Why would he do this?

[Amandacast57]

One last thing...

 

Do you think it's true that he really doesn't love me?

[Amandacast57]

So I traveled to NYC this afternoon.

 

After thinking about what mhowe said, I decided to send him a text while sitting on the plane and said "just in case I die on this scary plane, I want you to know that I'm really sorry about being so pushy about the future. I know how important it is for you to accomplish your goals and I was not respecting that". He wrote back pretty quickly said that if I didn't die on the plane that he'd like to see me when I got back. We chatted a little bit and I told him I was having to get used to the not talking thing. He said "yea, my phone is a lot less active when you're not coming through it

 

We have kept chatting and I said "ok I'm going to let you finish studying. I'm about to head out to dinner with a friend. Have fun at class. Text me later if you want." and he said "ah so you got a date?"

[Amandacast57]

And now he's acting upset that I'm eating dinner with a guy friend.

[mhowe]

He isn't acting upset that you had dinner. He tested a question about who you were having dinner with --- you are inferring too much.

 

And since you accepted and told him you were not respecting his focus --- he responded that he would like to see you when you got back, all good.

 

Keep the future off the table. Enjoy the moment.

[Amandacast57]

He isn't acting upset that you had dinner. He tested a question about who you were having dinner with --- you are inferring too much.

 

And since you accepted and told him you were not respecting his focus --- he responded that he would like to see you when you got back, all good.

 

Keep the future off the table. Enjoy the moment.

 

After I got back from dinner last night, I sent him a picture of the snow in NYC. I then said good luck on your test tomorrow. I'm sure I've surpassed my quota of text messages to you so I'm going to head to bed. Sleep tight. He didn't respond. He woke me up this morning at 730 saying good morning, couldn't believe it was snowing and hoped I was having a good trip. Our conversation got pretty deep after that.

 

He told me that he wasn't happy. He felt like there was something significant in his life that was supposed to happen. He said he wants to play soccer professionally. Obviously I didn't shoot his dream down but To be honest...

He is 31 years old, 32 in June. It's not at all likely that he is going to play soccer professionally. He is good but not that good and typically people who are recruited to play soccer on a professional level do this in their early 20s, at the latest, mid 20s. This also usually happens for people who went to college to play this sport. He did not. He wants to live in a different country. I'm not sure how he would go about doing that? He can barely afford a lower-grade, 1 bedroom apartment in Raleigh, NC, for $595 a month. I highly doubt he can afford to just pick up and move to another country.

 

I told him that I felt like he was so focused on this one thing and what happens if that's not what his life path really is. What if he's supposed to coach little kids playing soccer? He's a great carpenter and can do amazing things with wood. What if that's supposed to be his path? It just doesn't seem like the things he wants to do are realistic, ya know?

 

He also said that he couldn't give me what I wanted, that he can't be a good boyfriend or a boyfriend period. I said ever??? And he said nooooo I didn't say that, he just can't give me marriage and kids right now. I said ok? I want to just spend time with you and laugh and make memories. All that other stuff doesn't need to be discussed right now. I told him that it scares me to think about him sleeping with someone else, giving someone else attention, making someone else feel special. His response was that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else or doing any of those things with anyone else and we are going to try to see each other tonight.

 

It seems like he's having a mid life crisis which literally seemed to start a month or so ago

[mhowe]

He is disillusioned with his life -- and you are right -- his expectations of what his life COULD be are entirely unrealistic.

 

He cannot be a good provider, in the marriage sense, is what he is saying. And he is right. If he is strained at a $600/month apt --- his financial future, at agd 32 is fairly dismal. And you say he is focused on his work --- while you work to live.

 

I don't see him as a solid partner for marriage and children if he is at this place at 32.

[Amandacast57]

He is disillusioned with his life -- and you are right -- his expectations of what his life COULD be are entirely unrealistic.

 

He cannot be a good provider, in the marriage sense, is what he is saying. And he is right. If he is strained at a $600/month apt --- his financial future, at agd 32 is fairly dismal. And you say he is focused on his work --- while you work to live.

 

I don't see him as a solid partner for marriage and children if he is at this place at 32.

 

In his defense, a $600/month apartment is hard because he pays for his school in full. He has no debt. So he saves all his money so he doesn't have to take out a student loan. He has an IRA and retirement fund and all that stuff that I really have no idea about, haha. So I don't think he would be an unfit partner for marriage and kids. My ex ex fit that. He could never save money, never remembered to pay his bills and would constantly overdraft his account.

 

Regardless of whether or not we were to get back together, I still care about hi, and his happiness. I know that if he were to attempt to pursue his dreams of playing soccer professionally, he would end up disappointed and further set back than where he is now.

 

I'm not sure why he can't accept himself for who he is now. He unfortunately lost out on the opportunity to play soccer professionally because while his peers, at 19/20/21, were playing soccer in college, he was out being bad. Sucks, but he has to accept it and move on. I'm not sure why he can't see his talent as a carpenter (seriously, he is does AMAZING things with wood) or build on his love for soccer and possibly look into opening up his own training center? And I don't think he really wants to live in another country. He probably just feels like he wants to see the world. I've had those thoughts before, where I feel like I should be experiencing more. I told him I'm more than happy to travel wherever he wants.

 

I'm sure it was even harder than him being around me and seeing my success. I had a job about 6 months out of college. I haven't really struggled to find employment like SO many people out there. I not only have a job but I work for a great company. He sees that and then sees his employer who doesn't seem to care about him and hasn't received a raise in almost 2 years. I offered to help, like him come to my company happy hours so he could network (maybe get some side carpentry jobs) and told him I'd help him create a resume and build his LinkedIn account. He actually has his own business, just doesn't really do too much with it. When we discussed getting a place together, I offered to be a little more financially responsible so he could peruse opportunities.

 

I know he can't provide for me right now. Trust me, even though I'd love to get married, I was still realistic about it. If we got married right now, I'd have to pay for the entire wedding. I don't many enough money to afford the wedding I want plus pay my every day bills and student loans. I just don't know if these unrealistic goals will pass. I mean, there are days that I think "I'm buying a home!! I'm definitely doing it!!!". But within a few days the reality of "I don't have a down payment" or "I need to pay off my debt first" sets in and I'm brought back down to earth.

[calichick007]

I sincerely hope you don't get sucked into a FWB arrangement with this guy, but I fear that is where you are headed.

[Amandacast57]

I sincerely hope you don't get sucked into a FWB arrangement with this guy, but I fear that is where you are headed.

 

I don't plan on it. Obviously, though, I do care about him and the personal struggle he is having.

[calichick007]

I don't plan on it. Obviously, though, I do care about him and the personal struggle he is having.

 

I understand. I just worry for you because he is still telling you that he is not wanting to be your boyfriend.... yet I think the odds of you being able to meet up with him and not get physical are pretty low. You know he'll be willing to hook up with you without commitment since he's already proposed that. Just keep reminding yourself that once you allow him to demote you to FWB, there is no turning back.

[Amandacast57]

I understand. I just worry for you because he is still telling you that he is not wanting to be your boyfriend.... yet I think the odds of you being able to meet up with him and not get physical are pretty low. You know he'll be willing to hook up with you without commitment since he's already proposed that. Just keep reminding yourself that once you allow him to demote you to FWB, there is no turning back.

 

I understand your worry I've done things completely different with him from the beginning than I did with any of my other boyfriend. I'll admit it, I slept with all my other boyfriends right away. I waited to sleep with my ex because he was different. I've been jealous and suspicious and clingy with all my other boyfriends but I wasn't with him. And the strange thing is, it wasn't like I had to tell myself "don't sleep with him", "don't be needy or clingy or jealous". I did all of it because it came natural when I was with him.

 

I've thought about what would happen if we slept together over and over and over. The relationship and him mean more to me than just causal hook ups. I'm scared to have sex with him when we aren't together.

 

I've also had a boyfriend in the past break up with me and we were friends with benefits. Haha, he had quite a few fwb other than me. After it all p,sued out, his intentions were to keep me around until he settled down. But I moved on. He admitted a year later that he thought he was going to marry me.

 

I know it's cliche to say, and I won't let this cloud my judgement, but I really feel like he's struggling with life. I did get to know him a lot and I don't see him as someone who would use me for sex. I see him keeping me around until he's interested.

 

Like I said, I've been a fwb a few times. This doesn't feel at all like that. But I'm also doing this the smart and careful way.

[Nattersmatter]

(Amandacast, just a quickie to say, Well done for pasting everything back into the original thread, and also, sorry that I haven't 'returned' as promised - it's just I've been ill with a tummy bug so haven't been logging on. Hopefully, I'll be well enough to come back on tomorrow. xoxo)

[Nattersmatter]

Still feeling a tad icky but I'll do my best.

 

I'm not reading ahead, FYI, just taking it post by post... so if I duplicate anything others have said, well... that's a useful thing where you're concerned, right?

 

Wait til I've completely caught up before you respond, okay?

 

Everything you have said makes complete sense to me. I asked him if he was afraid I was going to hurt him and he said no.

 

"I, Mr Manly Pride, am not afraid, no!...don't talk silly. I, Mr Manly Pride, am not afraid of *anything*, least of all being hurt, hmph.... because I'm a man and I'm strong and tough! [beats chest and goes, "Ahhh-ahh-ahh-ah-aaaahhhhhhh!!"]

 

The pride-saving line they normally give you, is this one: 'I'm worried [not scared or frightened, note] I'll end up hurting you.'

 

Remember this line for all future reference: I asked the liar if he was lying and he said no. [doh!]

 

SOME things he said will have been true. Congruent action being present will tell you which were or weren't.

 

But it's revealing if they won't admit anything that wouldn't fit with 'impressive'. You have to ask yourself WHY they don't want to leave you not still impressed by them... the obvious answer being - there may come a time when (ref. the maintaining of the bridge) they need to *resume* impressing you.

 

Anyway - you yourself put it best: if you're done with me WHY ARE YOU CONTACTING ME, NOT TO MENTION WITH NOTHING *NEW* TO SAY?! A person who was truly done with you would not give a flying DUCK what you thought of him in hindsight.

 

(Actions!)

 

And in regards to me giving him the space to study...it's hard to think that his thoughts were "how is she ok with me not spending time with her?" or "why doesn't she mind?".

 

So what? Doesn't mean he ACTED on it where you got wind of it. My point was, "It's okay if I want X but it's not okay if *she* does". You see this when you deliberately reverse-psychology them: I might not be able to see you next Xday as planned / Oh, well, that's really handy, actually!...cos my friends asked if [yadder-yadder] / Well, I didn't say I definitely *can't* see you?! (FYI, I keep that one tucked very firmly in my toolbelt. ;-))

 

At first I would ask to stay one night during the week. depending on his homework load, he would either say yes or no. Then it started to be "No babe, I need to study". Then I stopped asking all together, but it wasn't like I didn't still text or call. I just didn't ask to come over.

 

During the early wooing stage, you shouldn't be playing the chaser in the first place. You shouldn't be initiating calling/texting/emailing or requests. Just *responding* - and then only in proportion to whatever he initiates. You're the bird. You just stand there watching him fly back and forth depositing treats and shiny things at your feet (claws), smiling, applauding or gushing only when appropriate or needed in order to encourage him to keep it up....and then, once you've become suitably impressed, it's, 'Okay - you're in!'.

 

Again - our primitive Mating wiring in our jellos has *not* ever become updated/modernised (despite civilisation so-called has).

 

I'm so up in the air of whether or not he will call. Why would you bet money on it? I keep going back and forth about WHY he sent that unnecessary text. After he broke up with me Wednesday at 5pm, I sent him a text around 8 or 9 basically saying that I think this is stupid, I was looking forward to a life with him, I'm sorry he has so much going on and that I think he's confused and needs time to himself.

 

There it is! There's why (especially so, I mean). Is that or is that not reverse-psychologying him? "You're saying this is the end? No, pal - this is THE END. And I agree it needs to be!"

 

He didn't respond then so why, a day later, send a sorry text?

 

Because he hadn't anticipated you agreeing and being so accepting.. he didn't have a script for it. Clearly, this man had expectations... that you'd beg and beg and persuade and cajole, seemingly. You went against the script and expectations, meaning he had to go away and have a re-think/re-write.

 

To make himself feel better? To lower the guilt? After him saying he didn't love me, it's hard to think there was any regret or emotion behind that text.

 

I know it's hard... because it seems counter-intuitive of him. Precisely - it is. So what better way to get you LOSING your control and finally showing not only your truer strength of feeling and desire to keep the relationship but also - note - to gain more power and control by now becoming the cool, chilled one to your desperate, gushing and constantly worrying one.

 

He could be doing all of this because simply insecurity needs company (in order to feel less like the "girlie" of the piece in comparison) or because he prefers to be the Master to the woman's servant (in order to feel less like the "waiting victim" in comparison).

 

And then the whole "I never loved you". That is crazy to me!!!! He always made it a point that I knew he told it how it was and didn't say things he didn't mean.

 

And that may be his Modus Operandum in Situation Normal but that DOESN'T mean he can't lie when he needs to.

 

*I asked the (temporary) liar if he was lying and he said, No*

 

And going through my phone last night, I found three separate texts that said "loving someone isn't something I do often", "I love you! You are a good woman and good to me! I'm not going to wrong you or hurt you. There are too many things I like about you" and "I'm in love with you and I mean that and I don't want to lose you. I'll make sure you feel that way". So confusing how he doesn't or probably never did love me.

 

Why does someone who might unwillingly, accidentally hurt you - like a dentist - say, I'm not going to hurt you? Answer: cos they don't want you to hurt THEM.

 

I guess I just got the impression that he's this strong-willed, independent, knows what he wants person and since he made the decision to break up with me, why in the world would he ever feel like he made a mistake?!?

 

Are you seriously trying to imply that this mere mortal never makes mistakes or could never pretend he doesn't want something just because he presented a front? [rhetorical Q]

 

Oh and he also knows that I have stuff at his house and I have some things of his. I asked about it when he broke up with me and he kind of brushed it off

 

OH, DOES HE AND OH, DID HE INDEEDIE! Gottim!!!

 

Think about it... you've finished with a guy cos you genuinely went off him (and because you did, all last few dates with him felt kind of Ugh). You feel bad ending it but you also don't want to keep feeling Ugh. Are you going to prolong the discomfiting ending or are you going to get it ALL over and done with in one hit? Answer: obvious.

 

Yep, he's not done with you, alright.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Thursday evening at 930pm, I got a text from him saying "I just want you to know I'm sorry this happened ".

 

Hey - look at the TIME of that text!...the Litmus Hour! If you respond quickly, you're not sat with another man (cos [1] answering a text would RUUUDE and [2] you're having too much fun to care about incoming texts).

 

Amanda, this guy is so incredibly transparent I can see what he ate for last night's supper.

 

I've been ok since, sad...thought I wouldn't hear from him again. Well this morning his mom woke me up with a text message saying that she wanted me to know how much she enjoyed getting to know me and she was sorry things didn't work out. About 15 minutes after that, I get a text from him saying that he needed his ref pants since he was going to ref a soccer game later. Ok? You knew this whole week you were reffing, you knew I had the pants and you wait until 10am to tell me you need them? I was nice and told him that I would bring them to him.

 

1. His what did what?!?*? How old is he? FIVE???

 

Why on EARTH would his MOTHER of all people, want you to remember her kindly? PFF...

 

2. ...To test your receptivity ready for *his* subsequent call, clearly! But I reckon with TWO agendas: so that you wouldn't refuse to give back the pants; [ii] to temperature-test you and that bridge (whether its gate was still open at your end).

 

3. You not only said yes but offered to BRING them to him? Temperature reading: STILL BURNING HOT (desperate).

 

When I got to his house we talked. I won't go in to every detail but he told me that he just felt like we were butting heads because I wanted to do things that he didn't have time to do. I explained to him that he was assuming my feelings. I never had an issue with the time we spent together. Sure, it was hard right now, but I knew that when the holidays came around or spring break or the summer, that we would have more time together. The lack of time wasn't something that we would deal with forever.

 

Hmm. Don't bank on it. Cos roughly translated, that *could* mean this: I don't want to do whatever you 'dictate', only what I dictate...and my excuse is my lack of time. (I'm getting whiffs of this: I'll take you back IF you agree to be servant from now on. Not good.)

 

He kept trying to hug me.

 

Oh, for god's sake. Now I can see his actual bone marrow!

 

He said that he was having opportunities in his life to do things now that he didn't have before.

 

So he wants to be able to have his cake AND eat it.... give these 'things' priority but be able to see you whenever convenient and when he feels like summoning you with a click of his fingers.

 

He was starting to be seen as someone other than a criminal and that that felt good (Hes 31 and got in trouble when he was 21. He spent about a month and a half in jail and when he got out, COMPLETELY turned his life around).

 

Shame he didn't completely finish turning his selfish "you do the work *for* me" attitude around, eh. And look at mummy: even trying to put her oar into running his romantic relationships like he's still some 5-yr-old! Incredible.

 

(Dot-connection, anyone?)

 

I told him when we first started dating that he said that he didn't think he would find someone that was perfect for him and he said he still felt that way, but there was just things he needed to do to himself.

 

At this point you're supposed to make, "Well DO them..and I'll fit in and around YOU" noises.

 

He hugged me and kissed me on the forehead

 

[gag]

 

and I said "I just want someone to think I'm so great and they were afraid to lose me". He said "Do you really think no one feels that way about you?"

 

Translation: Do you really think I don't think that way about you?

 

But liars always DO use the third person ("no-one") to disassociate themselves from the lie and thereby feel less like a criminal.

 

Sorry about that... New data = New conclusion: he's playing you... emotionally manipulating you so that he can have you back completely on HIS terms.

 

Oh, SURE, he likes you a lot. And SURE, he fancies you alot, still. But his love for you is SELFISH AND WHOLLY CONDITIONAL so he does not have mature, EQUAL RIGHTS relationship ergo SUCCESS/EVERLASTINGNESS in mind.

 

Anyway... Why *would* he at his age? He's only five, remember?

 

and I said "Well its been that way so far". He also said that he would do his part to keep me in his life (weird, because you just broke up with me) but he felt that I would be vindictive and not allow that to happen.

 

Not weird now you've got this playing-you light to shine on everything, eh.

 

Translation: I want you to believe I love you unselfishly and healthily so that you'll get back into the boat with me, sit patiently whilst I mainly sit with my back to you, fishing, or going scuba diving, waiting for whenever I feel like giving you a few hours of my time here and there, in the hope that sooner or later you'll get the more loving and attentive man back.

 

(No, you won't, Amanda.)

 

Amanda, you must have overdone your what-now-clearly-had-been feigned Cool Chick act, including actions by rote to suit. He obviously sensed that if he prodded you hard enough you'd fall OFF that chilled perch, so tenuous was your grip.

 

Before I left he said "You can take this as you want. I'm not interested in anyone else. I don't want to sleep with other people or date other people. If you can be patient and just take time to go to the gym and focus on work and your friends, things could change" and then leaned in and kissed me.

 

Yeah. You can MAKE your own hope because I'm not going to give you actual basis for it. Then, if ever in the future I am ready to dispense with you, you can't berate me for it because - hey! - *you* were the one who wanted me and this relationship more than I did. Who was *I* to be mean enough to say No and make you sad, like some nasty git?

 

I left.

 

My phone started ringing on the way home. It was him and I answered. He said "So I want you to know, when you said that there isn't anyone that is scared to lose you and thinks you are great, that is not true. Men and women just show their feelings differently".

 

Ugh. No, they don't. They NEITHER OF THEM risk actually *LOSING* their "too"-loved partner!!! They are too loved! The thought of possibly losing them forever is UNTHINKABLE!

 

I do know that he has been in contact with at least one ex. They didn't work out because they are COMPLETELY different. He is 31, she is 22 and they live totally different lifestyles. Oh, and she lives in NY.

 

No, he's not - he's 5. He's mummy's wickle soldier, ahhhh...

 

Even looking back, there were times where I questioned "us" myself. I never brought it up or tried to leave just because I felt uncertain at times. ANY time I had second thoughts about us, there was always something that proved to me that we should be together. It felt like one thing that happened in a negative way, he was like "omg, this can't be right".

 

There you go - he'd been trying to nudge you off your chilled perch all along.

 

You may have had the urge that you should be with SOMEONE forever. But that doesn't mean he deserves the credit. Clearly, he *doesn't*. And he might well have got your number and reached in and stimulated it.. that number being: whenever you hear 'this can't work' noises, your response is, 'Oh YEAH?!'... cos you like *challenge* even more than you don't like MANIPULATIVE WOTSITS.

 

Sorry, Amanda, but I don't need to go any further. Please don't waste your precious time on a dud. I know it's hard to do when you still have feelings for them (or rather, the person they convincingly presented to you) but those WILL pass if you let them. Repeat after me: "Next!........"

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Oh, and by the way: note that if you DON'T agree to get back into his toybox whereby you sit in the dark waiting for baby to open the lid and pull you out to play with you occasionally if ever he's bored and not busy with other more fun things, you're VINDICTIVE, DONCHA KNOW!

 

You wouldn't want to be *vindictive*, now, would you, Amanda? Course you wouldn't.

 

PUKE. PUKE. PUKE-PUKE-PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE!

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Sorry - should be more expansive here or I'm going to confuse you:

 

Ugh. No, they don't. They NEITHER OF THEM risk actually *LOSING* their "too"-loved partner!!! They are too loved! The thought of possibly losing them forever is UNTHINKABLE!

 

What I mean is: if they (the genuine article) do make a knee-jerk mistake of ending it, for whatever acceptable reason, they try to win you - *and* the relationship quality/quantity as previously stood or even better - back. They don't try to win (or make you try to win) back a seriously DEMOTED version.

 

You have to wait until you get enough data to be SURE of whether their agenda is healthy or unhealthy, though. These days, people are in too much of a hurry to use all their mental resources to consider all components from all angles so they tend to draw conclusions from just one symptom. Obviously, there *are* genuine cases. And despite a genuine man wouldn't actually LET the relationship completely go and would bust a gut to get his relationship with you back (without demoting it), meaning no harm actually done - who needs that upsetting hassle in the first place if it can be at all avoided?

 

And there are genuine cases. Were there not, these non-genuine types would have nothing to emulate, nothing to con you with... He'd say, 'I made a huge mistake!' and you'd turn around and say, 'Can't have - in the entire history of romantic relationships, they don't ever happen!'.

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

Haha

 

Did you get to the part about him saying he wasn't happy with his life?

[Amandacast57]

And can you elaborate on what you mean by a demoted version?

[Nattersmatter]

I explained that. Whereby you become the toy in the box, waiting for HIM to decide when you two should see each other, where, how, etc. All on his terms.

 

I've just read the rest of this thread. Amanda, you DID do something wrong:

 

I am 25 (not too young, not too old) and unfortunately, am scared marriage is something that will never happen for me. I spent two and a half years, prior to this relationship, wasted, with a guy who apparently saw no future with me, only the drugs and alcohol that were currently in his face. Friends of mine are already married and have kids and now people must younger than me are getting engaged and married.

 

You acted out of fear-based need. Twenty-five *is* young. You're pressuring yourself unnecessarily and therefore pressuring the men. You did not behave like The Selector (that female bird analogy). You? You were the one busting a gut, flying back and forth depositing treats and shiny things at HIS feet.

 

To a healthy male, he'll feel like he's being treated like the woman - being chased and persuaded to be impressed. It'll turn him off. To the UNHEALTHY male, it'll smack of desperation... which to him is a USEFUL thing. It means you'll compromise yourself and what you want and need and rightfully deserve simply by your gender, in order to please him.... for example, staying up later than you wanted TO PLEASE HIM, and - unless you utterly LOVE housework(!) - cleaned his house (ye gods!!!) TO PLEASE HIM... and consistently sat waiting patiently like you didn't matter, only he did.

 

If a woman has GENUINE marriage (and motherhood) in mind, she will want to test-drive that male TO THE HILT. She can't afford to sell her unborn kids short because their survival will depend on him being fit for the job. She will *not* make it easy on him or else it's not an authentic test-drive. You only under-test a car if you're desperate for "a car, any car!!!". The fact it could turn out to be a lemon matters, when in blind panic, far less than having "a" car ASAP.

 

...Because all your friends have got one. And you want not to get excluded from the club.

 

It's not him who's peer-competitive. It's you.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

PS: You're not late, they're *early*. xoxo

[Amandacast57]

I think he really has some life questions he needs to ask himself and really evaluate what he wants.

 

My take on it?

 

He can't accept responsibility for the decisions and paths he decided to take. Ok, so at 21, he decided to be "Mr. Bad" and do some drugs and get in trouble with the law. Ok, fine. But take responsibility for the fact that you chose to do those things over pursuing a soccer career in college. Crap happens, but you move on. It is insanely ridiculous to me that he is 31 years old and determined that he will play soccer professionally!! HOW?!?! He has no professional training, he is what the consider old and although he plays 3-4 times a week, majority of those games are on smaller, indoor fields with sub par players. At some point in ones life you have to accept that some things are over. I played softball for 18 years. I was GOOD. But there came a time when I knew that my youth days of playing ball were over. It sucked and I missed it, but it was time to move on to other things. I'm not saying he should stop playing soccer all together when there are rec leagues for men over 30. But seriously, how much longer is he going to play 3-4 days a week (excessive for a 31 year old in my opinion), not to mention complaining about how little time he does have.

 

And to think about it, if he cut his soccer games down to one or two, he would have more time (so stop complaining about your lack of time when your schedule is busy because of YOU).

 

He has also told me he wants to get married and have kids. Ok? When exactly does he see this happening? Let's do some math. If he finishes school the way he intends to, that puts him at 35ish. Then he will have to meet a girl (1. I won't be around and 2. His standards are so high he is going to expect some 25 year oldish to want to date him because he doesn't want a divorcee or a single mom). Then he will date them, blah blah, probably putting him close to 40 before he's married. Haha, I wonder what age he would be when they finally have kids.

 

I think he needs to reevaluate his life goals. I'm not one to discourage school but I honestly don't see a 4 year degree (2, yes, because he's almost finished with that) being beneficial to him if he receives it at age 35. He will still be working entry-level jobs (you have to build experience) and again, won't be happy. I really think he should look into growing his business or finding a job with a home construction company because he can do wonders with wood.

[Nattersmatter]

They're HIS business. Stop 'meddling' in his business when you have your own to be getting on with just so you won't have time to. You don't need to analyse WHY he's immature. He simply is, berbom.

 

Right Person, Right Place, WRONG Time. Like I said - he's still 5. He's never going to be ready for adulthood and its accoutrements on your timetable. What HE is doing is AVOIDING growing up to befit his on-paper age. Hence putting all his energies into what can never be more than a HOBBY... just like a kid would. And he wants a relationship more in line with that of a young kiddie's, too. But that's his prerogative because it's his life and his mess. His mother EVIDENTLY didn't teach him the tools for developing his maturity. But boo-hoo, neither did a lot of other people's parents. If you have incomplete parenting in whatever area(s), one of the obligations of you, the now-adult, is to finish that yourself... which (if you suffered that situation in extremis) is either extra difficult or impossible thanks to the fact YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOOLS.

 

So he may well be ****ed.

 

So back to you. How did you attract a boy like that in the first place? Why did you agree to enter the tennis tournament with a crap player in the first place? Why do you deep down NOT want to win the tourament irrespective of your claims to the contrary? Answer: because your sensible side KNOWS you don't genuinely want kids for genuine reasons. And so it allowed you to pick/accept someone with whom that could never happen. Meanwhile, with this handbrake firmly on whilst you sit there revving your engine with the gearstick in 1st, yelling Go-Go-Go!, time passes. And IN that passing of time, you might well reach a mental place where you ARE genuinely ready to marry and make kids, whereupon your sensible side will finally disengage the handbrake.

 

Berbom.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

You do NOT want marriage yet. You do NOT want kids yet. You want to BELONG somewhere.

 

So that's what you should set your sights on and set about achieving. Start with finding a social group who are on the same page as you as well as whose intrinsic moral fibres match, if circumstances in common make you feel less alienated.

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

You are right, it isn't my problem that he cannot accept responsibility, grow up and move on with his adult life.

 

I don't think his mother didn't teach him the tools he needs to be an adult. The problem is that he resents his two younger brothers because they were basically given everything on a silver platter while he was left to "fend for himself". Now his 25 year old brother has bought a house and is getting married in June. But again, GET OVER IT!! My younger sister was given everything on a silver platter. She hardly worked while I was working at 15 years old, has no college debt, her car was bought in full for her while I pay for mine, etc etc. But me, being an adult, looks at it as me learning to be an adult. I had to learn to budget my money and spend within my means. I have a completely MATURE grasp on how he world works.

 

And I thought he did too. He told me about his IRA and savings and how he has no debt and won't accept a credit card with an interest rate higher than 10%. He makes sure the house is clean and has a routine of washing/folding laundry. All of those things appealed to me as someone who was an adult. Like I said, it was not until JUST RECENTLY that these crazy ideas and feelings and goals started happening.

 

Why am I attracted to a guy like this? I'm not sure. I really thought he was different than the normal guys I had dated. I wasn't even really in to him at first. I decided to give him a chance because he was different and seemed very genuine.

 

As far as him "playing me"...Do you mean playing me as in me and other girls or playing me like he wants to keep me around until hes ready or whatever?

 

There are days where I feel like he will come around and days when I feel like he is really struggling and days where I feel like he is completely out of his mind.

 

But regardless, I do feel that EVERY DAY he wants to make sure that I'm still interested.

 

We were supposed to hang out last night when I got back from NYC. When I got off the plane I got this pretty lengthy text from him:

 

"I don't think tonight is going to be a good night. I've got too much to do and I've got to get up early. Please don't hate me. Definitely something in the next few days. I want to! But I just need to finish packing and getting everything ready for this weekend and that wouldn't be much fun for you".

 

Part of me thinks he knows what he has, he just doesn't know what to do with it quite yet.

 

But I'm not putting my eggs in one basket. I know my worth. Sure him and I can talk but that doesn't mean I'm not looking. And that is just something he has to accept.

[calichick007]

But regardless, I do feel that EVERY DAY he wants to make sure that I'm still interested.

 

Of course. If you aren't careful, he'll use you to wean himself off you. Showing him what life is like without you - really like - is probably your best shot. Staying in his life in this lowered capacity just lets him get over you by weaning himself off you slowly, on his own terms.