Why would he do this?

[calichick007]

I also notice that you cling to thoughts like, "Well, I do think he likes me," or "He says he cares." I think he does. But you've got to wrap your brain around the distinction between (1) someone liking you/caring about you and (2) someone liking you/caring about you ENOUGH to commit to you, commit to the relationship, and fully commit to the notion of making things work. I've met plenty of guys who liked me, and plenty who cared about me. But very few who cared ENOUGH to voluntarily put both feet in the thing and give 100%. It's such an important distinction, and you deserve the latter.

[Amandacast57]

I really don't think it is another female. I think it is a matter of keeping me there when/if he is ready to commit. He knows he has someone that is loyal, intelligent, caring, sweet, attractive and overall, a good person. But yes, he doesn't want me, but wants to make sure he says and does what he can to keep me waiting around until he is ready.

 

I don't even know why I get worked up by anything he says. Starting this morning he feels threatened and acts jealous at the fact that I could have potentially been out with someone else. So what does he do? He tells me that he wants to take a step back. So of course, I want to know what he means by that. And at first the whole, I'm not ready for living together, engagement, marriage and I felt like that was where this is going. Ok, I get it. I knew that I was too pushy. I'm willing to take a step back. So I want more information on his expectations. What exactly does taking a step back mean? And here I am, thinking that it means we will be a couple and work and grow TOGETHER, when in turn he is suggesting not being together, but remaining loyal and into each other (um, again, WHAT?!?). He insists that he is scared to lose me but that there is this HUGE, SIGNIFICANT thing that is supposed to happen to his life. Which, side note, can anyone try to explain this to me? Has anyone ever known someone to think/act this way, like one day they are going to wake up and this awesome thing is going to magically happen in their life?

 

WHAT KIND OF DELUSIONAL crap is that?!?!? How many people on this board would like to do something else than what they are doing now. I'm happy with my job but I'd love to make more money so I could do other things. I'd love a promotion right now. I'd love to buy a house. I'd love a lot of things. But to sit around and TALK about how your life should be different and not actually doing anything about it....that is CRAP! And to top it off, he says that he can't even put his finger on what exactly he should be doing. Again, WHAT?!? How can even talk about this big thing he should be doing when he has no clue what it is? Then what exactly are you working towards?

 

And as much as most of ya'll think I don't see it, I see the problems with his behavior. The fact that he broke up with me because life got a little too "hard" for him? How does he expect a marriage to work? Am I going to be served divorce papers if he loses his job or if the kids start acting up? And what happens if he decided he wants to get married, we did, had kids and then one day he wakes up and says "I think I'm supposed to be doing something different with my life"?

 

A REAL relationship means working as a team. It means providing support and being there. It means not giving up. It means appreciating what you have. So instead of him TELLING me how he doesn't want to lose me, things I'm great, etc. etc etc blah blah blah, he learns to balance life, work, family and me like most people do. Because if you want something in your life, you do what you can to keep it there.

 

I DO struggle with this A LOT and I try to stay strong. I wonder if I just let things play out like spending some time with him here and there, letting him do his own thing, me do my own thing (meaning going out with other people like I am Monday night), that things will work out. I wonder how much he REALLY is struggling with the fact that he wants to be different, a better person, a provider. Trust me, I've gotten every possible reason from everyone. My co-worker thinks he feels like he isn't good enough for me. So why enter into something with me and later down the road, me leave because he doesn't make a lot of money or I meet someone better. Some people tell me that he is scared. Others tell me he thinks his life is over after a long term commitment. A lot of me feels like he isn't going to change.

 

I feel like his insecurities really come through. I think he likes these manipulative games because he is insecure. He doesn't feel good enough. He doesn't think he is special.

 

What he is failing to see is I knew how much money he made and what he did and his "situation" before we made it official. I was still stayed!!! I wasn't in it because of the money or the status. I was in it because he treated me right. I don't need a man to take care of me. I liked him just fine, the way he was.

[mhowe]

You keep missing --- he doesn't want "a full blown relationship".

[Amandacast57]

You keep missing --- he doesn't want "a full blown relationship".

 

Full blown?

[mhowe]

He wants to date. He doesn't want to make life plans with you -- moving in, marriage --- etc.

[Amandacast57]

He wants to date. He doesn't want to make life plans with you -- moving in, marriage --- etc.

 

Yea, but date just me or other people.

 

This morning I told him he was crazy if he thought I believed his wasn't talking to other girls or wouldn't see his ex Melissa when she came home for Thanksgiving. He said he hasn't talked to these girls and that if Melissa was coming home, he didn't know about it".

[mhowe]

I think he wants to date you -- just you -- but that you guys got too serious, too fast.

 

Honestly, it shouldn't be this complicated. You either want to continue dating him, or you don't. It's up to you.

[Amandacast57]

Like I said before, you have soooooo many hurdles to cross if you want this to work.

 

1. He needs to decide what he wants to do with his life.

2. He needs to DO it.

3. He needs to make time for a relationship while he does.

4. He needs to decide he wants to be committed, in general.

5. He needs to decide he wants to be committed to YOU, specifically.

6. He needs to fall in love with you in order to catch up to where your feelings are.

 

If you want me to be extremely honest, I feel like he is struggling with his life more than any of us understand. I try to understand, but I can't. I don't know what it feels like to be 31 and not have any idea what I want to do, where I am going and who with. I think he struggles with all that, plus knowing that he wants me in his life too. Just like we have said before, I don't think he maliciously says things to me to string me a long or keep me around. And it is not that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, he CAN'T. He is lost. And he doesnt' know what to do. He wants my support and for me to be there so he says what he can to make sure I'm there.

 

That is why I never know what the BEST thing to do is. I feel bad that he is struggling. I really wish I could understand how he feels about his life. I guess that is me just caring and wanting to help....even though I know I can't

[Amandacast57]

I think he wants to date you -- just you -- but that you guys got too serious, too fast.

 

Honestly, it shouldn't be this complicated. You either want to continue dating him, or you don't. It's up to you.

 

But what about his life and not feeling complete and struggling with what he wants to do???

[mhowe]

You are a gf --- not a wife, fiance or therapist.

 

It is his life -- to live as he chooses. You cannot fix it for him.

[Justnotsure]

The main problem I see is that you're fixated on his "issues." And it's frustrating you that he doesn't realize/hasn't learned what you have. But he's not going to learn by you telling him. You've told him. You've counseled him. You've advised him. It will not change a thing. And will only continue to frustate you because he's not doing what you think he should do.

 

End of the day, he has chosen to pursue "meaning" and for him, that means not being in an exclusive relationshp with you.

 

Wish him luck and continue to live your life. You cannot change the facts, so you have to accept them.

[calichick007]

Well what can you do? You want to be settled and married. He doesn't even want you to be his girlfriend and says you should be open to dating other men. It's not as though you can snap your fingers and turn everything right side up. If you refuse to move on (which is what I believe you are doing), then your only choice is to stand by and be his FWB indefinitely. Just shut your eyes really tightly and hope against hope that everything will miraculously fall into place within X number of years. I'm truly not trying to be sarcastic - that is honestly your only option if you choose to continue what you're doing now.

[calichick007]

You are a gf --- not a wife, fiance or therapist.

 

It is his life -- to live as he chooses. You cannot fix it for him.

 

Not even a gf.

[Amandacast57]

Well what can you do? You want to be settled and married. He doesn't even want you to be his girlfriend and says you should be open to dating other men. It's not as though you can snap your fingers and turn everything right side up. If you refuse to move on (which is what I believe you are doing), then your only choice is to stand by and be his FWB indefinitely. Just shut your eyes really tightly and hope against hope that everything will miraculously fall into place within X number of years. I'm truly not trying to be sarcastic - that is honestly your only option if you choose to continue what you're doing now.

 

He didn't suggest I see other people. He suggested remaining loyal and into each other.

[Justnotsure]

And of course he said " I like hanging out with you. You are incredibly cute. If someone is showing interest in you, it's not fair for me to ask you to "hold out" for me. If we both just do our own thing, remain into and loyal to each other, hopefully it will work out the way you want".

 

You're not hearing this part. You're only hearing what you want to hear.

[Amandacast57]

And of course he said " I like hanging out with you. You are incredibly cute. If someone is showing interest in you, it's not fair for me to ask you to "hold out" for me. If we both just do our own thing, remain into and loyal to each other, hopefully it will work out the way you want".

 

You're not hearing this part. You're only hearing what you want to hear.

 

I am not ignoring that. I know what that means. Yet, right under it he said "if we remain loyal to each other". Its a contradiction.

 

Regardless, I'm going out with someone on Monday

[Justnotsure]

Good for you. Glad to hear it.

 

Stay strong.

[calichick007]

He didn't suggest I see other people. He suggested remaining loyal and into each other.

 

But said he wouldn't hold you back from someone else. He is fully willing to lose you. You were right in your earlier post - if you want something in your life, you will do what you have to do to keep it there. Pretending he wants it but just can't is a delusion. If he really wanted it, he would not be taking the risk he is now.

 

You repeatedly ask what the best thing to do is, and so many people have given you the answer - go NC and tell him to contact you if/when he is genuinely interested in working things out. You don't like that advice, so you continue to pose the same question hoping for a different answer. Again, if you are resigned to keeping up this faux relationship, the only thing you can do is keep seeing him when he sees fit to make time for you, keep lecturing him about what he should want and how he should get there, and hope that all of your problems magically resolve over the course of the next few years or however long. I personally think there is about a .5% chance of that working out - and that you will ultimately kick yourself for all of the time wasted on this dead-end situation that COULD have been spent with someone who actually wants what you want. For your sake, I hope I'm wrong.

 

I also think any advice that does not reconcile with what you want to hear falls on deaf ears, so I'll save my keystrokes from here on out.

[mhowe]

Until you give up faux relationship, you prevent yourself from having real one. Real ones are better.

[Amandacast57]

No, I completely appreciate your advice and input. And you are not talking to a wall. Like I said, I am doing my very best to move on. Do I hope that things work out between him and I? Yes, I do. But like everyone said, I've said my piece about what I think he should do with his life. If he thinks that I'm special enough to be in it, he needs to kick it in full gear and get it together.

 

If I was just going to hang around and wait for him, I wouldn't have accepted a date for Monday. And if I decided to remain in contact with my ex, I will be honest with the fact that I am choosing to date other people. He needs not think that I'm just sitting at home, hoping and praying that he will eventually come around.

[Amandacast57]

Until you give up faux relationship, you prevent yourself from having real one. Real ones are better.

 

What do you mean by this?

[mhowe]

Until you give up a "pretend" relationship -- ie...you are the only one "in" it -- you will not find someone who wants the same things you do.

[Justnotsure]

Until you give up a "pretend" relationship -- ie...you are the only one "in" it -- you will not find someone who wants the same things you do.

 

Agreed. It's so hard to see when you're in it, but if you meet someone who is equally as committed to a relationship as you are -- you do not go through this drama. You don't have to work or fix or convince. And it's so nice. If you believe that you deserve it, and take the steps to leave this behind to get there -- you can have it.

[Amandacast57]

Agreed. It's so hard to see when you're in it, but if you meet someone who is equally as committed to a relationship as you are -- you do not go through this drama. You don't have to work or fix or convince. And it's so nice. If you believe that you deserve it, and take the steps to leave this behind to get there -- you can have it.

 

It is VERY hard! Of course me, in this situation, thinks "well if I give him time to get his life in order, it will work".

 

When I say it is a constant struggle, it is. I weigh EVERY option. I think "Ok, well what if we hang out occasionall?" or "Should I be there for him?" or "If I completely go NC, will he see what it is to lose me and come around?" or "Is he going to get his life together?" or "Is this a struggle that is something none of us will understand?" or "Did he suggest we remain loyal to each other because he really means it and is he really going to be loyal to me?" or "is he afraid that he won't ever be able to provide for me?".

 

I know I shouldn't care what is going on in his head, but I can't help it because I care about him.

[Justnotsure]

I get that you care about him, but what is causing the anxiety is that you're trying to control something that you can't control -- another human being. And continuing to do that is going to leave you in a constant spin. And constantly feeling like....you don't have control. Because you don't. It's an icky feeling. I've been there - I get it.

 

Take a deep breath, and realize....he KNOWS what you want. He even said "hopefully this will eventually turn out the way you want." He KNOWS you want be with him. There is no confusion. You have communicated it.

 

If you choose to tell him to call you when/if he "gets his life together" and decides he wants to be with you -- he's not going to magically forget that you still want him or that your preference is to be in a relationship. HE is going to experience anxiety as a result of losing control of YOU -- and he will act out by trying to guilt you - just as he did last night. "Hope you had fun with him" -- and when he realized you were "loyal" - by backing up and saying "oh hey - I hope we're loyal to each other and maybe it'll work out in the future."

 

A relationship works when neither party is trying to control the other -- when both are in the same place and have the same goals. Anything other than that is going to lead to this emotional angst playing out repeatedly.