trishcollins Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Quick recap. 4 months since the breakup. Ex couldn't deal with conflicts between his grown daughter (still living at home) and me, so I lost. He broke it off. I maintained NC for the most part (except when my dad died, and around our second anniversary, and a few chatty emails last month). Have been doing NC for three weeks now, and plan on continuing. Last email from him was a really mixed message -- incorporated his business under the name of the place I live (for no legit reason), but at the same time it seems like he is trying to tell me to move on. My gut says he will be back at some point, but it will be a long time. I told him I was going to go to NC, and only send birthday and Christmas cards. I am happy enough with my decision, it is just easier for me, as I get way too emotional and read too much into his responses. His daughter's birthday is next week. I don't know if I should send a card. We did manage to resolve some issues after the breakup and she knows I don't hold her responsible, even if she was the catalyst. She just couldn't accept her father is a new relationship so soon after her mother died, which is totally understandable. I blame him for doing nothing to help her and for jumping into a relationship without considering all the consequences. In our last exchange, I had asked my "ex" if it was okay to send a card to his daughter, and he said "sure, that would be great". I feel if I don't send a card, I would be sending a message that I am angry and taking it out on his daughter. However, I also feel that by sending a card, I am giving him the idea that I still maintain hope -- almost like I am weak and trying to hang on -- hope is a message I don't mind, but clinging and weak is NOT a message I want to send. My reason for sending the card is that they were part of my life for two years and I still think of them as family. What should I do? Link to comment
CarterJonas Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Hello Trish, Can I ask how old his daughter is? Link to comment
rich46 Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Hi Trish, I'd definitely send the card. I don't see any reason not to. It certainly wouldn't make you appear weak - but like you said, NOT sending a card would make you appear angry and resentful. Sounds to me like you know what to do. Send the card and then back on the no contact train! Good luck, Rich Link to comment
trishcollins Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 Can I ask how old his daughter is? If you can believe it, she will be 20 next week and in her third year of college. She was 17 when we first started dating. She is very young though, and spoilt - a real daddy's girl. Didn't start working until she was 18, pays for nothin, has her own car and does nothing at home. I tried to stay clear of the way he raises his kids. I always figure that it if doesn't affect me directly, then I would stay out of it. My "ex's" excuse for letting her get away with murder, was that he didn't want her to have the same financial burdens he did as a teenager (couldn't afford college, working right two jobs, etc.). My philosphy on that is a bit different. Having financial burdens is one thing, but they should at least have some financial responsibility. I don't think he is doing her ANY favours by allowing her to behave that way. It won't help her in the real world. Link to comment
trishcollins Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 Thanks Rich. I was pretty sure I would, but as always, we second guess ourselves. I will keep the tone of the card very formal and light. Just an acknowledgement really. Link to comment
rich46 Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Thanks Rich. I was pretty sure I would, but as always, we second guess ourselves. I will keep the tone of the card very formal and light. Just an acknowledgement really. Only second guess? That's on a good day! Link to comment
CarterJonas Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 She is a little bit older than I had guessed from your first post, but I would agree with rich and still send her a card and then go back to NC. goodluck Link to comment
Mun Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 I agree, send her the card. You will not appear weak, you will appear like a mature, grounded lady that you are. I agree with you about the financial responsibilities. If everything is handed to you, how will you learn to fend for yourself ? Link to comment
trishcollins Posted October 21, 2004 Author Share Posted October 21, 2004 I went to see my cousellor today. Keep in mind, I went to this counsellor regularly for two years before I even met my "ex", and I "graduated" shortly after I met him. I went to see her, ironically, because I can never seem to keep a relationship going. Anyway, she knows all about me, and even met my "ex" in one session. I saw her four times during our relationship, all to see how I could deal with his daughter and the situation. He attended one session with me last Christmas. When I had first met him, she did caution me that he had not grieved and would have to at some point, but I could be there for him if I was aware of it. Anyway, I figured I would see her today and we would talk about how I am moving forward and getting on with my life -- baby steps and all that. I was really surprised by what she said when I told her about the last few exchanges I had with my "ex" -- the incorpation of his business under the name of my village, the fact that he can't seem to quite close the door, etc. Keep in mind, that I keep telling her that I know it's important that I move on, etc., and I am not crazy and know to accept when somethings over, but my gut is telling me this is not and I am not sure how to proceed. I don't want to move into a new relationship and do to someone else what he did to me. She told me my love for this man was great and it wasn't going away anytime soon. That I wasn't doing this out of desparation, but she could tell that this is pure love. I care about him deeply and want to see him heal -- that that is as important as any reconciliation to you, that he somehow "see" that my love for him overshadows any selfish ulterior motives on my part. She feels that somehow, him knowing that his love for me was a good thing and made me a better person, will perhaps help him get out of his current state of pain. She wants me to use my love for his betterment -- very altruistic, but I do understand what she is saying. She said right now, he can't deal with anyone's pain, especially mine because he caused it. It hurts him to know he hurt me, and he feels that he can't do anything about it. So, he does nothing. And makes no commitment to anything. That he is in fact trying to protect me from him, but keeping me away. That "protecting the people you love" (moreso in men than in women) is core to our value system, and that when you feel you have failed everyone around you, you have to protect them even from yourself -- which is what he appears to be doing with me. What she suggests I do, is let him know that our relationship and his love for me was not a failure, and to emphasis that I only wish him all the best and not to go on and on about how hurt I am and how much I miss him, but just to let him know that what we had was special, even if it is over and not to consider it a failure. I told her I was afraid it would just look like another pathetic attempt to win him back and I don't want to push him further away. She said I need to do this out of love "from the heart", and not out of fear, and I need to really do some soul-searching before doing anything. She told me this has nothing to do with reconciling or a future together, but rather using my love for him to help him heal. I decided I would do it, but I would write it in a letter (snail mail), so he does not have to respond if he doesn't want to. If it in some way helps him move forward with his life, I may never know, but it will help him get past the pain and it may help me get closure. Anyway, I thought it was interesting and thought I would pass it along. Any thoughts on this? Link to comment
chai714 Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Hope is not contained within a birthday card. I see no problem with sending her a birthday card, and continuing NC until you see fit. Send it, and walk away. Link to comment
Mun Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 Trish, I'm glad you posted this. I think I needed to read that. It helped me see some things clearly too. I won't be writing a letter, but I could feel the same way your therapist told you to feel about this relationship... and I think it would help me too. My friend was recently divorced when I met him. He liked me from the start ( took me awhile to feel the same for him) but when things started getting more serious he pulled away. I let him go, he contacted a few times and tried to get back---but it never worked. I think he needed to heal from his failed marriage first. He has nothing to offer to anyone until he is ready... and he has stayed away because he knows he hurts me ( each time he tries to have a relationship without being ready for it) just like your therapist said. Link to comment
Scout Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I went to see my cousellor today. Keep in mind, I went to this counsellor regularly for two years before I even met my "ex", and I "graduated" shortly after I met him. I went to see her, ironically, because I can never seem to keep a relationship going. Trish...thank you for providing the best laugh I've had all week! I know you probably didn't intend this humorously, but irony is often the funniest thing...and without going into details, this struck a personal chord with me. Link to comment
Scout Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 Oh, and I do think you should definitely send the letter. Have your therapist read it first, though. By the way, she sounds amazing! Link to comment
trishcollins Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Trish...thank you for providing the best laugh I've had all week! I know you probably didn't intend this humorously, but irony is often the funniest thing...and without going into details, this struck a personal chord with me. Believe me, the irony is NOT lost on me, and yes, it is rather funny. Even when I started dating him, I wrote in my journal I hoped this wasn't yet another short-lived relationship becuase the person wasn't in a position to move forward. Guess I should have listened to myself way back when, and I wouldn't be in so much pain today. However, I would trade our experiences for anything, so I guess it's the price we pay for love. Link to comment
trishcollins Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Oh, and I do think you should definitely send the letter. Have your therapist read it first, though. By the way, she sounds amazing! Don't worry, she WILL be reading it first. It is going to be VERY hard to write something pure and without appearing to have ANY selfish overtones. Almost a thank-you, I suppose. She is an AMAZING therapist and if any of you are in the Ottawa area, I would HIGHLY recommend her. She has helped me see things that I could never see before. Link to comment
trishcollins Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Trish, I'm glad you posted this. I think I needed to read that. It helped me see some things clearly too. Yes, muneca, I totally understand why he feels the way he does, and have all along. I was feeling very frustrated that he didn't seem to be doing anything to heal, and that I felt there was nothing I could do to help him, and I expressed this to her in my session yesterday. I just didn't want any further communication to be a thin disguise of hope for a reconciliation. I have already accepted that he needs to go through a great deal of healing before he can be with anyone, and I think the therapist saw too, that I won't be able to move forward unless I feel I have done everything to help him - simply because I love him. It will be a tough note to write, because it has to come from the heart, with no overtones of missing him or needing him. I need to talk about the positive influence he had on me and why it is important to me that he heal, etc., without sounding like I am preaching or I am a therapist myself. I will spend the next few weeks composing something and have my therapist edit it for me before I do anything with it. I think it will help both of us, because I will get some closure knowing I have done everything I could for him, and he can start moving forward, knowing that I want him to heal simply because I love him. Link to comment
Scout Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 eeeks, big font! can you please diminish it, Trish? Link to comment
trishcollins Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 eeeks, big font! can you please diminish it, Trish? Sorry about that. It had something to do with the quoting. I am still new at this. Link to comment
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