The Dreaded "Is he losing interest?" Thread

[minorissues]

Hello again. I recently posted a snippet of my current situation in a thread called "The trouble with texting..." but am feeling a bit antsy at the moment and just wanted to get your thoughts on the whole thing considering a few recent updates.

 

Long story short: met a guy about a month ago while out at a bar with some friends. We hit it off, exchanged numbers, he called me a few days later to chat and asked me on a date. After that, until yesterday, we've texted daily (him the initiator majority of the time, me every now and then, as he'd usually beat me to it.) We'd also call one another once or twice a week, and we'd go out once or twice a week. The past two weeks, I've gone out with him at least one week-night each and then spent two Friday-through-Saturdays overnight at his place. On paper, he's the exact opposite of myself and the guys I usually go for (educationally, professionally, age-wise) so I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about the whole thing at first, but we have a similar sense of humor and can hold a conversation really well, so I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a shot. It's not like those other guys worked out, right?

 

About two weeks/five dates into our acquaintanceship, we became intimate through no pressure on either side. It just gradually happened, it wasn't "planned" or discussed beforehand. I spent the night at his place, he drove me home the next morning (I live about half an hour away.) He proceeded to text me that night, the next night, and Monday night he texted and asked if I wanted to do something on Tuesday. He met me in "neutral territory" (nowhere near either of our places) and we had a nice time. Continued to text me daily, then texted me kind of last minute on Thursday suggesting he stop by my place later that night. I politely declined, as I felt it was way too last minute and I was pretty tired (from work and training for a triathlon...plus, in my mind that seems a bit booty-callish) but told him I'd call him later that night and we could reschedule (which I did.) I went to his town again the next night after work and we had another "sleep-over"...the next morning, we had breakfast and I went home. He proceeded to text me the rest of the weekend, with less fervor than the weekend before but no biggie.

 

He THEN continued to text me daily this week, with just variations on "what's up?" and sending me pics he'd taken. No plans to meet up, so on the advice of you lovely eNA-ers, I asked on Wed. night if he wanted to do something (this is all hashed out in detail in my last thread, mentioned above.) He agreed, we met up again in "neutral territory" to have dinner and drinks. He seemed a bit distant at this point; he held my hand and occasionally kissed me spontaneously, but there was something in the way he was doing it that seemed awkward. He told me he was going away with some friends this weekend (first I'd heard of this) and reminded me that he was heading out of the country next weekend for a few weeks (this I knew since day 1) and when I jokingly pointed out that I guess we wouldn't be getting much "alone time" (wink wink) this month then, he thought about it for a second and said "Hm. I guess you're right." Otherwise, we chatted as usual, took a few walks through the city/park. When it came time to part, he gave me a long kiss and texted me later to let me know he'd gotten on the train home. Aaaaaand end scene.

 

So....as of tonight, he's heading out of town for the weekend. He'll be back Monday. Something in my gut told me he wouldn't text me tonight and lo and behold, my gut was correct. I have that sinking feeling you get when a guy is losing interest and I'm not really sure why...I mean, we've only been dating a month, he's out of town, he's getting ready for a trip out of the country, etc. Is it odd that he hasn't been in touch today? Is any of this telling? What do I do in the meantime? I feel as though being in limbo until he gets back from his various vacations is going to be rough, but do I want to try and have a "talk" of some sort before he goes? After he comes back? Do I just let things go and see what happens? Thoughts and advice and verbal smacks up-side the head are all welcome at this point!

 

Danke in advance!

[Me and myself]

He's not losing interest. He was just expecting a text from you, at least wishing him a very nice trip a, probably, I'll miss you.

[Minx2012]

I see a few reasons as to why it could be " flailing " :

 

1. You slept with each other and you continually met on " neutral territory " ( where the opportunities for more alone time are limited ). In men's eyes, if you had already slept with each other once and there is still insistence on meeting in " neutral territory " that limits opportunities for alone time, it could be signaling to him that YOU are not interested as much. You have already crossed a boundary and yet there seems to be a bit of " restraint " on your part.

 

2. He texts you a lot and it's only today that he hasn't text you....and you base it on him losing interest? He is having a good time with his friends on the weekend and you really shouldn't mark that as a lack of interest.

 

If you are really bothered by it, you should bring up the fact that you want to spend some more alone time with him ( a bit too late now as he's gone off with his boys for a weekend trip ). However, when he does come back, tell him that you want some alone time ( it doesn't have to be sex ), but maybe getting him in a private area ( your apt or his ) could spark up that intensity again. After all, it will be just you and him alone.

[Batya33]

As a wise friend once said - until you've been dating someone at least two months it doesn't count as far as whether there's any future potential. You decided to see a lot of him right away and to have sex fairly early on - the risk is that things move too fast and someone pulls away, and because you barely know each other there's no real talk or discussion about it. I also think he wanted a clear conscience to keep his options open while he was away this weekend which is completely reasonable when you're newly dating.

[blueidealist24]

It seems like he's become awkward after the sex started. He's still keeping in contact with you, so I wouldn't say it's because he's losing interest. Maybe he's pulling back because he thinks you'll expect more commitment, future plans, etc. because you've had sex (even if this isn't true), and that makes him uncomfortable? I think if he was really disinterested though, he'd totally ignore you after you slept together.. no texting or meetups or anything. I think you should give this time and time will tell why he's acting a little awkward. It could be that wherever he's going out of town is where a former love interest used to be or something, and he isn't sure if anything will happen.

[Lambert]

I would just sit tight.... This is the first time he is "leaving you" to hang with the boys. I would not be a nag. I would try to hold out contacting him as long as you can....Show that you are capable of trust and space. He has plans and he is probably having fun with his buds. He'll contact you when he gets back.

 

Remember, it's okay to feel insecure. It's new for both of you. So be cautious with your demands or disclosing your feelings. Especially in a text. I swear texting is the root of all evil. It should just be used to be flirty and fun or to send a quick-- I'm on my way kind of messages.

 

Get busy with your own friends, catch up on your "me time" and just be cool. It's all good. you are not a ball and a chain

[ToF]

Where do you see this going, if he's leaving for an extended vacation soon anyway? Are you still dating other people? I get the feeling he is..

[minorissues]

Wow you guys rock! Thanks for sounding off and giving me a multitude of perspectives to consider. Just a few quick responses to your sage advice FWIW:

 

Me and myself -- Good point, though this is a guy who texts me every day without fail, so I'd think it a bit odd that the day he leaves to go on an extended boys' weekend, he'd conveniently expect me to text him how much I'll miss him. In fact, I think if I did, it'd come off as slightly needy, under the circumstances. Also, we've never texted one another things like that; we have more of a playful, teasing vibe, if that makes any sense. But still, a viewpoint to consider!

 

Minx -- You bring up some good points. The only thing I'd clarify is that the two "neutral territory" dates were his doing, not mine. I invited him to my place one of those days, and suggested I stop by his the other, and he was the one who suggested we meet up by my office instead (to make things more complicated, my office is nowhere near his town or mine.) Though to be fair, the area my office is located in is a lot more fun and interesting than either of our respective home bases.

 

Batya -- Really, really good points. All I can say (albeit weakly) is that it felt right at the time and I find it difficult to bond sometimes, or move a relationship forward, without becoming intimate. Could be something I'll "grow out of" or something I'll eventually learn to control, but for the time being it is what it is. My gut actually agrees with you on most of what you've surmised, especially the part about potentially keeping his options open for the weekend. Incidentally, the place he's going for the weekend with his boys is the place we met! So yeah, not ruling out that option!

 

blueidealist -- Yeah, as I just mentioned above in response to batya's observations, the place he's going this weekend is the place we met, and it's notorious for young summer vacation crowds going to drink and have fun. So an old love (or a new one) is a definite possibility. But I agree it'd be interesting to see whether this is general post-intimacy jitters and gauge his interest (or lack thereof) as time goes by.

 

Lambert -- Oh heck yeah I'll be catching up on my me time! I went out to a birthday party tonight, and am heading out of town with my brother and some friends and family to the mountains to do some cycling and general relaxing for the rest of the weekend. I'm not the clingy type at all, actually...the men I've dated have had the opposite issue, that I come accross too independent and unemotional! Even this guy used to joke (though I think facetiously) that I never texted or called him first, though he'd beat me to it every time anyway. Little do they know, inside I'm always anxious and a bit insecure but I'll never act on it in front of them.

 

ToF -- Just out of curiosity, what makes you think he's seeing other people? As far as his extended vacation, it's less of a vacation and more a work thing (he works for a foreign company, and I've managed to verify that claim to the best of my investigative ability.) He's also from that area of the world and has family there so he will be visiting as well (and who knows who else? But there's very little I can do about that, at least at the moment.) Also, why do you suppose that this trip should have any bearing on where this relationship is going? I've only been seeing him for a month, and I'd assume a trip of this magnitude has been planned long before I came into the picture, so it isn't as though I'd expect to tag along. As for me, no, I'm not seeing other people, but that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my preferences. I find that multi-dating gets me fuzzy-headed and I can't seem to focus on any one person during the furor that ensues when I'm seeing a few guys simultaneously. So I generally give each guy an exclusive month or two before trying to figure out where I see things going and how I want to approach our relationship going forward. Perhaps not the most efficient method, nor the best at preventing heartache, but so far it's been the method that has worked for me as far as identifying what I want and don't want in a partner without getting all confused.....

[Lucy3]

Where do you see this going, if he's leaving for an extended vacation soon anyway? Are you still dating other people? I get the feeling he is..

 

Just because he has booked a vacation (before they met) doesnt mean hes seeing others, it has no link as all?

[minorissues]

Just because he has booked a vacation (before they met) doesnt mean hes seeing others, it has no link as all?

 

Yeah, I'm a bit confused as well...

 

As for the dude, like clockwork, he texted me last night. Nothing significant, just teasing, but I suppose it's [arguably] a step above not texting at all. In any event, I guess I'll ride it out this weekend and see what happens between when he gets back on Monday and leaves the country next weekend. It seems (and not without reason) that actions are going to determine the direction of this relationship more so than frequency of contact (such as it is.) In other words, it's time for me to stop counting texts like some 15 year old girl!

[Me and myself]

Me and myself -- Good point, though this is a guy who texts me every day without fail, so I'd think it a bit odd that the day he leaves to go on an extended boys' weekend, he'd conveniently expect me to text him how much I'll miss him. In fact, I think if I did, it'd come off as slightly needy, under the circumstances. Also, we've never texted one another things like that; we have more of a playful, teasing vibe, if that makes any sense. But still, a viewpoint to consider!

 

I don't think it's needy...well, it depends on how you write it. could be something playfull butthe msg would be there. About he doesn't texted you...well, maybe he was busy with all the departure arrangements.

[Batya33]

"Batya -- Really, really good points. All I can say (albeit weakly) is that it felt right at the time and I find it difficult to bond sometimes, or move a relationship forward, without becoming intimate. Could be something I'll "grow out of" or something I'll eventually learn to control, but for the time being it is what it is. My gut actually agrees with you on most of what you've surmised, especially the part about potentially keeping his options open for the weekend. Incidentally, the place he's going for the weekend with his boys is the place we met! So yeah, not ruling out that option!"

 

I do think you need to work on reacting to your feeling that you need sexual intercourse with a near stranger in order to bond for purposes of a potentially serious romantic relationship. It is a great way to bond physically or sexually of course. It's also far easier than doing what it takes to bond emotionally and grow in the relationship. I think it's fine if he's keeping his options open since he can assume you're fine with having sex outside of a serious relationship. Hang in there and lower your expectations as much as possible.

[The_Seeker]

Hello again. I recently posted a snippet of my current situation in a thread called "The trouble with texting..." but am feeling a bit antsy at the moment and just wanted to get your thoughts on the whole thing considering a few recent updates.

 

I didn't bother reading your other thread. LOL So I just came onto this one.

 

Long story short: met a guy about a month ago while out at a bar with some friends. We hit it off, exchanged numbers, he called me a few days later to chat and asked me on a date. After that, until yesterday, we've texted daily (him the initiator majority of the time, me every now and then, as he'd usually beat me to it.) We'd also call one another once or twice a week, and we'd go out once or twice a week. The past two weeks, I've gone out with him at least one week-night each and then spent two Friday-through-Saturdays overnight at his place.

 

LOL Sounds like me and Mr.J.

 

My advice. Instead of weekend date have some weekday date.

 

Stop spending overnight at his place. LOL Let him visit you at your place. ;] Yup that's what Mr.J has been doing. LOL I got a surprise visit from him Thursday when I didn't see him for 2 weeks but he invited me to dinner and I declined last Wednesday.

 

 

On paper, he's the exact opposite of myself and the guys I usually go for (educationally, professionally, age-wise) so I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about the whole thing at first, but we have a similar sense of humor and can hold a conversation really well, so I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a shot. It's not like those other guys worked out, right?

 

LOL Honey, it doesn't matter his personality, attraction, etc etc, what matters is his sincerity towards you.

 

I think you missed seeing that in him. I learned that hard way and I know majority of eNAers will focusing on personality/attraction/intellect/chemistry/sexual compatibility etc etc.

 

What you want and need in a guy may not be exactly what you want and need in a guy.

 

For every rule you create for yourself, something unexpected happens.

 

 

About two weeks/five dates into our acquaintanceship, we became intimate through no pressure on either side. It just gradually happened, it wasn't "planned" or discussed beforehand. I spent the night at his place, he drove me home the next morning (I live about half an hour away.) He proceeded to text me that night, the next night, and Monday night he texted and asked if I wanted to do something on Tuesday. He met me in "neutral territory" (nowhere near either of our places) and we had a nice time. Continued to text me daily, then texted me kind of last minute on Thursday suggesting he stop by my place later that night. I politely declined, as I felt it was way too last minute and I was pretty tired (from work and training for a triathlon...plus, in my mind that seems a bit booty-callish) but told him I'd call him later that night and we could reschedule (which I did.) I went to his town again the next night after work and we had another "sleep-over"...the next morning, we had breakfast and I went home. He proceeded to text me the rest of the weekend, with less fervor than the weekend before but no biggie.

 

STOP TEXTING.

 

STOP COMMUNICATING ON THE PHONE.

 

OZMG go talk and chat in person. I'm glad I don't have a text marathon with Mr.J.

 

Hahaha, Mr.J did send me a text when he invited me to dinner on a Wednesday around 2 PM. I declined.

 

But you know what, he surprised me when he came to see me on Thursday.

 

He THEN continued to text me daily this week, with just variations on "what's up?" and sending me pics he'd taken.

 

Oh my god, stop being his texting buddy.

 

[rolls eyes] Is he an attention you know what? ;]

 

]No plans to meet up, so on the advice of you lovely eNA-ers, I asked on Wed. night if he wanted to do something (this is all hashed out in detail in my last thread, mentioned above.) He agreed, we met up again in "neutral territory" to have dinner and drinks. He seemed a bit distant at this point; he held my hand and occasionally kissed me spontaneously, but there was something in the way he was doing it that seemed awkward. He told me he was going away with some friends this weekend (first I'd heard of this) and reminded me that he was heading out of the country next weekend for a few weeks (this I knew since day 1) and when I jokingly pointed out that I guess we wouldn't be getting much "alone time" (wink wink) this month then, he thought about it for a second and said "Hm. I guess you're right." Otherwise, we chatted as usual, took a few walks through the city/park. When it came time to part, he gave me a long kiss and texted me later to let me know he'd gotten on the train home. Aaaaaand end scene.

 

If I were you, I would never joke like that. It made it even awkward.

 

Second, stop with the texting. If you want to go on a date with him, then you set it up. If he wants to go on a date with you, then he sets it up.

 

So....as of tonight, he's heading out of town for the weekend. He'll be back Monday. Something in my gut told me he wouldn't text me tonight and lo and behold, my gut was correct. I have that sinking feeling you get when a guy is losing interest and I'm not really sure why...I mean, we've only been dating a month, he's out of town, he's getting ready for a trip out of the country, etc. Is it odd that he hasn't been in touch today? Is any of this telling? What do I do in the meantime? I feel as though being in limbo until he gets back from his various vacations is going to be rough, but do I want to try and have a "talk" of some sort before he goes? After he comes back? Do I just let things go and see what happens? Thoughts and advice and verbal smacks up-side the head are all welcome at this point!

 

Danke in advance!

 

First of all, you sound like you expect him to spend 24/7 with you. Not saying you are wicked clingy yet. Just saying you have too much time on your hand when you can be doing something else.

 

Only text, if you are in the crowd/concert and you have no idea what the person is talking about.

 

Sure text if you want to setup a date or whatever. And get over with it.

 

If you enjoy his company, then spend your time with him. In the mean time, go date with other guys. You're single. So is he.

 

That's what I'm doing. I'm meeting different guys and being friends with them. If something happens, it happens. LOL In the meantime I don't mind dating Mr.J [been seeing each other for 2 months]. Yes we did get intimate on our 2nd date [3rd time we saw each other]. I do think of Mr.T at times [another guy I dated in June right after my breakup].

 

Besides, I hardly enough time for myself and studying for my career path.

 

DO NOT HAVE A TALK. It's too early. Seriously. Just enjoy. Stop planning everything. No matter how you plan it, a day/life turns out to be different.

 

You have to understand a person. So far, you don't nor do you know him very well. The more you know the better you're off finding something that could make you not like him anymore.

[ToF]

Calm down, guys ... I made no connection between his vacation and possibly seeing other people. The two are most likely mutually exclusive.

 

I simply wanted to know where the OP and this guy stood, as far as exclusivity is concerned. Minorissues -- it sounds like you've committed to being monogamous with him for the time being, but have you guys talked about it? In my experience, two people can have very different views about this kind of thing. So you may be thinking: We've been dating for a month, we've slept together a few times -- of course we're exclusive! While he may be thinking: We've only been on a few dates, we don't see each other every day, and we've already slept together -- I don't think we're exclusive yet.

 

Does that make sense? The reason I get the feeling he may be seeing other people, is because that's what I would assume were I in your position. I would assume we're not exclusive until we have decided otherwise. It's a good way to protect yourself, both from STDs and from hurt feelings. Personally, I don't sleep with anyone with whom I am not decidedly exclusive, but that's just me. I read your last response, detailing your need to sleep with someone in order to establish intimacy. That's your way of handling things, but you need to make sure you're being smart about it.

 

I would ask him if he's dating other people. You've had sex, so you should be able to talk about this openly. It's for your own health, minorissues.

[Minx2012]

The notion that he could be seeing other people has come up here a few times : To the OP, you two are just in the " casually seeing " stage for a few months, right? So, what's the big deal if he was seeing someone? You are both not in a committed, talked about, monogamous relationship yet. It's natural for people to assess situations ( before or after heavy making out or sex ) to determine whether it should go forward OR not. At this point, any new developments in the whole thing?

[minorissues]

The notion that he could be seeing other people has come up here a few times : To the OP, you two are just in the " casually seeing " stage for a few months, right? So, what's the big deal if he was seeing someone? You are both not in a committed, talked about, monogamous relationship yet. It's natural for people to assess situations ( before or after heavy making out or sex ) to determine whether it should go forward OR not. At this point, any new developments in the whole thing?

 

Hi Minx...I meant to come back to this thread and respond to the last few posters, but went away for the weekend and then completely forgot. Yes, we have only been seeing each other for about a month, with one or two dates a week, and haven't discussed any arrangements one way or the other. And I never said it was a big deal for him to be seeing someone else...I agreed that it was a possibility.

 

As for developments, he did end up calling me once from his boys' weekend just to say hi, and texted me some more during the rest of it. We met up when we both returned from the long weekend, he cooked dinner, we watched a movie, I stayed over, next morning both went our separate ways to work (we work in different towns,) he texted later in the day to ask if I'd gotten to work OK. Basically, all I wanted was to see him before he left on his next excursion for two weeks, enjoy his company, put my best foot forward, and didn't want to have any heavy talks right before he left. My plan is to ride out the next two weeks without any expectations towards him; see friends, train for my triathlon, and maybe meet a guy or two from the dating sites I have profiles up on but haven't really checked in awhile. I won't expect any contact while he's away, and if he does get in touch it'll be a pleasant surprise. And when he gets back into town, I'll re-evaluate the situation (see if he calls or texts and if he doesn't, maybe call him myself just to see how he reacts, and take it from there.) Assuming the status quo holds up until then, I think that may be the time to try and figure out where he sees this whole thing between us going.

 

And while we're on the topic....thoughts?

[Minx2012]

I think that you're going about it the right way now....just go with the flow and see where it goes once he's back from his trip. If he is cold, distant and avoidant after his trip, then move on bc you know that something about the trip changed him ( e.g. whether he realised that he has so much fun with his single friends that he has formally decided to keep on dating around and having fun with as many females as possible...or maybe he met someone...or maybe he realised that he's just not ready to be serious with you ). If he is still his charming, sweet self ( as he was before when he used to text a lot ), go out a few times and let him know ( without being too pushy ) that you're interested to keep on dating and taking it to the next level.

 

The key message : Just go with the flow. Take care of yourself first.

[ToF]

I think you have a healthy mindset about it. Personally, I would prefer not to sleep with someone who was also seeing other women, but if you're cool with that arrangement then power to you. Just make sure you're using protection every time.

 

It's good that he kept in regular contact with you while he was away. He sounds like a good guy, and he sounds interested. I don't think there's anything to worry about.