Why would he do this?

[Nattersmatter]

Well, of course you did! And don't think this is the first time he's done this, either, just because you happened to spot it on this occasion.

 

This is all part and parcel of a player whose reasons for being such comes inclusively down to having massive mistrust, sense of gross insecurity and, overall, an ego that is still - even two years on from the cheating episode - so over-fixated on the belief that every woman ("b*tch") is secretly out to get him (hence he must avoid any position of vulnerability) that it's controlling his every waking moment. He is an ego on legs!

 

Him having information about you (where you are ergo whom you're with or not during PRIME DATING PERIOD) with which to protect himself whilst simultaneously denying you information by which to protect YOUR self (you *not* knowing his movements/routines), gives him a distinct advantage over you... a means for heading vulnerability off at the pass... staying always one step ahead of you.... which is what you'd EXPECT of a man who is a combatant rather than a teammate.

 

...and it's a GREAT GAME... one that not only feeds his ego ("aren't I clever!") but which gives him a focus and a buzz... again, what you'd *expect* of a man who would rather tantamountedly peel flaking paint than get on with getting himself and his life in order. And by 'life in order', I *don't* mean exclusively practicals. I mean HIS MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL FUNCTIONING. Rather than embrace the emotions connected with that cheating period (and quite possibly any more historical experiences) and through that, UNDERSTAND them and what led to them (including his own part played in it all), he would rather feed his ailing ego and pander to his paranoia.

 

Just like thirst and hunger, emotions are SIGNALS. Signals-come-motivators to *act*. Horrible itches that demand being scratched or, better yet, *treated*.

 

He's like a man whose room once having become infested with wasps and whom ended up being stung badly by one of them, rather than setting about caulking all the holes through which the wasps got in to begin with, would rather keep forever moving about the room, furiously inspecting its skirtings and walls on his hands and knees or up a stepladder to make sure no wasp is in the process of crawling in through any of its holes at any given moment. Is that or is that not *retarded*?

 

Were he to simply caulk the holes, there would be no furious checking and re-checking left to do... and where would THAT leave him? Answer: with *time* on his hands... time for said emotions-laden memories to creep back into mind and compel him to deal with their root cause(s).

 

Like I said before: you're an ego 'chewy'... a distraction... a procrastinatory aid. And that's all you are. HE DOES NOT WANT YOU FOR ANY KIND OF *RELATIONSHIP*, LET ALONE *ROMANTIC*.

 

So I'll ask you *again*: why are you bothering with this... 'thing'?

 

Are you yourself bored?...Are you a frustrated therapist, with him the only 'patient' available to your non-qualified, non-experienced self (and a fairly fascinating one at that)?...Are you - "Like attracts Like" - similarly merely using *him* like he's using you?

 

Get rid of the itch as has you reaching for this ridiculous and ultimately futile scratching aid, Amanda.

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

Well sorry to disappoint him but I'm not a b*tch or a liar or a cheater. He's not going to discover anything by driving by my house at 12:30am. He's not going to have that "point proven" moment. So if he wants to spend his life proving that all women are the same and that they are all out to get him, be my guest.

 

What would he had done if my car wasn't there? I had actually contemplated staying at my moms house last night. What would he have done if I was sitting out on my porch drinking a beer with my roommate? What would he have done if I was just getting home from being out? Pretty ballsy to think so much about what I'M doing to get in his truck and take the risk of me seeing him just to find out what I'm doing. I've NEVER done that to him, even though it has been suggested by a few friends.

 

And how would he not be able to stay one step ahead of me in regards to him knowing my whereabouts? I don't drive to his house to make sure he's there so if he is doing that to me, he's always going to be one step ahead. What am I supposed to do? Never stay at my house?

 

I'm not bored. I'm just a nice person. I don't enjoy this game playing. I just have a hard time not giving people the benefit of the doubt.

[Nattersmatter]

You're a woman, aren't you?

 

He's a lazy ugger. The most HE can be bothered to try to identify as a causal factor is GENDER (- "that'll do...next question (yawn)?"). Either that or he doesn't even know HOW to work anything emotional out ...because he was never made and taught to (- "mummy do it for coochikins").

 

So there you go (or there you are): Guilty before proven innocent, with a reluctance to consider the latter a possibility in the first place.

 

No, he may not get to PROVE anything by driving by your house - after all, even if your car is there, someone (- someone tall and hairy with a deep voice) could have collected you in his car. But humans aren't that single-agenda-ed these days, it's two, three, four... for the price of one action. So in WITH checking on you, he might also - if you happen to clock him (like you did (funny, that)) - get to TAUNT AND PROVOKE YOU. If *you* are the one - trigger or no trigger - initiating contact, then you are the one laying your ego and heart on the line...because only the asker leaves themselves open to rejection and disappointment.

 

But, of course, you *need* a trigger, a prompter, don't you... because we and he have seen what happens when you don't get one: *nothing* (bravo to you, btw!)

 

This is no different to that anonymous phonecall attempt. And I submit (, your Honour) that he didn't just "risk" you seeing him - he made damn sure you *would*... which is why you *did*... which is why you're right now THINKING ABOUT HIM. (Aim, fire, BULLSEYE!!!).

 

How does you being a nice person mean you're incapable of seeing this [eugh-HEUGH!] man, this relationship (or any kind of relationship) with him as FUTILE??????

 

Are nice people automatically stupid and foolhardy, Amanda? They're not, are they. So that's not the reason you keep your mental engagement with him, is it. So if it's not that you're thick and foolhardy (aka self-harming) and it's not that you're morbidly fascinated and enjoying playing amateur therapist, WHAT IS IT?

 

I vant an ansswer [slap-slap!].

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

In the meantime, let's try a little experiment based on the hypothetical situation wherein I'm the only boardie on this forum as well as the only person in the world you can discuss this with:

 

What would you have done if your last message (#277) had gone unanswered by me? And by 'unanswered', I mean - time had lapsed, in which no response had been forthcoming, beyond what is characteristic of me?

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

You're a woman, aren't you?

 

He's a lazy ugger. The most HE can be bothered to try to identify as a causal factor is GENDER (- "that'll do...next question (yawn)?"). Either that or he doesn't even know HOW to work anything emotional out ...because he was never made and taught to (- "mummy do it for coochikins").

 

Pretty sure you are right that he can't work out anything emotionally. Which is why both of us have seen such back and forth. One minute he's doing something positive and the next it's negative.

 

No, he may not get to PROVE anything by driving by your house - after all, even if your car is there, someone (- someone tall and hairy with a deep voice) could have collected you in his car. But humans aren't that single-agenda-ed these days, it's two, three, four... for the price of one action. So in WITH checking on you, he might also - if you happen to clock him (like you did (funny, that)) - get to TAUNT AND PROVOKE YOU. If *you* are the one - trigger or no trigger - initiating contact, then you are the one laying your ego and heart on the line...because only the asker leaves themselves open to rejection and disappointment.

 

Yes, it was funny that I caught him. I live in a clued sac. I'm well aware of who lives in my street and the cars they drive. No one drives a truck with an extremely loud muffler. The second I heard it, I was thinking it was him.

 

This is no different to that anonymous phonecall attempt. And I submit (, your Honour) that he didn't just "risk" you seeing him - he made damn sure you *would*... which is why you *did*... which is why you're right now THINKING ABOUT HIM. (Aim, fire, BULLSEYE!!!).

 

My thinking was opposite of yours. He knows I usually go to bed pretty early. It's very hard for me to stay up past 11pm. But it just so happened this night that I was really into the show I was watching. I felt like he waited so late because he was certain I'd be asleep. Yes, right now I'm thinking about it. But I certainly won't pick up the phone or ask about it. Im just somewhat in shock. I couldn't believe what I saw. HE broke up with me and now he's driving by my house.

 

How does you being a nice person mean you're incapable of seeing this [eugh-HEUGH!] man, this relationship (or any kind of relationship) with him as FUTILE??????

 

I do see it.

 

Are nice people automatically stupid and foolhardy, Amanda? They're not, are they. So that's not the reason you keep your mental engagement with him, is it. So if it's not that you're thick and foolhardy (aka self-harming) and it's not that you're morbidly fascinated and enjoying playing amateur therapist, WHAT IS IT?

 

I think it's me wishing things were different, that instead of late night drive bys and breadcrumbs, that he would just get himself together.

[Amandacast57]

In the meantime, let's try a little experiment based on the hypothetical situation wherein I'm the only boardie on this forum as well as the only person in the world you can discuss this with:

 

What would you have done if your last message (#277) had gone unanswered by me? And by 'unanswered', I mean - time had lapsed, in which no response had been forthcoming, beyond what is characteristic of me?

 

xoxo

 

I would have just written off his drive by and continued on with my life.

[Nattersmatter]

What you THINK he knows is not what he knows... particularly as he HAS known you to stay up past 11... particularly as you'd likely BREAK that rule for a hot date. (I rest me case.)

 

Why are you in shock when I've explained in detail what's going through his head hence what his motivations are?

 

Anyway - no, you *won't* be picking up the phone or asking about it. But if you do see it - what are you planning to DO with that realisation?

 

Re you wishing he'd get himself together.... that brings me nicely back to my experiment. Pray continue with that...

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

We're crossing over - sit on your hands for a min...

 

I would have just written off his drive by and continued on with my life.

 

Sorry? Que? UH? Who's him? I asked you, what would you do if *I* had failed to respond within my characteristic timeframe? So - mwack-mwack-oops, try again Contestant and this time answer the actual question...

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

We're crossing over - sit on your hands for a min...

 

 

 

Sorry? Que? UH? Who's him? I asked you, what would you do if *I* had failed to respond within my characteristic timeframe? So - mwack-mwack-oops, try again Contestant and this time answer the actual question...

 

xoxo

 

Ummmm, I guess I don't understand then, lol

[Nattersmatter]

...or you are you saying, had I failed to respond you wouldn't have done anything further regards seeking a response from me?

[Nattersmatter]

I've got an hour before my roast duck supper is ready, in which to do this 'live'. Use it or lose it.

 

(Back in a min - just got to baste the roasties.) xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I'm back - where are you?

[Nattersmatter]

[drums fingers on desk...]

[Amandacast57]

...or you are you saying, had I failed to respond you wouldn't have done anything further regards seeking a response from me?

 

No, I probably would have sent you a private message

[Nattersmatter]

Exactly!

 

So let's euphemise your access routes as Doors.

 

What would you have done if - Door number 1 having proven futile - you'd tried Door Number 2 (private message) yet STILL gained no response, and assuming for the sake of this exercise you had my home phone number. (LOL, how's *that* for a giant hint?!)

 

xoxo

[Amandacast57]

Exactly!

 

So let's euphemise your access routes as Doors.

 

What would you have done if - Door number 1 having proven futile - you'd tried Door Number 2 (private message) yet STILL gained no response, and assuming for the sake of this exercise you had my home phone number. (LOL, how's *that* for a giant hint?!)

 

xoxo

 

Ok, you ignoring me makes me try harder

[Amandacast57]

He just texted me and said "Good morning I wanted to say hi. Ask what your day consisted of. Let you know I'm here, doing review problems. And that I miss you".

[Nattersmatter]

Can you speed this up a bit please/thank-you?

 

IGNORE - the forum isn't refreshing fast enough.

[Nattersmatter]

Ok, you ignoring me makes me try harder

 

EXACTLY! (by jove, she's got it!) *Dont' touch that dial*

 

Next question: Door Number 3 - my phone - is locked, too. But I live just a few blocks away from you. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?...There is one door left - my front door. You are DETERMINED to get advice from me....SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?

 

xoxo

 

PS: Stuff his text, we're busy! (- to him)

[Nattersmatter]

I repeat - do not, DO NOT, *DO NOTTTT* respond to his text!!!

[Amandacast57]

I haven't said anything

[Nattersmatter]

Good...excellent (and I knew he was going to try this which is, fyi, precisely why I'm here doing this live with you).

 

Get back to my last question - and I want you to cite the SPECIFIC ACTION, not 'I would try harder'. xoxo

[Amandacast57]

Good...excellent (and I knew he was going to try this which is, fyi, precisely why I'm here doing this live with you).

 

Get back to my last question - and I want you to cite the SPECIFIC ACTION, not 'I would try harder'. xoxo

 

I would come to your house. Haha, but I find that a bit stalkerish

[Nattersmatter]

It's not stalkerish because hypothetically we have a relationship. But never mind - your answer is correct!

 

So, Einsteincast57 (;-)).. can you right now extrapolate on that sub-conclusion to the inevitable end conclusion regarding what he will do if you fail to answer doors 1, 2, 3 but have yet to see him try Door Number 4 - your front door?

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

PS: 30 mins left - please try to respond faster.