Married too soon?

[Skydiver8]

This is my first post, but everyone here seems very helpful and friendly.

 

Here's my situation. I've been married 4 years, together almost 6. My now-husband was my first long-term relationship. I was/am what you'd might call a "late bloomer". I had no self-confidence in high school and college, and I was never attractive to men (probably for that reason). I never even had a boyfriend until my junior year of college.

 

I met my husband when I was 23, and looking back, I think I was just so grateful and happy that there was a person that actually was interested in me that I had no problem saying yes when he proposed. I know getting married to bolster my self esteem is not a good reason, but at the time, I really did think I loved him. I'm not sure why I've waited so long to question my motives for getting married...we've been growing apart for a while now.

 

I think now that I was incredibly naive when I got married. I just jumped at a chance that I thought would never come along again. Now I feel like I missed a huge part of life. I was so angry when I was engaged and my parents warned me about this very thing...now I feel like I have to admit that they were right.

 

The problem is, he's still my best friend, I just don't think I love him anymore. It's like we're roomates who trust each other completely, but the love and companionship I'd expect from a marriage isn't there. Our sex life was never all that active, but now it's almost non-existant, and I don't mind.

 

I am devastated to say it, but I actually regret my marriage. I think I haven't wanted to face it before this because I'm scared at what the outcome will be, but I'm not happy.

 

Anyone have any experience or advice or a way to help me feel better?

 

Thanks.

[lonelyOhio]

I'm sitting here reading this and just nodding my head all throughout it.

 

I married my wife 8 years ago, and we will be together 10 years in December and I feel the same way.

 

I'm not sure what to say, except that from what I understand you don't have any children right?

 

This makes everything easier for you.

 

You should discuss things, openly, with him.

 

What do you want to do with your life? Have you been striving for that goal, or has it been curbed since your marriage?

 

Do you two do anything together?

Do you work scedules allow time together?

 

Deep down you probably still love him, but it's just not the same.

 

I totally understand.

 

I wish you luck in this, as I am still trying to find the answers to my questions myself.

 

-S

[sisterlynch]

We all hit a place in life where we feel disturbed by something that you can't put your finger on and the best thing to do is go to the therapist that can help you to talk over your options.

[ff2afewyearslater]

Dear Skydiver8,

I'm going through the same thing. Married for 5 years, I got married just a few days after I turned 22. Now I'm older and a little wiser. Sex? What sex? I can't even remember the last time.....

 

I love my husband. He is good to me, sweet and kind but what little spark was there at the beginning some 6 1/2 years ago has long since gone out. I don't know if it can ever be lit again. Everyone goes through hard times, but month after month and year after year of feeling the same way...you have to ask yourself is this what marriage is all about? I refuse to believe that every married person out there feels this way about their spouse.

 

I have tried to talk to him, as recently as this weekend, about our problems. He won't admit we have problems, just says I'm going through my annual "seasonal depression" phase and I'll be fine in a few weeks. How can not having sex for months at a time not be a real problem? Or how can going out to dinner and having absolutely nothing to say to each other not be a problem? Don't blame it on my mood, or the seasons changing! If I was happy, my mood would be better regardless of the season.

 

But the alternative is the unknown, which is terrifying when you went straight from mom & dad's house to a college roommate situation, to being married. Suddenly, the thought of packing up your stuff and moving to some crummy apartment accross town with your cat isn't so glamorous. You try to talk to people at work but no one wants to get involved, especially if they know your spouse. I told a couple of people that we had decided to do a trial separation and they treat me like I have a disease. And telling the family....wow, I can think of a thousand things I'd rather do. The worst is when my Dad will inevitably say "I told you so" (which he did).

 

Sounds like you and me are in the same place. You can either go over the edge and strike out on your own, or give it one last try. But if you are anything like me, you have decided you can't stand the thought of feeling this way the rest of your life.

 

I'm taking it day by day now. trying to decide if it is better to live on the top floor and the husband in the basement while we are "separated" or whatever, or should I swallow my pride and move into my friend's basement and make a clean break.

 

Sorry, i guess this isn't so much advice as it is sympathy. I feel for you, I know what you are going through.

[Skydiver8]

ff2, you and I could be the same person! I have also tried talking to my husband, but like a man, he goes immediately into "fix-it" mode and stops listening to me.

 

I know he's trying to help, and I know he wants to save this marriage, so I think we're going to try counseling first. I am very sad, mainly because I know this is mostly my fault for not being as well-adjusted as I thought I was. Maybe counseling can help me get to a place where I can make the right decision about what to do that's best for both of us.

 

He deserves a lot better than what I can give him right now. He wants kids, but there's no way I can even fathom that possibility.

 

But actually ending it is very scary. I can't imagine what I would do because like it or not, I've come to depend on him.

 

I haven't even thought about how to tell my family yet...I know my dad will say "I told you so" because, well, he DID.

 

I'll take the sympathy, too, because knowing there are others out there going through the same thing makes it easier.

[dreamweaverdude]

Sky I understand

i'm older i'm sure at 45 i've been married 20 years and I di d the same thing. Never had a lot of self confidence and when someone showed me attention i ate it up and was married after a 3 month courtship. LOL.. now the laughter has died down... do I regret it.. heck yes... i wsn't ready for it..... even at 25....... i was so wanting somone i overlooked things i'd not overlook now... I thought I could change her LOL...... boy have i learned the hard way........

 

ANd my ' marriage' has been an existence for over 10 years.... good luck

[theusual]

Thank god I found some other people feeling the same way! I've been doing so many searches online about this sort of situation!!!!

 

I know exactly where you are coming from! I am 26, this is my 2nd marriage. My previous marriage I was only 20! That relationship WASN'T my fault at the end, of course, that time he was a compulsive liar. It was soooo hard to get out of that relationship. But in some ways a lot easier than now. Now, I have a 2 year old and a house. Before I had nothing! (married less than 1 year legally). Now I have been married for 2 years. I believe we rushed things a bit too fast. 6 months after we met, we got married. It was a point in my life I was getting things back in order and was really striving for ME. I wasn't looking for anyone. And none-the-less, for a husband. It just kind of happened!

 

Anyhow, my husband is really a good guy. I feel really bad for him at this moment. I really know what it's like to be in his shoes, because I had already been there 6 years ago! So for me, now it's harder because I know BOTH sides of the situation. For some odd reason, everyone just thinks it's just a matter of a switch and you will be fine. I feel like I am married to my friend/roommate! I hate it. It's sooooooooo frustrating. I don't work, I stay home, which makes it even worse! I'm a very outgoing social person who needs people around me. And since we married. I moved 1.5 hours away from family and friends. And I haven't made new friends in my new area. So in a way, a lot of your are lucky because you have friends and family to discuss this too. I really don't have anyone except someone i met 1 year ago who lives near me. But I almost can't tell her anything since she lives so close! A few others know, he knows, but not all in great detail.

 

It actually all started just after we got married. I just became less and less attracted to him or something. I'm still unsure why. We went on a big Europe trip, thinking that will bring me back. Well, unfortunately, it didn't. I feel so bad. I snap at him so easily and sometimes I just feel so alone. He understands to a point where I am at. I have discussed all of it with him. There is no sex life. I'm happy with that, but he isn't. He doesn't bother me so much about it nowadays as much. People I have talked to say you have to give and take a little. Like as in.... DO IT with him. "he need's it"... why does he need it???? For me, it's not that important. I can go on all my life without it. (god am I saying that for real? LOL I never used to think this way!) I am not the type of person that gives in easily. I always put up a fight. Plus, this is something I believe that has nothing to do with the REAL end of the relationship, so why mess it up more. It doesn't do anything for neither of us. Just a 10 min satisfaction for him. And if I did do "it".. he will think everything is fine again. And I don't want him to think that. Because it isn't!

 

I think if I was working FT, I would have been gone already. I'm really not into settling it either. I don't know why. I think I have just gotten to the point where I feel I'm just not the marrying person, though that is what I have always drived on in the past. (I was one of those that hurried to be an adult... ughhh why was I such in a rush?!) He has NEVER done anything to me to make me this way, except maybe be there TOO much for me. He supports me in every way, etc.. But sometimes I think he makes things too easy for me. My parents were always VERY strict. Everything was orderly. Everything was planned. And they made things VERY hard on me. My teenage years basically were NEVER good enough for them. I did have a hard time my senior year because my father cheated. I almost dropped out of school and such. Always went out with older guys (I'm 26, my hubby is 33 my ex is now 36.. etc..) I know this all has to do with my dad did to the family. Exactly what it did to me, is still unknown at this point. I have done counseling in my past because of my parents maritual problems, along with me coping with it. I was more mad at my mom for staying with him.. anyhow, I know the counseling procedures, I'm very analytical myself. I really don't feel I have the need for it at this time. Which I am sure he would love to go do.

 

I think to a point, I am upset with him because he came into my life at a VERY bad time. It was the first time in my life I was thinking of ONLY me and taking care of ONLY me! Before that, I always relied on other guys. Whether it be moving in with them, having them help me pay my bills (since I never got to finish college).. etc.. I know a lot of this strings onto my dad. I have always vowed that I would not cheat. And at this point of my life, and my marriage, I'm getting to the point where I am really enjoying flirting with men. And I'm making it a point to go out as often as possible to be near them! Or I make sure I look really good when I go anywhere (store, gas station, neighbors, etc..) I really don't want to ever hurt my husband though. Nor do I ever want to go to heck from cheating. But it's getting pretty bad. As I said, he is a good guy with a great heart. I guarantee he is the man everyone ever dreamed of marrying when they got older! Unfortunately, for me, I still like life's challenges, and he doesn't leave any doors open.

 

So my biggest question is... WHY am I being this way? Why can't I enjoy the fact that I do not have to work. I can come and go as I please and go shopping and buy whatever I want whenever I want it???? I know for a fact, if I left him, I wouldn't have anywhere to go. And where I live, there aren't any decent jobs that pay. When I did work before, I was able to support myself. But that area has gone up so high in price, and I haven't worked for 2 years! I just don't know what to do.

[baddasslegend92]

This is what I don't understand about woman and some cases men.Now if you know that you have a good man/woman that is taking care of you,why would you mess that up.Good men/woman are hard to find..I was once a good man and was married,But my wife was the same way.Wanted more,wanted to be out there,Use exuses that I was not attractive anymore so we could not have sex etc etc,other people didn't think that...Now that we are not together anymore she realized what she lost.I am a diffrent man now,I am no longer the good guy because of situations like this.Trust me when I tell you!! there is nothing out there. So you might as well work on what you already have and stop being so selfish.From this point on id rather be single for the rest of my life because over time it seems like every relationship ends where one person may not feel the same about the other.Why this happened? Beats me.

[wendella]

are just not willing to compromise and do the work, all realtionships are wok and the fire must be fanned even when you dont mean it be nice and try and things will get better

[wendella]

The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of

 

 

Recently, I got an email from a woman who had all the "right stuff" in her marriage. However, after many years in this union, she was deeply unhappy and in a state of despair. How could this be? With all this stuff going on, there must be love in there somewhere. (Just as the young boy said when confronted with a pile of manure, "There must be a pony in here.") She and her husband had a nice home, fancy cars and a good income. But, the key is that none of these things had anything to do with love. They're just things.

 

It often seems we want to get into relationships for love, but we end up staying because of "stuff." Stuff is how we measure our successes. Stuff is how others judge us. We get so attached to our stuff that we are willing to put up with misery and pain. We are willing to trade our happiness just to hold on to the stuff. In fact, we're paying for it with our lives. Are you really willing to sell your soul for a duplex?

 

Look, I know it's not that simple. I know (from experience) that when you're entwined financially in a relationship it's very hard to unravel. It has taken you years to set up the household, the routine and the utilities. But, are the television and stereo really more valuable than the fulfillment of your own life? Do you really want to make a dining room set the battleground for your frustration?

 

I know starting all over again is expensive and time consuming. I've been there. I had some really cool stuff, and now I don't anymore. But, now I have other stuff. And, most importantly, I have my happiness and peace of mind.

 

After I left the 3-bedroom house (filled with designer Italian furniture and a stereo that cost as much as the price of a small car) and moved into a little apartment with a futon and cushions on the floor, I couldn't have been happier. I did a little dance. I had less of everything, except contentment. And, that was worth everything to me.

 

If you stay in a relationship because you're afraid of losing the "stuff," you're making a very bad trade. If I've said it once, I've said it 4,978,543 times (or thereabouts), everything in life is a trade-off. Stay in an unhappy relationship because of the stuff, and you'll have things but no happiness. Leave the relationship and the stuff for happiness, and accept you might have an uphill slog to get everything back. The decision is yours. The life is yours.

 

There is ALWAYS an alternative, always a choice you can make. Of course we'd like it to be easy and painless, but it probably won't be. There is generally always a cost associated with change, one way or another. But what is that compared to the cost of a life stuck in the molasses of misery?

 

I just think life is too short to spend unhappy. How productive can you be, how much love can you give to your friends or children if you're miserable yourself? As far as I know, we only get one go-round on this planet. Don't waste another day. Show the world what stuff you're made of.

[baddasslegend92]

Wow wandella!!! That was deep.I felt the same way in my situation..I had this big home, many cars and expensive furniture when I was married.One day thing has gotten so bad that's I would go in the other room and cry to god and ask why me..Talking to other people did not help because all they thought about was the cars house etc.I had to sit down and think was it really worth staying in this relationship or be free..I chose to be free and left her with everything.It took 2 years but I started over with a new home that I bought myself.Wandella you hit it right on the nose,Do what ever you think is right to make you happy. You only have one life.Life is too short for misery.

[Scottrn]

The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of

 

 

 

I just think life is too short to spend unhappy. How productive can you be, how much love can you give to your friends or children if you're miserable yourself? As far as I know, we only get one go-round on this planet. Don't waste another day. Show the world what stuff you're made of.

 

Thats good stuff! Ive been reading here for 2 months now(since I left) but this is my first post. This site has been a Godsend! Just to know I'm not alone.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

[savannahohsavannah]

I am not married. I have friends who have been married for years, who rarely and never have sex anymore. In my bf/gf relationships, I've found that any type of halt to the sexual component of a relationship bodes no good. I usually don't agree with therapy, but I see that you do need some, for yourself to deal with your self-esteem issues. You could also do things to help boost your self confidence. Do things successfully, enjoy even your small successes. Let them act as a way to find your worth. All of life is small acts that build each day!

[mazurka]

Hi,

 

I have been on the recieving end of what you would term the "falling of love" of my partner of 7 years(Married for 3). Its been 8 months since we split and 5 since we decided to divorce and I have only let myself have rudimentary contact as I am still pretty hurt about the whole thing because It pretty hard to accept how a person you trsuted and loved could just forsake you and leave because they are not sure or any other ambigious feedback you get when the afflicted party is dealing with her loss of feeling.

 

Unlike most here I never really had a problem with sex but it was clear even though I was denying it that there where cracks starting to appear. It is difficult for a man to accept that a relationship with someone he loves is falling apart and I think soemtimes , overcompensation takes place which could create more of a sense of claustraphobia and more of a desire for the affected party to want to leave the relationship.

 

Its difficult for a man to accept, if he was loving and caring, that the person does not want to be in the relationship anymore even though they still care for and quite possibly still love him.

 

We where quite young when we got together me 24 her 18 and I think that maybye it was the old chestnut "the age thing" that broke us apart(I was 31 she 25 when she left).

 

There was no fighting, no fuss, and it was almost as though it was just "time to move on".

 

I took it very hard afterward becuase I didnt really understand the feelings she was feeling, as many of you have described here, and the feeling of inner conflict that arise from them and the way they manifest themselves in the actions of the affected party.

 

I am starting to understand which makes it easier to accept the situation although I am relatively sure we will never be together again there will always be a small bit of my heart which loves her and I will always appreciate the time we had together but its now time to look forward.

 

To the girls, from my experience honesty is the best policy and it may intially hurt more in the long term, a man will respect a woman more who is honest about her feelings than a woman who is vague and ambigious for fear of hurting him. (As in my case)

[kuiks8]

I am sitting here unable to go to bed b/c i feel deceptive in sleeping in the same bed with my husband when i have so many doubts and i was so upset that i just took a chance and typed married too soon in to google and this post came up. I am soo glad i found it b/c it is soo good to know I am not alone!

My husband and I met online. We talked for a couple months before we met and then we were engaged 6 mos after meeting. We then spent the next 9mos completely focused on the wedding. The day after the wedding we left on our honeymoon and i didn't leave the room for the entire time and not because we were making mad passionate love but because i couldn't face the world. When we returned from our honeymoon i went in to a deep depression and had to quit my job. We have now been married for a year and three months and I have so many doubts and even more questions. Why didn't I listen to all the people who said that you can't know after only 6 months, that it was infatuation. Why didn't i listen to myself when certain things triggered alarms in my head? Why did I think I could put sex on the back burner, why didn't i believe that true intimacy and sexual chemistry is important?

I love my husband, I have so much respect and admiration from him because he truly is a wonderful man. But I feel like I am living with a roommate, a friend not my lover.

I look around and I have what would appear to be a perfect life and yet each night i stay up late too anxious to go to bed scared that I have made a huge mistake and don't know how to get out. Yes part of it is the stuff, I like being able to buy clothes whenever I want and to get my hair done at the nice salon. I like driving a nice vehicle and having a nice house but I think my greatest fear is what my family will think and what will happen if I am alone. I am pretty sure if I left my wonderful husband, the man that everyone admires that I would find little support especially from my family. I don't have a career. I have a couple part time jobs and I hardly contribute to the "family" income at all. And what if what that man said was true...what if after all this I leave this seemingly perfect life and find out I was wrong. What if I found out I couldn't be on my own. What if happiness still evaded me and I came to an even darker place?

How do i find peace amidst these constant doubts?

[richmonder80]

Instead of wondering and second guessing yourself that you made a wrong decision, why don't you try to improve your marriage??? I don't understand!! NO ONE IS PERFECT! Go to counseling and express what is lacking in your marriage and see if you could improve it. It sounds too me he is great in all parts but lack sexual chemistry...is it just his looks? his size? frequency of encounter? What is it? Why do people give up so easily in marriage? Give it a chance, no marriage is perfect, you have to work at it. Do you think the next guy you meet is going to be better??

 

Go to counseling and dont be a coward in taking the easy way out. If you really do love him and sex is the only lacking aspect, your marriage can work.

[surfjon]

When we started dating and fell in love, she was 18 and I was 20.

 

We married at 21/23.

 

We had our daughter at 24/26 and son at 27/29.

 

We are now 40/42

 

She left 6 months ago and saw an attorney yesterday to dissolve our marriage.

This has been the worst 6 months I could ever imagine, pure and true pain and anguish.

 

In our modern era, these early-on long-term marriages don't last. There are too many factors that contribute to the fact that they will eventually fail.

[John Bendix]

I agree with Richmonder and surf on this. There are alot of factors that come into play. If there is a nice man that you have married, you owe it to him and yourself to investigate all of the factors causing you to question your feelings. Feelings that are only reactions to your perception of your life situation.

 

Feelings do change. In fact, they dissapate quickly and a new one can be caused to appear that may be similiar or different depending on your reaction to your thoughts or to other emotions (in feedback to the mind). I quote the man who was asked why his marriage of more than 50 years was still going strong. He responded, "We never fell out of love at the same time."

 

When you mention depression, are you talking about being down or clinical depression? "Depression causes divorce as often as divorce causes depression". Is it a factor?

[kuiks8]

Instead of wondering and second guessing yourself that you made a wrong decision, why don't you try to improve your marriage??? I don't understand!! NO ONE IS PERFECT! Go to counseling and express what is lacking in your marriage and see if you could improve it. It sounds too me he is great in all parts but lack sexual chemistry...is it just his looks? his size? frequency of encounter? What is it? Why do people give up so easily in marriage? Give it a chance, no marriage is perfect, you have to work at it. Do you think the next guy you meet is going to be better??

 

Go to counseling and dont be a coward in taking the easy way out. If you really do love him and sex is the only lacking aspect, your marriage can work.

 

I am sorry if I made it sound like the only place we are lacking is sexually. My husband and I are very different people. I am a very deep spiritual person, I take on the world, I like to be aware of what is going on, I am very active in a charity that supports orphans in Latin America, I grew up in a christian home where I was taught to think about others before myself. I was brought up knowing that there is more to this life then pleasure seeking. I strive to live a purpose filled life. When I watch movies and tv shows and the news I am impacted by the hate and malice in our world. My husband on the other hand is the most level person I know, before meeting me he had never even really heard of the bible. He had never given to charity or thought much of teh world around him and as much as he tries he remains stoic and unaffected. When i try to talk to him about serious issues in the world, or even closer serious issues in my immediate circle he changes the subject to cars or work or something equally trivial. He doesn't read the newspaper, he doesn't listen to the news, he has little to no interest in learning whereas I am constantly reading and striving to know more...

You are right if our issues were purely sexual that would be one thing. But I am a year and 6 months in to a marriage that seems to be eating away at both of our souls. I am a fading version of the person I want to be in this marriage. I haven't really recognized myself since our honeymoon. More often then not my husband says things like I have never been like this before and its not in good ways. We are both individually good people but we seem to be unable to motivate, nourish and uphold the other person. So my question would be if I see this now 1 year and 6 mos in...what do i do? I don't want to be 10 years down the road and finally realize it isn't right and know that I knew that 1 year in...

[kuiks8]

see that is my thing. I don't want to end up at 40 and still feel unhappy and know that I wasted so much time.

[surfjon]

well, get out now because me and my wife probably should've ended things 10 years ago. It was starting to go downhill then.

[kuiks8]

what did you mean when you said:

n our modern era, these early-on long-term marriages don't last. There are too many factors that contribute to the fact that they will eventually fail?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You need to be working on making your marriage better and living the life you want, or working on breaking up and finding the life you do want.

 

Many people feel discontented in marriage, but do nothing. When you do that, it takes the line of least resistance, which is down or worse as a rule. Some people handle this by focusing on kids or jobs or things outside the marriage. But you need to really think about what you want, and what it will take to improve this situation.

 

Lots of people make the mistake to bring children into the marriage when the marriage is lacking, but that just complicates things. So you need to accept that you need to work on the marriage (with couples counseling if necessary), or recognize that he and the marriage are not what you want, and quit wasting time.

[j0shua]

i believe people should step up and take responsibility for their actions. if you get married, depending on your beliefs, it should be for life barring abuse or infidelity. if you are 'too young' you still took the dive and you should accept it rather than bail out for 'greener grasses.' i feel like that is a selfish and lazy way to deal w/ the lives of yourselves and others.

 

everyone 'falls out of love', everyone loses the spark of initial contact. as it has been said before, marriage is hard work and of course it is. how can you be so intertwined and around someone day in and out without getting annoyed or knowing just about all there is to know about them? but the more you see yourself as 'out of love' the more you will be. focus on the positive things and communicate about the negative. let them know THIS IS A REALLY BIG DEAL I AM THINKING OF DIVORCE, and that should get their attention. if not, then get yourself into counseling and beg them to go as well.

 

marriage should be stable and safe, allowing you both to explore the world and yourselves in appropriate ways with the safety net of a loving, comforting partner. things will be tough at times, there will be some distance, but again 'how could there not be?' - life would be insane if we were madly in love all the time, we need space for ourselves.

 

but im getting a divorce i didnt want, so what do i know? lol.

 

a lot of this is based on your religious and social beliefs, some people just dont put that much stock in the concept of marriage or monogamy, personally, i do.

[kuiks8]

so why are you getting divorced then?