They are just friends, but are his female friends a threat for me?

[PrettyGood]

MY VERSION

 

When we started dating, he told me that he has female friends with whom he kept in touch with. I didn't mind it till one day he started calling me his "girlfriend" and then telling me that those friends have a crush on him too. Days were passing and I have noticed that he is dating me almost everyday, but another time he is meeting his female friends - they go for coffee, they talk, they laugh, they meet his other friends, he's driving them home after work, they go shopping to other cities and I am not invited. Usually they meet in the evening after working hours and stay until late at night. Today he went to another city for business purposes and didn't write me anything, so I haven't disturbed him all day long, but in the evening I wrote him I missed him. He replied "I miss you too Then I suggested to meet tomorrow when he is free. He didn't reply and 10 minutes after he posted on his mobile FB: "I'm in X city. I have couple of free hours. Someone wants to meet?" Then I saw 2 girls reply in the comments. I'm so confused, I just feel so paranoid that I want to scream. He goes crazy if I start topic about his female friends so he stopped telling me about them and now I started spying him. It seems everything goes down cause I can't trust a man who is meeting his female friends who have a crush on him. I feel like I am walking on fire and it drives me crazy.

 

HIS VERSION

 

Once he told me: I don't care who you meet. You can also have tons of male friends. You can have an online dating profile on the internet. I don't believe in platonic friendships, so there will always be someone who has a crush on you or me and it's natural. If those guys wants something more from you, just tell them that you have a boyfriend. I don't need to tell my girls about you if we are not doing anything bad or dangerous for our relationships. They can flirt as much as they want, the most important is that you don't have to worry about anything, cause I am not gonna betray you. You know that my biggest value in relationships is fidelity. I think you are too paranoid, insecure and clingy by showing me your illogic worries about my female friends.

[click]

this would be unacceptable to some people so it's really just about your standards. he's obviously not willing to change so you have to decide if you want to be with him the way he is or leave him

[click]

as to whether they're a threat. Someone is a threat regardless of how the guy acts, and it's a matter if he wants to be with you or not. I'd look at it more from the stand point of whether it seems like he's going to treat your emotions well, and whether it's worth it to you if he's not

[Saudades]

lol wait, so he doesn't believe friends can be platonic but hangs with them anyway? Cue sirens...

 

I had an ex who kept around a guy with feelings for her, and she would say things just like that fidelity comment, or how important it is to never lie to me. I think they make these grand statements to sweep away current issues instead of sorting them out. The dating profile thing is pretty weird to me and I don't think he's as serious about this/relationships as you are. Not gonna say he's a bad guy but I don't think you have compatible views longterm. Trust will always be an issue if he handles your feelings this way, and I don't blame you for it.

[fionaCake]

It sounds like he's trying to give you permission so he can feel better about himself having female friends etc....

 

Just because HE is okay with everything, doesn't mean you have to be. Relationships are a two way street, and he obviously doesn't seem interested in trying to make you feel secure. He's just accusing you of being clingy/needy, which is going to make you feel guilty and make you feel like you're the one who is wrong. Personally, I dont think you are.

[Angel Irulan]

Hi! It's nice to meet you online. I know you are hurt and confused right now by all these things he's doing and saying that don't look like things a normal boyfriend would do. I don't mean to break your heart with this, but he's not a normal boyfriend. He's an fbuddy at best. I know guys, and there is a type of man who loves to manipulate you with confusion. The one step forward, two steps back can get you completely under his control if you follow him. You have to take a stand and tell him NO to the other girls behaviors. He's likely going to counter with: "can't you see, we just want different things?" And you are going to have to stand your ground right at that sentence and tell him that you are done. Finito, caput, no break up sex even. Don't be weak. He's had the upper hand long enough. The great thing with guys who are pro's at creating confusion is that gives them C-O-N-T-R-O-L over the women who stick around.

 

Don't be that woman! It's going to hurt even worse the longer you let this go on and this is giving up valuable time and space to be with another man! A man who wants you in every way. n

[nutbrownhare]

I'd be concerned if a guy was very keen to tell me about other women who fancy him while he encourages their attentions; I'd just assume this was not someone who was relationship material. If he was interesting and fun to hang out with, I'd continue with that, but not in the expectation that I'd be taking it any further.

 

He has shown you very clearly what his value system is; he doesn't mind if you have a ton of guys in tow, the way he has a ton of girls, as long as he knows you'll be there for him. In other words he likes the stability and reliability of having a relationship but without the commitment. Guys who get married, but have a string of affairs nevertheless, have a similar mindset. It's just that your guy has implied that he won't have sex with anyone else.

 

If this doesn't work for you - and I have to say it wouldn't work for me either - then gently distance yourself, spend time with other people whose company you enjoy and get on with your life. And leave him to it.

[ParisPaulette]

. I don't need to tell my girls about you if we are not doing anything bad or dangerous for our relationships. They can flirt as much as they want...

 

Uh, he is telling you by his actions and his words that he wants an open relationship--i.e. "let me do what I want with whom I want whenever I want. And you do the same although I do want you to tell other men about me even though I won't give you the same courtesy with my female admirers." It's one thing to have female friends, but not inviting you along and telling them about you means that he is keeping his options very, very open--i.e. he hides his relationship with you in order to have something with all these other girls. So what is that something? It doesn't sound that platonic to me, in fact it very much sounds like he is freely going out on dates with numerous women right in front of you and likely laughing about it the entire time by conning you into thinking it's okay since "we're just friends." Personally if it was me I'd be running fast, for the door away from him, since the problem lies not in the fact that he has female friends, but rather that he hides you from them.And that's not a relationship, it's a con job on you.

 

Of course, you could just settle matter by emailing/facebook messaging some of his "friends" and introducing yourself as his girlfriend then see what happens. Or better yet insist you start meeting his friends, male and female alike if you're really going to be his girlfriend. If he's on the up and up he'll have no problem introducing you, right? If he says no then ask him what he's hiding and if he still won't come clean break it off and tell him not to coming calling back until he's comfortable announcing you as his girlfriend to the whole world and yes, his female friends too. People who are just friends don't hide the fact that they're in a relationship--ever.

[Fudgie]

Be wary of guys who are keen on keeping friendships with girls who have crushes on them. It's a bad idea. And yeah he sounds like he wants an open relationship. If monogamy is what you're looking for you won't find it with this guy.

[PrettyGood]

Guys, I really don't know if I am overreacting or my boyfriend just creates those conditions for me to panic and then to break up with me. I know he's out of town for business purposes and asked several female friends out of town to meet. I don't have an idea who are those girls. I'm sitting here for almost all the day and night waiting for any kind of message from him. And he haven't wrote me anything. So I called him. He was driving and couldn't talk so he said "Can't I just call you back when I will stop somewhere? It's about in 2 minutes." 20 minutes passed and I received no call just an sms "yes, how can I help you?" I wrote him than I just missed him and want him to know, he replied the same. I suggested to meet any other day when he is free. No reply. I was constantly feeling so intense about this ignore. Then 4 hours later I sent him another message "Have you returned home safely? You are very calm today." No reply for another hours. I don't even know if he's at home or if he's going to stay outside the city because it's almost midnight here and it drives me crazy!

 

QUESTION: Do people sometimes use cold turkey technique just to flip their significant others, to show that they are too clingy and just to find a reason to break up for that? Or am I just paranoid?

[metrogirl]

"yes, how can I help you"

 

I'm willing to bet his so called female friends get more than just a message like the one you got. Why are you settling for crumbs? He's telling you, showing you that you aren't a priority in his life, heck you aren't even a blimp on the radar.

 

It's time to let it go.

[Fudgie]

PrettyGood,

 

People who do that have problems. And no, more than likely if he thinks your clingy he'll just break up with you. Right now you're good for the sex.

 

You've had sex, right? Once you dump this Joker, please get a STD text please. I have no doubt he's porking at least one of the girls.

[Batya33]

My personal boundaries on this issue would be that having friends of the opposite sex is fine with two conditions -one, that I have the opportunity to meet them (whether or not I choose to) and second that they are supportive of my marriage (or, before that, my relationship). Figure out what your personal boundaries are and try to be brutally honest with yourself. That I would not be comfortable with the arrangement you described is almost irrelevant - I shared my personal boundaries to give you an example of how simple it is to figure that out and express it simply -what's hard is taking the subjectivity out of the equation -in your case, you're really into this guy so you're trying to rationalize that his values are compatible with yours.

[nutbrownhare]

I'd be worried if a partner of mine didn't have female friends, working on the basis that a guy who doesn't like women is ultimately not going to like me.

 

However, this is a far cry from encouraging girls with a crush on him. It also makes you wonder if there's anyone else who he calls his girlfriend.