Dating a married man

[citygal]

 

 

Hi,

 

I know this won't sound good no matter how I say it so I will just spill it out.

I started seeing a married man at my job. Please don't judge me yet. You know how they say "things happen when you least expect it"? Well, this truly is one of those cases. I've been working there 4 years and he 3 yrs. We hardly spoke, just in passing "hi". We started talking a few months ago and decided to go to lunch. We've had lunch with other workers and also alone. He is married (a 2nd marriage for both of them). He is not happy in his marriage and has told me that they have spoken of splitting and money issues , yadda yadda. I truly believe that I am not the cause of his infidelity. There was already trouble in paradise before me or he wouldn't be interested in me. Anyway, her kid lives with them and his kid lives with the mom. I'm single and never married/no children. We are 40 somethings and she is a 30 something, not that it matters.

I don't make it a habit of dating a married man. I wish he was single. I'm really falling for this guy and would love to be with him. I would never do anything to hurt him. I really feel alive with him and love his affection.

I know I am going to get bashed from other readers here. Please don't be to hard on me.

I would love to spend the rest of my life with this man but I don't know what to do and I certainly would not ask him to leave his wife. If he left her, I would want it to be his decision.

I go to work every day anxious to see his smile. I'm lonely when he is not there. We have formed a trust and a great friendship. We are definetly physically attracted to each other. Maybe we fill a void in each others life that is missing.

I don't know what to do. I guess I can only take it day by day and see what happens. I can't exactly talk to anyone about this.

So I guess that's why I'm here.

[casado001]

Oh well, here we go ...

I am in the other side of the fence in this matter. I am a married guy dating a single girl.

It has to be very difficult to be enganged in this kind of relationship at work, oh my!!

 

Surely, he is not happy in his marriage. No men I can think of is going around having affairs just because ....

 

I both of you are having fun, and I hope it will have a good resolution, regardless of the resolution!!!!!

 

My advice: enjoy while it lasts, life is WAY TOO SHORT!!

[lady00]

Well...this is a tough situation. What's wrong with asking him to leave his wife? This current arragement is not fair to her at all. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and if he feels the same way, he shouldn't have to think about what to do. I think he should leave his wife because cheating on her is just plain wrong. If he's unwilling to leave her, then he's not the guy for you.

[melrich]

I won't judge or criticise you but I would give you some words of warning. First consider what you are to this guy. You trot out the lines "unhappy in his marriage etc". This is what just about every cheating guy tells his mistress. When it comes to the crunch....99% of them will never leave their wives and once the affair loses its illicit excitement they lose interest in their mistress. You have to remember what leaving his wife would mean, two broken marraiges and the financial and social ruin associated with that.

Second you have to SERIOUSLY think about the impact your affair is/will have on his wife and children. It is devastating, life altering, horrendous for someone in a marriage who has been cheated on.

As I said I will not judge your actions but if you two are truley in love then you have to ask him to leave his wife. If he doesn't, finish it now. If he does, be prepared for a very difficult and often lonely future. Infidelity is the most ostracising thing a person can participate in. Many surveys rate infidelity as a more desicable act than the commiting of serious crimes. You will have to live with atht stigma for many years, not to mention the guilt that will consume your lover.

Think about it seriously before you decide what path you want to take.

[Beec]

If I were you and wanted this guy, I'd tell him you had to stop some things him, namely no sex and see him much less. But, I'd let him know your open to a relationship, if he leaves his wife. And I'd still see him. You want to motivate him to leave. He's got the best of both worlds' until then.

[bnybrain]

You're probably lonely when he's not there because you know he's with someone else, perhaps making love to another lady. That can't feel good. He is not only cheating on her, he is cheating on you. I don't care if he is unsettled in his marriage, he's still with her isn't he. Don't think you are better off than her, because he's playing with the hearts of two women. You're in the same boat as his wife. My advice is leave him until he figues everything out, until he divorces her, even then give him a couple of months.

 

This is wrong what you are doing. W-R-O-N-G. You can't know ANYTHING about their relationship based strictly on the fact that your only source of information is from a man who cannot be honest with someone he has wed. In all honesty, for crying out loud, you have not heard his wife's view. What if she is madly in love with him, what if she is viewing these "troubled" times, as he calls them, just "hiccups" in her marriage with a husband she adores. What if she is devoted to him, what if he knows she is devoted but fails to let you know about her devotion. What if she's a good person? What if she was totally unsuspecting and completely trusting? More importantly what if she was you? What then? I'd also like to mention that you barely touched up on her. Pain is all that you are causing for someone else. Selfishness is what I label it.

 

His wife, just like you and I, is a person too: You're the "women" who were supposed to stand up for the less unfortunate women in the situations as is his wife. We needed you to defend the rest of us. In "us," I mean all honest people out there, we're worth it, you know. You were supposed to put your foot down and say, "You know what, I'm going to make a stand. I'm not going to participate in this." But instead you have not chosen to follow the correct path. Maybe one day, you might be in the same bind as his wife and wish that the women your "husband" is seeing would have stood up for you. Because aren't you worth it? What's so different from her to you? This just isn't fair what you are doing. You are supporting and participating in an act of illness. He is wrong, all you've accomplished is patting him on the back by joining him.

 

Don't feel special that he is sacrificing his marriage to be with you (no matter how much you pretty it up that is plainly what he or any such man is essentially doing). Because while it may seem like something so sweetly forbidden to you (and in the process possibly make you feel special that someone wants you while with another- even though I don't understand women like that) it is nothing to him, not even a "sacrifice." He is lame. He is sad. I only hope that I that I never end up like his wife. No one deserves that; lies and dishonesty, betrayal.

 

In you dating him, you are saying you deserve to be lied to and cheated on. Because if you think this wife of his is so undeserving, that you'd be fixated in a relationship with her husband, then I am led only to believe that you must have the same standards for yourself.

 

Whatever

Hannah

[bnybrain]

I can't believe some of these responses. Best of both worlds? Really Beec, I never thought I'd hear YOU say something like that. Surprised, here.

 

Another post: And how can your advice be to "enjoy it while it lasts." WHAT is going on here. I guess it may be easy for her to forget about the position of his wife because no one else seems to give a damn.

 

As for the married poster dating a single women: I have nothing to say...

[RayKay]

I can't believe some of these responses. Best of both worlds? Really Beec, I never thought I'd hear YOU say something like that. Surprised, here.

 

 

Maybe I read Beec's post differently, but he was making an accurate observation on the guy involved - he DOES have the best of both worlds right now in having his wife and mistress. Not sure how you interpreted it?

[eltee]

a year ago, i was in your shoes. A single girl falling for a (who at the time i didn't know) Married Man. I didnt take it far phsyically (kissed at most), and once i found out (after the lies had revealed itself) i walked away in shambles. I truly cared about him, had great chemistry and fancied this man a lot. But for it to be "right" and for what i deserved and wanted, I had to leave. I cared about him so much, that i wanted him to either work it out or leave his wife all on his own. I believe in destiny.. and the right kinda love will come back to you. Bottom line, it should be "easier" than this. I'm not about to live a life of deceit and put his wife through extra heart ache. I havent talked to him for a year. Just recently we started emailing again and it was nice to catch up. We still have strong feelings for eachother, but that is that. UNTIL he makes a choice, I have to stay out of the picture. If this is my "one and only" than he will come back. Have faith. If he doesnt, than he was not it. I believe the same thing in your case too.

We deserve the truth. We deserve only the best. Don't settle, even tho you think "wow, he is sooo the one for me".... but hello! He's someone else's husband. Someone else's "one". Let them deal with it. Be strong and walk away.

[bnybrain]

I didn't misinterpret it. Best of both worlds means what it says. He's getting to play with two women, that much is true. But if one women is not made aware of this, then this phrase is inappropriate. Hmm.

[RayKay]

I didn't misinterpret it. Best of both worlds means what it says. He's getting to play with two women, that much is true. But if one women is not made aware of this, then this phrase is inappropriate. Hmm.

 

Well, that is what makes it the best of both worlds for HIM, his wife does NOT know from what we understand, and his mistress does. His mistress does not ask for him to leave the wife, so he is free to continue the ruse. It does not mean it is in the best interest of either of the women, but it sure sounds like he is doing pretty well for himself - hence the term he is getting best of both worlds - a mistress to have fun with, and a wife at home who I am sure does not make him as miserable as he makes it out to be.

[Scout]

Hi people,

 

Just want to quickly clear up some things here before it gets too heated. bnybrain, I think you misinterpreted what Beec was saying. He was saying the guy is currently having his cake and eating it too. Very true, very astute. (although before he said that, he commented she should try to keep the relationship with the guy going, just without the sex, and I disagree with that. However, I'm pretty sure if she cut off the sex the "relationship" would soon be over anyway).

 

bnybrain definitely had a very strong opinion on this matter - some could call it moralist. Well...I agree with what she said (but hope she tones it down just a weeeee bit so this doesn't become a flaming situation This quote particularly struck a chord with me:

 

His wife, just like you and I, is a person too: You're the "women" who were supposed to stand up for the less unfortunate women in the situations as is his wife. We needed you to defend the rest of us. In "us," I mean all honest people out there, we're worth it, you know. You were supposed to put your foot down and say, "You know what, I'm going to make a stand. I'm not going to participate in this." But instead you have not chosen to follow the correct path. Maybe one day, you might be in the same bind as his wife and wish that the women your "husband" is seeing would have stood up for you.

 

This is so true. I just don't understand why more women don't look out for each other. Or anyone who is given a clear choice in a situation where they could either gratify their own desires, or avoid causing someone pain. I hate to bring up age, but I would particularly expect someone in their forties to be able to make the more compassionate choice.

 

Nevertheless, I don't think the original poster would be here if she wasn't starting to experience some misgivings about her situation...so let's all stay civil. Thanks.

[bnybrain]

Thanx Scout.

 

I agree, I should . . . (ahhhhh) . . . tone it . . . (eeek) . . . down! My post took forever to write, trying to the best of my ability to be considerate of the orginal poster. Maybe she is, in joining the forum, on her way of acknowledging the hurt she may cause. I guess I was swayed because her post was directed at asking for advice that concerned only her and her new item, not his significant other involved. Or I was too heated and red in the face to notice her concern . . . (my bad). When Beec wrote what he did, I took it as him encouraging it. But, he's not, right?! He's just stating what is "true," as lovely RayKay has been so elaborately explaining to me (thanx BTW). But, irregardless, I hope that my words count for something to the poster . . .

 

Heated Hannah = HH

[Beec]

I didn't misinterpret it. Best of both worlds means what it says. He's getting to play with two women, that much is true. But if one women is not made aware of this, then this phrase is inappropriate. Hmm.

 

Well, I was saying what I was saying without any moral judgment. The situation as it is now can only lead to lots of hurt. Trying to climb back to the high moral ground would involve her ending it entirley and him having the guilt eat at him. That might hurt the poster and him, and leave the wife as pain free as possible, whihc from a moral standpoint sounds good to me.

 

If she wants to end up happy and with him in her arms, then I'd do what I originally suggested. Currently, he gets both women and puts off the consequences for another day. The poster is as likely to be the one left as his wife with this continuing.

 

He is the real heel who needs to be ground down, but the worse case scenario for him ends up with someone, or all, really being hurt and him getting new meat. Maybe, he ends up married to one of them and ahving an affair with another woman. Who knows?

 

If I were her, I'd end it and get away, but I'm not her. (I would not be in this mess, I hope).

[Scout]

Beec & bnybrain - great responses. Obviously this is a topic that can lead to some pretty heated debate, but looks like we all got back on track.

 

Beec is a very straight-forward person who gives very objective, dispassionate advice, kind of like a lawyer. It's a valuable and unique addition to the mix of viewpoints you can get on eNotalone, many of which are based on our own personal viewpoints/emotions, etc.

[Mun]

I also agree with Beec.

 

You want to keep this man --then you need to end the relationship and make it very clear to him that if he wants to be with you then he has to end his marriage. You must hold your ground or you will be played with. If you make something too easy for someone, why will they change things?

 

If his marriage is so horrible and he truly loves you then he will find a way to be with you. If he does not, then you will know his true intentions and his character... and isn't it better to know now than a few years down the line while you are still waiting for him to leave her?

 

Better to suffer a bit now, than to suffer more later when you have wasted more time and invested your emotions to a higher degree. I hope you can see this.

[guy40az]

Well I will be as kind as I possibly can I think you two probably deserve each other and if he does leave his wife for you what makes to think he wont do the same think to you in the future. Why would you even consider getting involved with a married man, Lets just say he decides in a month or two to leave his wife. It will always be in the back of both of your minds you will be wondering if he is seen some and he will be wondering if you are seeing some one else I mean why wouldn't he do it to you and if you have no problems seeing a married man why would it stop you to cheat on him if you were with him. Relationships are based on trust and both of you could never trust the other one.

I really do think you are doing a very bad thing and so is he, what you guys are doing is going to destroy a entire family and I hope you both will beabe to live with your self after you do this.

[guy40az]

GOOD LUCK!!!! you both are going to need it

[Hells_Fairy]

As I am on the other side of the fence. I have just recently left my husband because he was having an affair. Our marriage was on the rocks, but then again, it wasn't. I think that she needs to feel horrible for what she is doing.

My husband didn't call it off with me; he left me hanging, thinking that everything was alright, telling me he loved me and the kids, etc. and still did it behind my back. I had to catch him before he "agreed" to it, per se. It became real ugly and it's still real ugly. Lots of other reasons why it's so bad.

Anyways.. for the most part, I don't think that it's right to play with peoples' hearts, nor do I think that it's right to "do" married people. You are eventually going to get hurt, not to mention how the wife is going to feel. Situations and people like these are worthless in my opinion. It's so sad. We have enough going on with the world as it is and positive influence for the future and children is what we need. Not this kind of crap.

God Bless...

[citygal]

Oh well, here we go ...

I am in the other side of the fence in this matter. I am a married guy dating a single girl.

It has to be very difficult to be enganged in this kind of relationship at work, oh my!!

 

Surely, he is not happy in his marriage. No men I can think of is going around having affairs just because ....

 

I both of you are having fun, and I hope it will have a good resolution, regardless of the resolution!!!!!

 

My advice: enjoy while it lasts, life is WAY TOO SHORT!!

 

 

So then you have an opinion about this....being on the other side of the fence? Yes, we are both having fun, but believe me when I tell you, I did not really seek this out. Yes, I did want to go to lunch with him, but the attraction was mutual for whatever reasons. I just know that I feel happy whenever we are together even though it is for a short while we do have a connection. I don't know what will or will not happen. I don't want to hurt anyone, most of all myself. I know the risks and yet I still want him.

Yes it is hard dating at work because there is the question "what do I do if and when it's over"? How do I face him every day? I don't want to think negative so I take it day by day.

I don't want to hurt his wife. But I think that's not my problem. If they have spoken about splitting up (to what extent I really don't know) then they can't be all that happy before I came along. He has mentioned that together financially they would find it hard to split or at least have the things they want on their own. So to me to stay together for financial help is not 2 people that are in deep love with one another. They have only been married 4 years and it sounds like there is no passion. I think that's pretty sad so soon in a relationship. He said he thought that she was the opposite of his first wife and that he wanted someone to grow old with. Well, to tell you the truth, I'd like him to grow old with me. I have a lot of passion for him and he is very affectionate with me. There just never is enough time for us to be together. He said that I am on his mind a lot and that made me feel great. But then I instantly come down to reality that he is married and no mater how great it feels to be thought of, I'm still not he one he goes to the movies with and out to dinner with. That's the empty part of it. I'm trying to see where it leads. But to be honest with you, I don't feel quilty in this at all. I feel like there was trouble in paradise before I came along so I am not the cause of their problems. As far as kids and family being hurt, well that's not my doing. I wouldn't be hurting them. His kid lives with the mom and he sees him during the week and weekends (a teenager) and her kid lives with them which he doesn't seem thrilled about because he said that she spoils him rotten and yells at my friend when ever he trys to make him do something around the house to help. I don't know, I know there are 2 sides to every story. call me selfish, call me lonely, most will call me bad names for whatever reasons or hangups they have of their own. I'm just here to talk and share and learn. I'm not bragging or saying I'm proud of myself. Believe me I would give anything for him not to have that ring on his finger. But I'm not ready to give him up. I have to be careful for both our jobs sake. I guess I just need a little more time to see if anything will come of it. Maybe some of you are right and I should not be with him physically, but it's hard not to be. We enjoy the hugs and kisses and just being held. It's been great so far. So we took it farther and no, I'm not sorry. I feel alive. I just hope I don't get hurt. I know the odds are great.

One day at a time. I just have to see.

[Hells_Fairy]

You seem to have it all figured out, eh? Well, let me be the first to tell you that what you are saying is all going to backfire. It doesn't matter if they were having problems before you came along. This is just not something that you do. You really think that he is being sincere about his feelings towards you and telling you the truth even? That's so crazy, but I am just one person telling you this from the outside. Eventually you will figure it out.

You have no idea if they are really having problems. I know what you are thinking, "If they aren't having problems, then why is he in it with me"? Well, because you are available and easy. Plain and simple. You think for one second that he isn't going to do this to you if ya'll do continue to have a relationship? Think again.

I am not a mean person; far from it, but things like this just make me mad because.. well that reason is just common sense. I hope that in the future you will make better judgement and I also hope that your soul is saved. Might help you get through the pain that you will endure soon. As always, God Bless you.

[tea]

And I just ...... people like you should be ... ...

 

Hurting his wife and his children aren't your doings? Stop trying to defer responsibility and make yourself a saint! You're part of it okay? You're both in it! It doesn't matter who started this, you agreed to it, so stop acting like you have no part in this.

 

... as of thinking you don't have enough time or enough attention...

 

........... do whatever you want. As of me, I'll make the woman who crossed our lives pay. Whatever pain she caused me she'll get it back double. I might even consider dating her dad and rub it in her mom's face if I break up with my boyfriend.

 

Heh, if my wonderful dad makes me break up and live with him, he will sooo have a taste of his own medicine before too soon.

[lady00]

Why is everyone attacking the woman and not the man? HE is the one with the wife, HE is the one with the kids. It is HIS responsibility to not cheat on her. If he hooks up with another woman, then it's on him, in my opinion. The other woman did not force him to do anything he didn't want to do. If it wasn't her, it would be another woman. He probably would have had an affair anyway. He is the one who has responsibilities to his wife...If he cheated, I highly doubt that it was about the other woman specifically being there...He could have controlled himself, but he didnt. If a guy cheats, it means his relationship was already a problem to begin with. Cheating is symptomatic of a problem relationship, not the cause of it. Just my opinion.

If he would do such a thing as cheating on his wife, leaving her would be doing her a big favor because she deserves much better and she could then start on trying to find a quality man.

[tea]

I'm sorry... I didn't make it clear. I think they're equally responsible... maybe not equal, maybe the man is slightly more responsible, but cheating is awful and whomever is involved should at least be brave enough to take responsibility and stop brushing responsibility away with excuses.

 

I keep seeing these men and women claiming they're not the ones who initiated, love doesn't know time, love is blind, it's my wife/husband's fault, I wasn't happy, I see nothing wrong with it, It's just chemistry, we're amazing together, those aren't my kids, I don't care about the other woman/man... very few of them actually say, Yes, I mad a mistake, it is my fault, and I should initiate a change and back out of this horrible situation.

 

If I came off as blaming her entirely, I'm sorry. I think whoever wanted her is equally awful. Worst of humankind actually.

 

I can only hope that they will wake up and turn back onto a more socially acceptable route. Either him getting divorced before they go out, or they break up without hurting his family too much.

[citygal]

Thanks for not attacking me as well. Look I understand their hostilities. I also think that I have more experience in life than some of the 20 year olds. Not knocking any of you. You all seem very bright and make very good arguments. I do appreciate the input, even some of the harsh ones I can deal with. I never said I was a saint in this. Believe me I was not searching for something like this to come into my life. I really believe "things happen when you least expect it". I can't apologize for my actions. I did what was in my heart and I'm not sorry. All I'm saying is that I wish it could have been different circumstances for both of us.

Yes you are right. Why not blame the man in this? I didn't make him do anything he did not want to do. I know he cares about me. I can see it in his face, smile and eyes and affection. These are all wonderful things I see and feel, I just wish he didn't have that ring on his finger. My intention truly is NOT to hurt anyone. My heart wishes I could tell the world about him. I can only live in my own private silence about it and only share it with him.