Why would he do this?

[Ms Darcy]

I suggest running yourself a nice hot bath and soaking in candles. Not only helps the lungs but also helps the spirit.

[Amandacast57]

I suggest running yourself a nice hot bath and soaking in candles. Not only helps the lungs but also helps the spirit.

 

You read my mind. I did that earlier.

 

I'm finding out a lot of things about my ex. He told one of his exes that I was a nutcase (which I absolutely was not) and that once he realized he didn't want to move in with me, he broke up with me. Apparently he talks bad about me all the time.

 

They were supposed to hang out on Saturday night and he bailed on her.

[Justnotsure]

Don't seek out information to torture yourself, but as it comes in, believe it.

 

I know this sounds really lame, but with my ex -- I got a calendar and X'd out the days that we didn't speak. It helped me to think of it as another day that I was being strong, rather than kind of waiting and wondering whether or not I'd hear from him. I set a goal of 60 days. I think he contacted me around day 32 or something, and I had no desire to break my "streak."

 

Honestly, it makes you feel so strong to treat yourself well and not even give one bit of energy to a person who treats you so poorly.

[Amandacast57]

Don't seek out information to torture yourself, but as it comes in, believe it.

 

I know this sounds really lame, but with my ex -- I got a calendar and X'd out the days that we didn't speak. It helped me to think of it as another day that I was being strong, rather than kind of waiting and wondering whether or not I'd hear from him. I set a goal of 60 days. I think he contacted me around day 32 or something, and I had no desire to break my "streak."

 

Honestly, it makes you feel so strong to treat yourself well and not even give one bit of energy to a person who treats you so poorly.

 

I didn't seek it out. But it is good to know. But I got to read the WHOLE conversation. A lot of her saying that she thought it was funny I was getting played and even if he was playing her too, she would still stay in contact with him to hurt me. Oh, and that I'm not cute.

 

The thing is, he didn't treat me poorly. He was good to me. BUT, I see now that he treats me poorly behind my back. And he does it for attention from other girls, to let them think that they are special.

 

I'm not a nutcase. I'm far from it. And the fact that just a few days ago we were all lovey-dovey and now, I'm hurt, because of these things I'm finding out now.

 

I try to think about what the hell I did to deserve this. Even after everything that has been said, I still haven't said one mean thing about him.

[Nattersmatter]

Course he bailed on her - he's a user. He dupes women by hinting JUST ENOUGH that he's in the market for love/a relationship when always, always there's something *else* he wants from them which he knows they wouldn't provide him were he to be upfront with his request.

 

This makes him a prostitute, frankly... albeit, where real prossies are after one more-acceptable thing - money - he's after distraction (for procrastination/self-betterment-avoidance purposes), validation (that he *is* as utterly wonderful and irresistible as he deeper down fears he's actually not, and/or that he doesn't deserve *any* of the blame for what was co-created and certainly not for what was instigated wholly by him as forced that co-creation), eeeeeet-cetera. See how he's just done that to this ex-gf?....."I'm interested in a reconciliation with you (not) ...so now tell me how god-like and blameless I am and be quick about it!". Oh, sure - she SAYS it's just revenge on you she's after... but she's a self-kidder, too!

 

He was obviously doing that to you, as well ...only, where it came to non-gullible, less-desperate you, far greater effort was required to get you duped into believing he was after Forever After with you!... HENCE all the over-concerted attempts on his part in the form of starting or manipulating or downright provoking talks about "your future life together". As soon as he got the rubberstamp from you and your 'department' as a whole (- that being Healthy, Functional, "Whole Package" Women) - BAM! - he no longer had any need of you.... hence you saw that unfold in motion (DUMP!).

 

Course, he didn't manage to get the WHOLE stamp-imprint first time around. You seemed to NOT be as devastated as one who's been dumped by a god should be. Hence he needed you back for the missing portion.... before - DUMP part deux.

 

He's a giant, narcissistic, highly underhanded USER... I'm suspecting to the point of Personality Disordered, whether that be a permanent condition or just a temporary reactive condition still ongoing, courtesy of the fact he's still reeling from the past gross offense of being cheated on them dumped.

 

Stop being hard on yourself, Amanda. I'll say it again: The narcissistic type of personality disordered especially, are gobsmackingly virtuoso when it comes to conning. Gobsmackingly... and no exaggeration. Acts so convincing even the most savvy (but non-ill) are taken in. They even fool psychiatrists (for a while, anyway).

 

One of the psychiatric terms to describe them is this: "Never love any*thing* that cannot love you back". So uncontrollably compelled are they to con themselves against the nagging fear that they're utterly worthless (which is their preference to actually making themselves valuable for real because, of course, they lack the tools normally issued during childhood for doing so) that roping themselves in alone isn't nearly enough... hence in get dragged other people to help convince them (after being primed to want to do so). They KNOW that people would tell them the painful truth - even if merely by default of refusing/failing to do any licking of their *rses - unless they had something to lose by being truthful (objective), hence why they GIVE their feedbacker(s) something to lose...and then they get the subjective 'truth'.

 

But subjective truth by it's nature is never enough, never enough, never enough,.....

 

Love (or the illusion of it) is what they trade using. They make you need them by mimicking a man who truly, utterly, deeply, fervently needs *you*. And this they can do even IF they have to sit with their back to you for hours at a time, studying.

 

Know how you got sucked into a trial relationship with him in the first place? It must be because you *overreacted* following your last two unhealthy relationships - went however much consciously for the extreme opposite... or what merely APPEARED to be the opposite. But you judged by surface 'appearances'. Maybe he seemed quieter and more reserved than the others and that kidded you into believing he was different? He wasn't, he was the same BUT WORSE...the extremis, the exemplar... because those other exes were actually quite unsubtle about it. This one wasn't, he was furtive and stealthy and talented at the only art he's obsessively applied himself in.

 

You were probably still vulnerable and not firing on all cylinders, as well, courtesy of the still incomplete grieving and context-filing job. These types will always pounce on the vulnerable, the wounded and thereby more desirous or needy than normal.

 

Everyone is prey to this thinking: It'll never happen to *me*. Oh, yes, it will. It will if you're HUMAN AND HEALTHY. So his crime is NOT your shame any more than you would expect to be so down on yourself if, say, you were allergic to shellfish but through not having experienced that many varieties had thought the allergy was specific to prawns and crab yet not others like (this case) lobster. Well, now you know (we live and learn).

 

His crime on you is to your *credit*. (Read that again.)

 

So again - if all the use HE can make of a whole package Alpha gal like you (temporary vulnerability aside) is not to enhance the rest of his life but merely to wait for the rubberstamping on his "Aren't I so fecking GORGEOUS!' license before instantaneously discarding and running for good, what does that make HIM? Answer: SAD. VERY, .....VERY .....*SAD*. PA...THETIC. ACTUALLY BROKEN. Unable to partake of the greatest pleasure that life has to offer!... and worthy only of being trashed by Quality Control at any point along the conveyorbelt (if only there were such a thing!) ...or at the least (ref temporary/reactive) needing to be quarantined away from decent women for quite a number of years until he *ceases* spurting pus everywhere he looks and goes.

 

Don't think I haven't noticed your sudden failure to respond only to me (my earlier posting), Amanda. Despite technically very rude ("ec-tually ;-p"), all things considered where I'm concerned - I'm not so stupid as to take it personally...I do know that wanting to get stuck into long-overdue as well as renewed filing whilst you're feeling this cruddy, emotionally, feels like the LAST thing you want to do, compared even with sticking your own finger in your eye. But you have to strike whilst the iron is hot if you want that filing job to get done in record time. You've got all this extra emotion coursing through your veins which can quite easily be channeled to be enormously worthwhile energy towards becoming bulletproof, forevermore undupeable (whatever you want to call it), you see.

 

Use it or lose it. Worked for me and all those who've ever taken my advice, anyway. I was ready to get back onto the (this time healthy) horse in two piddly months!....as got me here in LovedUpHappyville (the real McCoy). Had I not - had I allowed myself to wallow for longer than a day or so thus allowed the massive energy (including the anger) to redirect inwards, I could have ended up depressed and lethargic as sin and useless in that respect for a good few years. Life's too short as it is, don't you think?

 

You can at least give it a bash, surely?....assuming you really *are* Little Miss Highly Hardworking-come-Triumph Over Adversity like you've claimed? ;-)

 

Suggest if filing per se is too much like hard work you at LEAST lay all the sheets out through which to start harvesting and amassing that motivational energy - specifically by writing a bulletpoint type list of every single discombobulation, jarring, confusion, contradiction, insult, offense and wounding by whatever degrees, etc., that he ever put on (or under) your side of that joint table.

 

xoxo

 

PS: Yes, he'll likely call. He'll call purely and simply because *you yourself ("strangely enough") aren't*.

[Roundthecorner]

Natters, you just made my day!

[Amandacast57]

Please everyone keep in mind that I am just expressing my feelings. I have not spoken to him since Monday and don't intend to. It is just nice to be able to talk and have a conversation. Makes me feel better Trust me, I'm not looking for anyone to say that he will come around and we will live happily ever after

 

Course he bailed on her - he's a user. He dupes women by hinting JUST ENOUGH that he's in the market for love/a relationship when always, always there's something *else* he wants from them which he knows they wouldn't provide him were he to be upfront with his request.

 

Her justification was that he is still mad at her (over a year later) for ending their relationship. The reason I know this, btw, is because she has been in conversation with a friend of mine. I try to brush off what she says because I'm sure she exaggerates too, seeing as though she "hates" me.

 

This girl and I don't like each other. The reason? One day I was at my ex's parents house. We were all hanging out by the pool. I was sitting at the table outside and his phone rang. I saw it was Melissa (that is her name). I didn't get mad because it was pretty early in our relationship and I wanted to give him time to inform these girls that he had a girlfriend. After she called the first time, she called again. Then texted. It said something like "You said we would stay in touch and we don't" blah blah. So I picked up his phone and said "Sorry, I am hanging out with my parents (didn't mention me). I will call you later". She kept on sending nasty messages about how my ex said they would stay friends but he never contacts her. Finally I said "Look, I'm spending time with my family and my girlfriend. I'm not going to step away to call. I will talk to you later". Yea, she didn't like that. She went off about how she didn't believe that he had a girlfriend and that no one would ever make him feel the way she did and that I must be some low life girl that could never compare to her. Oh and that no one would ever have the sex that they did. (This girl comes from a very wealthy family, has been given EVERYTHING she wants and attends an ivy league school. She thinks shes perfect). So with permission from my ex I said my peace. I responded "Hi, this is Amanda. I'd appreciate it if you would stop bad mouthing me. You don't know me. I don't mind my boyfriend talking to you as friends, but not when you belittle me as a person". And that was the end of the conversation.

 

So (and not that it matters) based on the texts I read on that day, it is hard to believe that my ex is chasing this girl, especially since she lives in another State.

 

This makes him a prostitute, frankly... albeit, where real prossies are after one more-acceptable thing - money - he's after distraction (for procrastination/self-betterment-avoidance purposes), validation (that he *is* as utterly wonderful and irresistible as he deeper down fears he's actually not, and/or that he doesn't deserve *any* of the blame for what was co-created and certainly not for what was instigated wholly by him as forced that co-creation), eeeeeet-cetera. See how he's just done that to this ex-gf?....."I'm interested in a reconciliation with you (not) ...so now tell me how god-like and blameless I am and be quick about it!". Oh, sure - she SAYS it's just revenge on you she's after... but she's a self-kidder, too!

 

Is he not capable of seeing that he needs help? I mean, I know it is hard to admit. When my ex ex broke up with me I started seeing a therapist. I remember crying to my mom one day about how pathetic I felt because I couldn't handle my s*** and needed someone to help me. But, he is never going to have anything meaningful if he doesn't accept that he needs to seek help.

 

She is VERY much a self-kidder. I think she is holding herself out for him. This girl has not dated anyone since they broke up and it has been well over a year since SHE ended it. She thinks it is funny that I'M getting played yet she is the one who thinks he cares because he actually texts her. Funny, he texted her when him and I broke up and so conveniently close to the time she would be coming home for break. She may be book smart but she certainly lacks common sense. But he wasn't trying to reconcile with her. I'm sure it was just a way of getting her to make him feel wanted and maybe get some sex too. I just find it odd that he no-showed with her but never cancelled on me.

 

He was obviously doing that to you, as well ...only, where it came to non-gullible, less-desperate you, far greater effort was required to get you duped into believing he was after Forever After with you!... HENCE all the over-concerted attempts on his part in the form of starting or manipulating or downright provoking talks about "your future life together". As soon as he got the rubberstamp from you and your 'department' as a whole (- that being Healthy, Functional, "Whole Package" Women) - BAM! - he no longer had any need of you.... hence you saw that unfold in motion (DUMP!).

 

Gosh, reading this just hurts. I really wanted to believe that he saw something with me. When we talked last Thursday and he told me that he had sat down and thought about us moving in together and although it would be easier financially, we couldn't do it for that reason, I thought about how he so easily moved in with the other girls he dated. And when we talked about that, he said how he ended up getting burned because these girls (who really weren't that stand up anyways) would cheat him out of money or would kick him out with no place to stay.

Course, he didn't manage to get the WHOLE stamp-imprint first time around. You seemed to NOT be as devastated as one who's been dumped by a god should be. Hence he needed you back for the missing portion.... before - DUMP part deux.

 

Again, I'd like to believe that us talking again was because he thought about it and realized he was "scared". BUT, it clearly is not that way.

 

He's a giant, narcissistic, highly underhanded USER... I'm suspecting to the point of Personality Disordered, whether that be a permanent condition or just a temporary reactive condition still ongoing, courtesy of the fact he's still reeling from the past gross offense of being cheated on them dumped.

 

Yep, he certainly thinks hes God's gift, when it comes to looks. But everything else, he knows he doesn't have much to offer. His comments are very materialistic. The other day he said "I'm not sure why everyone makes fun of the girls I have dated. One works on Wall Street, the other does something in D.C., another one does this". My response was that the girl who works on Wall Street is the girl I described above. Haha, her job doesn't make up for her delusional way of thinking. The girl who has a good job in D.C. has probably been with over 100 guys. Let's see...the fiance cheated, this other girl he dated that was a waitress attacked him and he dated some drug user as well. SO, a good job doesn't equal the entire package. This other girl that he contacts for attention is in pharmacy school. She seems really smart. But I've talked to her and it is literally like talking to a wall. She has no personality. I felt like he remained in contact with these girls while we were together, not because he wanted to cheat, but because how much easier would it be if I left him and he had someone or someone(S) there is ease the pain?

 

I look at my two friends who recently got married. He is a bartender and a nice steak restaurant and she works as a receptionist. Yes, most of society may not see that as a "high status" job, but they are both good people.

 

Regardless, I can't imagine asking someone to marry you and then them cheat on you. And I'm sure it is not "manly" for him to admit he needs to seek help for his current fears and feelings. But he is never going to be a healthy and happy individual until he makes that choice.

 

Stop being hard on yourself, Amanda. I'll say it again: The narcissistic type of personality disordered especially, are gobsmackingly virtuoso when it comes to conning. Gobsmackingly... and no exaggeration. Acts so convincing even the most savvy (but non-ill) are taken in. They even fool psychiatrists (for a while, anyway).

 

So I guess I just need to accept that he never cared about me and that none of the future talk was even real.

 

One of the psychiatric terms to describe them is this: "Never love any*thing* that cannot love you back". So uncontrollably compelled are they to con themselves against the nagging fear that they're utterly worthless (which is their preference to actually making themselves valuable for real because, of course, they lack the tools normally issued during childhood for doing so) that roping themselves in alone isn't nearly enough... hence in get dragged other people to help convince them (after being primed to want to do so). They KNOW that people would tell them the painful truth - even if merely by default of refusing/failing to do any licking of their *rses - unless they had something to lose by being truthful (objective), hence why they GIVE their feedbacker(s) something to lose...and then they get the subjective 'truth'.

 

I WAS truthful with him. I told him he wasn't going to play soccer professionally and he got mad. I've talked to him about the importance of networking and building a resume. I've told him the things he needs to do to move up in the professional world. And that is probably more than ANY of the girls EVER did. In fact, I'm pretty sure that is the case. I certainly don't want to "fix" his situation for him but I would have helped him and offered advice when he needed it.

 

Love (or the illusion of it) is what they trade using. They make you need them by mimicking a man who truly, utterly, deeply, fervently needs *you*. And this they can do even IF they have to sit with their back to you for hours at a time, studying.

 

I never felt needed by him. Anytime I said I wanted to help, he would tell me how he didn't need it. That he got this far with no one's help.

 

Know how you got sucked into a trial relationship with him in the first place? It must be because you *overreacted* following your last two unhealthy relationships - went however much consciously for the extreme opposite... or what merely APPEARED to be the opposite. But you judged by surface 'appearances'. Maybe he seemed quieter and more reserved than the others and that kidded you into believing he was different? He wasn't, he was the same BUT WORSE...the extremis, the exemplar... because those other exes were actually quite unsubtle about it. This one wasn't, he was furtive and stealthy and talented at the only art he's obsessively applied himself in.

 

Lol, I'm not sure if it was as dramatic as that. When we were set up, I wasn't THAT in to him. But the more we talked about ourselves and our lives, the more I liked about him. And I didn't like the "oh I want to get married" and "I want to have kids". I liked the small detail things like "I want to have a tomato plant in my backyard". Some may think "so what?". But to me that is special. I can't really describe it.

 

A trial relationship? Like he was testing me to see if it could work and then decided it wouldn't?

 

You were probably still vulnerable and not firing on all cylinders, as well, courtesy of the still incomplete grieving and context-filing job. These types will always pounce on the vulnerable, the wounded and thereby more desirous or needy than normal.

 

Yes, I was probably a bit vulnerable. But it had been 6 months since my break-up, so it wasn't like I had just gotten out of it.

 

So again - if all the use HE can make of a whole package Alpha gal like you (temporary vulnerability aside) is not to enhance the rest of his life but merely to wait for the rubberstamping on his "Aren't I so fecking GORGEOUS!' license before instantaneously discarding and running for good, what does that make HIM? Answer: SAD. VERY, .....VERY .....*SAD*. PA...THETIC. ACTUALLY BROKEN. Unable to partake of the greatest pleasure that life has to offer!... and worthy only of being trashed by Quality Control at any point along the conveyorbelt (if only there were such a thing!) ...or at the least (ref temporary/reactive) needing to be quarantined away from decent women for quite a number of years until he *ceases* spurting pus everywhere he looks and goes.

 

Is this a result of his broken engagement? I mean, he had to have been good enough to stay with her for 2 years and then ask her to marry him. He had told me that she wanted to work things out and even his mom had suggested the same. But he wouldn't.

 

Don't think I haven't noticed your sudden failure to respond only to me (my earlier posting), Amanda. Despite technically very rude ("ec-tually ;-p"), all things considered where I'm concerned - I'm not so stupid as to take it personally...I do know that wanting to get stuck into long-overdue as well as renewed filing whilst you're feeling this cruddy, emotionally, feels like the LAST thing you want to do, compared even with sticking your own finger in your eye. But you have to strike whilst the iron is hot if you want that filing job to get done in record time. You've got all this extra emotion coursing through your veins which can quite easily be channeled to be enormously worthwhile energy towards becoming bulletproof, forevermore undupeable (whatever you want to call it), you see.

 

Haha, responding to your posts takes me a while I've been pretty sick so its been hard to sit down and make it through a whole post.

 

But yes, part of me doesn't want to talk about how I feel because it sucks. Plus, I'm sure I'll have some people on here telling me how I shouldn't be wondering why this happened or wondering if it will change.

 

But how I feel?

 

Stupid. Because I feel like I should have known. How could I believe that he was really serious about me there not being any girls. Then my mind wonders if I ever meant anything to him. I must have right? Since I met his parents, etc. But in reality that doesn't mean anything. I wonder if he meant it when he said he loved me and was he serious when he, himself, brought up that he felt he was scared. I wonder if he will ever work himself out of this. I wonder if we could ever happily be together.

 

Then I'm bitter. For one, I stayed up with him last Friday while he was sick. He seemed so surprised that I did that. He said "No one has ever taken care of me when I was sick before". And here I am, sick as a dog, been out of work pretty much all week, and where was he? Certainly not taking care of me.

 

And then I wonder if he just thinks I'm going to call. I wonder if he thinks about me everyday like I think about him. I wonder if he thinks he has made a mistake or has thought "What am I doing?". But again, probably not.

 

Use it or lose it. Worked for me and all those who've ever taken my advice, anyway. I was ready to get back onto the (this time healthy) horse in two piddly months!....as got me here in LovedUpHappyville (the real McCoy). Had I not - had I allowed myself to wallow for longer than a day or so thus allowed the massive energy (including the anger) to redirect inwards, I could have ended up depressed and lethargic as sin and useless in that respect for a good few years. Life's too short as it is, don't you think?

 

I'm listening to every word you say. I'm ok. It's not like I'm SUPER upset. I cried pretty hard last night but that was a mix of feeling REALLY bad (fever, etc), watching something sad on tv, and then a small part thinking about how he doesn't care.

Suggest if filing per se is too much like hard work you at LEAST lay all the sheets out through which to start harvesting and amassing that motivational energy - specifically by writing a bulletpoint type list of every single discombobulation, jarring, confusion, contradiction, insult, offense and wounding by whatever degrees, etc., that he ever put on (or under) your side of that joint table.

 

I've thought about doing this. I just play it over and over in my head. Anytime I think "what if?", I remind myself of what he said to me and then what he said to the other girls. I don't have any urge to pick up the phone. My only fear is that I can't call B.S. if he ever tried to come back to me. I probably do not need to worry about that. I really feel like I didn't even matter to him at all.

 

PS: Yes, he'll likely call. He'll call purely and simply because *you yourself ("strangely enough") aren't*.

 

And say what? I'm sorry? I've been thinking about it and the way I treated you was unacceptable? I made a mistake? I mean, what could he really say that would change the situation?

[Nattersmatter]

(Sweet of you to say so, RTC. xoxo)

 

Amanda,

 

First off...

 

What was that?? Speak up??

 

PS: "Trust me, I'm not looking for anyone to say that he will come around and we will live happily ever after". That's lucky. Cos I'm not sure psychiatric residents are allowed access to the internet after 7pm? (smirk-LOL - sorry, couldn't resist!)

 

1. "After she called the first time, she called again"

 

HOW long after?

 

2. Did you not think you were taking huge (repeat - HUUUUUUUUUUGE) liberties helping yourself to his phone and assuming his identity like that? I mean, from what I can gather, it was without his permission, right? So did you confess later or did he assume the message he allowed you to respond to was her first ever in this timeframe or a one-off isolated message?

 

3. He *wouldn't* have been "chasing" her, just encouraging her either concertedly or via failure to dissuade or discourage. As I said - these types need the control-freak or rescuer (or both)... the sort of women who've been encouraged by society to enter the male hunting ground (commerce) and be gung-ho go-getters, and these women have failed to contain all such newly-habitual, manly attitudes and behaviour purely to the office. So it spills over into the mating ground where *men* are supposed to be the gung-ho go-getters and women the passive bird awaiting the impressive dance and laying of shiny things at their feet until suitably impressed (and confident/secure). And his "encouragement" would have been geared towards getting himself yet another adoring (and forever pining yet always primed for action) fan.

 

4. ...So you cut all this type of nonsense for a start: "I mean, what could he really say that would change the situation?" Surely you know by now there *is* no "changing" to be had? I mean - you gave him a full-blown second chance. YET THAT TEXT. THAT TEXT IS UNMISINTERPRETABLE!!!

 

Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on *me*. Why even entertain any more advances when there are sooooo many more fish in the sea (and most MILES nicer and more loveable (and LOVING) than him)? I mean, Amanda, do you REALLY NEED any more signs??!

 

If he tries to get back into your affections and you let him, you'll simply be saddling yourself with a chocolate teapot. Do you LIKE recurrently melting teapots? Do you even WANT tea or just like having messes to clear up all the time?

 

You're obviously still in part susceptible. So I suggest you right now BLOCK his numbers, email address, carrier pigeonhole, etc. *Now*. After all - there's still your front door, and only him bashing it hard enough to fell it would be reassurance enough that he'd learned his lesson and *wasn't* coming back purely to dupe you all over again. Right?

 

Being emotionally intelligent or emotionally thick as pig wotsit IS A CHOICE. Which do you choose to be? SO DO IT - NOW - BLOCK THE UGGER! Get RIGHT away and halve or even third your grieving workload.

 

No more "probablys".

 

5. "I look at my two friends who recently got married. He is a bartender and a nice steak restaurant and she works as a receptionist. Yes, most of society may not see that as a "high status" job, but they are both good people. "

 

I went from a multi-millionnaire with four successful IT companies to a Blue-collar worker..a French Bob-The-Builder (who can build literally *anything*). A REAL MAN.... like they *used* to make them. *He* is not so under-confident in his hand-to-mouth ability.... his ability to just go out and get work like That! [finger-snap] that he has to stockpile modernday meat in the corner of his cave, OH, NO. Not that he doesn't save; he does. But he isn't ANAL about it...neurotic... thin-skinned yet insensitive, chauvenistic, sexist, arrogant, unfair, etc.. Sooooooo refreshing! ...And an attitude that *permeates* every single pore of his. He ain't scared of NUFFINK! - be it animal, mineral or *emotional*...least of all me (mwa-ha-ha) (oy, I heard that.

 

I didn't barely have to lift a finger! I just smiled, clapped, went 'ooh, a pressie/more flowers, how lovely!' occasionally...and if ever (rarely) he stuffed up, I just quietly retreated a few tiny steps... went out... forgot (oopth) to ring him when arranged...that sort of thing. I kept my mouth shut and my feet all the room they needed. Meanwhile I was marking is performance out of ten to *uggery and holding up the odd opportunity-gifted hoop! After the first year, he said he'd never KNOWN a woman make him work so hard. I replied, 'Oh. Sorry.' (not, smirk). He said, 'Don't be - I've never enjoyed myself so much, either!'.

 

Hear that? That is from the horse's mouth.

 

Real, serious-issue-free men *love* to be made to earn something. See them gesture proudly at their car and house...the biggest two material purchases of their lives...AND THE MOST PRIZED...precisely *because* they had to toil and sweat and save for so long to get them! So the amount a man is made to work for something is directly proportionate to how valuable he views that object as being. Read that again!...and next time, wait to see if ***HE*** tells the woman who can't take It's Over and No for an answer to "do one"! In fact, such an incoming text probably won't exist in the first place.

 

Real men don't need to lilypad leap. If they have to spend time swimming in the cold lonely water between one ex-pad and the next, so be it. They're not scared of a bit of water or a hard swim towards something worthwhile.

 

Maybe that's the type you could try next time...someone too obviously *brave* as well as grown up???

 

6. "I really wanted to believe that he saw something with me".

 

Well, of course you did. How else could he have sucked you in....sucked you in even though - note! - your initial instincts had been telling you, 'Er.......thanks but NO'?

 

He *primed* you. Grabbed you ego-first. Spotted your greatest desires and Achilles Heel(s) and played up to them. That is precisely what had you deciding to give it a bash.

 

Whether or not you were a trial relationship I couldn't say for sure. But it doesn't look like it, does it. A wholehearted trial takes dedication of focus and concentration. How is keeping other adoring women in the wings, dedication? I mean - look at how DESPERATE that Melissa sounded. You think she's ACTUALLY insane enough to have worked herself up into such a lather without any help from him???? Come off it. He did to her what he did to you and this includes keeping just enough hope alive in these dumped women whereby they would obviously rather keep chasing that hope rather than fully face and fully feel the most uncomfortable psychophysiological sensation of them all: Grief.... major-major-major-MAJOR disappointment plus by whatever proportion an inability to understand...to join all the dots and make SENSE of what happened and how.

 

The quicker you face reality and explore and chart it, the quicker you'll get THROUGH that reality. If you sift through delusions, all you'll end up getting to is a pretend situation which thereby still doesn't make sense with all loose ends tied. And that is NOT "Recovery"...back to optimum functionality and attractiveness whereby you can attract another this-time-WORTHWHILE individual. You'll end up taking way longer to heal, possibly ten times as long (it happens), possible never. You'll be Mellissa!!!!! (- yeah - that got your attention?)

 

He's a "possibly never" type. He deals in delusions and tries to make sense, make reality out of delusions. He lives in La La Land where not even the bona fide, authenticated life rules work and gain him success. Look at his football aspirations and look at how he got *angry* at a truth he should have already long grasped himself, and NUFF SAID!!! ..La-La and a miniature-sized Tinky-Winky. ;-)

 

I blame the parents. And the parents' parents. And the parents' parents' parents.........(all the way to) SOCIETY! A society that amongst other ills has conditioned women to be men and men to be women (ye gods!) and to pass that down through the kids-kids-kids...and then everyone wonders why there are relationship problem forums galore, books galore, relationship coaches galore. Monkeys don't need these things. Nor do foxes. Nor, once, did we.

 

The mating dance is *not* this complicated. All you have to do is be true to yourself and your gender-based nature and the genetically-inherited memory (instinct) does the rest.

 

7. 1 year is not enough grieving time to make yourself no longer susceptible. Six months is twice as insufficient. Grieving (and if you never see the lover again, their death *is* what it is) takes *two* to five years. Two - unless you deliberately work extra hard and fast - gets you to where you can optimally function again with too little mental confusions and hang-ups to interfere, where you can be yourself so that chemistry and compatibility can be run auto-pilot like they're supposed to be.

 

Ignore your feelings and they will ignore you. You don't need feelings to work a mystery out. They're just feelings. Did you know Thirst and Hunger are emotions? Those ones you *can't* ignore (or you die). None of the others will make you die.

 

8. Me: "Love (or the illusion of it) is what they trade using. They make you need them by mimicking a man who truly, utterly, deeply, fervently needs *you*. And this they can do even IF they have to sit with their back to you for hours at a time, studying.

You: I never felt needed by him. Anytime I said I wanted to help, he would tell me how he didn't need it. That he got this far with no one's help."

 

I didn't mean needed in that sense. You should NEVER *need* someone. You should need them only because you love them and need to KEEP loving them and be loved by them. That kind of need. Being ready to pairbond is about having taken such good care of yourself that your contented-enough life is running itself, you don't NEED to put your caring urge into yourself any more, hence - you have to direct it to someone else....and they to you....*sharing*. It's Swapsies: "I'll care for you and you care for me;... Your problems are my problems, my problems are your problems; your joys are my joys, my joys are your joys....."

 

Would you share a third- or half-cooked prawn curry with someone?... or would you expect them to end up ill.

 

9. This doesn't make a blind bit of sense:

 

"Is this a result of his broken engagement? I mean, he had to have been good enough to stay with her for 2 years and then ask her to marry him. He had told me that she wanted to work things out and even his mom had suggested the same. But he wouldn't."

 

First off, she might just have been slow to smell the coffee and over-tolerant (and a self-blamer and used to fixing everything so why not the relationship), etc. Secondly, if you feel so strongly towards someone that you propose staying exclusively with that one person until the day you or she die, how can you go from 200mph to 0mph (as represents not wanting to work out one or more mere problems)? Anyway, it TAKES a good two years to get a good enough measure of someone to be sure enough you're making a good decision based on sound judgement. (PASSING the 2yr milestone (assuming the relationship was normal and healthy including its rate and pace) is a cause for celebration (an' no' a lo' of people know that).) So even assuming that relationship had been normal (pff), what does it say about him if he allowed his mere PRIDE to chuck all that investment in??? Are you going to ditch your by-then-what-feels-as-important-as "oxygen" for the sake of your mere pride? PFFFFFFF... only if you didn't ever genuinely love them... in which case what had been his motivation for proposing to her??!! See?

 

9. "How could I believe that he was really serious about me there not being any girls."

 

Jeez already! Amanda, have you never found yourself seriously moved to tears by any actor or actress?

 

Oh, wait - yes, you have: "I cried pretty hard last night but that was a mix of feeling REALLY bad (fever, etc), watching something sad on tv"

 

We're empathetic - towards other people - who's behaviour, even when contrived can trigger it (you yawn, s/he yawns). That's how. Again - *to your credit*.

 

10. DO be bitter. Bitter/Resentful ist gut. Angry ist gut. Those are engine turbos (if you let them be).

 

11. If he does think about you, it's probably more this: "HAH! (Neeext sucker?!)" or "Poor *me* again - the whole world is against me...cos *I* didn't do *anything*, everyone's just hell-bent on being *mean* to me..."

 

12. "I'm listening to every word you say."

 

Are ya??? Oh, NO - *that's* what RTC was talking about!!! (Note to self: use the loo next time you need to fart.)

 

(LOL, sorry again)

 

13. Don't just think about doing it - do it. And not in your head. Get it on paper so you can SEE...and so that it's largely OUT of your head.

 

14. "I mean, what could he really say that would change the situation?"

 

"I have an identical-twin brother who's perfectly normal and healthy who's DYING to meet you!"

 

(LOL - *not* sorry)

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

How are you doing, Amanda? xoxo

[Amandacast57]

How are you doing, Amanda? xoxo

 

I'm good. Trying to FINALLY get over this sickness.

[Amandacast57]

Update - for those of you who want to tell me I'm being retarded

 

After I was informed of that text and we got into the argument, I didn't make an effort to get in touch with him. Plus, I was VERY sick all week and pretty bitter about the fact that I had stayed up with him that Friday night while he was throwing up and here I was, all alone and sick, with no one to take care of me. I'm in bed last Friday, watching tv and my phone goes off that I had an email. Obviously, I didn't think it would EVER be him, since he has my number. Why would he email? Well it was. He had sent me an apology, saying that he didn't want to hurt me and that he knew he had. He said he questioned his decision to break up with me very frequently and felt like he was making bad choices based on his past hurt. He said he didn't know what he could do to make it up to me or to make me feel better. So (and I'm sure I'll get bashed for this) I told him that he could take care of me, that I was sick and he very much owed me. He said he would love to.

 

So last Friday, I went to his house and made him rub my back, make me tea, throw away my snotty tissues and basically wait on me hand and foot. Which I LOVED - giving orders, him taking them. We discussed his "relationship" with other girls. He told me that he felt like he was on a mission to get back at the girls who dissed him. So when his ex, Melissa, made plans with him, he purposely accepted and didn't show up because that was what she did to him. I was not aware of this but the girl he texted that I found out about, she had invited him (before he met me) to come up to her work and have a drink with her when she got off. He did and then she ended up leaving him to go see another guy. So he was trying to "get back at her". I confronted him about him talking negatively about me to his ex Melissa. He showed me the text messages between them and he said I was being nuts....about wanting to move so quickly in our relationship. It was in fact, Melissa, who was doing all the bad mouthing in regards to me. Then Sara. I confronted him about what she had told me. He said that Sara had never made it known the entire time that he had known her that she was involved with someone else. And when I talked to her I did ask her what was up with her calling late and she said it was because she was drunk and she was so sorry for doing it.

 

Anyways my response to his "revenge" on girls was that the girls that hurt him do not even think about him, care about him or wonder how their behavior and actions hurt him to the depth it has. And that if he continued down this path, he would never be happy. Before he knew it, he would be old and alone because he couldn't move past the hurt and pain. He told me that he saw me and his fiance as very similar people and even though things were good between us too, things were good between them as well, until she cheated.

 

He asked me to stay with him Saturday night and Sunday night. Mind you, we DID NOT have sex and I told him that we would not. The whole weekend was spent with us talking and him taking care of me/making me dinner/etc. He made a comment that "he didn't want to share me with anyone else". He talked to me about the things in our relationship that bothered him. Those were me going through his phone and me not respecting the fact that he likes to watch his Michigan football games and had done so for so long. I listened and then he said that so many guys who kill to have someone look at them the way I look at him. BUT, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS NICE TO HEAR HIM SAY THESE THINGS, IT DIDN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT WE WEREN'T TOGETHER. So, I listened and that was about the extent of it.

 

He left Monday morning to go to work. When he told me bye, he had said that he had made extra coffee for me, that I didn't have to drink it if I didn't want to, but would I please turn it off. I got ready, made his bed and left.

 

I think we made some small talk that day, all initiated by him. I haven't made any effort to carry on a conversation. While I was getting my hair cut, he sent me a text telling me how he had talked to Sara and told her that he wanted to apologize for the way he acted when he was in a relationship with me and that it would not be a good idea for them to pursue any type of relationship. I confirmed this with Sara. At 9:30pm Monday night, he texted me and said "Hey, thanks for making the bed We made some more small talk and then I went to bed.

 

Tuesday we chatted a little bit. Wednesday morning he woke me up with a good morning text telling me that he played a soccer game with his friend the night before. We chatted some more. During our conversation, he sent a text listing out everything he liked about me and that he didn't want me to think that he didn't see that I would make a great wife and to not think it wasn't something he wanted. Then he said "I explained I don't like to let folks down. And I feel I am or will or was letting you down. You said you didn't feel that way but it was about how I felt. And yes I think we moved a little fast but by no means do I want to just throw my hands up, say peace and hope someone else comes into my life that has so many of the things I've learned I want from a woman". Again, I listened, but I didn't play in to it. Sorry, but if he is actually sincere, he will have to do A LOT more than send a few texts saying what he did and telling one girl he doesn't want anything from her.

 

He again texted me last night after class to tell me good night.

 

Today I was at work and again, he was making conversation with me. He sent me a text telling me how the apartment complex he is moving in to at the end of December messed up and the apartment he looked at and paid for is not available. So he wanted my advice on what he should do or ask for to make up for it. I suggested asking for a free month or to get his deposit back. He said he thought he was going to ask for a 2 bedroom for the price of a one bedroom with a garage and he would agree to a 2 year lease. I said that sounds fine as long as you are ok with staying there for 2 years. He said "I am. Plus a two bedroom leaves other options ".

 

Obviously, I know what he means by that. He, ON HIS OWN AND OUT OF NO WHERE, is bringing up me living together. My response was "Haha, yea right. Options like what?". He said "Well if you can't figure it out then I'm not going to tell you". I said "I can figure it out which is why I said yea right. I think that is a pretty bold statement for you and I won't hold my breath". About 30 minutes later, my phone starts ringing. It is him. I answer and he tells me what they ended up agreeing on and says that he thinks it is weird how things happened this way and how they much have happened for a reason. I just listened told him I was happy for him and we got off the phone.

 

 

So that is my update.

[Ms Darcy]

My thoughts are - if you want a real relationship that can lead to marriage, you are wasting your time here.

[FreedomRing]

My thoughts are - if you want a real relationship that can lead to marriage, you are wasting your time here.

 

I have been following this thread, and figured he would pop back in with this kind of 'redemption'. I agree 10000% with ms. Darcy. This guy just isn't the one...way too much game playing.

[Amandacast57]

Trust me, this doesn't change anything. In fact, it kind of makes me mad. Why does he think it is ok for him to hint at us living together when we aren't even dating? Sorry, I don't buy it, which is why I said "yea right". Why would I hold on to that when he can't even make a full commitment to me?

 

I'm not sure if there is anything he could really do to regain my FULL trust. How would I ever know that he was serious?

[FreedomRing]

Exactly. But to even entertain him with the texts and going over there, etc, is futile then. Nc all the way...why waste time if you really believe he's not the one? A man that plays games with that many women, and rationalizes it with 'karma' or *** for tat crap(which I still wouldn't believe) is very childish. Don't fool yourself into thinking you are different from the rest...he played you too...you just caught him.

[Amandacast57]

I know.

 

I don't even understand how he was engaged before. I see a lot of his behaviors similar to those of a sociopath but then I wonder, how he could make the decision to want to spend the rest of his life with that one person.

[calichick007]

I really hope you aren't buying his crap about all those other girls. This guy is a jerk.

[Amandacast57]

I really hope you aren't buying his crap about all those other girls. This guy is a jerk.

 

Oh no. It is weird how my attitude has changed. Saturday night when I was laying in bed with him, I found myself wondering if I even wanted this anymore. I'm sure he has felt that vibe and that is why he is doing ridiculous things like talking about us living together when we aren't even together.

 

I'm a forgiving person and I believe people can change HOWEVER, I'm smart enough that telling ONE girl that he doesn't want anything from her and that he was wrong or him talking about us living together when we aren't even in a relationship isn't proof of someone changing. Making the change is when you consistently do positive things and do them because you MEAN them, not because the thought of losing someone scares you.

 

I don't see him making plans to stop playing soccer. I don't see him making the effort to complete certification classes for his career or building his Linkedin account/resume, etc.

 

At the end of the day, the "don't have time" crap isn't gong to work on me. When he tells me he doesn't have time because he made plans with his buddy to watch football, that is not having time. Because someone in a relationship who wants to spend time with the person they love, doesn't have a problem with his girl watching football with him and his buddy. Especially when I know more about football than he does. He says he doesn't have time because it is his mom's birthday today and he needs to spend time with her. Again, people in relationships include their SO in celebrations like that.

[Ms Darcy]

In order to move on from him, I would recommend ending contact. It's harder to move on with exes in the picture.

[RGS]

ditto the above, i'm pretty sure if i was still in contact with my ex he'd be playing similar games because, like your ex, he doesnt know what he wants hence the hot and cold. I cut contact because the 4 weeks we were in touch set me back whereas now i feel level headed again!

 

I bet your bottom dollar if you said great let's move in together he would run for the hills!!

[Amandacast57]

I bet your bottom dollar if you said great let's move in together he would run for the hills!!

 

Haha, well first, that suggestion wouldn't be made and second, I find it hilarious I'm the first girl he didn't jump into living with.

[Nattersmatter]

You can 'ha-ha' all you like, Amanda, but I don't think you actually grasp WHY these boardies are saying, forget it!

 

Allow me to once again dissect the situation and its entire contents, and within a frame of reference called NORMAL & HEALTHY... Oh, and AUTHENTIC.

 

 

 

1. You initiating an opportunity for he and you to get together is not you "not making an effort". It is you making an effort.

 

2. You playing Mohammad to his mountain even when you're the sick one (making you the mega-mountain) is not you "not making an effort". It is you making an effort. A BIG effort. It is you MAKING *HIS* EFFORT *FOR* HIM!

 

Do you know what you saying you loved giving him orders and seeing him take them is tantamount to? This: "I love that I got to sit there under his restaurant table collecting up any crumbs he dropped as he alone ate the restaurant meal-for-one!".

 

3. Never MIND asking why he sent an email, as in, rather than a text to your phone like he usually would. WHY DIDN'T HE PHONE?! And don't give me the usual about you not liking the phone. I'm sure at *this* stage you would!

 

He obviously sent an email because a text wouldn't suffice where soft-soaping and giving you flannel was concerned. He obviously didn't phone BECAUSE HE'S A COWARD who doesn't want to be told to Do One, live, in real time, or put in a position where he'd have to answer difficult questions...questions which you AT THAT POINT when you still felt you had nothing to lose might have felt bold enough to outright ask! (Note he evidently expected such a reaction, though - hence just another form of *texting*!)

 

By sending an alternative form of text yet still a text in this climate of yours, the subliminal message is clear: Careful what you say because note I'm ALREADY reluctant to get optimally close-up to you as such a conversation actually should warrant!

 

4. Apology is as apology *does* - including saving someone who is ill the effort of having to be the one to go to the other's house!! Anything less is HOT AIR.

 

5. Saying he's questionING his decision is not the same as saying he's questionED it and thereby realised he's made a mistake and needs to reverse it. Saying he's questionING is known as a *carrot*: "Come see if you can tip me over the For/Against indecisions edge into For, why doncha?".

 

And if he hasn't yet come to a decision, WHY THE BEEPING BEEP WAS HE CONTACTING YOU AT ALL!!!

 

Because you're too easily played, Amanda. So he knows it's worth a try! Too easily played....and I haven't even finished yet, I'm only into the first beeping paragraph(!!!).

 

6. He knows *PRECISELY* what to do to make it up to you and make you feel better, ACTUALLY!!!! Do you deny that he does?

 

 

 

He said, he said, HE *SAID*. He's a giant liar, we've established that! It should be actions and actions alone that you're judging now! In fact, it should be actions alone that you're REPORTING now.

 

Oh, you can say as much as you like that you're just relaying what went on. But I can hear you. You BELIEVE IT or at the very least want to.

 

 

 

Wanting to move quickly in a relationship although may be many things, is not "nuts". This explanation is TOSH!

 

 

 

Yeah, sure it was. *Must* be... cos he *said* so. (Ye gods!)

 

 

 

Oh, so, if him being so concerned with trying to get petty, childish revenge rather than concentrating on you and his relationship with you and thereby unconcerned with anything else less trivial is so damn acceptable, let alone sensible for a man trying to forge a new relationship, by that reasoning - shouldn't you be right now trying to get revenge on him?!

 

 

 

Never mind them. ****HIM!**** HE is the one whose behaviour you should be focusing on, and his alone. And I agree completely with everyone else here - this behaviour, this ATTITUDE of his is more what you'd expect from a five-year-old child!

 

Do you think it's your job to teach him, a supposedly grown adult, how to think and behave at his time of life, Amanda?! No. It's *his* job...and you either find yourself wowed by it enough to agree to keep him in your life or you decide he's a PRAT and reject him. Berbom! You don't start coaching him like he's bleedin' Rainman or as if he even needs any coaching rather than is simply feeding you BS justifications in the hope that your maternal urge at least will respond to all the childish mewling rather than being kicked to the curb by you like he deserves!

 

If he doesn't know how to behave even *remotely* like a man in his 30s, HE IS A *DUD*, PURE AND SIMPLE!

 

 

 

I don't care if he knocked you up a new bleedin' walk-in wardrobe! How manly-heroic and needed do you think he got to feel by playing your carer? How much better for having had constant weekend company do you think he got to feel as opposed to zero company all on his lonesome?? Those things are each a privilege...a perk as belongs TO A BOYFRIEND (not to mention one who's doing the actual work contained within that role - including putting himself into as equally a vulnerable position as the other partner - as earns thus deserves such perks!). He is NOT your boyfriend, he broke up with you (with zero warning) then failed to ask you to forgive him his error and take him back on at least the same or better yet higher footing and still hasn't! Yet here you are giving him all the perks despite patting yourself on the back just because you withheld *one* - specifically, sex.

 

Have you forgotten that you only recently described how for a long while he hasn't even given you any indication that he's particularly bothered about whether or not he gets any sex??? Just as well I haven't, eh!

 

 

 

Again - getting to share you or NOT share you with anyone else is a choice only a BOYFRIEND gets to decide over! Who the BEEPING-BEEPETY-BEEP does this [cough!] man think he is????!!!

 

I'll tell you - he's a power-crazed despot and narcissist with a gargantuanly overblown sense of entitlement and a huge disdain for anyone whom isn't *him*, to suit!

 

And you find this man attractive? Do you need your head tested, Amanda? Are you a picnic short of a picnic? Do you even appreciate why I'm asking you that?

 

 

 

Oh, yeah? Ask me which I'd prefer between being played to the hilt whilst having my heart and ego trampled on for months and months by some guy or on one single occasion having my phone examined... go on!?

 

My husband is free to look in every single nook and cranny of my phone - and with my blessing - any damn time he likes, and was even when he was still my boyfriend! Coo.... could that be because I always had zero to hide, do you think? And do you think the fact he long ago ceased bothering could have anything to do with the fact I never, ever gave him any cause for suspicion whatsoever in any area? Trustworthy is as Trustworthy *does* and Trusting is as Trusting *does*.

 

 

 

THEN HE CAN STAY SINGLE IF BEHAVING LIKE HE'S STILL SINGLE, I.E. WITHOUT ANY CALL FOR HAVING TO COMPROMISE WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, NOT EVEN WITH SOMEONE PURPORTEDLY SPECIAL, IS WHAT HE "LIKES", YEH?!!!!

 

Tell me, Amanda, how is a total unwillingness to compromise - of which this particular attitude is but one demonstration - something that can be even remotely called Respectful?...respectful of the relationship you at that point hold with someone and especially towards the individual herself??

 

He dares utter the expectation over receipt of respect?....this [cough!] "man" who is not just lacking in respect but, worse - is DIS-respectful?...and GROSSLY SO???

 

This so-called man is disgusting with a capital D! I think you'll find this so-called man, Amanda, is the one who is the retard! And by continuing to associate with him as if he were still your boyfriend, you are being a retard by association, yes.

 

 

 

Again, you were still THERE as you listened, though, weren't you!

 

 

 

Whoopie-doo...food, ...tissues ...and coffee!

 

 

 

Whoopie-doo.... small talk on top! (Be still my beating heart!!)

 

 

 

And neither have you made the effort NOT to!

 

 

 

(Whoopie-doo!)

 

What - no mere email for Sara???

 

 

 

He may as well tell you he's knitting a damn astronaut suit when he doesn't even have a rocket and has no INTENTION of getting a rocket!

 

Again - note he's not saying what he DOES want, just what he doesn't *not* want! And - 'it'? 'IT'??? Surely that should be 'you' or, even better, 'you as my future wife'? PFFFF.

 

 

 

What, like he's still doing right now, you mean? Cos you want a proper BOYFRIEND, don't you? You want [ugh] *him* to be your proper boyfriend, don't you? Is he? NO. So how come he's not making clear to you he wants to be your proper boyfriend in his quest not to do the thing he so hates doing called "letting you down"? PFFFFFF. What a load of utter, utter BS!

 

 

 

Oh, really, Amanda? You told him you *didn't* feel like he was letting you down? Pray tell - why on earth would you have said that when this whole thread has been about how this [ugh] THING has constantly been letting you down???

 

 

 

*YESSSS*. But he's not GOING to. Because he doesn't HAVE to. All HE has to do is send an email full of hot-air apology and vague open-to-interpretation hints that you obviously interpret as positive and - per-CHOO!...you're there!!!

 

 

 

Great. So he gets all the perks of a boyfriend that HE values whilst not having to call himself your boyfriend nor behave like a boyfriend nor be obliged and beholden to you like a boyfriend would? Great. How cake and eat it for him. Cos, of course, *not* being your boyfriend, it's impossible for him to CHEAT on you, isn't it, no matter HOW many other (new) women he cavorts with in person or by text, email, phone, whatever... And, of course, should someone he deems *better* for him comes along - HE CAN'T "DUMP" YOU EITHER!... because, of course, you have to be a GIRLFRIEND to be dumped. A non-girlfriend you can at worst just fade out on and at best see only when suits YOU (whilst throwing textual crumbs).

 

Tell me, Amanda. What do *you* get out of this deal?

 

 

 

Yeah, Amanda.... Me, I've been planning, as you know, to fly to the moon. Unfortunately, the spaceship I had lined up fell threw. Tsk-Awww... I know... b*mmer, eh? Anyway...Despite the fact that (allegedly) having had the intention enough to (allegedly) put the wheels of getting the first spaceship lined up in motion goes a heck of a way towards suggesting I knew perfectly well how to go about getting a spaceship for flying to the moon, let me now just spend minutes asking you what you think I should do to remedy my need for another spaceship so that by appearing to treat it seriously you are accordingly left with the impression that I was always serious about it and still am. That okay with you, yeh? Oh, and let me just mention the fact that this future replacement spaceship has TWO seats without pointing out what that means in my mind, thereby leaving *you* to conclude what simply suits your need to believe, i.e. that the extra seat is for *you* rather than somebody else by then, yeh?

 

Here, Amanda - lend me a £100,000 towards my space trip, will ya?

 

 

 

As I've just shown, "Plus a two bedroom offers other options" is not nearly the same as saying, "Plus a two bedroom offers you and I the option of living together".

 

If he's so damned confident that he wants you as his future wife then how come he doesn't have the confidence to just come out and SAY IT STRAIGHT? How come he's not confident enough to even ask to be your proper BOYFRIEND again? How the hell does he expect you and he to progress from non-boyfriend-girlfriend to being husband and wife or even common-law/de-facto? Somewhere Specific from Nowhere???

 

Furthermore, is a second bedroom even necessary if you and he are living together? Surely you and he would be sharing one bedroom??? (That's a Gotcha)

 

See? It's BS.

 

 

 

Precisely! Yet to *us - here* you're saying (and in capitals), "He, ON HIS OWN AND OUT OF NO WHERE, is bringing up me living together". So which is it, Amanda - Yeah-right or Oooh-Lookie!! ?

 

 

 

Oh, really? How convenient. I think you'll find if a man wants to live with or marry someone enough to voice it yet finds she's not biting, he tends to revert to spelling it out rather than be left romantically thwarted!!!

 

 

 

And yet, again, on here you're saying, He wants to live with me and is the one bringing it up. You *don't* disbelieve him, do you. You half disbelieve him and half believe him. Would you say that's a fair statement in view of the evidence?

 

 

 

Agreeing on WHAT?

 

 

Too easily played, Amanda.

 

*Why* are you allowing yourself to so easily be played???

 

xoxo

 

 

PS: In what WAY is it hilarious the fact you're the first girl he didn't jump into living with?

[Amandacast57]

I understand what you are saying. No, I don't sit here and believe that he truly has intentions of living with me. Even if he did, I find it very disrespectful that he 1. Thinks that he can even bring that up and 2. What are we supposed to do? Go from being broken up straight to living together? NO THANKS!

 

I'm not stupid. Please don't think that me posting an updated situation is me so gulable to believe that it changes anything. Ok, so I DID make an effort when I went to his house. But I didn't see it like that. It's not like I was totally smitten by being in his presence. I wanted company while being sick and that is about it. Like I posted above, I laid in his bad Saturday night and found myself thinking "I'm not sure if this is something I want anymore". I could be sitting here too saying "well natters told me that if he picked up the phone and called me that that meant something and he picked up the phone and called me on Thursday" or " natters told me if he started talking to me at night then that meant something. And he contacted me 3 nights this week". SO WHAT?!? I DON'T CARE. IT MEANS NOTHING.

 

And again, I'm not stupid. Sure, he's saying all these things he likes about me or that he doesn't want to say peace and hope someone comes in to his life that has all the things he wants. Those are WORDS! Where are the CONSISTENT actions? Oh, they aren't there, so I don't even think about it.

 

Maybe he should think about who he is dealing with too. I meant it when I said "I won't hold my breath" in regards to living together (for clarification, we talked about getting a 2 bedroom so I wouldn't have to put my furniture in storage and when he called to say they agreed on something, that was in regards to him and the apartment complex working out the problem). In fact, I'm MAD that he brought it up. I couldn't believe it. That was what the capital letters were for. It wasn't like we were talking about living together as I have ceased talking about anything future related. It was totally out of. O where which was what I was trying to stress and confused about. Why say that when we weren't even talking about it and most importantly, NOT TOGETHER!!!!

 

Sara texted me the conversation she had with him on Monday. Part of the text read "trust me, I question my decision to break up with her more often than I care to admit. It kind of eats at me actually, because she is such a fantastic catch". Awwww is that sweet? No, it's not. Doesn't change anything so eat away.

 

His actions are only hurting HIM. Because if he truly regrets his decision, it would be in his best interest to cut ties, work out his life and then make a 200% effort to get me back. But this telling me a bunch of crap, maybe 25% of the time making an effort with his actions and so on, is only creating resentment in me that I can't go back on.

[Nattersmatter]

AND HERE IT IS!!!...

 

No, I don't sit here and believe that he truly has intentions of living with me.

 

Compare:

 

No, I don't sit here and believe that he has intentions of living with me.

 

*EQUALS* Translation: I do not sit here FULLY believing he has intentions of living with me.

*EQUALS* I do not sit here FULLY disbelieving his stated intentions of living with me.

 

Gotcha! See what I'm saying now?

 

Furthermore, there *is* no "even if he did". He.... does..... NOT-NOT-*NOT* or he'd be doing the walk-walk-WALK. Or what?... now we're to believe that a man who wants to go to the shop walks in the opposite direction to the shop????

 

Additionally, I've just spelled out (yet more of) the subtle yet highly definitive evidence of the fact he's not genuine - over this specific topic or *anything* he claims to be genuine over...and yet here you are, half the time *arguing*.... half-arguing with *logic*. So this isn't a case of me *thinking* X, Amanda. This is me *SHOWING* X.

 

You are going to have to reconcile the two sides of you that aren't in agreement when it comes to disbelief over his being in any way genuine. I.e. Abandon All Hope. Until you do, no matter what you say or think you think, you are going to be dupeable... in the same way as had you trotting over to *his* place without even stopping to think... like some sleepwalker, 'Hang on a minute?!... Why isn't he the one coming over to my house?!!!'. You are going to continue *behaving* like someone who is stupid behaves, and I'm going to be the one constantly pointing your contradictory behaviour out to you (rather than you doing so *before* you even act).

 

Capiche?

 

What I'm saying is: *half* of you absolutely *is* stupid. Guess which half, go on?

 

In the meantime, I'll make you a deal: I'll cease believing your arse is smothered in chocolate once you can sit on a seat without leaving behind a chocolate bum-print. Fairenoughski?

 

Now repeat after me, a woman with self-respect and dignity and nothing to make me prepared to compromise them:

 

No requested Boyfriend title? NO BOYFRIEND PERKS.

Requested Boyfriend title but no consistent and sustained Proper Boyfriend work? NO BOYFRIEND PERKS.

 

(And FYI, it's not just about what he does but WHEN IT'S APPROPRIATE OR DOWNRIGHT WARRANTED TO DO SO VERSUS WHEN IT'S NOT, AKA *CONTEXTS* - which obviously you already do understand (yet which strangely didn't stop you from giving him perks, regardless)).

 

And I don't care WHAT side-need you happen to have at the time which has you prepared to prostitute your dignity and subsequent self-respect level over!

 

He knows PRECISELY what to do to make himself deserving of any boyfriendly perks. And he is NOT YOUR FRIEND so he doesn't get friendship perks, either!

 

In other words: yes, there were parts you responded appropriately to but OVERALL - i.e. by DEM *ACTIONS* - you cancelled them all out and ended up scoring 0 out of 10. Sorry. You gotta watch those *actions-actions-ACTIONS* - yours *as well as* his - and (where this 'thing' is concerned at this late stage) nothing else!

 

So!....

 

I think you're a fantastic catch is as I think you're a fantastic catch *does-does-DOES*.

 

...in which case, he evidently - repeat, EVIDENTLY - does *not* regret his decision. He just made out he does because it served his agenda where now duping her as well as you is concerned. So the only one up for getting hurt is you. So stop feeding yourself excuses like, he's the only one hurting himself, just to give yourself a salvaging sense of pride and power. They're false. YOU *HAVE* NO POWER. Because you're yielding it all to him.

 

Kick the dud to the kerb. If he wishes to *cease* being a dud and *cease* laying on that kerb (assuming he even has it IN him) - he knows precisely what to do/cease doing and when and how and how much.

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

I definitely just caught him driving by my house