Why would he do this?

[Amandacast57]

And I HATE the feeling of not feeling like I have control. If I did, it would be that he got his life together and then we lived happily ever after. Haha. But at the end of the day, I don't know that, he doesn't know that and you don't know that. He could HOPE that I'll be there when he figures everything out, but I think he knows that there are probably plenty of people waiting for the opportunity to snatch me up, hence his reaction after ONE night of knowing I went out with a friend.

 

And the whole "Hope you had fun with him" wasn't the extent of his rude and jealous comments. I told him he was retarded and his response was "Is that what he told you last night? That I'm being retarded for not being with you?".

 

 

 

I feel like the second I pull away he starts getting that anxiety. Like his text last night. It was like he couldn't wait to send me another text, itching to say something about me not being responsive to what he said and finding out what I was doing, making sure I wasn't with someone else. He made a comment about me not saying anything last night. Um, we haven't spoken at night at all. Why should I respond to a text that was clearly sent to find out if I was with someone else.

 

And this whole "it is not fair for me to ask you to hold out for me". Ok, reverse psychology. You do want me to hold out for you.

 

It feels like games. Im not 12. If you don't think it is going to work out, say it. If you don't see yourself coming around, say it.

 

And what would that anxiety do anyways? Why would he even want to continue "this" with me, knowing that I might be out with others? I guess that was what the "loyal to each other" was for.

[Justnotsure]

But what motivation does he have to say it?

 

If he does, he cuts you loose. Sure, that would be the mature and caring thing to do -- why do you want to be with someone who is clearly keeping you around for selfish reasons?

 

The thing is -- if he wanted to be with you now, he'd be with you. He has made a CHOICE. And now you need to make a CHOICE. And then the ball goes back to him. But until you make a choice - you will continue to spin in this drama and keep guessing at what he's thinking/feeling and hoping that his immature and jealous behavior means that he really loves you.

 

You will continue to search each text message and statement for meaning and build a case one way or the other. And continue to tell yourself that he's just "blind" or "lost" and that's why he's not committing to a life with you.

 

Breaking up with someone is HARD. It's not a small decision. The fact that he made that CHOICE -- loud and clear -- should communicate more to you than all of this BS back and forth that you're participating in right now.

 

As calichick said, until you're willing to accept that - nobody can really give you any advice.

[calichick007]

If you don't think it is going to work out, say it. If you don't see yourself coming around, say it.

 

He's probably never going to say it verbally. In extremely rare cases, you will get that definitive, "It is over - I am never coming back, I never want to be with you again" response. In the vast, vast majority of situations, people will leave the door open, just in case. "Maybe down the line," "Maybe if/when _____ happens," "I'm not asking you to wait for me, but _______," etc. I don't know about you, but I want marriage. I want kids. I want family life. I don't have time to hang my hat on a vague and undefined "if" or crack in the proverbial door - not when I know I could find a guy who is so sure about me that he wouldn't risk the loss. Most people are not going to close the door... it is up to you to close it when you are strong enough to do so.

[Amandacast57]

Yes, I do want marriage, kids, a home...the works. But I don't want to "find" someone. I want someone to "find" me. And this guy on Monday I'm going out with. He has been coming on waaaaaaay too strong and it is turning me off. He literally asked me like 2 days after my ex broke up with me to hang out. I'm like look, I'd rather just have a conversation with you right now and for the time being. Why would you want to push dating a girl who admits she still has feelings for her ex. I was honest. And then we talked and texted and it was nice to just do that. But then he starts asking me to be his date to this and that. And I'm like AGAIN, I'm not ready. I finally told him that we could meet Monday to watch a basketball game get food/beers. I felt ok about it and was looking forward to it but he texted me today wanting to hang out tonight. I DONT WANT TO HANG OUT TONIGHT!!! I literally want to go home and lay on my couch in my pajamas because work has been THAT stressful this week.

[calichick007]

When you aren't ready and try to force it, you'll only end up feeling frustrated the way you do with this guy. Dating can be a nice distraction once you are in a better place emotionally, but if you aren't ready - you just aren't ready, and that's okay. I've been that girl on a date shortly after a breakup, crying in the bathroom. Not good!

[Nattersmatter]

It *is* games, Amanda. And I'm not talking the usual, healthy ones. Only, you've (clearly) never been subjected to someone who plays them this well and to this depth before. So, neither being receptive to nor recognising the signs, including that he's dating around, you would rather refuse to believe they exist or contrive them to mean something else... something more positive,... than drop your aforementioned pride in your past track record where de-coding behavioural clues is concerned.

 

And (which I'm now going to add to my earlier analysis), not only do you want to give in to the peer pressure, you want a practise baby.

 

Yep, you heard me.

 

I think this is the entire nuclear issue, in fact. And it's perfectly common. You're ready to sprog (because your 'biological brain' is exerting mental pressure on you) but you're nowhere near ready emotionally to settle down.

 

So this want of a quasi-baby is precisely why you keep attributing lofty, honourable, BABY attitudes and thinking to him: he's not a selfish git who no longer cares/never did care for you ergo you're too high-maintenance, too much like hard work for perks which HE knows he can get far more easily (via this duping strategy of his), no-NO...He's merely a poor wickle fing who just needs to be given greater patience, tolerance, understanding, nurturing... he just needs a quasi mummy to scoop him up and love him harder.

 

Meanwhile, perversely, despite you're too much like hard work for a mere feelgood aid, you are also too tempting to the side of him that loves CHALLENGE when it comes to how much more clever, cunning and devious than you and other women he normally is. (Oh, aye - obviously he's got a track record he's just as proud of, better believe it.)

 

I like hanging out with you. You are incredibly cute. If someone is showing interest in you, it's not fair for me to ask you to "hold out" for me. If we both just do our own thing, remain into and loyal to each other, hopefully it will work out the way you want".

 

1. Leaving aside his gross contradiction in the one sentance as already observed by you, notice the reasons he gives you Pro continuing to see you (which we already know means occasionally and without any sense of duty and responsibility). Surely, if the issue is only that he has hurdles in the way of being able to MAKE USE of his love for you and put that love IN MOTION, love would still be mentioned and love would still be felt (via loving actions)? But NO!... We have gone from to the mere fact of you being CUTE and being nice TO HANG OUT with.

 

What you've got there if you reconvert it back to the more formal semantics is this: "I like hanging out with you BECAUSE you're cute". Cute = good-looking, nice body, nice t*ts...

 

(WHAT?!!)

 

You "hang out" with a *friend*, Amanda. With a lover, it's "spending time"... "being with". And you don't just *like* doing these, you LOVE spending time/being with... A lover is not just cute. Cute isn't a main reason as gets called to mind in a Crunch Time moment. Cute sits far behind thus gets recalled far behind 'because you're lovely, because you're intelligent, because you're kind, because you're *beautiful*....'. Maybe not to men who aren't or aren't yet in love with you; then that's standard guy talk, sure. But this guy was *supposed* to be in love with you (so he SAID) and, you'd think - by the fact he refuses to leave you alone - therefore still is!!!

 

*Evidently* not. And that's going by the psycholinguistics alone.

 

2. Furthermore: Amanda, do you ever hear these? :

 

Would you like to hang out at "X Restaurant" tonight?

Do you fancy hanging out at the cinema?

Shall we hang out at that new play?

 

You don't, do you. You hear this:

 

Fancy hanging out tonight?, and *automatically* know that means (and will be clarified verbally) either at his place or your place (or a friend's house if you *had* mutual friends, which you don't).... where it's no big deal to move from living room to bedroom.

 

'Hang out' also implies Occasionally. Accordingly, we already KNOW it's not going to be some regular or frequent thing.

 

3. To continue in the same vein... let's play Spot The Difference:

 

A (what a man who loves you but is in two minds over you because he knows he has to get his life in order and thinks he can't handle that plus you simultaneously (as if the two were mutually exclusive, anyway)) might say.

If someone is showing interest in you, it's not fair for me to ask you to "hold out" for me... So I won't....hard not to though it is.

If we both just do our own thing, remain into and loyal to each other, things should work out the way we want."

 

B (what *he* said).

If someone is showing interest in you, it's not fair for me to ask you to "hold out" for me.

If we both just do our own thing, remain into and loyal to each other, hopefully it will work out the way you want".

 

"Hopefully"??? What... like, 'I'll try(!) to ring you Tuesday.. hopefully speak then'?

 

"The way *YOU* want"??? Gosh... Doesn't *he* want that, too?

 

WHOOPS - butter-fingers, Mister Man!... cos that missing 'we' is a giant GOTCHA!

 

...a giant Gotcha, Amanda. (Are you receiving me???)

 

xoxo

[calichick007]

If we both just do our own thing, remain into and loyal to each other, hopefully it will work out the way you want".

 

"Hopefully"??? What... like, 'I'll try(!) to ring you Tuesday.. hopefully speak then'?

 

"The way *YOU* want"??? Gosh... Doesn't *he* want that, too?

 

WHOOPS - butter-fingers, Mister Man!... cos that missing 'we' is a giant GOTCHA!

 

...a giant Gotcha, Amanda. (Are you receiving me???)

 

xoxo

 

ITA with this and meant to highlight it earlier. Very telling.

[Amandacast57]

ITA with this and meant to highlight it earlier. Very telling.

 

Yep, I thought about that too. "Hopefully it will work out the way I want?". So, that means that I am the only person that wants this.....ever? Hopefully you will "return" to me in the end? Like you are some awesome prize?

 

How about "hopefully I will realize that I'm STUPID for giving up something that others will kill for"?

[Nattersmatter]

Hopefully, he will. Although I seriously doubt it... because this isn't a chance he's missing or foolishly screwing up, it's a chance he doesn't even want and won't for quite a while. By the time he's got over the anger and bitterness towards his cheating ex and ceased trying to get revenge on her by proxy through every/any OTHER woman by making fools out of them - just because they're a woman and "they're all the xxxxing same, the b*tches!" - by outdoing them, duping them, using them, etc., he (hopefully - assuming he at least started out decent before he saw himself maltreated) wouldn't even be able to look you in the face.

 

It's your life, Amanda. So you don't need to (albeit subconsciously and half-heartedly) try to give yourself permission through ours to now use him as your practise baby under the loftier, more worthwhile-sounding reason of him just being some poor wickle confused thing who shouldn't be held accountable nor condemned. If you're intent on doing that and would be prepared even to undergo humiliation and a loss of pride to achieve it, that's your business. However, what you DON'T know is that you aren't in control of the process by which you become attached to someone any more than anyone else is, this particularly being the case when you already have remaining feelings for him (or the past him you thought he was). Therefore, the cost will be far higher than mere humiliation. It'll be loss of confidence followed by lowered self-esteem (which will need X months of recovery)... or worse: you finding the habit of him and the relationship eventually too hard to break and thereby ending up married to him, and - courtesy of you having assisted him in his setting habit of seeing you as some doormat to always manipulatively push around - ending up a completely worn-down mess.

 

It happens, you know. *A LOT*.

 

What's the point in applying and honing your mothering-to-be instinct if meanwhile in the process the person behind that mother has been rendered somewhat too pitiful and weak to be any good to the pending child, anyway?

 

Whether it's this and only this or additionally that you love a bit of challenge and drama plus a bit of simply hating Not Knowing to the Nth degree all the Whys and Wherefores, I simply wouldn't do that to yourself if I were you.

 

I'll say it again: If you *were* ready psychologically as well as biologically, you wouldn't. You'd accept the unavoidability of the pain of getting over him whilst not wasting another minute of your time, a la, 'Yes, it hurts and will do for a while but at least I dodged a bullet and won't add X months/years' delay in finding my all-round compatible, *well*-intentioned, willing and able mate, settling down with him and having those kids'.

 

So have we got through to you yet? Are you seeing the sense, now, in keeping *right* away from him henceforth?... or what?

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

ITA with this and meant to highlight it earlier. Very telling.

 

Yep. *Too* telling. And this is why women - when rarely they *have* the propensity for whatever reason(s) - make far more successful players than men. Men always-always-always let themselves down when it comes to keeping a close check on the DETAILS.

 

But since it is a Freudian via the subconscious, he obviously does have a how-ever-still-functional Jiminy Cricket who was *not* going to stand by and let him succeed at being an emotionally abusive, woman-hating git. So my vote is, he's a reactive git only (courtesy of having been duped and used himself and denied the opportunity to wreak revenge where it belonged). He's not, however, going to be fully-healed and back to decency on Amanda's timeline.

 

Anyway... Well spotted, missus.

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

Hopefully, he will. Although I seriously doubt it... because this isn't a chance he's missing or foolishly screwing up, it's a chance he doesn't even want and won't for quite a while. By the time he's got over the anger and bitterness towards his cheating ex and ceased trying to get revenge on her by proxy through every/any OTHER woman by making fools out of them - just because they're a woman and "they're all the xxxxing same, the b*tches!" - by outdoing them, duping them, using them, etc., he (hopefully - assuming he at least started out decent before he saw himself maltreated) wouldn't even be able to look you in the face.

 

So this whole this is really about his cheating ex and getting revenge?? Not that it matters, but I think it he does, in some way, thinks he is screwing up. Which is why he can't just cut ties to "chase" whatever this meaning of his life should be. Because he doesn't know what it is or what he is supposed to be doing. So lets make sure I'm still here, interested, in case this awesome and cool thing that is supposed to happen, is really him completing school, getting certifications, and growing up (wow, so much different than what the normal human being does). But again, it doesn't matter, if he is too immature, self-centered and selfish to be able to appreciate me and incorporate me into his life while he is trying to make himself better at the same time.

 

 

I was talking to my mom about him last night. She thinks it is really crazy that he is basically putting his life on pause for this "I need to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing". And basically, he is. Which is a problem, as everyone has stated. How could he be a good life partner if he acts like this while trying to figure out his life? If he can't incorporate me into his life while making a better life for himself, and ultimately us, why would I think that it would be any different if we ever got married.

 

31 isn't THAT old but time is running out. So yes, like everyone said, will he ever want to settle down? He claims that he does and it is the "Christian thing to do", and SURE, if you want to know that you can provide for your family, work towards that. But I think it is pathetic for anyone to have a great person wanting to support you and work as a team and you risk the loss of something like that because you have the crazy goals!

 

He texted me last night to let me know he got to Charlotte (he is reffing another tournament this weekend) and that he was running out to get a sandwhich for dinner. I didn't ask him to check-in. So why do it?

[calichick007]

The part you keep missing is that you two do not currently share the same goals and priorities. You keep turning over in your mind what kind of husband he would be if this is how he behaves, how he could expect to be a good life partner, etc. What you're missing (or avoiding) is that being your life partner is not a priority for him. It is not currently on his to-do list. Yes, everything about him screams "NOT husband material." And yes, he is willing to risk losing you rather than take steps that would put him into the "husband material" category. Why? Not because he is pathetic or immature. But because being your husband is not currently a goal for him. Being your boyfriend is not even a current goal for him. That is the big problem. Your priority is this "relationship," and wanting him to be the kind of partner who would make a good husband. His priority is living his life, doing whatever it is he wants to do, reffing games, etc. He will never see it the way you do because while it is a priority/goal for you, it is not for him. He is fully willing to let you walk away and live your life with someone else. He's told you that in so many ways.

 

Time is not running out for him. Men get married well into their late 30s, early 40s. They don't have a biological clock to worry about. And I've seen it time and time again - the same men who eschew commitment, claim they aren't sure they want marriage, say they need to figure out their lives first, etc.... when a woman comes along and TRULY knocks their socks off, they will throw all of those excuses to the side and take the plunge. They do it because they'd rather deal with all of those side issues while WITH her than risk losing her. You can't make someone feel that way, however. He has to feel it for himself and does not, for whatever reason. It's not your issue to dissect. You can't force someone to care enough about you that they won't risk losing you.

 

And again, you weren't even with this guy for 6 months. You are incredibly lucky that you did not waste more time spinning your wheels here.

[iamkaylee]

Amanda no matter how many people you ask, threads you start here or how you want to spin it and try to control everything, it always comes back to the exact same thing.

 

He doesn't want you. He doesn't want a full time committed relationship with you. He doesn't want the same things you want right now. You can tell him and everyone else how wrong he is, what a huge mistake he's making and how great you are all you want to. It's still not going to make him want you, change his mind or make him feel something he doesn't.

 

Honestly, at this point, you need to move on and get over yourself. Sorry if that hurts your ego but statements you've made on this thread show you have a very narcissistic and controlling attitude. If that's the kind of stuff you bring to a relationship, that could very well be why he doesn't want you as a girlfriend anymore.

[Amandacast57]

Feeling down tonight. Haven't heard from him today. He's out of town reffing a soccer tournament.

 

I keep telling myself "he doesn't love you", "he doesn't care about you".

 

I was looking through my voicemail and stupidly listened to one he left me mid September. He said "love you" at the end and I immediately broke down in tears.

 

I don't feel like I ever want to try again.

[The_Seeker]

Feeling down tonight. Haven't heard from him today. He's out of town reffing a soccer tournament.

 

I keep telling myself "he doesn't love you", "he doesn't care about you".

 

I was looking through my voicemail and stupidly listened to one he left me mid September. He said "love you" at the end and I immediately broke down in tears.

 

I don't feel like I ever want to try again.

 

[hugs hugs hugs hugs]

 

Gurl, tomorrow, I want you to look beautiful and treat yourself to a nice breakfast. Then go walk around at a park and feed the ducks. Go to a flower shop, buy yourself a bouquet of your favorite flowers. Then go home and give yourself a bubble bath and blast Jessie James' song "I look so good with you." ;]

[Nattersmatter]

I keep telling myself "he doesn't love you", "he doesn't care about you".

 

Good! That's both normal and healthy.

 

I was looking through my voicemail and stupidly listened to one he left me mid September. He said "love you" at the end and I immediately broke down in tears.

 

Good! Normal/healthy. (Don't *over*-do it, though, or it becomes UN-healthy.)

 

I don't feel like I ever want to try again.

 

Good! Normal/healthy. And don't worry - you will once you've finished getting over your massive disappointment. And then the next chap will automatically be all-round far better for you, meaning you'll raise a toast to Footie Boy for having 'set you free' when he did. Alternatively, given the necessary amount of time and realisations, that next chap might even be Footie Boy himself (New & Improved), you never know?... in which case you'll be equally as pleased he let you go when he did. But NOT if you keep hanging onto this present relationship, it won't. That relationship has to be dead and gone or the pair of you will just slide automatically, uncontrollably back into it... And why would you want to slide back into something that made you feel so sh*tty and under-valued?

 

See it like this, Amanda: every interaction between you produced an emotional data sheet which went into his intray, along with every other data sheet to do with other areas of his life that create negative (non-understood and unreconciled) emotional responses. If you keep creating new sheets courtesy of any further interaction with him, he will *never* get through that tray to the bottom sheet; he will *never* get around to reading, understanding and correctly filing away all those sheets as is necessary to make someone optimally fit enough to handle a relationship. And the VITAL sheets are those that lay, ever-untouched, at the BOTTOM of that tray, courtesy of the fact that humans tend always to take and deal with sheets from the UPPERMOST surface.

 

You, meanwhile, have your own tray which *he* keeps adding to.

 

He is OBVIOUSLY not the type who can cope with seeing more sheets getting added onto his existing pile.

 

Therefore, cease allowing any more sheets to get added or all you're doing is making is less and less possible to end up with either new & improved partner.

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

Alternatively, given the necessary amount of time and realisations, that next chap might even be Footie Boy himself (New & Improved), you never know?... in which case you'll be equally as pleased he let you go when he did. But NOT if you keep hanging onto this present relationship, it won't. That relationship has to be dead and gone or the pair of you will just slide automatically, uncontrollably back into it... And why would you want to slide back into something that made you feel so sh*tty and under-valued?

 

Is that even realistic?? I mean, it seems like he expects this HUGE thing to happen in his life and I'm not sure if there will be something large enough to satisfy his craving. So won't he be chasing this thing forever? How realistic is it that he will say "ok, I'm 31. It is time to buckle down. I'm going to get my associates degree, do this many things to build my credentials and I'm going to settle down and start acting like a mature man and provider"? I've never had to deal with someone like this so I'm not sure if it is a phase or something permanent. Haha, I'd love to see inside his head and know what he is thinking like, is the stringing a long business a alicious action or is it him going back and forth on what he wants? Should I even think that when he is at home alone that he is thinking about me?

 

See it like this, Amanda: every interaction between you produced an emotional data sheet which went into his intray, along with every other data sheet to do with other areas of his life that create negative (non-understood and unreconciled) emotional responses. If you keep creating new sheets courtesy of any further interaction with him, he will *never* get through that tray to the bottom sheet; he will *never* get around to reading, understanding and correctly filing away all those sheets as is necessary to make someone optimally fit enough to handle a relationship. And the VITAL sheets are those that lay, ever-untouched, at the BOTTOM of that tray, courtesy of the fact that humans tend always to take and deal with sheets from the UPPERMOST surface.

 

I completely agree with this. He clearly cannot pursue any long term commitment with me until he figures out the purpose of his life. If I sit here and poke every now and then say "hey, I'm here, remember me?", it is a distraction from what he should be doing. And I've tried very hard to leave him be. Most of our interaction has been initiated by him. Is that a bad thing?

 

He is OBVIOUSLY not the type who can cope with seeing more sheets getting added onto his existing pile

 

Well and I know it is his life and not my problem, but he needs to learn to cope with multiple piles of sheets because that is called LIFE

 

Therefore, cease allowing any more sheets to get added or all you're doing is making is less and less possible to end up with either new & improved partner.

 

Again, him being the new and improved partner = realistic?

 

I'm trying to just go with the flow and focus on me

[Justme3]

Amanda, you have received some very good advice from the above posters. And you are right to focus on you. But you can't do that wholeheartedly until you let him go. Let him go completely and take care of you.

[calichick007]

Well and I know it is his life and not my problem, but he needs to learn to cope with multiple piles of sheets because that is called LIFE

 

Again, him being the new and improved partner = realistic?

 

He WOULD learn to cope if your relationship was something he wanted badly enough. It is not. It is really that simple, no matter how much you try to complicate it. He would prefer to be without you and has made that choice. You are the only person left in the relationship. Alone.

 

Him being new and improved partner = decidedly NOT realistic. Again, being a new and improved partner for you is not on his to-do list. It is not a priority or a goal for him. It is a goal for YOU, but one that YOU cannot achieve.

 

He doesn't love you, Amanda. He doesn't want to be with you. He is out, living his life. And you're here dedicating page after page, thread after thread - to trying to figure out his life path. More energy than he is, I'm sure. You can't do this forever. At some point, you will have to trade denial for acceptance. There are people who have been with their partners for YEARS, and they are able to heal. This was a few months. You can do it too, but not until you decide that's what you want.

[Amandacast57]

I don't post here looking for someone to tell me what I want to hear. I've gotten many opinions, from each end of the spectrum. I post because, for example, last night, I was feeling down. So I posted my feelings for support and so that I wouldn't contact him.

 

And I don't contact him or ask to hang out. That's him. And just because I come here with new information like "he's aid he liked the idea of taking a step back", I know it doesn't make a difference since those are only words.

[calichick007]

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you posting. But as others have said, it does seem that you continue to go in circles and ask the same questions over and over, hoping for a different answer. If I (we) are wrong, I apologize. But I also know what it's like to keep asking in hopes that someone will offer you some hope.

 

And of course he likes the idea of taking a step back. For most couples, that would mean starting over and really dating like you did in the beginning. For you guys, that has meant sex and him throwing you a text every now and then while you sit and feel anxious about the fact that he's cancelling plans and falling off the grid intermittently. The only person the scenario doesn't work for is you. He has no reason not to like that idea. Again, all benefits flow to him.

[Amandacast57]

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you posting. But as others have said, it does seem that you continue to go in circles and ask the same questions over and over, hoping for a different answer. If I (we) are wrong, I apologize. But I also know what it's like to keep asking in hopes that someone will offer you some hope

 

Well I may ask the same questions because I come here with updates. So, for example, in my eyes he goes from not talking to me for days, to texting me every day, to acting like he did when we first started dating when I saw him last, to saying he liked the idea of taking a step back. In my eyes I think "this seems like progress. It seems like he misses me", etc etc. So instead of just running with that, I come here for opinions.

 

And it's not like everyone that has posted has said the same thing. Ive been told that it seems like he's scared, that he doesn't want me, that he wants to take a step back because I was too pushy, that it seems like he wants to only date me and other girls aren't involved, that I'm being used, and that he doesn't want me.

 

And of course he likes the idea of taking a step back. For most couples, that would mean starting over and really dating like you did in the beginning. For you guys, that has meant sex and him throwing you a text every now and then while you sit and feel anxious about the fact that he's cancelling plans and falling off the grid intermittently. The only person the scenario doesn't work for is you. He has no reason not to like that idea. Again, all benefits flow to him.

 

The starting over comment was just made on Friday. And I don't know what he means by that. I told him I wanted to talk about it. If it means starting over and taking things slow like we should have in the first place, that is fine. He hasn't been sending me a text now and then. We talk constantly for majority of the day. We just don't see each other a lot, which is whatever. And we have only had sex once. (not trying to defend. Just saying the facts).

[rachellsa]

Please read the post I just made on the healing forum. It contains some fab articles that I really believe would help you. I've known my ex for 8 years, we dated on and off, then were in a very serious (or so I thought) relationship for a year and a half. Lived together for 10 months of it. I truly believed he was "the one" and my best friend. Now I'm slowly realising after being broken up for a month that its OVER. That part of my life IS over. And its time to move on. Today is the first day where I think if he came crawling back to me (he wont) but theoretically, I would say, thanks, but no thanks! These articles help you realise WHY they're not for you and WHY pursuing them would not be beneficial to you or anyone else other than his ego.

 

If you're really the strong confident woman that you claim to be, do not dwell on this any longer! You need to push him out of your mind. He DOES NOT DESERVE YOU! And you WILL be happier without him, even if you are single. It's much better to be single than in a relationship where you beg for scraps! Obviously no one on this forum is you, they know nothing of what it was like in your relationship BUT they do know heart break and they have endless knowledge on how to heal you. Listen to them. Let him go.

[Nattersmatter]

Scoozie absence - been up to my eyeballs...

 

So this whole this is really about his cheating ex and getting revenge??

 

It's an educated guess based on common causes of such reactivity, this one being the prime suspect which fits perfectly, yes. In other words, I've seen it all before... a-GAIN and a-GAIN and a-(aargh!)-GAIN and..... Where the mating game is concerned, there a limited number of set stageplays. And it's 'same play, different stars'.

 

Not that it matters, but I think it he does, in some way, thinks he is screwing up.

 

Actually, contrary to over-PC thinking, it *does* matter. If you can put him into precise context, you know what you're dealing with thus know *how* to deal with it. Put it like this: something hit you in the face but you're not sure what. Any good A&E consultant knows that establishing the *root* cause is vital. What if that thing was infectious? Not only does your broken nose and skin need fixing but you might need a Tetanus jab or you'll have a *secondary* medical threat pending. (Lemon Entry, dear Watson.) So you need to identify the object, know where it's been and whether it's a contaminant, establish the weight and force with which it hit, from which direction, etc.

 

No tool is bad or good unless used at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong target (and at the wrong degree). Working him out is fine. What is NOT fine is if you don't share that effort on working YOURSELF out (the yourself you were in tandem with who/what he is).

 

If you establish what hit you and why thus how, you'll be able to in future avoid altogether or dodge impact at the correct moment or take better care when in its environment, won't you.

 

I'm sure on some level he knows he's screwing up - in the general sense rather than as pertains solely to you. But he doesn't care. He'd rather make excuses for himself than GET ON WITH IT. Think of him as a teenager being expected to behave wholly like a 31-year-old, being unable, and how he'd get around that disability and cope with the consequences of failure. Click-click-click, right?

 

Which is why he can't just cut ties to "chase" whatever this meaning of his life should be.

 

He shouldn't but he can and he is. "Shouldda, Wouldda, Couldda are the last words of a fool". Deal with reality, not ideals.

 

Because he doesn't know what it is or what he is supposed to be doing. So lets make sure I'm still here, interested, in case this awesome and cool thing that is supposed to happen, is really him completing school, getting certifications, and growing up (wow, so much different than what the normal human being does). But again, it doesn't matter, if he is too immature, self-centered and selfish to be able to appreciate me and incorporate me into his life while he is trying to make himself better at the same time.

 

It matters because this is as much a life lesson for you as it is for him. You shouldn't get hung up on it, though. Try to see the massive positive that this represents.

 

I was talking to my mom about him last night. She thinks it is really crazy that he is basically putting his life on pause for this "I need to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing". And basically, he is. Which is a problem, as everyone has stated. How could he be a good life partner if he acts like this while trying to figure out his life? If he can't incorporate me into his life while making a better life for himself, and ultimately us, why would I think that it would be any different if we ever got married.

 

Precisely. And yes it's crazy. It's crazy when at his age he's supposed to be an adult replete with all associated coping mechanisms yet psychologically most definitely isn't. Crazy that at his age he *doesn't* yet want to settle down according to the most common age/stage... unless it's with someone unsuitable (in the context of his anti-suitability) so that it can't become a permanent state. He is an unfinished (or possibly unfinish-able) product. Kid in grown-up-man suit. I'd put his age - using his attitude, thinking and behaviour - at around 19. Again, he may be a very late developer or a never-developer.

 

31 isn't THAT old but time is running out. So yes, like everyone said, will he ever want to settle down? He claims that he does and it is the "Christian thing to do",

 

Christianity is neither here nor there. It's the most primitive, most NATURAL and PRIMARY thing to do hence powered by incredibly powerful involuntary URGE. Crikey - if at his technical age/stage he needs Christianity as a motivational enhancement, God HELP HIM!

 

and SURE, if you want to know that you can provide for your family, work towards that. But I think it is pathetic for anyone to have a great person wanting to support you and work as a team and you risk the loss of something like that because you have the crazy goals!

 

This would actually be a laudible decision albeit overreactively anal, *IF* clearing one area of his deck *were* what he's doing. But he's *not* (other woman/women). The life improvements pending spin is just that - spin. I repeat: He wants a relationship only that will be ALL ON HIS TERMS (Master/Servant). Rather than admit this and deal with it ("ach, too much like hard work"), he hides behind his plausible (yet unsquareable with the evidence) cover story.

 

He texted me last night to let me know he got to Charlotte (he is reffing another tournament this weekend) and that he was running out to get a sandwhich for dinner. I didn't ask him to check-in. So why do it?

 

You KNOW why. Here is you now hiding behind the Need To Know Until It Sinks In Properly rather than focus on the REAL question and your OWN issue, which is:

 

Did you answer this text?

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

Well I wanted to give an update even though I'm sure ill get the same response from everyone.

 

We were in contact again this week. He told me he was sorry for being such a mess and that he wanted to s