Soulmates, GIGS, Karma???, and The Love of My Life....

[Reloxx]

Long story, summary at the end for those who wish to skip.

 

Well, I haven't been on these forums for a little while. I was too busy moving on and enjoying my life like I've learned that every dumpee should do.

But yet here I am. Back again. Why? Well, it's simple. She contacted me.

 

We broke up (not divorced yet) on May 2012. We were together 9 years. First true love for both of us. We met at 17 (her) and 19 (me). We were each other's love of our life's. We thought it would last forever, like we all do. And to go the distance for 9 years, that's pretty epic at such a young age, but I digress.

 

We had a huge fight, she thought I cheated, I didn't, miscommunication, yada yada yada, we sort of make up but it gave her her doubts about the relationship.

 

The break up was classic GIGS. And I made intense research on GIGS and i can confidently say it was GIGS all the way. No room for anything else. She is 26 now and me 29, in case you are all wondering.

 

Okay, so I followed all the instructions on what to do with GIGS and I let go. I moved on, or at least I was trying to. I hit the gym, dated briefly, self-introspected, worked on my errors on the relationship, traveled a bit, met new friends, got a nice social life going, and really recovered nicely within those 6 months.

 

However, I still love her beyond any doubt. She is the person for me. She will always be that one person for me. I always believed that at one point, years down the road, her and I would end up together. I just had that feeling. I still do, sort of but I'm very emotional right now. You'll see why in a few.

 

So, I haven't heard from her in those 6 months except for tiny emails of her asking me random stuff, about once per month. She was also in communication with my mom about once a month also and she would ask about me.

 

Well, last week I broke NC because we have a court meeting in a month and we need to be on the same page about certain details (immigration stuff). She replied and we spoke on the phone.

 

On the phone, her voice was different. She was trying to be strong and just straight to the point, but it didn't work. As I spoke about the meeting, and as my voice, which she had not heard in months, echoed in her ear, she started to cry and hold back from sounding emotional. Her voice was joyless.

 

See, she broke up to go to other grass. They're supposed to be in honeymoon period but things must not be as green as she expected them to be.

I found some comfort in this because in my head I thought that finally, she's realizing her mistake in all of this. We'll see about that.

 

Towards the end of the conversation she tells me she still has all our photo albums and our promise ring, as we will need that for court. I was happy she didn't throw them away.

 

We hang up.

 

2 days later she emails me and says we need to talk. She calls me and drops the big one on me... "I'm 5 months pregnant."

It didn't hit me as a big shock because I had predicted this earlier, I even told her mom that this would happen, and I honestly felt it. I knew it before she even said it.

 

I asked her if she was in love, she said no. She said this was not planned and that it just happened. I asked her if she's going to marry him and she said no. They're just taking it one day at a time.

She says she cares a lot about me. She misses us. She misses our relationship. She still holds anger or uses it as some sort of justification for her actions, that I sent a sext to a friend which led her to believe I cheated on her, which I did not.

 

Remember, I know this woman for nearly 10 years and I know her almost too well. Her voice is full of regret and she's scared that she has made the biggest mistake of her life, and she's afraid that she's ruined things between us forever, she's scared of what everyone is going to think of her. Her family ADORED me, her friends knew me well, our mutual friends don't know anything yet only that we broke up 6 months ago, she has avoided them like the plague. She doesn't hang around anywhere near our old spots. Facebook is off. She's ashamed of her actions I know her. Period.

 

She dumped me on my graduation day from college, which she helped me get through. I have a future ahead of myself. The guy she is with is the typical rebound. COMPLETELY opposite of me. Granted, I don't know the guy well but I have heard of him before. He's an old friend from high school.

 

But she is a PROUD PROUD PROUD person. She won't admit it. She did admit that once she found out she was pregnant, she knew I would never take her back. Who would, right?

 

She is keeping the baby though. I am thankful that she is because I know her and her getting an abortion is something that would have ate her up inside forever. She would not be able to cope with that. And I also think this baby is going to finally give her some guidance. Once she left me she went on a self-destructive path or at least she seemed that that's where she was headed.

 

Now... The rebound guy is sticking around and trying to make things work. Good. I'm glad he hasn't abandoned her. But I'm getting weird vibes already from what I've gathered.

 

This is simply moving too fast for them. They've known each other since high school but after she graduated they would only speak about once a year or so. Mainly during the holidays and they'd catch up over the phone. But aside from that, they really do not know each other well at all.

They moved out together relatively fast. They're both struggling for cash now. She's been in and out of the hospital and can barely afford the co-payments. She hasn't lost the baby though, thank God.

 

I was told that she has pictures of her and I on her coffee table on their new apartment. When I last spoke to her on the phone she says she still cares about me very much and that she swears that this is not what she wanted or had planned. She is not asking me to take her back though and she has not apologized for anything she's put me through.

 

This was OUR dream. To move out together, to travel a little and then eventually to have our first baby. She was all on-board until GIGS and her thinking I cheated on her kicked in. Now this has all happened and I am at a loss.

 

I thought she was going to go through her GIGS phase and finally snap out of it and come back a fully matured woman. I was actually looking forward to the time off from the relationship because I was going to better myself exponentially and actually get to do my thing as well for a little while, 2 years or so that I estimated it would take her.

 

There is zero doubts in my mind that her and I belong together. I know that if I do move on from this whole situation, I will never love that deep again. A bond like the one we have is difficult to come accross. I'm not saying I'll never love again, I am sure that I will but it will never be this deep.

 

I want the very best for her. She hurt me like no one else has ever hurt me before and probably ever will. But I know she didn't do it intentionally. It's human nature to want to explore. She met me when she was 16 ffs. of course she was going to have her doubts. I too had mine and I broke up with her when I was 21 and I regretted it so much that I came back crawling and begging and she made me work for it and I never ever took her for granted ever again. I thought the same was going to happen here.

 

I don't know what to think here though. I am way too emotional to have clear rational thoughts stay in my head.

 

Could I be a father to this baby? Without a doubt. Could it be right now? No. I need to heal and let her experience all of this all on her own if not she will never appreciate anything I do for her. She wont learn her lessons.

 

Could I forgive her? I want to believe that I am capable. We are all humans and we all make mistakes, some bigger than others. No one is perfect.

Will it be hard for her to get me back? Probably not because she is the love of my life but I will make it difficult for her so that I can be assured that she is not just trying to use me.

 

Will she ever want me back? That, I do not know. I believe from what I've gathered and from what I can discern from her words and non-verbal communication, I think she wants me back but she is too proud or too scared of rejection to do the necessary.

 

Will I be ashamed of having to take care of another man's child? Well, this is tough and this is why I have to go and heal first before I could make this happen but in the end, I would do it. The child is innocent and a bundle of joy and a blessing regardless who his father is. His mother is the love of my life and that's enough. I don't mind being Dad as opposed to father. But I do want my own kids though in the future.

 

But this is all assuming that this is what she wants of course.

Right now the guy is sticking around and he is trying. I will wish them the best and hope they make it but it's looking rough. No love. Love is the foundation to a happy home and relationship. These two are jumping right in like it's all good. Hoping for the best.

 

At this point, I've been writing this for 2 days now. I am just eagerly needing advice. Any advice. Any opinion. I need something from you eNAers, please.

Is there hope? How can this thing end? How will this play out? Is she going to live with regret the rest of her life, like most GIGS people do? Is she going to suffer? Oh God I hope she does not. I feel so bad for her.

 

 

Summary:

relationship of 9 years. Met at 16 (her) and 19 (me). Honeymoon period lasted 2 years+. She cheated once when she was 22 and I never knew until a month after she broke up with me. Last 2 years LDR do to college.

Had a huge fight where she thought I cheated. I never did nor was I going to.

She became confused and wanted to see what else was out there. GIGS. Started talking to a friend about our problems and she caught feelings I suppose.

Rebounded with him and got pregnant. NC for 6 months.

I break contact and she tells me she is 5 months pregnant. She does not love the guy. Misses us. Misses me. Realizes the damage has been done and has no hope of us getting back together.

I'm devastated. I want to be there for her but I know I cannot. I hurt for her. I want to see if there's a possible future scenario where we end up together and in harmony but it is tough. She is the love of my life to the fullest. If I could be guaranteed that she will not do this to me again I would swoop in and be with her during this tough time and I would be a dad to that child. I love her that much.

The rebound/boyfriend/baby daddy is sticking around so I have not even contacted her after she told me. It is not my place. It is her life and she made her decisions even though I know she regrets them.

looking for positive advice.

 

I want what is best for her but I also want to be with her. Maybe later on in life?

 

And please, do not bash this woman. She is a kind kind soul. She's been through a lot as a child, broken home as well. She is very lost and confused and emotionally immature, but she is a GOOD PERSON. She did not do this intentionally.

[Cope and Hope]

First, I'd like to say thanks for the summary. Scrolling past the post made my fingers hurt.

 

What I'm unsure of is, what's the point of this post? It doesn't feel like you're asking a question and it seems you already know what you should and should not do. If in the future you end up together fine but why jump between a pregnant woman and the father of the child? You'd regret it in the long run I'm sure you know that and also she could just be very hormonal right now because of the pregnancy so you don't really know what the actual situation will turn out like once she gives birth and calms down.

[camus154]

Run--do not walk--away from this woman.

 

A) She cheated on you. I don't care why and I don't care how long ago. She screwed you over. Period. So you can flush all this kind soul garbage down the toilet. There are a lot of "mean souls" out there who still wouldn't betray someone like that.

B) She's saddled up with someone else's mista--I mean child. Two for the price of one! That's not a bargain. Not for you, at least.

 

You can do much, much better than this.

[Reloxx]

I meant to add this to the summary:

 

At this point, I've been writing this for 2 days now. I am just eagerly needing advice. Any advice. Any opinion. I need something from you eNAers, please.

Is there hope? How can this thing end? How will this play out? Is she going to live with regret the rest of her life, like most GIGS people do? Is she going to suffer? Oh God I hope she does not. I feel so bad for her.

 

I also want to add that I feel like in 5-6 years I will end up being with her. I feel it. It could be my stupidity and it could be all emotions but when you know, YOU KNOW!

I think this child will be a wake up call for her. She'll try to play house with her rebound. That will fail because... I just know it.

She'll be a single parent, maybe date around a little later on, but I think this baby is going to make her grow the FCK up real quick. I think in 5-6 years time, my company should be stable enough, my career in good standing, i'd have healed properly, she will have healed and learned from all of this, and magic will strike again just as it did 10 years ago.

 

I'm going to focus on bettering my life, growing my business (BUY MY iPHONE GAMES PEOPLE!!) and I will go through a healing process that will take quite some time. And it starts with you guys.

 

Come on, give me opinions and advice lol.

[camus154]

Well, since you KNOW what will happen, then why are you asking for advice and opinions on it?

[darkja25]

I know what you want to hear and im in a similar situation although at a really really earlier stage and its like your situation is exactly where im headed. I know you want to hear she will come back to you in time and realize she has made a mistake etc. Dont get me wrong it might be true cause i have the same feeling the feeling that you have her enough and she truly gets you and that she wont ever find that again. But this advice is for me and you both, she might never come back. I know you have thought about it just as i do and you know its a real possibility but something tells you she will and i feel the same. But we have to armor ourselves and be brutal.

I know you love her and i know you want her to be as happy as possible. But what are you to her? Are you going to be her cushin of emotional support? Thats her bfs role but he gets most of the percs. Dont do that. Continue NC and tell her that she loses every bond to you if youre not with her. Sounds like blackmailing and might actually be. But its the truth. Think about it would you do all this or care for her so much if you didnt love her if you were just her friend? Do you even want to be her friend or do you just think its enough? Its been so long its about time she realizes how she feels and what she wants. So do that imho and really try to move on this time. And i mean really.

 

p.s im not one to believe in zodiac signs but id bet my ass off (cause the one i love has the same behaviour) shes a freaking gemini.

[leftme]

You write in it, she knew when she was preggers you wouldn't take her back and wrote "who would right?"

Then seem to be living in hope you may get it back together?

[darkja25]

Also if you ever want someone to talk id be happy to listen. Afterall my thoughts are quite similar to yours , best of luck.

[Reloxx]

Thanks darkja. I appreciate the advice. I need all of it now.

 

I'm not taking her back any time soon. That much I know. I can't do that. Decisions have consequences and you have to live with the consequences of your decisions.

However, that does not mean that I won't ever be with her again. But the person she is right now... young and immature and lost and confused... I don't want part of that. I want her to grow. I want her to recognize what a real loving, committed relationship is and to want one.

 

If I were to go and swoop in and "rescue" her from the mess she's made, what would that teach her? No. Instead I am going to let her do her own thing and suffer a little and go through life without me in it. Unfortunately, the guy she's with is a rebound and he knows it. How he can accept my pictures of her and I to be placed up in their new apartment is beyond me. She still has a bunch of my belongings and she wants to keep them. She's holding on to all our memories in multiple boxes. Why?

 

That guy at one point or another will realize who he's with. besides the fact that they took this waaaaaaay too fast, he's in for a rude awakening. She's still very much in love with me. (Confirmed by her siblings, friends, parents, and by her own accord)

He will realize he's a place holder and who wants to be that? Specially a young guy like that. He's nothing but 26-27 years old. Does he really want to commit to something where there is no love, is a rebound, a very immature and difficult woman, who he does not know on a deep level? yea, right now they are on their honeymoon period and even then they're still fighting or so I hear.

 

They took on a lease that is way too expensive for them. They're struggling with cash.

I want to be optimistic here but damn. the odds are stacked against them already. Love is the foundation and they don't have it. At least not yet. How they will manage to overcome all that is beyond me. Especially at such a young age and both being unprepared for it. Someone's gonna tap out soon, and I have a real big feeling I know who it is. The guy is a party animal. You can see it on his facebook. With a baby crying and needing money... he'll end up taking on a part-time job... oh boy. I wish them the best. I truly do. they both deserve to struggle for a little bit so they learn their lessons. She's very smart though and maybe they do make it through.

 

If he's a good guy and if he loves her and if he makes her happy, then I'm rooting for them both. I just want her happiness. I just don't see it under these current circumstances.

 

Oh and not to mention that they can't even get married because she is already married to me and we cannot get divorced for the next two years for other reasons. I hate to say it but I see a single parent in less than a year. Once that lease is up... he's out or she's out. One of the other.

 

If she had her way right now, she would not be having this baby, and she would still be dating him "finding herself" and whatnot.

As of now, she semi-tried to get back with me because she knows what's in store for her but I shot that crap down right away. I refuse to even be her friend right now. She needs to make things right in her life, then she needs to try and make things right with me. She did a lot of damage and was very wreckless. Of course, only time and experience will show her that and that is why I must not intervene. I must not be around and she must truly believe that she has lost me forever.

 

However, do not think for ONE MINUTE that I am not dying over here. I want to be there at the hospital. I want to be in the room. I want to protect her. I want to take care of her. That's my love right there. But I cannot let that show and she cannot know this.

 

I also think it is only fair if I try to move on and truly try to be with someone else. Perhaps I can find a greater love out there but I doubt it. That's my chick. I grew up with her. She was there for me through rough times. We both hurt each other in the past. We both made our fair share of mistakes. But in the end we both completely love each other. But I need to do me and she needs to go do her for a few years at least.

 

My only concern is that I... and this is going to sound super crazy, I know... I want to meet the little guy. I want to be there for those sick days and the long nights and the baby steps and all that. I do. I really love kids. I want to be there for the pregnancy. She's been in and out of the hospital. It's been real tough for her. And the scumbag isn't even staying with her at the hospital over night!!!

 

Whatever. She needs to learn what she has in me. She needs to learn and grow up. She needs to find herself. She needs a purpose in life. She needs... this baby and the hard work that comes along with it. I guarantee you she's gonna regret making this decision she did but never the baby, of course.

 

We're both young, and our dream was to travel, party, throw parties at our own apartment, explore the world, and then do the whole family thing.

I know what I'm gonna go do. I'm gonna go travel, party, throw parties, and explore the world... if the universe will have it... in 4-6 years when I am done doing what her and I initially set out to do I'll see what happens then. Maybe she's married with some OTHER guy and having HIS kids. Who knows?

 

But maybe, maybe, she's going to realize who she threw away, she's going to use this lose and these tough times and she's going to use it all as growing pains, and it will lead her to be the person she wants to be.

 

I love her with all my heart and care for her beyond belief and ultimately because of that she will never starve and she will never be out on the streets because I will be hovering over her silently without her knowledge in case of a dire dire situation.

 

And if she does make it with this guy, which I wouldn't mind if she's truly happy, then when enough time has passed by I do want her as a friend. I think my life will be incomplete without her in it.

 

 

I sound like a complete total wuss. LOL. I do. But it's okay to let you eNAers know how I feel, but she can't ever know.

 

I would love an alternate view on this situation.

 

Thanks for letting me vent and if you read this whole thing... God bless you.

[darkja25]

I think thats a healthy and balanced view on it. Its almost identical to what i plan on doing. Live my life to the fullest and maybe shell come back or maybe not. Or maybe i will fall even more in love with someone new (though it seems impossible to me atm). But hey at least in you case you know shes still in love with you and that she does miss you. I only know she misses me and thats it, so im constantly thinking did she forget me did she ever really care for me etc. I say lets go crazy while were young and dont let some other person immaturity drags us down. At the end of the day i like to think i only live once and yeah every second i spend away from her seems wasted, but you cant always get what you want so meanwhile appreciate what you can have.

Also what is GIGS enlighten me

[abitbroken]

Oh and not to mention that they can't even get married because she is already married to me and we cannot get divorced for the next two years for other reasons. I hate to say it but I see a single parent in less than a year. Once that lease is up... he's out or she's out. One of the other.

 

Why can't you get divorced for two years?? I see no better and more cut and dried reason than infidelity.

 

Also, check the laws where you are. In some states or jurisdiction, any child born during a marriage is the offspring of the husband legally. Not all, but some. So find out what the law is where you are.

[Reloxx]

abitbroken... you're beginning to scare me. I did not know that. This could be epic. We cannot get divorced for another two years due to homeland security reasons. This would throw a huge monkey wrench on things. Oh boy.

 

I'll check the laws.

 

GIGS is better explained here. This is what happened to my ex and 5 weeks later she's pregnant. Happy happy joy joy. She's in for a fun ride.

 

[ZhaoZilong5]

You write in it, she knew when she was preggers you wouldn't take her back and wrote "who would right?"

Then seem to be living in hope you may get it back together?

 

Are you trying to find logic within a sea of emotions?

[zep]

Wait.... are you committing immigration fraud? Is that why you wont get divorced, because then you'll have to leave? So shes having another mans baby but you're telling the immigration court you're still together and married? Thats super illegal!! Don't you think the court will see the name of the baby"s birth certificate and see you aren't the father? You could get banned from the USA for life for that!! And the USA looks into things big time..... (I mean heck they want to see the promise ring? They are definitely going to care that you're not this baby's father! And that you guys aren't living together anymore!)

 

If I were you THATS what I would be worried about right now!

[Reloxx]

Damn. This is some tough ***** to get over. I love this woman to death. I hate seeing her go down this path. Gabbing a baby with a rebound.

I feel robbed of a dream her and I had once created together. We worked so hard for this. We had it all planned. We sacrificed for this. I worked fulltime and studied fulltime. She helped me pay for college. I helped her with her classes. We had a plan!! Then at the very end this crap happens.

Now she's all miserable because she only wanted to explore other relationships and "find herself" and see if it was "love or comfort". Now she's pregnant with some loser.

 

He gets to rub her belly. He gets to talk to the baby. He gets to massage her. He gets to enjoy this pregnancy. He gets to have her first pregnancy. He gets to have her.

 

I'm upset. But I know I dodged a bullet. I dodged multiple bullets.

Had this baby been mine it wouldn't have fixed anything. All it would have done is prolonged the inevitable. She was going to go "find herself" and see if it was "love or comfort" sooner or later, baby or not.

I would have been left with the same heartbreak I have now and and more. She would have cheated, divorced, took my child, put me on child support and broken our home. It was inevitable. In fact, I would have lost my youth, my freedom, my pursuit of my dream career, my own business opportunities, and all the fun experiences that await me.

 

I would have sacrificed all that and devoted myself to the new family life and she would have broken all of that too. This happened for the best. I dodged a bullet.

 

Now I can continue my life as We had planned minus her and prosper. I imagine I will love again. And whatever, who knows? Maybe the stars align in a few years time when I'm well ready to settle down and her and I happen to reconnect and she has matured and became a full fledged adult and a person ready for a committed relationship. Maybe the feelings still remain and we can start a new relationship again.

She had a baby. It's not like she has aids or something.

 

I don't hold grudges and I love children. Perhaps this is for the best. Perhaps our story isn't over yet and instead it is just on pause.

 

It's hard to let go of a person you love unconditionally and have a bond of over 9 years. First love is usually the strongest type of love.

 

I guess time is what I need. I need more time.

 

My heart is shattered. My soul is broken. I trust no one. I feel broken in pieces. I feel jealous. I feel like maybe he treated her better. Maybe he is a better lover. Maybe he is a better fit for her.

I'm lost and confused and full of emotions and I don't know how to turn them off.

 

I want to shut down emotions. I don't want to feel any more. I want this nightmare to end.

 

There has to be something I can do to mend this. There has to be a solution to this problem. I'm a problem solver. My mind is constantly racing trying to figure this puzzle out.

How do I solve this?

Any ideas? Please help. Please help.

[Lateralis]

You seem to be a pretty intelligent person and it looks like you already know what you have to do.

 

Only advice I can really give is to just inform you that you are going through a whirlwind of emotions right now and that's going to be going on for a bit. As I'm sure you know, the only thing that is really going to help is time and love from others. Hopefully you're close to your family and they can support you in this hard time. Because this mess of emotions you'r experiencing, you are not going to be thinking clearly a good portion of the time.

 

No one can predict the future and tell you how things will turn out between you and her. But this is about you right now. And what you need is to heal and allow this grieving process to take place. It's tough, but it does get better, trust me.

 

Use this time to better yourself while allowing your heart to heal as you so desperately need.

 

You might be right. Your story with her might not be over, but just put in a hiatus. Or maybe it's just over for good. No one knows. Either way, you want to come out of this whole process a better person in general. Learn all you can from it better yourself through your new-found knowledge. Best thing you can do in my opinion is just to be yourself and to follow your own heart.

 

Good luck to you. I know this must be extremely difficult. I also know how it feels to have your mind racing at all times, wondering this and that, asking a lot of "what ifs", etc. It sucks... but it slowly goes away, and you slowly find yourself smiling again, and you're not thinking of her quite so much, you become interested in the things you used to enjoy... and you'll realize one day, "Hey, I'm back." You will get yourself back, and then you will know what to do.

 

Take care of yourself. Use this forum all you need. We're here for each other.

[Reloxx]

Thanks. I appreciate the good input. It alleviates the pain.

 

I just sometimes think I could have done more. Maybe if I didn't go NC when we broke up...

Maybe I should have fought harder. Maybe I fought too hard and drove her into his arms.

Who knows? This thing is crazy.

She's having his baby. Wow. Her first born will always be his. That connection will never be broken. She'll always think of him even if they break up.

They say mom's are always more attached to the first born and especially if they are male.

 

I think too much. I need my grandma. She would give the best advices.

[wowor]

Reloxx, I am going through a similar situation involving a significant other of 9 years and GIGS.

 

Don't cripple yourself by thinking she is the only one for you in this world. You need to get out there and date other women in a serious manner. I have only just begun doing this. Get some experience being this new and improved version of you and see how the shoes fit for at least a year outside the relationship. If it is meant to be, then you and her will reconnect. It was her decision to make the break and nothing you can do will change that.

 

In my opinion, I would advise LC for the necessary matters such as your court date, and then strict NC until she 100% wants to reconcile and talk out things with you. In order to grow and grieve properly, you need to completely let go of this relationship. It is dead and over. You both have a strong history together, but anything that would take place in the future would be brand new.

[Reloxx]

Wowor, I sympathize with your story. I've read it and I've commented on it or on threads where you have posted. I really do wish for the best for you and I recently read that you were dating again. I smiled when I read that a few days ago. I also saw that your ex contacted you or something. Be strong brother.

 

My case is a tad bit different. See, I thought it was a simple case of the GIGS. I figured I could get over all that and I can go and use these next two years to go and explore and have my fun and all that while she did her thing.

But now she's pregnant with the rebound and having a baby. They moved in together as well.

 

I just don't see a happy ending here. I thought in 2-3 years we would reconnect and start anew. But now with a child?

This changes everything. Everything. Everything!!!