Why would he do this?

[calichick007]

^^^ I'm not saying he definitely is, but 99.9% of people who break up with someone promise that they aren't looking to get into another relationship. Until they do, lol. I don't put much stock into those sorts of comments.

[Nattersmatter]

In his defense, he was not as busy when I first started dating him.

 

I get what you're saying BUT ...he surely didn't all of a sudden realise he was busy only following Sunday, did he? Get my point? If busyness were an issue, you'd have him asking to see you less frequently or to do more docile and relaxing things whenever you got together.

 

We started dating in May, when classes were out. I had also just been laid off so I literally stayed every night at his house until I was hired by the company I am at now. His downtime was not dedicated to studying, it was dedicated to doing things with me. He expressed many times his concern of keeping my interest once school started. He said that he felt like I wouldn't like the lack of time he had and would leave. I told him that I had been there, done that when it comes to school and was willing to support him through it. Guess it was ironic that I was the one ok with the lack of time and he was the one who ended up leaving.

 

Now therein *does* lay a corroborative Scooby Clue... cos back then, mountain (you) constantly went to Mohammad (him) and that might have some bearing in here somewhere as far as convenience AND him having a definite means to measure your keenness level (you didn't fail to make the effort). But listen to what the emboldened sentance is saying: I fear you will leave me.

 

So it's all IN there, isn't it.

 

What do I want? Well, I want him to realize he is making a mistake. Reading through these boards, I have read story after story of how poorly treated people were, people being cheated on, left for someone "better", etc etc. I know how hard it is to find someone these days who is true to you and also someone you have a deep connection with. I find it odd that after giving his heart to his fiance and it basically being put in a blender, then dating girls that were not compatible, to FINALLY find someone that he told me so many times was EVERYTHING he wanted, and to just let it go.

 

When you're hell-bent on chasing to get something, you haven't yet got it, hence your mind isn't concerned with what will happen ONCE you've got it. Once you do get it, if it means *too* much to you (or shows the potential to), the next thought in the queue is, What if I lose it (eeek!)?

 

This is so bog standard amongst the cheated-ons. Their brand of loss hurt sooooo much more than the norm, see... So they're not just scared of loss, they're downright petrified, thus liable to see an especially good thing as an especially bad thing, as in threatening. This realisation gets followed by ditching the best (but scariest to lose) for the lesser model who can't/doesn't get under their skin quite so much and whom losing will feel more manageable. The safer relationship. (What is likewise more manageable is ditching before you're in too deep, note.)

 

Trouble with that is... their post-traumatic wounds don't sit there thrumming forever. Soon enough the person is back to full strength... whereupon the safer relationship is, by its nature, suddenly boooooringggg.

 

Additionally - particularly if he was subscribed to a dating site (and/or that's where you two met), there *is* still the possibility of him having met someone else *already*... said less-scary model.

 

I guess the wait without waiting for him is what is going to happen. Not necessarily because I am sitting around waiting for him, but because I just don't have interest in finding anyone else right now. My heart hurts, I thought I found the one and I'm not ready to just give up on something I thought was fine. The break up wasn't bad. Neither of us cheated. There wasn't anything about the other person that didn't work. The relationship wasn't broken or needed anything fixed.

 

It's too soon for you to think you have it all sewn up. Wait until you have clearer vision and perspective through a bit more distance... see what you suddenly spot in retrospect which might make sense of it all.

 

But your waiting-without-waiting, i.e. recovering yet keeping an open mind - will certainly be made easier by the fact you've told him, basically, that he's not to contact you (the unspoken tacit, being...) unless he has something new and definite to say.

 

I also don't want to sit around and beg for him to work things out - ABSOLUTELY NOT! But maybe just give it some time and see how he deals. Maybe then go get some coffee or dinner?? I don't even know how to go about it. I don't want to not say anything because I don't want him to think I'm not interested.

 

Yep, I'm with you. You're not going anywhere anyway so... may as well stay near or just accessible to that area. But don't whatever you do knock on HIS door. If you were holding a party and one of your friends behaved badly without any just cause coming from you, before storming out - would you be the one to run out of the door after them and begging them to come back indoors? Nyo... I dyon't thyink syo. So don't do it with a "super-friend", either.

 

Like calichick said: you've TOLD him you think he's making a huge mistake, etc., meaning he's perfectly well aware that you're still-..no, strike that - perfectly well aware that you *would have stayed interested* had it not been for his silly, overreactive choice over how to deal with his insecurities (throwing baby out with the bathwater). This then leaves the logical conclusion that you would be interested again if he *corrects/reverts* his behaviour, whilst leaving you with NOTHING to do but Nothing. And don't ever diss Nothing because if you do it *deliberately*, it's in fact you doing A LOT.

 

...He thinks he'll feel better without you and the constant risk of loss when at a point where he couldn't handle it? Well, let's see if he *does*, then.

 

Me, I just think he didn't like that YOU were the in-charge, in-control-of-yourself party when that was supposed to be *him* yet he was being the skittish 'female' of the duo. You showed him up to himself. So this is the thing and why he *isn't* as thick as one might think: You ain't going to be QUITE so chilled and Que Sera next time round, are you.... or so he hopes. ;-)

 

xoxo

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

I get what you're saying BUT ...he surely didn't all of a sudden realise he was busy only following Sunday, did he? Get my point? If busyness were an issue, you'd have him asking to see you less frequently or to do more docile and relaxing things whenever you got together.

 

Yep, he knew what school would be like and the time it would require. Its not like he just started school this fall. And yes, school didn't get busier following Sunday. Plus, I never kept him from doing any of his school work. In fact, I left him alone all week so he could study. Even when we would spend time together on the weekends, there would be times where he would take some time to study. I never once complained or asked him to stop studying and come be with me. And the time we spent together was loving. After he was done studying or wanted to take a break, he would come over and lay with me.

 

Now therein *does* lay a corroborative Scooby Clue... cos back then, mountain (you) constantly went to Mohammad (him) and that might have some bearing in here somewhere as far as convenience AND him having a definite means to measure your keenness level (you didn't fail to make the effort). But listen to what the emboldened sentance is saying: I fear you will leave me.

 

So it's all IN there, isn't it.

 

Why does he need to measure my keenness level?

 

When you're hell-bent on chasing to get something, you haven't yet got it, hence your mind isn't concerned with what will happen ONCE you've got it. Once you do get it, if it means *too* much to you (or shows the potential to), the next thought in the queue is, What if I lose it (eeek!)?

 

This is so bog standard amongst the cheated-ons. Their brand of loss hurt sooooo much more than the norm, see... So they're not just scared of loss, they're downright petrified, thus liable to see an especially good thing as an especially bad thing, as in threatening. This realisation gets followed by ditching the best (but scariest to lose) for the lesser model who can't/doesn't get under their skin quite so much and whom losing will feel more manageable. The safer relationship. (What is likewise more manageable is ditching before you're in too deep, note.)

 

Trouble with that is... their post-traumatic wounds don't sit there thrumming forever. Soon enough the person is back to full strength... whereupon the safer relationship is, by its nature, suddenly boooooringggg.

 

Additionally - particularly if he was subscribed to a dating site (and/or that's where you two met), there *is* still the possibility of him having met someone else *already*... said less-scary model.

 

He was not on a dating site. He is friends with mutual friends who decided that he was a nice guy and I was a nice girl and we should go on a date. When we first started talking he was telling me how he thought he wouldn't find anyone that was exactly what he wanted. And I was cheated on too. But I try my best to leave that when I enter another relationship. I guess its different because the women in his life had ALL betrayed him. I can't imagine what its like to get the courage to ask someone to marry you and then them cheat

 

It's too soon for you to think you have it all sewn up. Wait until you have clearer vision and perspective through a bit more distance... see what you suddenly spot in retrospect which might make sense of it all.

 

But your waiting-without-waiting, i.e. recovering yet keeping an open mind - will certainly be made easier by the fact you've told him, basically, that he's not to contact you (the unspoken tacit, being...) unless he has something new and definite to say.

 

Haha, do people usually follow that or if they want to call, despite what they have to say, they are going to do it anyways? I was surprised that I even got that from him. He is not the type to "chase" someone and since I'm no longer his girlfriend, he certainly does not owe me an apology, especially since he already apologized. I guess the lonely ride home from his soccer game made him want to do that?

 

Yep, I'm with you. You're not going anywhere anyway so... may as well stay near or just accessible to that area. But don't whatever you do knock on HIS door. If you were holding a party and one of your friends behaved badly without any just cause coming from you, before storming out - would you be the one to run out of the door after them and begging them to come back indoors? Nyo... I dyon't thyink syo. So don't do it with a "super-friend", either.

 

Like calichick said: you've TOLD him you think he's making a huge mistake, etc., meaning he's perfectly well aware that you're still-..no, strike that - perfectly well aware that you *would have stayed interested* had it not been for his silly, overreactive choice over how to deal with his insecurities (throwing baby out with the bathwater). This then leaves the logical conclusion that you would be interested again if he *corrects/reverts* his behaviour, whilst leaving you with NOTHING to do but Nothing. And don't ever diss Nothing because if you do it *deliberately*, it's in fact you doing A LOT.

 

So doing nothing is doing something? it is so hard to think that my absence may have an affect on him. I find myself wondering if he is thinking about me or missing me.

 

...He thinks he'll feel better without you and the constant risk of loss when at a point where he couldn't handle it? Well, let's see if he *does*, then.

 

From my past experience, none of my exes contacted me right away and certainly not the next day. I don't understand the point in the text last night. He's already apologized, why do it again? It left me with so many thoughts such as "if you think you'll feel better NOT being in a relationship why are you taking the time to THINK about texting me and then ACTUALLY doing it??".

 

Me, I just think he didn't like that YOU were the in-charge, in-control-of-yourself party when that was supposed to be *him* yet he was being the skittish 'female' of the duo. You showed him up to himself. So this is the thing and why he *isn't* as thick as one might think: You ain't going to be QUITE so chilled and Que Sera next time round, are you.... or so he hopes. ;-)

 

I've thought this all along. He is the guy that is very Christian, thinking that the male is supposed to provide for the female. I have a college degree and a career and make more money than him. I felt like that bothered him and put more pressure on him to be better. Plus I'm not going to lie and say that I NEVER talked about marriage or kids, but it was also conversations we had together. He seemed to fight a constant battle of needing/wanting to settle down. He would say how some days he felt like he needed to and other days he didn't. Plus all the guys he hangs out with are either engaged or married and having kids. I guess that puts a lot of pressure on him internally. I just want him to realize how silly this is. Why risk losing a good thing over fear? I love him A LOT. I was SO excited to start a life with him and I thought he felt the same way. I always told him how I wanted to show him that not all females are the same

[calichick007]

You don't know that it's over fear, though, or intimidation due to your career. I realize you're only a few days out of the breakup, so what you're doing is natural... but what you're doing is imposing your own opinions about the relationship and your perception of his feelings on him, rather than accepting what he's telling you. You keep saying he's doing it because he's afraid, and that the relationship was totally wonderful, unbroken, and nothing needed fixing. He's telling you that he does not love you, and the fact that he ended things suggests that the relationship was indeed broken - at least from his perspective. I know how much it sucks and how badly it hurts, but at some point the rose-colored glasses have to come off. I think you do yourself a disservice if you refuse to take what he is telling you at face value.

[Amandacast57]

You may very well be right. All I'm saying is I compare this relationship to my previous one and it was clear what went wrong. I've taken off my rose-colored glasses and really tried to figure out what happened. We had some fights here and there, but who hasn't.

 

Did his behavior towards me when we were together change? No, we still had sex. He was still affectionate and loving towards me. He made plans for the future which was something my ex didn't do.

 

He really just could have not had the time for a relationship therefore he was not able to have his "love" grow.

[calichick007]

 

Did his behavior towards me when we were together change? No, we still had sex. He was still affectionate and loving towards me. He made plans for the future which was something my ex didn't do.

 

He really just could have not had the time for a relationship therefore he was not able to have his "love" grow.

 

I don't think the lack of behavior change means much, although it makes things hurt much more. My last relationship ended after one of the best weekends I'd ever had with my ex and yes, lots of sex. When he started giving me the breakup speech, I sincerely thought it was a joke because it seemed impossible to make a 180 degree turn in a matter of hours. But it happens. Even though I'm over him at this point, it's still one of the grudges I hold. Carrying on as usual when you know you're thinking of ending it is particularly cruel, I think.

 

I also think the fact that your guy was going back and forth on being ready to settle down was probably a much bigger issue than not having time. Women typically settle down when they meet who they feel is the right person, whether they thought they were ready or not. Men can date "right" woman after "right" woman, but if they aren't fully ready to settle down, they won't. I generally see men settling down with the first suitable woman they find after they decide they are completely ready. In my experience, anyway.

[Nattersmatter]

I get what you're saying BUT ...he surely didn't all of a sudden realise he was busy only following Sunday, did he? Get my point? If busyness were an issue, you'd have him asking to see you less frequently or to do more docile and relaxing things whenever you got together.

 

Yep, he knew what school would be like and the time it would require. Its not like he just started school this fall. And yes, school didn't get busier following Sunday. Plus, I never kept him from doing any of his school work. In fact, I left him alone all week so he could study. Even when we would spend time together on the weekends, there would be times where he would take some time to study. I never once complained or asked him to stop studying and come be with me. And the time we spent together was loving. After he was done studying or wanted to take a break, he would come over and lay with me.

 

(First off, just to say: I believe you that he's probably not cheating but he *could* be doing so in his mind... thinking about trying a safer, less tempting/crazy-making model instead. I also believe you're good at signs-receptivity including *changes* in them.)

 

Normally the man wants to be in control in line with the non-stop practise he's had during rearing to be master of his destiny and all he surveys. But when a man has been crushed...traumatised... he becomes quite womanlike... And no offense but too many women don't HAVE that high level of confidence. Au contraire, they become as unsure of themselves and lower-self-esteemed (but higher in ego defensiveness).... whittle-whittle-whittle, worry-worry-worry, not knowing what they want and constantly changing their minds and contradicting last week's firm opinion.... yet, as men, they still manage to keep such thoughts to themselves as they also were taught and is too deep a habit to break.

 

Here is he, having been rejected in the worst way possible (cheated on), thus still (his perception) altogether rejectable. He wants PROOF COUNTER to that... whilst braced for yet more proof OF it. He's in DefCon, still (Condition 3 triggerable back to 1, I imagine). Two years full of yet MORE incoming missiles is *not* time spent healing. He's barely any further ahead than when cheated on by his fiancee.

 

There's you, *not* in the same bad state... Little Miss Chilled & Relaxed. He can't relate to that. He's forgotten what it's like and what behaviour traits correspond to it. So - like he's wired to - he's still reading ACTIONS instead of listening to words (blah-blah-meaningless-or-merely-temporarily-meaning-blah).

 

The trouble with actions is there are FAR fewer varieties to go round than words. One action can mean more than one thing. But his perspective is still shrunken (having emotional survival too heavily on his mind, still) so he's mistranslating the action to mean the negative X instead of or over the positive Y. He's paranoid, basically.

 

Those highlighted actions of yours? He's read them like this:

 

- "How nice of her togive me space to study................................. Wait a minute!?... HOW is she??... Doesn't she MIND that she's not getting my attention???!.... WHY wouldn't she mind?.... Isn't she INTO me enough?...shouldn't she be gagging to be interacting with me and UPSET that she's being prevented??!!!"

 

But he couldn't be *sure*.

 

So all of this is why he needed a more extreme thus definitive litmus... to know indisputably one way or another.

 

(Not sensible, is it.) (Or maybe it is ...in a non-sensible way?)

 

You may have been cheated on, too. But you're a woman who's had time and opportunity (her whole life) to pump your emotional muscles thus make them more impervious or, failing that, resilient. It's not "manly" to confide your fears and show anything less than constant, cocky confidence, is it. (Sure, it's getting better but it's nowhere near universal yet.) So he was at a distinct disadvantage and you're miles ahead of him on the back-to-full-strength front. You might even be mentally stronger intrinsically for all you know? Plus, as you point out, he's not just had ONE limb broken but *loads*. So you're running, dancing, prancing and he's still limping (whilst doing what many men do best - hiding it really convincingly).

 

I can't imagine what its like to get the courage to ask someone to marry you and then them cheat[/b]

 

Exactly. You - him caring about and fancying someone *majorly* and so unexpectedly quickly - represent the lion's den that he's still reeling from. Imagine him for real walking almost straight back into the den before he's had time to recover and largely forget? Would you EXPECT him to think straight, talk sense, settle on definite decisions, keep to them, *not* make rash moves under such blinding panic?? Course you wouldn't. Even if he was *resisting* panic, his powers of judgement over what the incoming signs mean and what to best do about them in terms of how to react, etc., would be seriously impeded. As for worrying about outcome and longer-term ramifications? Forget it!

 

So now you understand. Don't let that affect your standing up for YOU and what YOU want and need, though... despite you can empathise and be sensitive about it all. You're both equal players. Ball's in *his* court.

 

Re the calling. It depends on the individual, their state of mind and their circumstance whether they'll find SOME excuse to ring you anyway. But, yes, men are taught to push-push-push when there's something they want, generally. Plus, matey has *already* crossed that line: the call was inappropriate given that there was nothing left to say or do at that point. So clearly, he does have that pushiness in him. But wait and see.

 

""if you think you'll feel better NOT being in a relationship why are you taking the time to THINK about texting me and then ACTUALLY doing it??". "

 

There you go, well deduced, Holmes!

 

Even the immediacy of that unnecessary apology aside, if you were to ask me to bet money on it? Yep - I'm in. Tenner says he'll call. (And there will be more than the soccer game journey to remind him he's devoid of you now and chip his resolve, no worries.) BUT DON'T FOCUS ON THAT. Know it,chew it, swallow it...and then get on with things as if you believe he *won't* call.

 

But feelings and practicality/pragmatism are two separate things. So although he'll miss you and pine for you, that doesn't necessarily pose as the sole qualification pro wanting you back. That one is *women's* department ("He was a CREEP!" / "Yes, I know BUT-BUT-BUT... I STILL LOVE HIM, WHAAH!" / "But he was a CREEP and who wants to permanently pair up with a CREEP, so you'll just have to IGNORE that and wait for it to go away." / "But I CAAAN'T, WHAAAAAH!" / "[Oh, good grief!]")

 

So him calling is NOT the point. It's *why* he's calling when he does which is what matters... which is ALL that matters. And the point at this stage of last night's incident? I explained why: to keep that bridge intact in case or for when he plans to cross back over it.

 

Doing nothing: If the pain is too great, someone *has* to do something. If you're not, who does THAT leave? Ain't rocket science. It's his born prerogative as the male, anyway.

 

I've thought this all along. He is the guy that is very Christian, thinking that the male is supposed to provide for the female. I have a college degree and a career and make more money than him. I felt like that bothered him and put more pressure on him to be better. Plus I'm not going to lie and say that I NEVER talked about marriage or kids, but it was also conversations we had together. He seemed to fight a constant battle of needing/wanting to settle down. He would say how some days he felt like he needed to and other days he didn't. Plus all the guys he hangs out with are either engaged or married and having kids. I guess that puts a lot of pressure on him internally. I just want him to realize how silly this is. Why risk losing a good thing over fear? I love him A LOT. I was SO excited to start a life with him and I thought he felt the same way. I always told him how I wanted to show him that not all females are the same

 

This is quite premature for a man to worry about how talented and high-echeloned you are compared to him. It could have added to the problem but I still think the crux was more the *psychological fitness* discrepancy that got to him. Imagine you're Arnie ....but then you have to stand next to Goliath?...and Goliath is a *woman*, meaning Arnie is supposed to be bigger and fitter? Still feeling big, strong and muscley, are you? Or do you feel uncharacteristically ashamed and shown up even to yourself?

 

Because - again - the better, more life-important the thing is, the more power it holds to HURT YOU.

 

You were probably all-round "too much" for him to handle at this juncture, what with the peer pressure and work pressure *adding* to his coping load. His feelings for you were too strong for him to handle. What would happen if you eventually left him high and dry with those feelings having nowhere to go?....."a-gain!".

 

If he *doesn't* calm down and regain his strength thus *doesn't* come back to you, then - odd as it sounds - he's done the right thing. Cos don't forget... if he'd lost his bottle later on when you were in deeper and had LOST that Que Sera attitude (which you would have, guaranteed), he could have ended up hurting you badly, too!

 

It's ironic that you sit there wondering whether he'll miss you or not. Did it ever occur to you that whatever strength of feeling you have is TEN TIMES greater from his end toward you? Now shine that light onto his text action last night as gives it this meaning: I can't stand the pain; I need to ease it somewhat. Fits, doesn't it. ;-)

 

Now you sit back, keep yourself busy, spoil yourself rotten, and give him time to prove whether he's a superb coper willing to get back into the 'ring' or a crap coper who doesn't dare, at this point in his life.

 

The message you want to convey if/when he calls is: I love you like crazy but where's the point if you're not here TO love like crazy? That would be tantamount to turning the oven on full-blast yet putting nothing in it. What a waste of energy. I'm not *here* to waste my time and energy, I have a life duty to perform... which is to find one of my soulmates that's READY & ABLE, eventually settle down with him and make new people.

 

(Cos there is NOTHING to be ashamed of or have to hide about that fact, gal! Nothing!)

 

The ONLY game one should play in this specific situation is that you're not willing to sacrifice your birthrights or any other rights and privileges, needs, desires in exchange for a lasting relationship...and only if one *has* to pretend... which you, personally don't.

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

I definitely feel like the thought of settling down was scary and he felt he wasn't ready.

[Amandacast57]

Everything you have said makes complete sense to me. I asked him if he was afraid I was going to hurt him and he said no. And in regards to me giving him the space to study...it's hard to think that his thoughts were "how is she ok with me not spending time with her?" or "why doesn't she mind?". At first I would ask to stay one night during the week. depending on his homework load, he would either say yes or no. Then it started to be "No babe, I need to study". Then I stopped asking all together, but it wasn't like I didn't still text or call. I just didn't ask to come over.

 

I'm so up in the air of whether or not he will call. Why would you bet money on it? I keep going back and forth about WHY he sent that unnecessary text. After he broke up with me Wednesday at 5pm, I sent him a text around 8 or 9 basically saying that I think this is stupid, I was looking forward to a life with him, I'm sorry he has so much going on and that I think he's confused and needs time to himself. He didn't respond then so why, a day later, send a sorry text? To make himself feel better? To lower the guilt? After him saying he didn't love me, it's hard to think there was any regret or emotion behind that text.

 

And then the whole "I never loved you". That is crazy to me!!!! He always made it a point that I knew he told it how it was and didn't say things he didn't mean. And going through my phone last night, I found three separate texts that said "loving someone isn't something I do often", "I love you! You are a good woman and good to me! I'm not going to wrong you or hurt you. There are too many things I like about you" and "I'm in love with you and I mean that and I don't want to lose you. I'll make sure you feel that way". So confusing how he doesn't or probably never did love me.

 

I guess I just got the impression that he's this strong-willed, independent, knows what he wants person and since he made the decision to break up with me, why in the world would he ever feel like he made a mistake?!?

 

Oh and he also knows that I have stuff at his house and I have some things of his. I asked about it when he broke up with me and he kind of brushed it off

[Amandacast57]

I'm copying and pasting what I put in a different thread, so I have one place to discuss events that have happened.

 

Within the last few days I've posted about my ex that pretty much broke up with me out of the blue. We argued every now and then but for the most part were pretty happy. When he broke up with me he said he didn't love me, didn't have the time or drive to be in a relationship and basically, it was not fair to me to not get the time and love I deserved. I didn't really beg. I told him I felt he was making a mistake and that I wish he felt differently and he seemed confused and really needed time to himself. Yes, he is VERY busy, but just as I feel as well as everyone else, you make it work if that person means anything to you.

 

So I did my best to move on. He doesn't have a Facebook or any social networking sites so it really isn't an issue of me checking them. I've had a lost of support from my friends and I've told myself over and over that it is 110% his loss. I also didn't think I'd hear from him, since he portrayed himself as the kind of person who didn't chase women or made an effort towards something he didn't want.

 

Thursday evening at 930pm, I got a text from him saying "I just want you to know I'm sorry this happened ". I looked at it and thought seriously?!? You already told me you were sorry on Wednesday when you broke up with me so why is it necessary to send me a text, clearly upsetting me to say you are sorry AGAIN?!? I simply responded that it was his choice so don't be sorry.

 

I've been ok since, sad...thought I wouldn't hear from him again. Well this morning his mom woke me up with a text message saying that she wanted me to know how much she enjoyed getting to know me and she was sorry things didn't work out. About 15 minutes after that, I get a text from him saying that he needed his ref pants since he was going to ref a soccer game later. Ok? You knew this whole week you were reffing, you knew I had the pants and you wait until 10am to tell me you need them? I was nice and told him that I would bring them to him.

 

When I got to his house we talked. I won't go in to every detail but he told me that he just felt like we were butting heads because I wanted to do things that he didn't have time to do. I explained to him that he was assuming my feelings. I never had an issue with the time we spent together. Sure, it was hard right now, but I knew that when the holidays came around or spring break or the summer, that we would have more time together. The lack of time wasn't something that we would deal with forever.

 

He kept trying to hug me. He said that he was having opportunities in his life to do things now that he didn't have before. He was starting to be seen as someone other than a criminal and that that felt good (Hes 31 and got in trouble when he was 21. He spent about a month and a half in jail and when he got out, COMPLETELY turned his life around). I told him when we first started dating that he said that he didn't think he would find someone that was perfect for him and he said he still felt that way, but there was just things he needed to do to himself.

 

He hugged me and kissed me on the forehead and I said "I just want someone to think I'm so great and they were afraid to lose me". He said "Do you really think no one feels that way about you?" and I said "Well its been that way so far". He also said that he would do his part to keep me in his life (weird, because you just broke up with me) but he felt that I would be vindictive and not allow that to happen.

 

Before I left he said "You can take this as you want. I'm not interested in anyone else. I don't want to sleep with other people or date other people. If you can be patient and just take time to go to the gym and focus on work and your friends, things could change" and then leaned in and kissed me.

 

I left.

 

My phone started ringing on the way home. It was him and I answered. He said "So I want you to know, when you said that there isn't anyone that is scared to lose you and thinks you are great, that is not true. Men and women just show their feelings differently".

 

I do know that he has been in contact with at least one ex. They didn't work out because they are COMPLETELY different. He is 31, she is 22 and they live totally different lifestyles. Oh, and she lives in NY.

 

Even looking back, there were times where I questioned "us" myself. I never brought it up or tried to leave just because I felt uncertain at times. ANY time I had second thoughts about us, there was always something that proved to me that we should be together. It felt like one thing that happened in a negative way, he was like "omg, this can't be right".

[Amandacast57]

I fell asleep last night pretty quickly. I slept all the way through until I woke up in a panic at 6:30am. My heart is racing. I can't stop my mind from thinking about him and I spend the next hour before I have to get up tossing and turning thinking about everything and trying to piece together what happened. I feel sick to my stomach and can barely brush my teeth without wanting to throw up. My appetite is hardly there.

 

Last November, my drug addicted bf of 3 years broke up with me. Deep down, I knew it was for the best, as he would never acknowledge his addiction nor be the man I deserved. I'm not even sure why I stayed with him as long as I did but it was most likely that whole that about being addicted to an addict and hoping he would change. It was the first break up that I didn't really have anyone to turn to and I had thought of hatred thinking "How could you, a drug addict, leave me, a college graduate who has their head screwed on tight?!?". I survived, as hard as it was and knew moving forward, that I would be ok if a break-up occurred again.

 

I had not planned on meeting anyone when 2 mutual friends insisted on setting my ex and I up. We exchanged numbers and the texting started there. Before we had even met, we had literally talked about everything, from what our favorite color was, to how many kids we wanted, to our previous relationships, to what we expected out of a relationship. Everything was perfect on paper and I anxiously waited for our first date to see if the attraction was there. It was, eh, kinda, haha. I am usually attracted to the "bad boys", not the guys that come to my house to pick me up for a date and actually wear nice dress clothes rather than sweatpants (like my drug addicted ex). i found myself rejecting him in my head because he wasn't my normal type. I decided to give it a chance and it blossomed from there.

 

It was like we were both what the other was looking for the entire time. He didn't have a lot of money or this awesome professional job but he always said nice things to me, opened the door, cuddled with me, etc.

 

He expressed his fears early on in the relationship. He thought I would cheat on him like all the other girls he dated, find some business man that fit more perfectly in my life (he clearly wasn't listening that he was perfect in my life), that I would leave him once school started back and his time with me decreased, that some days he felt like it was time to settle down and other days he didn't, that his buddies at work were telling him how awful marriage is (they aren't real stand up people anyways) and that marriage would mean no more soccer, no more free time, no more freedom and right after marriage, children IMMEDIATELY.

 

I've been doing the normal thing of a dumpee after a break up and looking back at the relationship to try to figure out what I did wrong. I literally cannot think of anything. I wanted him to know he was special and special to me and would send him cute and funny little pictures like one of a toaster telling the toast "Get in me" and the toast saying "thats hot". I made sure he knew I loved him. I stayed up playing Call of Duty for FOUR HOURS, even though I was tired, because "no one else is as good as me". I went to a professional soccer game in the cold rain so he would have someone to go with. I cooked and clean HIS house so he had more time to study. I supported him when it came to school and never once nagged or complained about the time we spent together. The closest thing to nagging was me saying "I miss you". He always told me I was good for him and that his family thought so as well. Of course we had a fight here and there but overall, we had A LOT in common and we SEEMED to really love each other.

 

When he said "I don't love you", it was the hardest thing for me to comprehend. When my drug addicted ex said he doesn't love me, I believed him. Things were different and how could he love me when he was lying and sneaking around to get his drug fix? I didn't understand how my ex could say he didn't love me when I felt so loved. He said I love you on more than one occasion and I believed him that he wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it. That was not the type of person he was.

 

A week leading up to the break up, he really seemed to struggle with his life. Of course it didn't help, either, that I was worried I was pregnant. He wondered how I could love him when he didn't have the time to love me. He told me how he had not been a good boyfriend because he didn't have the time to do the things he wanted to do for me and that he was tired of feeling like a disappointment in my eyes (he wasn't). He seemed to struggle with whether or not he should settle down. He talked about all the things that he HAD to do, but honesty, playing rec league soccer is a choice and it is hard for me to be sympathetic when he chooses to play soccer 3 or 4 days out of the week. He seemed to struggle with the fact that his younger brother was getting married, moving on with his life, buying a house and no longer his "side-kick".

 

Every day I wake up thinking this is such a mistake. Even in my most realistic state, there is not one thing about him I didn't like or one thing about the relationship that I felt didn't work. He maintained, even now, that he doesn't want to start over with anyone else, that he thinks there are so many wonderful things about me and in a very indirect way, that he is scared to lose me.

 

So now we move on to him messing with my head. He has initiated contacted twice since the break up and one consisted of a bunch of false hopes, "be patient"'s and "I dont want to date anyone and I'm not interested in anyone". He maintained that he had to be selfish and focus on himself.

 

I sit here, wishing he would call. Every day that goes by without hearing from him HURTS, BAD! Some say he will call, I'm scared he won't, but I refuse to initiate contact. I know the feeling of thinking that if you don't call they will forget you, but I refuse to lower myself to "chasing" a man. At the end of the day, this is completely his loss.

 

I just don't know what to think. I don't even know his intentions. Why give me false hope?

[Amandacast57]

When does it get better? It feels like it keeps getting worse. I literally laid in bed last night and cried for hours.

 

What hurts the most is each passing day that I don't hear from him, I feel like he doesnt care. It's so hard for me to comprehend being SO busy and not being as happy with yourself as you like that you get rid of someone who made you happy and supported you. It's not like we broke up and he pointed out things I needed to change about myself other than him saying that he felt like I was impatient and pushed about wanting future things sooner than he was ready.

 

Could this really be that he can't settle down until he accomplishes things for himself? Once he told me I was being pushy, I stopped talking about it but he continued.

 

I remember him telling me when we were breaking up that I was on his mind more than I thought. He said in every situation, like going to the grocery store that he had to think about whether or not he needed to get food for me or did he need to fill up because it's the weekend and we would be doing things or having to stop and do chores before I got there because when I was there, he would be spending time with me. He said it made it really hard to focus because he was thinking about me all the time. So we break up and now he doesn't think about me?!?

 

Giving space is SOOOOO hard

[Limiya]

The only advice i can give is not to hang around waiting for him to make any decisions, or to wait on his beck and call every day. Try and put it in your head that it's over, and start moving on, look after yourself, be selfish for you. Do everything you need to, in order to move on. Don't contact him, just leave him to it.

A lot of guys breakup and leave you on a hook, ready, in case they change their mind. Not thinking about how it feels to be the one waiting and left in limbo land.

Who knows the real reason? You can speculate as much as you like. The fact is he decided for himself, he didn't want a relationship.

So you need to start concentrating on healing. Focus on yourself. It's hard. VERY HARD!! But the longer you're in limbo, waiting, the harder it gets.

 

Limiya

[calichick007]

When does it get better?

 

When you stop ignoring the reason he gave you for the breakup (i.e., he does not love you and never did), in favor of believing it must be for some other reason and racking your brain trying to figure it out. It will never get better until you truly digest and accept what he has told you.

[Amandacast57]

When you stop ignoring the reason he gave you for the breakup (i.e., he does not love you and never did), in favor of believing it must be for some other reason and racking your brain trying to figure it out. It will never get better until you truly digest and accept what he has told you.

 

Trust me, I keep telling myself that if he wanted to be with me, he would be. I keep telling myself that he lied all the times he said how much he loved me and wouldn't hurt me. It is no longer my duty to try to figure things out (even though it is hard) and that any effort moving forward, will have to come from him. If you knew me during my break up with my drug addicted ex, you would see that I am handling this in a much more mature and adult way. I begged my previous ex to take me back. I could barely go a few days without contacting him. I would "accidentally" how up where he was and was out partying in order to take away the pain.

 

The fact that I have not given in and called, even when I REALLY want to, shows how far I have come and grown. Doesn't mean that I don't think "what if he just needs space to take care of himself first?" or "Maybe he just couldn't love me because his mind was too focused on himself and bettering his life", because that is a natural thought process, right?

[Amandacast57]

I tell myself over and over that it is over and people don't really get back together and stay together. People don't ever realize they made a mistake. I tel myself that I deserve better because I'm a good catch. I tell myself that I did nothing wrong and that he does not deserve my love or my want to make my SO happy. There was nothing said about me changing things about me. So this has nothing to do with me.

[mhowe]

I definitely feel like the thought of settling down was scary and he felt he wasn't ready.

 

I think this is it in a nutshell. You were together for 5 months -- and it seemed to be going well. However -- talking about the future in a vague sense, and talking about committing to moving in together in another month are two entirely different things.

 

And he saw his future --- too fast. And so he backed out.

 

I think it is as simple as that. And he feels bad about it -- but he wasn't ready to make a living together 100% of the time decision.

[Amandacast57]

I think this is it in a nutshell. You were together for 5 months -- and it seemed to be going well. However -- talking about the future in a vague sense, and talking about committing to moving in together in another month are two entirely different things.

 

And he saw his future --- too fast. And so he backed out.

 

I think it is as simple as that. And he feels bad about it -- but he wasn't ready to make a living together 100% of the time decision.

 

I will be the first to admit that I am pushy when it comes to getting married. I am 25 (not too young, not too old) and unfortunately, am scared marriage is something that will never happen for me. I spent two and a half years, prior to this relationship, wasted, with a guy who apparently saw no future with me, only the drugs and alcohol that were currently in his face. Friends of mine are already married and have kids and now people must younger than me are getting engaged and married.

 

I took our talks of the future and ran with it. He didn't seem to really mind until it got to be the time of making the actual decision. At first, he brought up living together as well. Months prior, we looked at apartments, we talked about how we would decorate the house, whos furniture we would use, etc. Then, when it literally got to the last second for hm to decide, he starts having all these doubts and "what ifs". When I would actually back off and not talk about marriage or kids, he was more open to it, referencing "our kids" (in the future), etc.

 

My point is, why break up over it? Again, I thought that maybe he got scared because he saw that it could happen with me (based on his behavior and talks we had) and thought "oh crap. shes ready. she wants it now. how will i be able to finish school? will i still be able to do the extracurricular activities that i want to do", etc etc

[mhowe]

Because you kept bringing it up. Again -- vague future is easy to deal with. Getting a place in a month is a concrete reminder that you have one track -- the marriage track in mind...and he did not --- or at least at this time --

 

So yes -- he got scared and broke up with you. Because he saw getting a place together as step one down the road to marriage. And the loss of focus on school, hanging w/ others etc.

[Amandacast57]

Because you kept bringing it up. Again -- vague future is easy to deal with. Getting a place in a month is a concrete reminder that you have one track -- the marriage track in mind...and he did not --- or at least at this time --

 

So yes -- he got scared and broke up with you. Because he saw getting a place together as step one down the road to marriage. And the loss of focus on school, hanging w/ others etc.

 

So what is your advice moving forward? Obviously, I'm going to tell myself this is the end and move on. And if we did ever get back together, I would not bring up ANYTHING regarding the future unless he brought it up. But in your opinion, is this something that he could come back around on? Is this partly an inner conflict with his since his ex fiance cheated on him?

[mhowe]

I think you just move forward. You didn't cheat on him -- so it's not that.

 

This is about turning a 5 month relationship into a ramp for marriage. In my opinion, 5 months is too early to even live together. Especially when one person is still in school.

 

I don't see him coming back around because he knows what your "goal" is --- marriage. And he isn't ready.

[Amandacast57]

I think you just move forward. You didn't cheat on him -- so it's not that.

 

This is about turning a 5 month relationship into a ramp for marriage. In my opinion, 5 months is too early to even live together. Especially when one person is still in school.

 

I don't see him coming back around because he knows what your "goal" is --- marriage. And he isn't ready.

 

I think it is really unfortunate to never consider try again when, other than the pressure, things were great. We had so much in common and really enjoyed our time together. He never really talked about his concerns with me until close to the end. I thought since he was suggesting us living together and did talk about the future with me, that it was ok.

 

It was at the end that he said that it scared him because everyone says how bad marriage is and how he will have to give up everything he likes and I'm sure hes worried that it will end up the same way...with his fiance telling him he would cheat on him. I tried to tell him that even though I'm excited to get marriage, I'm still realistic and want it to be when both of us are ready.

 

And why do you think he said all those things he did after the fact.."I will make the effort to see and talk to you but I'm worried you won't let that happen" or "Just be patient and it will work out" and him indirectly saying he is scared to lose me????

[mhowe]

No --- he is not scared to lose you or he wouldn't have broken up with you.

 

He is scared you won't listen. This is about the speed at which you wanted to live together/get married. He is afraid of it.

 

If you are capable of taking a giant step back, and listening instead of telling him that you are excited to get married....then you might have a future. But I really doubt it. Because you say "when both of us are ready" ==== when you know, absolutely know, he is not.

 

He is willing to be friends right now. Nothing more. And you want more.

[Amandacast57]

I understand what you are saying. It was a mistake I made and I hope that that isn't the end of it all.

 

I know that he felt that if we got a place together that soon after I would expect a ring and then soon after want kids (although kids scare me).

 

That is why I am giving him his space. I want this to be a way for him to see that I'm willing to be patient if that means we can work on things and move forward together. I feel like if I just keep contacting him that I will still be smothering him and not respecting the fact that he wants his life to be in order before he makes a long term commitment.

[mhowe]

I thank your last paragraph is brilliant. Leave him be. If he reaches out to you to do something, say yes if you want.

 

But take "the future" off the table.