3 Months NC - Now What?

[leftme]

This is a long post but I believe I do put my fair share of effort to help others in similar positions so please give it a read.

 

I know many of you will instantly say continue but I'm going to write this out anyway... Please offer an opinion (even if it is continue). The no-contact has left me in a position where I can rationally consider this and this will probably be my last question to the forum in the coming months (i prefer to offer support).

 

I'm 22, she's 21. We were together for 4 years. She said she was having doubts for the last 6-8 months but I didn't know (she's the type who bottles her emotions) so obviously a communication issue between us. The last month was her feeling 'unsure' of what she wants etc, after a girls holiday, and probably 3 times almost going on a break so generally uncomfortable to be involved in. There was a group of guys who her best mate was meeting up with on nights out (frequently over the last couple of months) due to recently coming out of a relationship and hooking up with one of them. Another guy in that group and my ex seemed to click and got along really well. He seems to be similar to me in nature (from what I heard of him from her pre-break-up - no snooping done).

 

I think he either supported her to (or the spark with him allowed her to) be in a position to end our relationship (love not 'in-love'). There were some future issues regarding plans to work in different locations but I would be happy to remain in this area with her. She would like to stay in the area as her friends were here and what have you.

 

I'm not delusional, people don't often leave a 'good' relationship for nothing. There had to be impetus. It turns out to be this guy, they're maybe not 'official' gf&bf but are seeing each other. I have been in no-contact with her after giving her a letter explaining the break-up was probably for the best as I had issues to work on and she had only experienced me. Some infrequent contact followed by text to arrange our logistical stuff in the first month. I ended my texts, to end the convo politely with "take care". She was friendly and I probably could have kept our 'friendship' but I needed to heal and they were getting together. I didn't want to be a witness to that.

 

We shared a flat together, which I continue to live in, while she has moved back to mum & dad's. She still pays half of the rent towards this due to the contract we both signed and I am not in a position to move out, although I have told her I'm looking. This is mainly due to finance, inconvenience and other priorities (studying & sorting my life out).

 

I realised I had become co-dependent. I had basically a couple of real friends and hardly socialised outside of university. This became a bigger issue as her social circle grew (best mate becoming single 3 months before the end of ours played a big part in this - after similar start date to the relationship as ours).

 

I see her dad occasionally at football games where we sit together and we remain on very good terms. I myself have drastically changed my social life, I've made many friends, I've booked a skiing holiday with my university (120 people), I've started sports, getting fit and I now live a carefree life. It's all about me. It's been great for me but I do feel a twinge of sadness when I think about her and our demise.

 

NC is great for getting over something and getting yourself back. However, I'd like to talk to her about the flat, be honest and tell her I'm not looking (with my reasons) and ask how we'll arrange splitting the deposit when it is paid back to her account. I'm not really interested in how she's doing or who she's doing but the radio silence we have now had for 10 weeks or so (with her new partner chucked in) has now made this quite an awkward thing to do - I don't want to affect that. The flat is ours (mine) until the end of January. So I have time, I don't plan to act right now or even in the next few days. But how do I tackle this? Will breaking contact set me back? or have adverse affects on us being platonic in the future? I sent her some letters that were posted here a week ago, there was no acknowledgement so I know she's not itching to break it. I know as far as she's concerned she's content with the break-up and not feeling any twinges etc. I really am aware of the reality.

 

I will admit I would like to revisit the relationship. I will also say I understand it's very unlikely and staying together from 17 forever was unlikely and isn't that healthy either. I'm ok with that, I'm ok with me, alone, or me with someone else.

 

I really don't know. I think this thread might help settle this last niggle - the only unresolved issue that continues to take up brain space.

 

Thank you

[indea08]

How do you tackle this: I would say something simple. Email or text asking her if you guys could discuss your plans for January when the lease is up. Suggest a phone call, or if you can, handle it through email.This deals with the issue without you having to get too involved.

Will breaking NC set you back: Probably slightly, yes. She'll probably cross your mind more often, you may get some butterflies...but if you were strong enough to go NC after the breakup and heal, you'll be able to handle it this time. You seems to have handled this really well, especially for a first relationship starting so young and lasting so long. Major credit to you.

[markie6]

Well she knows the lease is up at the end of January , but the bigger obstacle coming up soon is Christmas... which will trigger lots of memories for lots of people ( imagine if you will the birthday text hypothesis x 10,000) It will probably be a better time to approach the subject nearer then , rather than get hit with the inevitable setback when you have to contact her , and then Christmas causing problems ( I anticipate it will for loads of us ) with emotions running wild. That would be my biggest concern right now, the timing.

 

You are unlikely to be friends in the future ( it is possible but most of us are the rule, not the exception we believe ) so don't think too much about far into the future, most make it to aquaintances at best. There isn't anything you can do to force any friendship , you take it as it comes , so don't let any thoughts about might be's .. or could be's affect you now.

 

So maybe combine the issue with the flat , nearer to Christmas and then at least you won't have a double whammy. Phone call nearer that time or email ... Christmas wishes and could we discuss what we're going to do with the flat deposit etc... and let her raise any further points should she wish. I'd do your best to keep it business like , she knows how you feel from your letter and we don't really know how her life is right now, so best to leave her to it. Most people don't like an ex checking in while they are with somebody new, many trains of thought that you end up pushing them closer together, so well done for keeping your NC going

 

Obviously , at some point if she doesn't reach out to you for a recon, you're going to have to decide to go all in ... or walk away and totaly leave it up to her. Some prefer to try and know they tried , others will be happier to just leave it all out there and cross any bridges should they appear. From my perspective , radio silence is best rather than the very real risk of pushing them further away with premature contact, which only serves to highlight to them you're not healed, still hung up on them and haven't accepted it's over. Far healther for both parties to have had a decent amount of time apart , perhaps a failed rs ... and plenty of thinking time.

 

So combine the issue of the flat , with a Christmas wish ... and then leave her be would be my advice. Chrismas will ... cause upheaval emotionally for those who haven't experienced it alone and heartbroken. No need to get a setback before then , and then go through the holiday period.

 

NC is rough , but extremely vital and you shouldn't be thinking about when to reach out , far better for you emotionally to be on your way with your new life and that way you won't have wasted any time waiting which a lot of people have a tendency to do. Moving on, giving up , abandoning hope has no bearing on any chances for the future, that future is always uncertain, embrace the fact that nobody can tell you what will be and it will help you sleep better. You can only control your own destiny... and that is hard enough for most of us

 

You've done well so far , the letter would have been enough for her to know how you felt, chances are if she doesn't reach out at all , it's because she doesn't want to. No excuses for her ... that's the way it is

[leftme]

Thank you markie6. That post is awesome and provided a totally different perspective, Christmas is something I hadn’t really given much thought to! I’ll do as you say, business like email which offers a brief Merry Christmas at the end.

 

I guess friend’s was a silly thing to say, acquaintances would be grand. I would like to feel comfortable bumping into her and not feel the need to turn on my heels and run. But I know that could take years to occur or even happen – if at all.

 

I see people arranging coffee dates etc but I think that’s madness and awfully desperate looking unless it’s the dumper who suggests it. I’m not even that fussed about re-doing the relationship if she never raises the idea. I certainly won’t be chasing her and the very real reality is that she possibly marries this guy and they never divorce or do so in 15 years time... Only a fool would wait around to find out.

 

I now filter out the crazy advice I originally looked for (get your ex back) and now focus on the good advice (get yourself back). I socialise as much as possible. I concentrate on the positives and I’m doing my best to be ‘awesome’.

 

In reality, as much as I would like her back (who she was – not who she is now) it’s through this process I’ll attract someone who I will be happy with. Only through benefiting myself will I actually be happy at the end of this experience. It’s an experience that will always stay with me and it’s an experience that will always be of great importance to my future.

 

There’s good in everything, we just need to find it. Thank you.