Problem with my partner regarding splitting up work around the house

[Anderson Silva]

I've been living with my girlfriend for the past three years and we are getting married in the spring. One thing that we have always struggled with was being productive domestically. To elaborate, my girlfriend is the type of person who places things wherever and isn't bothered if things are on the floor or out of place. Me on the other hand am more organized and like to keep things clean just because I feel better when things are put away and it makes cleaning weekly easier. I do understand we are different in that regard and it's something we have to comprimise on. We have other issues which include eating out too much, which is expensive and not really healthy. We throw away at least half of the food we buy, we get optimistic that we will eat at home and cook and buy a montain of groceries only most of which expire and bags of food go down the garbage which is sad. We also don't have our financial roles ironed out fully but that's another topic and in general we just don't run our household fluently.

 

After the first few months of living with her in a shared apartment, I found myslef always doing majority of the house work. I admit none of us have really cooked and if anything she would cook more often but still very rarely but I would say I provided more of the food by buying us dinner when there was nothing to eat or none of us felt like cooking. Well the main issue was with cleaning which I found myslef doing majority of. Evetually, I found myself doing majority of the stuff around our place and this caused resentment to buid up inside me and so it did over the next couple of years. Well finally three months ago I just snapped. I was working longer hours at my job, had a much longer commute to and from work than she did basically I would come home between 6 or 7pm while she would finish work at 4pm and be home by 4:30. Yet still no food would be made and we would have to eat out or order in. Come the weekend I would get frustrated from all the stuff just dirty and clustered around and would spend half a saturday cleaning while she was out running her own errands. I would vaccuum, dust, put stuff away, throw out garbage, do the dishes, scrub the bathroom, the whole works. Well one day she came home and was happy that I cleaned as usual but right away threw her purse on the middle of the living room and her boots all over the hall way and dumped a pile of random bags all over the place in less than a minute. And that's when I snapped and had the talk with her.

 

Basically I told her that I am not happy with our living situation and our domestic responsibilities have to be agreed on. We made a list of all the things that we both agree need to be done around the place and we mutually agreed that our chores would be broken up like this: I would be responsible for cleaning the whole apartment from floor to ceiling on a weekly basis and make sure it stays relatively clean during the week. She on the other hand agreed to do and put away both of our laundry once a week and prepare dinner at least a couple of times a week. She would also be responsible for keeping track of what we have in the fridge so that we can manage our food better and reduce waste. At the end of the conversation I was happy we came to a comprimise although given my longer work hours and much longer commute I still felt I had much less time to relax than she did.

 

Well a few months have gone by and I have diligently kept my end of the bargain. Each and every saturday with out exception I took half a day to clean the whole apartment and during the week would spend a couple of minutes daily just straighting stuff out. She on the other hand has cooked maybe a total of four times in the past three months which meant I still had to order in. What's worse is that still she had a hard time figuring out what we need in terms of food and most of what we are buying now still ends up in the garbage. Although she starts the laundry on the weekend it isn't until wednesday that most of it is done and even then half of it is in a pile making my life miserable if I have to find a pair of socks at 6:30am. And in general I always feel like I have to push her to do these things although she enjoys the luxury of me cleaning the condo without having to say a word. Now I'm starting to get worked up again because there is always some new excuse why she can't prepare even a basic meal or do the laundry. She's either tired, or has a headache, or is on her period, or has to do something else and there always seem to be excuses why things don't get done. Yet I have been dealing with a painful injury for the past year yet I still fight it through and always clean.

 

Ladies and gents I really don't know what to do next about this. Can anyone give me some advice on how I can motivate her to help out more? I feel overwhelmed with this.

[paperboy48]

Ok, listen very carefully...if you truly love this woman and her domestications (or there lack of) are pretty much the only thing that bothers you about her, let it go. Accept the fact that not everything is going to be neat, tidy and clean in your place. Instead focus on all of the things you like about this person, spend more time with her. cuddle her, tell her you lover her, go places with her. "Don't sweat the small stuff"

 

The reason i tell you this is because I lost a 16-year realtionship mainly for this very same reason. I'd give my right-arm to have her un-organized, sometimes sloppy ways back. I didn't relaize this until it was too late...there are way more important thins in life then a clean organized house or apartment.

 

I'm serious!!

[pl3asehelp]

You've done what you can. You had the talk. Now she's disrespecting you and using you. She obviously doesn't care for you much to treat you this way. She'll continue this way as long as you let it go on. She didn't have to agree to do her part, but she did, so it's no longer just about her being sloppy. It's about breaking promises and disregarding you and your feelings. If she loved you, she would not behave this way towards you.

 

There's something severely wrong if you cling to a relationship like this. Sucking it up and doing her job for her is not an option. Whoever has kids with this woman will die of exhaustion.

[Anderson Silva]

Ok, listen very carefully...if you truly love this woman and her domestications (or there lack of) are pretty much the only thing that bothers you about her, let it go. Accept the fact that not everything is going to be neat, tidy and clean in your place. Instead focus on all of the things you like about this person, spend more time with her. cuddle her, tell her you lover her, go places with her. "Don't sweat the small stuff"

 

The reason i tell you this is because I lost a 16-year realtionship mainly for this very same reason. I'd give my right-arm to have her un-organized, sometimes sloppy ways back. I didn't relaize this until it was too late...there are way more important thins in life then a clean organized house or apartment.

 

I'm serious!!

 

Sorry can't let that go. If someone told me that for the rest of our lives together I will be the one working longer hours at work, doing majority of the house work, providing mostly for our food, and throwing food down the garbage I would exit from the relationship no matter how "in love" I am with this person or not. I understand not having to have to be super neat but if I have to search through a pile one meter high of wrinkled clothing to find a sock on a daily basis I can't live that way. I believe in comprimise or I'd rather be alone no matter how much love there is. But thanks for the advice

[itsallgrand]

That is a sweet deal too that you struck with her! I'd love that deal - some laundry and some cooking and in exchange someone does the cleaning! More than fair.

 

How was she prior to moving in with you? She might just be lazy when it comes to these things. I don't know what to tell you. Except I think of when you get married and maybe have kids...

 

The only thing I can think of is that she takes on other responsibilities in addition to what she is taking on now and you handle the domestic. Not sure if that would work for you or if there are other things she could be doing and would do without needing prodding? Stuff like car maintenance, errands, household shopping (sounds like that is a no go tho too). ?

 

I'm not even close to a house frau, but I do things because they need to get done. I think this is the case with most people. good luck.

[agent1607307371]

Stop tidying.

 

It will get worse before it gets better, but if you want to motivate her, stop doing her share for her.

[pl3asehelp]

Stop tidying.

 

It will get worse before it gets better, but if you want to motivate her, stop doing her share for her.

 

That addresses part of it, but what about the money they're wasting on groceries they buy, don't cook, then throw out? And the money he has to spend to order take out. The agreement was that she'd cook at least a couple times a week and what she actually did was cook 4 times in 3 months. How's he supposed to find his socks in the morning if she's not helping with the laundry like she agreed she would? If he stops tidying, these problems are still going to be there.

[DN]

She's taking advantage of you and you are letting her. That deal was almost totally one-sided in her favour and she won't even keep to that (note that I say 'won't' not 'can't)

 

Whoever said this is what the rest of your life together will be like is right. Are you prepared to live like that? That is a question only you can decide.

[Loveandlost]

have a real talk with her. If cleaning up after herself isnt something she wants to do, then compromise. If she doesnt want to do her part, have her hire a house cleaner once or twice a month, should cost less then 150 a month for your apartment for a biweekly cleaning. This will also force her to "pre-clean" for the cleaners.

[lavenderdove]

OK, what marriage counselors suggest to resolve disputes like this is to get a maid service or housecleaner! Tell her if she doesn't want to pull her weight when it comes to cleaning house, then she has to give up part of her own personal spending money to pay the housekeeper.

 

Then if you're a good cook, you can spend your time doing some cooking rather than the half day cleaning. And write up a budget where she personally has to earn the money to pay for the takeout if she wants to eat takeout on the days she is supposed to cook.

 

Personally it sounds like she's just not interested in being a housekeeper/homemaker type. Perhaps she can excel at earning enough money to pay for a cleaner and for meals she doesn't want to make herself. If she's refusing to earn the money to pay for a housekeeper and pay for the eating out bill, then i think you have a larger problem where she wants a Daddy/Mommy figure and she wants to be a big kid her whole life where you take all the responsibility and she 'relaxes' her whole life while you take the brunt of the adult responsibility for the family.

 

If the house is a mess now, if you have kids, it is going to be a DISASTER and she may refuse to assume her half of the child rearing responsibilities too. So i'd give her an opportunity to do the right thing and have her earn money to pay for a service to do the things she doesn't want to do so that you have time to relax, and if she won't even do that, then honestly i don't know if i would marry her. I was married to a very lazy man and over the years i lost so much respect for him and his willingness to force me into being the 'adult' in the relationship while he just 'played' and lounged around like a teenager, that i eventually divorced because he felt like an albatross around my neck rather than a partner.

 

So I'd test this out BEFORE you get married to see whether she will step up and earn the money to pay people to do her part, and if she won't even do that, and keeps giving you excuses without every changing or contributing, you will have to make the hard choice of whether you're willing to marry a lazy/messy/irresponsible person or not.

[and so it goes]

In my experience, people don't really change. They may try, and it will sort of work for a little while, but so many things are ingrained. You will just have to put up with it....or not.

[Loveandlost]

This is what my ex and I did, I HATE cleaning, shes a neat freak. I make a lot of money, she was poor. I paid for someone to come clean on my weeks. Worked out well for both of us.

[pl3asehelp]

This is what my ex and I did, I HATE cleaning, shes a neat freak. I make a lot of money, she was poor. I paid for someone to come clean on my weeks. Worked out well for both of us.

 

Everyone hates cleaning, even neat freaks. This approach breaks down when you're both poor - it's really just avoiding the problem of taking responsibility.

[Loveandlost]

Let me rephrase, theres cleaning, and then there is "neat freak" cleaning. Where the placement of objects, there organization patterns etc are whats important. Everyone should take a basic level of care of their living environment.

 

Really though for the cost of 1 night out to dinner, you can have someone come to your house 1-2 times a month, scrub your toliets and shower, vacuum, clean the stove, scrub the counters and floors, dust, even make your bed.

 

I find it money well spent.

 

Everyone hates cleaning, even neat freaks. This approach breaks down when you're both poor - it's really just avoiding the problem of taking responsibility.

[itsallgrand]

Paying for a housecleaning and getting take out also doesn't address the issue if it's a matter of lifestyle.

 

I know personally, it wouldn't solve the issue for me because it's less about the tasks being completed and more about the partner. Someone to rely upon. To be my equal. To have your back in life.

And I wouldn't want to go without the pleasures of a partner who is willing to sometimes make me a home cooked meal, his creativity and contribution that way. And things like, when you are feeling sick ...that security that your partner is the kind that would say "don't worry hon, I can make sure the house is tidy tonight."

 

OP - would you be content with the lifestyle if she was ok with paying the way for someone to do some cleaning and cooking? Or is it important to you that she personally do these things? At least sometimes.

 

Also, they made a deal and she's breaking it. That's not cool. I'd have issue with that too. If it isn't working for her, isn't it up to her to renegotiate a new deal maybe? Seems kind of like a dump off on this front anyways.

[Anderson Silva]

This is what my ex and I did, I HATE cleaning, shes a neat freak. I make a lot of money, she was poor. I paid for someone to come clean on my weeks. Worked out well for both of us.

 

Unfortunately this won't work for us because I earn about 30% more money than she does and I have opportunity to work overtime with pay while her company doesn't offer overtime.

[journeynow]

Could be that although you love each other you are not compatible as living companions.

[lavenderdove]

Then you have to decide if you love her enough to pay for the cleaning service and not begrudge her that and not care that she never cooks.

 

Your other alternative is to tell her how seriously this is bothering you, and then decide whether it is enough to break up over if she refuses to help out and do her share.

[becomingkate]

I used to be the messy one! I was always proud of the fact that I would work a lot of hours, do all the grocery shopping and cooking, but wow! The house was a complete mess. I have only improved since I turned 40 and bought my first house, then was confronted by my current husband, who would come home from work to find the place in disarray. It made him anxious.

 

This is how we work it out now: Since I am unemployed at the moment, I do the majority of the cleaning, cooking and shopping during the week and on weekends, my husband and I clean together.

 

On Saturday morning, after having coffee and surfing the net for a couple hours, my husband will get up and start filling the sink with dishes. As the dishes go in, I wipe the counters and put things away. While he's washing and drying, I empty the trash and sweep the floor. When he's finished, I use the sink to fill a mop bucket and wash the floor. We both dust the living room and dining room.

 

On Mondays (he has Mondays off) we wash, dry and put away his clothes so they're ready for the next day. (I do my own clothes while he's at work). We keep a sock basket in the laundry room and I usually buy a dozen pairs of the exact same socks to make it easier on him at 5:30 in the morning. I also get my 15 year old to put some socks together for her dad.

 

Every four days I give my hubby a heads up about changing the sheets, and he comes into the bedroom to help me.

 

About the ordering out and food going to waste - as a former financial advisor, I would probably have advised you that the $5,000 - $7,000 you're spending every year could turn into a 1 MILLION + retirment savings acoount:

 

You can be a millionaire by the time you retire-if you start young. Let's say two 21-year-olds decide to save for retirement. Luis puts $3,000 per year in an IRA and earns 8% compound interest every year. Cheryl waits seven years longer and then begins to invest the same way. At age 65, Luis will be a millionaire-with almost twice as much money as Cheryl-even though he invested only $21,000 more.

 

Age Luis Cheryl

21 $3,000 $0

22 $6,240

23 $9,739

24 $13,518

25 $17,600

26 $22,008

27 $26,768

28 $31,910 $3,000

29 $37,463 $6,240

30 $43,460 $9,739

40 $137,286 $64,486

50 $339,850 $182,680

60 $777,170 $437,852

65 $1,156,517 $657,948

 

Total Invested (Luis) $132,000 ($3,000 a year for 44 years)

Total Earned in Compound Interest $1,027,517

 

Total Invested (Cheryl) $111,000 ($3,000 a year for 37 years)

Total Earned in Compound Interest $549,948

 

The best way to stock up on food is to buy ONLY two days worth of fresh vegetables and produce and five days worth of frozen/canned.

 

We do this thing that I call Homesteader shopping (we feed a family of four) We keep large good quality freezer bags and once every two weeks I buy a 20 lb cut-it-yourself beef sirloin roast. Then we cut it into steaks, roasts and stewing meat and freeze it. We buy large bags of carrots, potatoes and onions because they keep well and form the base of soups and stews. We buy cases of sweet corn, diced tomatoes, black beans and mushroom soup.

 

All these things have taken years to figure out, and to be honest, I went through a few periods of depression and poverty in order to get here. I also have to give credit to my husband, who was firm but loving when he explained that he needed us to be on the same page in order for us to make it. Our last fight about housework and division of chores was in 2006, but we've put in the work to make things flow the way they do.

 

I hope your fiance is open to working with you, but if she's not, I would reconsider marriage until you can come to an agreement.

[penelope13]

It's up to you to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not.

 

But assuming you want to remain in the relationship and you want to make it work you (both of you) need to identify ways how you both can cope and be happy long term. When you are trying to make a relationship last, sometimes compromises can't be fair/equal. I'm not saying that either one person should be disrespected or suffer on behalf of the other, but it's not always possible to work out 'equal deals'. You also have to accept each other as you are, not as you want each other to be - which also doesn't mean that you can't encourage each other to learn new ways.

 

Having said that, I think you have a couple of options. Expecting her to change and understand your point of view in a couple of days is unrealistic given that you already expressed yourself quite clearly yet she didn't keep her end of the deal (to me this would be disrespectful, but I'm only going to focus on trying to help you to find a solution besides leaving her).

 

Firstly, I would have another talk with her that you are unhappy and why you feel let down since she clearly didn't do what she agreed to. Ask her why. Calmly, trying not to sound accusatory.

 

If you can accept her explanation, start looking forward rather than backward.

 

Some options:

 

although it may not seem fair it might be better for the health of the relationship for YOU to pay someone to do the heavy lifting of the cleaning. You seem to have the money, and by paying someone, it will benefit YOU immensely and free up YOUR busy life, because you will not feel constant resentment and frustration.

 

In addition, during the time that you were previously occupied with cleaning the house, you can tackle the rest of the household chores TOGETHER. Since she has a lot of time during the week, she can take care of her personal things during the week. On the weekends, you and her can do everything else that needs to be done together. In this way things get done, you are both involved and it could potentially be an opportunity for you guys to have quality time to talk. By doing the rest of the household chores together you can ensure that she is doing her fair share. She may not be very knowledgeable about some of these things, so doing it together will eliminate that excuse.

 

About the cooking: do either of you like to cook/ know about cooking? It seems not everyone actually is taught anymore how to plan out meals for a week. Thus this could be one of the reasons why you end up buying things, but then not use them. Maybe you could both consider taking some basic cooking classes? So cooking may become something fun rather than a chore. It's possible that it's not only laziness why she doesn't do the cooking, but because she doesn't know much about it. IF you don't want to take classes, there are a million easy to follow books or shows on TV/internet.

 

In order not to waste food, I usually only buy things in bulk that are not perishable and have basic ingredients that I know I will always use in the fridge. Everything else I bring home on the way from work, thus I am sure that I will use it up that day (this might not be working when you have kids).

 

If you are concerned about your finances - draw up a budget together and commit to tracking all your expenses.

 

First and foremost of course you need to decide if the relationship is worth it to find a solutions and if she is willing to put in more effort to make this work.

[Fudgie]

Honestly, I think you're gonna have to work out some sort of system that she can stick with and then stick with that. Messy people really don't change. I'm horribly messy and my boyfriend isn't...but he doesn't mind picking up a bit more than me. I think you need to really think about if this is a dealbreaker or not. I don't think you're ever going to find that she will be neat, domestic, and will cook. Doesn't sound like she cooks much at all.