What precisely does it mean if a man says this when breaking it off?

[aphrodite12]

When my ex was breaking up with me, he said something which was very insensitive. I was in a state of tears and desperation, and he said "don't worry, I felt like that when my ex was leaving me." he kept repeating this.

 

How bad is that? To talk about your love for your ex of all people when you are breaking someone else's heart..What I want to get opinions of is, does this mean he loved her more than me?

 

He was being unnecessarily patronising when this was the SECOND time that a man had broken my heart and he knew this- he acted like it was my first breakup and he was saying "I've been there too, you'll get through it." what the hell?

[siegfri333]

Dumpers often don't realize that everything they say that is not "i'm sorry, i love you, let's get back together" only infuriates/saddens the dumpee even more.

 

They should shut up !

[DN]

I think it meant nothing other than him trying to offer comfort by assuring you that you will feel better eventually as he did when his ex left him.

 

Although dumpers can say nothing that helps the person dumped, they also get criticised for insensitivity when they do say nothing.

[lavenderdove]

He is trying to comfort you without realizing that you are interpreting things differently than he is... what he is actually saying is, 'though this hurts and you feel bad now, you will get over it and eventually be fine, just like i did with my ex.'

 

What you are hearing is 'i loved my ex-GF more that you.' Of course he didn't say that, but you are obviously very sensitive on the topic of his ex-GF or him having feelings for anyone else (even in the past), so you ran your own script in your head rather than hearing what he was saying.

 

So he was trying to comfort you based on his own experience, as is, 'don't worry, you'll get over this even if you feel bad now, just like i got over those feelings myself in the past too.'

[lavenderdove]

And i agree with other posters that no matter what he tells you when breaking up, you are going to be upset, angry, hurt, inconsolable etc. So no matter what he says, would it be right or good enough? The only thing that would be 'ok' in your mind is for him to NOT break up with you, but that isn't the reality so you get upset.

 

Just try to work on accepting the breakup and don't get hung up on wasting anger at his words because that won't change anything. Put your efforts to working on acceptance and healing and putting this behind you.

[marona]

Don't look too much into it.

 

When me and my ex broke up the last time, I was crying my eyes out, and I said I was going to fail math without him, and he answered in a joking manner "That argument could almost make me stay.." - I then cried even more and told him how insensitive that was, and he just replied he was sorry and din't mean to hurt me, he just didn't want the break-up to be all bad emotions..

 

Guys, and actually most people, just aren't very good at breaking up - hopefully it's not something we need to do a lot...

[itsallgrand]

I don't think it means he loved her more than you.

 

I think it means he didn't know what else to say and was trying his best. It may not have been that smooth, but like others have mentioned, it's one of those times (breaking up) where emotions run high and it can be hard to know what is the right thing to say.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. It's so fresh, of course it's hard to understand why he would say that. You are hurting and everything is like little knives twisting the wound.

 

Hope today will be a brighter day for you.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with everyone else; he was trying to comfort you/make you feel better. Unfortunately, when someone's delivering the bad news that they're breaking up with you, there's not much they can say that WON'T sound insensitive. Pretty much anything will seem either condescending or cruel even if they have good intentions. I've found myself feeling like I was being patronized in a couple of breakups only to realize later that this was just my perception because I was hurting and that really, the guy was trying to make a bad situation less awful. There just really aren't good ways to do that.

 

And, on the "dumpee" end of things, we tend to analyze and internalize everything the "dumper" says, making it about us and how we are somehow lacking or "not good enough." Often, it's just a case of two people being incompatible, wanting different things.

 

Try not to take it personally. Easier said than done, I know. I've been there.

[PaintWithLight]

When my ex was breaking up with me, he said something which was very insensitive. I was in a state of tears and desperation, and he said "don't worry, I felt like that when my ex was leaving me." he kept repeating this.

 

How bad is that? To talk about your love for your ex of all people when you are breaking someone else's heart..What I want to get opinions of is, does this mean he loved her more than me?

 

He was being unnecessarily patronising when this was the SECOND time that a man had broken my heart and he knew this- he acted like it was my first breakup and he was saying "I've been there too, you'll get through it." what the hell?

 

It means less than nothing. It is just the signs of an inexperienced man chuntering along when he needs to just stay silent. The combination of guilt and uncomfortable silence makes them start throwing out any idea they can lay their hands on. He was hoping to show he was still a good guy and was sympathetic because this was a shared experience. Ignore the foolish comments. Women tend to take everything men say as gospel and spend way too much time drawing comparisons and conclusions.

 

It is like some guy at a funeral who says "my mum is dead too". ... This guy had to endure an uncomfortable situation and instead folded like a cheap suit. Do not even think twice about his unfortunate comment.

[aphrodite12]

It means less than nothing. It is just the signs of an inexperienced man chuntering along when he needs to just stay silent. The combination of guilt and uncomfortable silence makes them start throwing out any idea they can lay their hands on. He was hoping to show he was still a good guy and was sympathetic because this was a shared experience. Ignore the foolish comments. Women tend to take everything men say as gospel and spend way too much time drawing comparisons and conclusions.

 

It is like some guy at a funeral who says "my mum is dead too". ... This guy had to endure an uncomfortable situation and instead folded like a cheap suit. Do not even think twice about his unfortunate comment.

 

Thanks for your reply. But I think that this is slightly different to someone saying at a funeral that they have also lost someone; because my ex was in a committed relationship to me and therefore should not have brought his ex up at all; he should have forgotten about her. It defeats the purpose of moving on. It's not the same as a friend saying to you "I miss my ex too."