three marriages - she must have learnt a lot of lessons.

 

What is it she doesn't like about your guy anyway?

[lavenderdove]

She is probably venting her own feelings about her own marriages onto you, especially if she is still unhappy now with her current spouse.

 

She can't make you talk about these things. What you need to do is drop a cone of silence around your own relationship. If she tries to bring it up,, tell her that you've made a pact to only discuss your relationship with your partner and not with outside people, and that you are doing fine and if you feel you need advice, you will ask for it. and if she brings it up agian, remind her what you told her, and say, 'sorry, not open for discussion...' then change the subject to something else.

 

and if she still tries to harp on it, then you up the ante and say, 'mom, you know how i feel about these discussions. i'm not going to talk about my relatinship, and if you bring it up, i'm leaving, and every time you bring it up i'm leaving because you don't seem to be understanding that this is not open for discussion.'

 

So escalate your level of firmness based on how much she resists your request to stop. But she must understand you mean busines and that it is not open for discussion. don't even talk with her once about him or it opens the door again.

[tygerwolf]

Well your Mum might not have been lucky in relationships, but neither have most people here - it's quite a large point to the forum

Point is, we're a lot better at giving others advice based on our own experiences than giving it to ourselves.

I think you can ask her nicely to stop, but do think again about taking her seriously. She might see something in this guy that she has seen in a man before. She might still not be happy but after three marriages - she must have learnt a lot of lessons.

 

What is it she doesn't like about your guy anyway?

 

My mom will just rant about things about him that would drive her crazy in a relationship or marriage (Even though shes told me she likes him and invites him over often. He comes over a lot and is very respectful and helpful). But for instance, my boyfriend is very outgoing and opinionated and has a disfunctional family (dont we all). Neither of these things bother me. His opinions may be many but he at least does his homework before speaking. Also he and I agree on many of the things he is opinionated about. These are the things she brings up the most.

 

My mom does not like strong men (which is what ended her second marriage). My mom is the "breadwinner" in the family and she prefers to lead in marriage. With her current marriage she is a little happier than the last few because he has no backbone and is subservient to her. Sounds awful but my mom likes it this way. I personally dont want a subservient husband. I want a man who will challenge my thinking and be my partner and best friend in life not a husband-maid.

 

Sorry that was a bit of a rant. But my mom thinks that my boyfriend should be weaker basically and dote on me more.

 

I will tell her. I guess I just sort of take it because every time I stop or rebuke her, she has her feelings hurt. I need to not be afraid to hurt her feelings I suppose.

[Seraphim]

You can politely tell her to stop. You can change the subject, you can walk away. I would not automatically discount someone's advice though because they've been married more than once. My mother's been married three times but she also often has good relationship advice.

[Unreasonable]

I would take whatever she says with a grain of salt. However, sometimes you can learn from other people's mistakes.

 

There's a link on the front page this very website that suggests that: Divorced People Can Give The Best Marriage Advice

 

I mean, if you don't wanna hear it, you don't want to hear it. If so, I'd just bluntly say so.

 

However, maybe you could say something like "I appreciate your advice, but can you please just tell me about your issues, rather than try to relate them to mine?"